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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2013 9:41:18 GMT
Though I'd start another discussion on the pro's and con's of Letterbox Contact. Has it worked for you? Has it been of benefit to your child/children? What advice would you give to others contemplating LB? Any warnings or advice to give to new adopters? Words of wisdom or whatever ...... All thoughts greatly appreciated. 
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Post by homebird on Oct 2, 2013 12:58:38 GMT
Letterbox contact has been essential for us. We adopted our niece who had never lived with her siblings and therefore needed some kind of connection with the others. She had direct contact with the oldest who also went to live with extended birth family, and letterbox contact with a sibling group adopted together. We were only allowed one letter a year. I requested several times to increase contact especially after researching how beneficial it was for siblings but was told that the adoptees became unsettled for a few days at contact time so they wanted to minimise this. My argument was to increase it to minimise any disturbance. Then I was told that the adoptees did not talk about their siblings at all apart from occasionally asking when they could see the others.
Finally the adoptees took matters into their own hands and contacted their siblings via Facebook. The parents accepted that the children actually did want contact - they had thought this might be the case but they had been following social services guidelines. The kids all met up for the first time in 10 years and it all went well. They seem to struggle with communication though and I sometimes wonder if it was left too late.
So to sum up. it has been beneficial in our family but a bit of a struggle due to lack of communication.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2014 6:29:03 GMT
Am surprised this topic has had so few responses as it seemed to be a hot topic on the old boards which is why I started this thread.
Will add my own thoughts and recent woes when I get a minute, but didn't want it to be just about my own experience, would rather have lots of posts of others experiences to give a more balanced view.
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Post by sivier on Jan 9, 2014 10:25:04 GMT
We're only three years in so my contribution may have limited value!
I think that what adopted children went through with their BF, and how good your Letterbox co-ordinator is on managing the process, are both big factors.
Has it worked for us? - Yes, so far. We write once yearly to BP and MGM (maternal grandmother) who is carer of one of the several siblings/half siblings. First year BP's didn't write, but last two years BM has written.
I send an informative letter, reasonably warm in tone but not over friendly, also not too detailed or too long, but giving a sense of where AD is developmentally and how her personality is emerging. Letters back from MGM are warm, and detailed. They were initially very emotional apparently so LB co-ordinator sent them back before sending on to us, and gave guidance to MGM on what would be acceptable. LB also reinforced an offer of help with writing a letter to BM who took this up in the second year - it's quite obvious that she had help. BM's letter is sad, and a bit selective on the memory front, but she says she was very grateful for my letter and that is it much better for AD to be with one loving and consistent family rather than being passed around different people for her care. I think this will be important to AD, along with MGM's mention that she's met us and what lovely people we are - again 'endorsing' us, as far as that is possible, which I hope will help AD. Letters are signed by our first names (us and them).
I would advise new adopters to look carefully at the frequency of LB contact. Our adoption plan initially said twice yearly to MGM, BPs, and three of the older half siblings. I suggested that this was too much and got it reduced to once yearly with BPs and MGM, and for MGM to share her letters with the half siblings as she's much more reliable than BPs. In fact three of AD's older half siblings wrote a letter to us/her in the first year, which again I hope will be helpful to AD later as they express their feelings for her and wish her a happy life with us. One of the reasons for reducing contact frequency is that when they don't write, it's once a year that they haven't bothered, rather than two, if you see what I mean (I'm not expecting BPs to be able to engage every time, as their lives are so chaotic).
For us the LB experience has so far been positive and well-managed. If my daughter had had a different kind of experience with her birth family (eg deliberate abuse or chronic neglect) I might feel differently or find it MUCH harder. Likewise if I was receiving overly emotional, angry or 'claiming' letters.
I would advise adopters to be clear, and persistent, about what they think is acceptable. For example, for now I won't send photos, but with the last LB contact I sent a little picture AD had drawn to both BPs and MGM. I also send photos of her to SS to be kept on file and for SS to tell birth family they are there so that BPs can go and look at them (unlikely to, but it show's I've heard the request). I may send a photo in the future but they are Facebook users, and I worry about the wider family - maybe an aunt or teenage sibling - who may decide to post it.
