"Kissing on the lips" plus daddy outright rejected

Our toddler sometimes kisses on the cheek, sometimes in the air, and sometimes on the lips. He hasn't got very good aim yet. He sees us kissing on the lips or cheek, we kiss him on the cheek/head/arm/tummy and at nursery they get them to blow kisses (or the key workers do give them a kiss on the cheek).

Several of my friends kiss their children on the lips though, and I am pretty sure that these are families where (like my own family) kisses when the parents were children, were only on the cheek. I think it is more common now.

Do you know what Incy did with the FCs?

Good question, I do not know but I will ask them :-)

Think it is a personal thing, but as Toko suggested, it is hard for a littlie to judge who it is appropriate to kiss on the lips and who is not.

Like Toko I never kissed my DD's on the lips, but didn't recoil in horror at the odd one from them, but didn't encourage it either. We have a holiday home in France and DD'S had to get used to all adults kissing them on the cheeks, as is the norm over there, so they are extremely comfortable with that, but if anyone was to kiss them on the lips, they wouldn't feel comfortable and maybe that's a safer message? As I said it's a personal thing.

Regarding DH being rejected, I know it's hard but I really wouldn't make a big deal of it, because if Incy picks up on that, he may start to use it as a power thing or for splitting you both, especially if he sees it is upsetting you. Far better to make a joke of it and say "oh, poor Daddy I better give him a big hug and a kiss from you " or something like that and once Incy sees this, he will probably join in and give his Dad a hug and a kiss.

Remember at the moment you are both strangers to him, he has only known you a few days and is still getting to know you.

Also if FC didn't have a partner, he may not be used to men and it might take a little longer, but he will get there in the end once he feels more comfortable.

We kiss both Of ours on the lips, have done since day one. Seems perfectly natural but it's a quick peck rather than a full snog.!!!!

As one of the few blokes on here I thought I should share the daddy being rejected bit as I had this too.

Oldest was always fine, she's always been a bit of a daddy's girl right from the start but my youngest was very much 'I want mummy'. It wasn't that she wouldn't engage with me but for anything she needed help with, from putting shoes on to bum checks to personal care, she always wanted mummy. It was very hard and quite upsetting. She wasn't vindictive at all, but she preferred have mummy.
We concluded that it was just her trying to get the relationship sorted with mummy as she was only 3 and had had a pretty awful start in life..

The turning point came when my wife went back to work.. Several times a week it means it's just me doing morning or bedtime routines. So, she had little choice but to accept help from me. Slowly and surely she came around.
Even now, over 2 years in, given the choice she will go to mummy but is quite happy to have me instead.
I think the trick is to keep offering. She rejected my offers but once in a while it's like she would forget and be ok about it.. Don't get upset, persevere and keep it light hearted.
Hope this helps.

Starlet kisses me on the lips too, often grabbing on to me just like you describe!! I asked her once why she did it and she just said it was to show me how much she loved me. I really don't think there's anything sinister to it, but I can't say I like it - sometimes I pull away and pretend to "faint" because I'm so happy... This gets her off me without having to reject her, and she loves the over the top melodramatic response!

Hi,

I think with kissing on the lips families vary so much.

For me it would be about thinking about the child's background and how this fits with this. And also, whether the child will be able to distinguish who its OK to kiss on lips/who it isn't OK to do this with and so how confusing things will be for the child. If there has been any hint of LO being exposed to inappropriate behaviour I would veer away from kissing on lips because the LO may then do it in places which are inappropriate/may find what is and isn't OK very confusing.

IF you feel that the kiss might be inappropriate then go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right listen ... you may just be picking up on something. And, it sounds like you did a great job diverting it into something more OK / that felt more comfortable in a way that was fun and not in any way rejecting.

My LO's foster family did kiss on lips. I was not comfortable with this so we don't do it. Thankfully, because LO was quite young, he didn't take long to adjust to the change. But we do have lots of kisses (e.g. on cheeks, on head, forehead) and cuddles.

Minnie x

I just turned the kiss into a raspberry blow once the kiss was getting "too much" to lighten it all and make a joke out of it and having the raspberry blow got Incy giggling :-)

It's a very personal/family thing whether it feels comfortable to lip kiss, so if it doesn't it's fine to stop it...and you have told him to cheek kiss tonight, so hopefully he will cheek kiss you in future!

