Letterbox Contact - The Pro's & Con's

Am surprised this topic has had so few responses as it seemed to be a hot topic on the old boards which is why I started this thread.

Will add my own thoughts and recent woes when I get a minute, but didn't want it to be just about my own experience, would rather have lots of posts of others experiences to give a more balanced view.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a bad experience with birth family (I don't have access to ASB so only know what you have written here). I would just like to say that we are not all as underhand as you've experienced. My daughters siblings contacted her in secret through facebook and we were aware of it from the start. The adopted siblings promised to tell their parents but when they hadn't after two months, I wrote to them through the official channels as I wanted all concerned to know that it was the adoptees who made contact and not birth family. It has not turned out to be "happy ever after" but not disastrous either. I think the children (all late teens) did not realise the consequences of what they were doing and have not coped with it very well but as their parents would not discuss direct contact they took the matter into their own hands. The fact that they have withdrawn from us to some extent has been very hurtful and we almost wish they hadn't made contact, but my daughter and her older non adopted siblings have some precious memories of two face to face get togethers.

So, there we have two sides of the story. It would be interesting to know how birth siblings found out your surname as a warning to others, JMK.

Only one of mine has any contact and that's indirect. Xmas and birthday cards from them and initially one letter from me to bm and one to maternal grandmother once a year. Were 9 years in now and the cards come every year. However I don't share them with him. He knows I wrote but he made the decision that I should stop. He was very clear that he didn't want me to tell bm anything about him. SS were unhappy about it but given that they'd insisted I had that conversation with him they just had to suck it up! Simple fact, my son lived with bm for three months with ongoing contact till he was 11 months. That was hugely damaging to him. It's taken us till recently to reach some equilibrium. He's happy in school, therapy has finished, he's amassing diagnoses and the medication works. He's thriving and doing really well. And there is no way that I will jeopardise that in order to appease the people who so badly screwed up over many, many years and, frankly, cost the state a fortune. Money which could have been better spent on supporting him post placement.

I worry that things have turned too far. We've gone from adoptions being too closed to possibly being too open in some cases. Fashions change. I wonder what the long term results will be of advocating contact?

Anyhow, I'm not doing it and frankly bms feelings aren't my concern. My son and his feelings and emotional well being are, and he comes first.

Hi all,

I cant give a proper contribution yet as we have not yet written our first LB, coming up in the summer, but have to say bf have made requests through entire process trying to gain more ongoing information during the coming years.

We have stuck to our guns and are refusing to send photo's and other measures (dont want to say to much). I still have concerns even with this, and despite all steps being taken to minimise risk to our LO, the likes of facebook etc.. still will cause a lot of worry in the future, particularly if mistakes were ever made and our surname was found out.

Having said that, and knowing our LO a bit better, I also feel that if we don't make the effort to maintain a link then we will definitely have repercussions later on.

I dont even know if we will get a reply. But finding the balance between maintaining a link for adulthood and protection in childhood is always going to be difficult, and as some of you have reminded us, her protection/needs have to be our priority.

xxx

I considered the implications of this a couple of years ago when first starting out/reading, etc and wasn't sure either way as I could see the pros and cons for the child. More recently, I thought 'no' to photos with letterbox, which became more set in stone after reading JMK's difficulties and thought it wouldn't go down well when telling SW but actually, was told fully understood, especially with FB; I was told that it was becoming more of a 'norm' for there no to be photos now with letterbox. SW even volunteered the implications for my future child if there was direct (or indirect with photos) with siblings who had been adopted but were older and therefore, potentially access info of BPs or meet with them, risking my child's security. So I don't feel I'm being put under pressure for photos: she suggested other alternatives which I could live with (drawings, etc and when child older, she could decide whether she wanted those to be sent).

I think I have an enlightened SW and LA: the huge difficulty is that I'm not likely to have a child placed from my LA - so I'll be stuck with the placing LA's views on contact. I have laid my cards on the table so if that doesn't fit in with the child's SW: they'll have to find prospective adopters who it does fit with.

As for child's surname, unfortunately I won't have the luxury of withholding this until 18 as my child will be old enough to know her surname - so, child looking on FB is a real possibility.

I do know from experience with 2 adopted children when in their teens that withholding information proved to be extremely negative for everyone involved. I'm sure there are many children though who simply do not want to know and when older, given information, are still disinterested. So difficult all round.

Our SW has told us policy is no photos in LB here now.

We've also refused to do twice yearly LB with BP - agreed to once a year. However will be doing twice yearly for birth siblings who are in LTFC. I shall see how it all goes and having taken jmk's advice to heart.