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Post by moo on Jan 9, 2014 11:02:21 GMT
Will offer up my ten penneth when I've a little more time.... Feel very torn in light of Jmk & others recent dilemmas.... Never get any replies.... Never really 'wanted to or felt I needed to ' .... B.f. Apparently see it as ther right!!!!.... I am firmly in the camp that it is ONLY for the boys & to provide them with current info about their b.f. Paa fine joke as they never reply..... I only do it in order for the boys to see that I did & was fair to b.f. When they have access to their files.....
Later....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by oysterbabe on Jan 9, 2014 12:35:37 GMT
Both sides of bf wanted direct contact. We agreed annual LB with bm/new partner and MGM (maternal gm) and to pass details to birth dad as she saw fit. MGM wanted to raise my boys but was turned down. They write a letter with a birthday card signed with first names only. I send back a newsletter type sheet covering boys likes, dislikes, school, clubs, growth and development. The letter from bm has come each year and says the same thing each time, it's all she can manage but its done the boys no good at all and from it we have learned that she's gone on to keep three further babies. One of my sons feels thats a piss take. It goes over the other ones head. No one from pa SS has bothered to break it to us first. The MGM is very religious and asks every year that they go to see her and MUST keep in touch.
I missed a year due to circumstances in 2011 and could not bring myself to do it. I got phone calls from pa SS telling me off for hurting their feelings. I assumed LB was for the children, that thought is quite clearly not in our county. I explained myself in 2012 saying why I hadn't written. I have asked questions over the years that are ignored, I have asked lb SS to help them write meaningful letters but no one listens. This year (gulp) is going to be our last letter at age 16. I have no desire to carry it on and I know that there will be outrage, but I've done 13 well 12 letters and its not made one iota of difference in fact it's been detrimental to one of my boys.
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Post by pluto on Jan 9, 2014 14:07:06 GMT
All I can say on the open boards is that I choose not to have any with one of my children the other I choose to open up the adoption a bit.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2014 14:42:05 GMT
Ok I have held off posting on this thread as I have been too busy to do so, but feel obliged to share my experience for what it's worth. You are free to make your own minds up and I am just posting this from my own personal experience as we are all free to make our own decisions.
As most of you are already aware, I am both an Adoptee and Adopter, and have always been in favour of openness and honesty in all things adoption related, but I’m afraid after recent events in my family, I am posting my experience as a warning to all adopters. I’ll try and keep it concise, but that’s hard to do.
I adopted my two DD’s nearly 12 years ago. I agreed to do LB with their BM because, unlike some of you, I had no animosity towards BM. There was no history of abuse or alcohol, or drug misuse or anything at all apart from BM’s mental health which of course I was sympathetic to as she could not help this. She loved both DD’s dearly, but was unable to care for them appropriately.
For the first 3 years I sent LB and photos twice a year as we agreed. I only ever got one short card back from BM in the first year and then heard nothing. After 3 years I decided to stop sending LB, but told the co-ordinator that if BM, or any family members ever got in touch I would happily resume LB contact.
Six years passed without hearing anything. Then one day I received a phone call from LB SW to say BM had come in and was asking if I could send some news which I did. BM was delighted and showed my letter and photo’s to her other, non adopted adult birth children, (my DD’s half siblings). The youngest two of these siblings went to see the LB SW and asked her if she could contact me to see if they could write to my DD’s. As they were adults and had children of their own I said “Yes of course”.
I wrote and told them I had two rules:- 1. That they were never to post any of my photos of DD’s on any social networking sites, and 2. That if they ever tried to contact either of my DD’s behind my back I would cease all contact immediately. I received a reply from them saying “No we would never do anything to jeopardise contact, we appreciate that you don’t have to do this and we are so grateful that you are allowing us to do it”.