I kiss my son on the lips but only rarely and pecks only, whereas I'll kiss him on the cheek for a long time (hope that makes sense, I mean I can do an exaggerated long parent-child smooch on the cheek, and blow raspberries etc!). I obviously wouldn't feel comfortable kissing him on the lips for anywhere near as long as I'll kiss him on the cheek

For my daughters with their background and issues, lip kissing definitely was/is not appropriate, I've always been careful about physical contact. Both of them at one time or another tried to give me a snog, but not in an innocent way at all, so I had rules in place about touching, and no lip kissing was one of them

Because I grew up giving my parents pecks on the lips, it does feel natural to me. The only reason I very rarely kiss my son on the lips is because I can't make it a house rule to have no lip kissing for the other children's sake and then give DS pecks on the lips myself. If it wasn't a house 'issue' I would kiss him on the lips more often. I feel sad about that to be honest, but actually that's my own issue, because he gets enough cheek and forehead kisses to sink a battleship and it doesn't make a difference to him whether I kiss him on the lips or not

I agree that you have to not only go with what you feel comfortable with personally, but also on your kids individual needs, and if it doesn't feel right, or what your child is doing doesn't feel entirely innocent, then stop them doing it

He had just done a poo so when I went in for him to kiss me on the cheek I made a game of it again with ooooooooh smelly pooh kissy! It is wonderful to hear the giggles of a small child :0)

Blimey I wish my three knew it was normal to close the toilet door! Still have to tell them, even the 12 year old.

I've had two conflicting trains of thought about this one so thought I'd share and confuse everyone else too!

First thought: Yes, I'd be more than a tad worried about kissing on the lips if it seemed to be any sort of control/game/sexualised behaviour. Hurricane went through a real stage of this not long after placement and I don't think I recognised it for what it was soon enough - only when it became much more overtly sexual. I did/do still 'allow' kisses on the lips but we had lots of little chats about them being with closed lips and being a quick peck rather than anything longer. We also chatted about how he didn't have to 'do' anything for Mummy to love him, I just did and that he was safe here. We chatted about private parts of our body that no-one else should touch (which was hard to sensibly include lips in hence why that has remained as an 'OK' thing as long as I don't feel it is sexual). Thinking about it, we only have a quick peck on the lips at bedtime now really; we tend to show affection through hugs, ruffling hair, kisses on the cheek etc.

Second thought: I wonder if it's some kind of 'claiming' behaviour on the part of Incy. An old fashioned view nowadays I know but Oedipal complex springs to mind. Little boys who love their mothers so fiercly (and for Incy could be beginnings of fear of losing you) that they become possessive and quite sexual almost in their behaviour around her. Can't for the life of me think how you're meant to deal with it though; sorry!

Spideress, I know exactly what you are describing in terms of the forcing your head, holding and trying to "snog", DS did it a great deal when he first came to me. I never made it an issue bit used distraction and appropriate kisses to move away from the behaviour. When he tried to go for a big snog, I'd make a loud, building, MWAH sound, and make that the good bit of the kiss. So he got into the loud noise and the "fake" nature of it, rather than trying to really kiss me on the lips.The other way to make lip kissing safe is to massively exaggerate the pucker up, so in fact, there's a mile of space between you. We also played a "speed air kissing" game, going quickly from side to side, to see who went the wrong way first. All of these made it possible to move him on from the "snog" without any hint of shaming.
The issue of rejecting Mr Spider is a common one too. He is eliminating the competition for your attention - although he does not do this consciously, and it's driven from his insecure attachment. The way forward is to do as many things as you can together, and keep it very lighthearted. This little man has already got a degree in disapproval, he needs positive affirmations to build esteem and a sense of himself as a loveable child. Take every chance to laugh and have fun, to be silly and joyful. If you're having a bad day, fake the smile! He needs to see approval, joy, love, pleasure in being with him. Keep thinking very young baby - if you were breastfeeding, and Incy wanted you instead of Mr Spider, you would never withdraw his feed. You'd snuggle close together, Mr Spider would make eye contact with you and Incy, he'd maybe rub your arm and Incy's feet / hands whilst you were feeding. That's the way to go. Think "together", "happy", and most of all "baby"! Enjoy this special time with Incy before you need to share him with the rest of the world too much, just as you do with a newborn. xxx