At pre-school Sk is registered with his birth surname but everything up has ours on that I have seen. This is what I asked for as we expect that to become legally the case while he is there so it saves confusion.

JMK asked me to stick this information in here, it might be helpful for some of you and your children

I can also stick it in a new thread if needed

It's not about letterbox in childhood but about contact after 18th birthday, especially about ways to prevent it if it is not wanted

Contact after the 18th birthday

The options available to your child depend upon whether they were adopted before the 30th December 2005, or after it



On or before 30th December 2005

My child does not want to be contacted by some/all of their birth family, or only wants to be contacted under certain circumstances
First of all, unfortunately there isn't any sure way to prevent contact via facebook etc, only to limit the likelihood of being contacted by being cautious and careful with what identifying information you put online, however there are ways to limit contact IF the birth family use an intermediary service to make contact (ie. the local authority, or another adoption support agency which will help families make contact).

There are 2 options available to an adopted adult who wants to limit contact, and these are to use a veto (there are two types of veto, absolute and qualified), and/or a "no contact" notice on the adoption contact register

Vetos
A veto is a written notice, give by the adoptee to the agency which placed them for adoption, that places a limit on whether and in what circumstances, any official intermediary agency can approach them on a birth family members behalf. It must be written, letter or email will do. A veto holds legal weight, and the adoptee must be 18 in order to place a veto. There are two kinds of veto, an absolute veto, and a qualified veto

Birth parent contacts intermediary service to ask them to make contact with their adopted child------> Intermediary agency approach the local authority/agency which placed the child for adoption ------> Local authority/agency inform the intermediary that a veto has been placed on file by the adoptee in question--------> veto is binding on the intermediary agency, who can only approach the adoptee if the veto allows an approach in these circumstances. Otherwise the birth family will be told that contact is not possible because there is a veto against it

Absolute Veto
The adoptee does not wish to be approached for contact, under any circumstances, by any birth relative. However be aware that whilst an absolute veto is legally binding on an intermediary agency, IF the placing agency find out new and significant information (not a contact request, but perhaps for instance something very medically important) about birth family, the placing agency are allowed to inform the adoptee of this

Qualified Veto
There are circumstances in which the adoptee is okay with being approached for contact, and circumstances in which they are not happy, the veto will specify what these circumstances are. For instance - the adoptee is happy to have contact with their siblings, or perhaps only their siblings that were also adopted, but does not want any contact with their birth parents. Or perhaps they only want to be approached by a birth relative if that relative has a terminal illness/if the adoptee has been made a beneficiary in a relative's will/if the birth relative has significant medical information they would like to pass on

Making a veto
As said, the adoptee needs to give written notification to the placing agency. The agency has to confirm the identity of the adoptee, and they also have to be sure that the adoptee understands the implications of what they are doing. The agency will arrange a meeting between the adoptee and someone at the agency, which for my DD1 (who registered a qualified veto with her PA quite a few years ago now) was basically a counselling session, at which she was given all the information about how to amend or withdraw the veto, and they talked about the implications of a veto, and she was asked to consider a couple of potential scenarios to make sure she was fully sure that she was making an informed decision. The person made sure she understood that a veto cannot and does not prevent contact via other means (for instance, Facebook although Facebook wasn't a big thing back in 2006!). A veto does not in any way legally affect the birth family, it only legally affects what the intermediary agency can do.


A "no contact" registration on the adoption contact register
Adoptees and birth family members can register their details with the contact register. Once your child turns 18 they can register their details as not wanting to be contacted (or as only wanting to be contacted in certain circumstances/by certain people). Intermediary agencies should always check the contact register for details as part of assisting whomever has asked them for help, and an agency shouldn't go any further if there is a no contact notice on the register. However the "no contact" notice doesn't have the legal weight of a veto

If your childs birth family signs up to the register, they will be told that there is a no contact notice for the adoptee, and the adoptees identifying details will not be passed on.


After 30th December 2005

My child does not want to be contacted by some/all of their birth family, or only wants to be contacted under certain circumstances
If your child was adopted after the cut off date, a veto is not an option - vetos can only be made by those who were adopted on or before 30th December '05.

However, your child can still register with the adoption contact register with a note that they do not wish to be contacted, or only wish to be contacted in certain circumstances. Again, if the childs birth family sign up to the register, they will be informed of the no contact wish, and your childs ID info will not be passed on, and any intermediary agency the birth family ask for help, will check the register and pick up the notice

Right to information
Once an adoptee turns 18, they have a right to have not only their birth certificate, but are also entitled to receive a copy of their Child Permanence Report from the placing authority. They can also be given any other information which the agency gave to their adoptive parents at the time of the adoption.


Hope that is helpful