LB worked really well for two years, we wrote when we wanted to and DD’s wrote their own letters as they were old enough to decide if they wanted to take part and they did. We found out quite a lot of information about BF which we had not previously known and it was great that DD’s were finally getting some answers to their questions, as BM never answered anything at all. We even sent presents and cards when the siblings babies were born and everyone benefitted from the friendly contact.
Long story short, as I don’t want to go into detail on the open boards for obvious reasons (it is all on the ASB in great detail), but birth siblings found out our surname and Googled YDD and contacted her on Instagram behind my back. They persuaded DD to go and meet them and I did not know about this for over two months until I found DD’s diary in the living room. I do not wish to post about what has happened since, but to say my family has been blown apart is an understatement.
I am posting this as a warning to all new adopters to really think contact through, otherwise your children’s secure lives can be blown apart in one little Tweet/Post/Comment from the internet. Facebook and the like are a HUGE security risk to our children!! And our BF aren't bad people, imagine if they were!
If I had my time again, knowing what I now know with Facebook and the like:-
I would not agree to any form of contact whatsoever, but if doing LB would REFUSE to send any photo’s
I would not tell my children their birth surnames, or surnames of any of their family members until they were 18 and could access their files if they wanted to.
I would not allow any contact until they were 18 and legally allowed to see their files ... and why?....
Because I would be protecting their childhood, and I would be keeping them safe, which is my job as a mother and I now feel I have failed through being too trusting of others.
I've learned my lesson and I just hope that others learn from my mistakes as I really wouldn't want any of you to be where I am now. And I am saying this as an Adoptee. It is way too risky.
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Post by homebird on Jan 23, 2014 15:53:49 GMT
I'm sorry to hear that you've had a bad experience with birth family (I don't have access to ASB so only know what you have written here). I would just like to say that we are not all as underhand as you've experienced. My daughters siblings contacted her in secret through facebook and we were aware of it from the start. The adopted siblings promised to tell their parents but when they hadn't after two months, I wrote to them through the official channels as I wanted all concerned to know that it was the adoptees who made contact and not birth family. It has not turned out to be "happy ever after" but not disastrous either. I think the children (all late teens) did not realise the consequences of what they were doing and have not coped with it very well but as their parents would not discuss direct contact they took the matter into their own hands. The fact that they have withdrawn from us to some extent has been very hurtful and we almost wish they hadn't made contact, but my daughter and her older non adopted siblings have some precious memories of two face to face get togethers.
So, there we have two sides of the story. It would be interesting to know how birth siblings found out your surname as a warning to others, JMK.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2014 16:24:59 GMT
It's all on the ASB Homebird but I don't want to post on the open boards too identifying I'm afraid. I've probably said too much already.
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Post by donatella on Jan 23, 2014 16:35:13 GMT
Only one of mine has any contact and that's indirect. Xmas and birthday cards from them and initially one letter from me to bm and one to maternal grandmother once a year. Were 9 years in now and the cards come every year. However I don't share them with him. He knows I wrote but he made the decision that I should stop. He was very clear that he didn't want me to tell bm anything about him. SS were unhappy about it but given that they'd insisted I had that conversation with him they just had to suck it up! Simple fact, my son lived with bm for three months with ongoing contact till he was 11 months. That was hugely damaging to him. It's taken us till recently to reach some equilibrium. He's happy in school, therapy has finished, he's amassing diagnoses and the medication works. He's thriving and doing really well. And there is no way that I will jeopardise that in order to appease the people who so badly screwed up over many, many years and, frankly, cost the state a fortune. Money which could have been better spent on supporting him post placement.
I worry that things have turned too far. We've gone from adoptions being too closed to possibly being too open in some cases. Fashions change. I wonder what the long term results will be of advocating contact?
Anyhow, I'm not doing it and frankly bms feelings aren't my concern. My son and his feelings and emotional well being are, and he comes first.
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Post by sooz on Jan 23, 2014 17:09:53 GMT
I've already decided no photos and won't share birth surname with ds purely because of the internet.
We do have direct contact with siblings and I do worry about that when older sibs get their info and will probably share what they know if back in contact with bf.
I've also been cautious about contact taking place in our home for that reason.
Not knowing all the details jmk I can only imagine how difficult a time it's been for you all. But I honestly think that you shouldn't beat yourself up for doing what you believed was in your dds best interests. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!
But also, had you not allowed any contact, the repercussions could have been just as bad as your dds may have been told bf asked for contact and you denied it, you would have been painted as the bad guy and your dds feeling justified in rebelling.
I think it's a no win situation in the majority of cases. None of us have a crystal ball.
Sending hugs xx
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bluebell
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Post by bluebell on Jan 23, 2014 19:07:16 GMT
Hi all,
I cant give a proper contribution yet as we have not yet written our first LB, coming up in the summer, but have to say bf have made requests through entire process trying to gain more ongoing information during the coming years.
We have stuck to our guns and are refusing to send photo's and other measures (dont want to say to much). I still have concerns even with this, and despite all steps being taken to minimise risk to our LO, the likes of facebook etc.. still will cause a lot of worry in the future, particularly if mistakes were ever made and our surname was found out.
Having said that, and knowing our LO a bit better, I also feel that if we don't make the effort to maintain a link then we will definitely have repercussions later on.
I dont even know if we will get a reply. But finding the balance between maintaining a link for adulthood and protection in childhood is always going to be difficult, and as some of you have reminded us, her protection/needs have to be our priority.
xxx
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Post by daffin on Jan 23, 2014 21:30:07 GMT
This is an issue that DH and I are really wrestling with.
A few months ago we signed Letter Box agreements for twice annual contact with birth sibs, once annual with birth mum and birth dad (to be shared with MGM). We have sent one letter to sibs, plus Christmas cards.
So far we have only had a letter from one set of Foster Carers (out of 4). Birth parents haven't signed the letter box agreement so we are unlikely to get anything from there but will write so that we can say we tried.
The issue that we have been hounded about has been direct contact with sibs. When they realised we really weren't going to shift on that (at least until Monkey Boy is more stable, confident and able to express his emotions verbally) they started pressurising us about photos. We didn't want to share photos with the eldest sib as she has direct contact with BF and she lives really quite locally! SS's couldn't understand our concerns and pushed and pushed. I came very close to loosing my rag about it!
Having read the posts above I feel justified to be cautious!
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Post by knight on Jan 26, 2014 11:48:16 GMT
I considered the implications of this a couple of years ago when first starting out/reading, etc and wasn't sure either way as I could see the pros and cons for the child. More recently, I thought 'no' to photos with letterbox, which became more set in stone after reading JMK's difficulties and thought it wouldn't go down well when telling SW but actually, was told fully understood, especially with FB; I was told that it was becoming more of a 'norm' for there no to be photos now with letterbox. SW even volunteered the implications for my future child if there was direct (or indirect with photos) with siblings who had been adopted but were older and therefore, potentially access info of BPs or meet with them, risking my child's security. So I don't feel I'm being put under pressure for photos: she suggested other alternatives which I could live with (drawings, etc and when child older, she could decide whether she wanted those to be sent). I think I have an enlightened SW and LA: the huge difficulty is that I'm not likely to have a child placed from my LA - so I'll be stuck with the placing LA's views on contact. I have laid my cards on the table so if that doesn't fit in with the child's SW: they'll have to find prospective adopters who it does fit with.
As for child's surname, unfortunately I won't have the luxury of withholding this until 18 as my child will be old enough to know her surname - so, child looking on FB is a real possibility.
I do know from experience with 2 adopted children when in their teens that withholding information proved to be extremely negative for everyone involved. I'm sure there are many children though who simply do not want to know and when older, given information, are still disinterested. So difficult all round.
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Post by flowerpower on Jan 26, 2014 18:52:21 GMT
No letter box contact for us just direct contact with 2 siblings gone ok up to now not so sure about when they older sibling are staying long term with FC that my girls were with pre placement with us. Xxxxxx
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Post by moo on Jan 27, 2014 19:14:31 GMT
As an Internet ' phobe ' I have always been very wary & scared of the www.....
I always refused point blank to photos..... Do letterbox 1x yearly with GP & BM & bf....
Thank you Jmk for your sharing of your sad misuse of trust.... I have been wrestling with telling my two their bf surname.... I have always thought no not safe now I am certain.... I now will not tell them until they are at least 18 if they really want to know anyway....
I find lb very very hard.... The bf selfishly suck up all the wonderful stories about my sons & expect it's their right paahaa... But I will try to keep on between clenched teeth..... They never reply or share any important news of the birth family.... The only point in me doing them in my opinion is for the boys to get updates on stuff happening to bf & bm... I like to keep the moral high ground.... Just one toe out of line just one snipe if they ever do reply & I am outta here!! 
Thanx again Jmk a very timely cautionary tale......
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by lilka on Jan 27, 2014 20:10:22 GMT
Letterbox worked well for DD2 (also photos, cards and on occasion DVD's etc) - not to say it was always easy or that we didn't have fallout BUT on balance it was definitely the right thing to do, and was worthwhile. Worth noting that DD was an older child on placement with a strong connection to her mum, so it was a maintaining of a relationship to a large extent. Some of the benefits she got - a springboard to talk about family and process feelings, feeling loved and not abandonned, not feeling so worried about how her mum was doing, being able to get answers to some of her questions, and to an extent less fantasising about her mum in a fairytale manner. It worked like that because her mum did reply, with help, and would be appropriate and answer questions, and also because her mum was able to support the adoption to a good extent. I think the best keys to good letterbox are support for birth parents, support for adoptive parents, and therapeutic support as needed for the child to process it all, birth parents being able to support the adoptive family relationships, and the adoptive parents being able to support a connection between their child and their childs BP's, everyone replying to letters and not ever dropping off the radar, everything being convered in a letterbox agreement with flexibility on certain issues if things change in the future...I'm sure I can think of other things, but those stand out to me. Basically a lot of support and acceptance on all sides. If support isn't there, if the birth parents never reply, or won't accept the adoptive parents as parents, or if the adoptive parents just feel really threatened by the very idea of a child having any kind of a connection to their BP's...then it's not very likely to work out well in the long term Sadly since February last year when DD2 was 16, she's been out of the letterbox phase and into the full on reunion stage - sometimes daily FB chat and meeting up several days a week etc. THIS has been extremely difficult and the minor benefits really do not outweigh all the horrible problems it's brought  It's really harmed the family and harmed DD too - and I feel most for DS, who has been made to feel extremely insecure by it. However it was not letterbox or photos which led to the reunion, it was a chance meeting in a shop. Thankfully very rare thing to happen, I imagine social media is by far the commonest way to begin a reunion. So maybe this doesn't belong in a conversation about letterbox. If I were adopting again, I'd be open in theory to any form of open adoption entirely dependent on the situation and the person. We've had some lovely (and some hard!) meetings with siblings over the years, DD2 benefitted from letterbox and I know some situations where it all really works out. Conversely I know some situations where it's gone horribly wrong. So I'd go in as neutrally as possible and judge when I've seen the background. Social media and the internet is one of the biggest issues by far, rather than ongoing letters which are completely anonymous
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Post by gilreth on Jan 29, 2014 21:03:03 GMT
Our SW has told us policy is no photos in LB here now.
We've also refused to do twice yearly LB with BP - agreed to once a year. However will be doing twice yearly for birth siblings who are in LTFC. I shall see how it all goes and having taken jmk's advice to heart.
At pre-school Sk is registered with his birth surname but everything up has ours on that I have seen. This is what I asked for as we expect that to become legally the case while he is there so it saves confusion.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2014 8:32:40 GMT
I agree with Tokoloshe, I think it makes a huge difference if BP's can acknowledge you as their child's parent. My DD's BM always refers to me as their "mum" when she signs cards or letters. She has told them (in letters) that we met and that she liked and trusted me, and I think that is so important, as Tokoloshe says, it shows your children that they were not "stolen", that BM approves and was in agreement to them being adopted and that helps your children in being allowed to move on.
If BP's aren't in agreement and aren't writing appropriately saying things like "until we are all together again" and stuff like that implying that you are only looking after them until they are old enough to go back home, then LB can do more harm than good IMO.
This is where LB SW's have a duty to make sure that the letters being written are appropriate and that the BP's acknowledge that we are mum and dad. The wording is so important and unfortunately some SW do not do this and expect adopters to receive letters with "love you forever, mummy" etc etc which is not only unacceptable, but is downright confusing for the children concerned.
I think that adopters need to remember, that in most circumstances LB is voluntary and that they have to set the ground rules right from the beginning. If SW's can't support that and support the BP's to write appropriately with the right wording then I'm not sure it really benefits anyone to be honest as it is more likely to cause conflict of emotions.
I think with the internet, LB and DC needs to be reassessed by SS and I think adopters need more of a say in how things should be, as up to now the pendulum swung more in favour of the BP's as SS used emotional pressure to blackmail new adopters into agreeing to more than they felt comfortable with because they felt guilty. Keeping our children safe should be the first and most important priority at least until they are old enough to decided for themselves.
Tokoloshes DD's are a different case, especially Oyster, as she was so much older and had such strong memories of her early days living with BM. Most of our children are adopted much younger and in a lot of cases they never really lived with BF, so have no real memories of them as such, which I think is so different from an older child who does have very strong memories. Am so glad for Toko's DD's that they have had contact and have positive memories at this sad time.
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Post by lilka on Mar 3, 2014 23:58:01 GMT
JMK asked me to stick this information in here, it might be helpful for some of you and your children  I can also stick it in a new thread if needed It's not about letterbox in childhood but about contact after 18th birthday, especially about ways to prevent it if it is not wanted Contact after the 18th birthday
The options available to your child depend upon whether they were adopted before the 30th December 2005, or after it
On or before 30th December 2005
My child does not want to be contacted by some/all of their birth family, or only wants to be contacted under certain circumstances
First of all, unfortunately there isn't any sure way to prevent contact via facebook etc, only to limit the likelihood of being contacted by being cautious and careful with what identifying information you put online, however there are ways to limit contact IF the birth family use an intermediary service to make contact (ie. the local authority, or another adoption support agency which will help families make contact). There are 2 options available to an adopted adult who wants to limit contact, and these are to use a veto (there are two types of veto, absolute and qualified), and/or a "no contact" notice on the adoption contact register Vetos
A veto is a written notice, give by the adoptee to the agency which placed them for adoption, that places a limit on whether and in what circumstances, any official intermediary agency can approach them on a birth family members behalf. It must be written, letter or email will do. A veto holds legal weight, and the adoptee must be 18 in order to place a veto. There are two kinds of veto, an absolute veto, and a qualified veto Birth parent contacts intermediary service to ask them to make contact with their adopted child------> Intermediary agency approach the local authority/agency which placed the child for adoption ------> Local authority/agency inform the intermediary that a veto has been placed on file by the adoptee in question--------> veto is binding on the intermediary agency, who can only approach the adoptee if the veto allows an approach in these circumstances. Otherwise the birth family will be told that contact is not possible because there is a veto against it Absolute Veto
The adoptee does not wish to be approached for contact, under any circumstances, by any birth relative. However be aware that whilst an absolute veto is legally binding on an intermediary agency, IF the placing agency find out new and significant information (not a contact request, but perhaps for instance something very medically important) about birth family, the placing agency are allowed to inform the adoptee of this Qualified Veto
There are circumstances in which the adoptee is okay with being approached for contact, and circumstances in which they are not happy, the veto will specify what these circumstances are. For instance - the adoptee is happy to have contact with their siblings, or perhaps only their siblings that were also adopted, but does not want any contact with their birth parents. Or perhaps they only want to be approached by a birth relative if that relative has a terminal illness/if the adoptee has been made a beneficiary in a relative's will/if the birth relative has significant medical information they would like to pass on Making a veto
As said, the adoptee needs to give written notification to the placing agency. The agency has to confirm the identity of the adoptee, and they also have to be sure that the adoptee understands the implications of what they are doing. The agency will arrange a meeting between the adoptee and someone at the agency, which for my DD1 (who registered a qualified veto with her PA quite a few years ago now) was basically a counselling session, at which she was given all the information about how to amend or withdraw the veto, and they talked about the implications of a veto, and she was asked to consider a couple of potential scenarios to make sure she was fully sure that she was making an informed decision. The person made sure she understood that a veto cannot and does not prevent contact via other means (for instance, Facebook although Facebook wasn't a big thing back in 2006!). A veto does not in any way legally affect the birth family, it only legally affects what the intermediary agency can do. A "no contact" registration on the adoption contact register
Adoptees and birth family members can register their details with the contact register. Once your child turns 18 they can register their details as not wanting to be contacted (or as only wanting to be contacted in certain circumstances/by certain people). Intermediary agencies should always check the contact register for details as part of assisting whomever has asked them for help, and an agency shouldn't go any further if there is a no contact notice on the register. However the "no contact" notice doesn't have the legal weight of a veto If your childs birth family signs up to the register, they will be told that there is a no contact notice for the adoptee, and the adoptees identifying details will not be passed on. After 30th December 2005My child does not want to be contacted by some/all of their birth family, or only wants to be contacted under certain circumstancesIf your child was adopted after the cut off date, a veto is not an option - vetos can only be made by those who were adopted on or before 30th December '05. However, your child can still register with the adoption contact register with a note that they do not wish to be contacted, or only wish to be contacted in certain circumstances. Again, if the childs birth family sign up to the register, they will be informed of the no contact wish, and your childs ID info will not be passed on, and any intermediary agency the birth family ask for help, will check the register and pick up the notice Right to information
Once an adoptee turns 18, they have a right to have not only their birth certificate, but are also entitled to receive a copy of their Child Permanence Report from the placing authority. They can also be given any other information which the agency gave to their adoptive parents at the time of the adoption. Hope that is helpful
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2014 13:42:41 GMT
Thanks Lilka. 
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Post by moo on Mar 5, 2014 10:21:00 GMT
Great info thanx so much for posting this.... Very interesting reading..... We are post 2005....
I didn't know about birth cert or permanence report.... Greatly received info Lilka many thanx....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by lilka on Mar 5, 2014 19:40:35 GMT
No problem  Every adoptee is entitled to apply for and receive their original long form birth certificate from the General Register Office, once they reach the age of 18 (16 in Scotland). This is very unlikely for most adoptees nowadays, but if an adoptee does not know enough information to get their own birth certificate (they don't know their birth name, or birth mothers name etc), then they must apply for the information necessary to get their BC. For pre-commencement adoptions (another term for adoptions before the 2005 cut off date), an adoptee would need to apply to the GRO for this information (the address to do so is online), for post-commencement adoptions, the adoptee needs to apply to the placing authority for this information, not the GRO For pre-commencement adoptions, it is more at the disretion of the adoption agency re. what information to share with the adoptee, and there are data protection (is that the right term?) issues with identifying information. Apart from the birth certificate, there is no legal right to receive any of the information. So now that people adopted after the cut off have the right to receive their CPR, that's (IMHO) a good development. The placing agency cannot alter the information in the CPR before handing it over. They cannot redact any identifying information in it (ie. removing the birth parents names) without an order from the high court permitting them to do so, which should only be granted in very exceptional circumstances. The official adoption contact register held by the GRO is the one I've mentionned, but there are other (unofficial) sites online which allow people to register as looking for birth family members/adoptees, and these may allow people of any age to sign up...I saw one site yesterday where birth parents had signed up looking for teenagers and vice versa.
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Post by moo on Mar 9, 2014 9:33:01 GMT
Wow.... Didn't realise there were unofficial sites too.... Eek that is gonna become a minefield to notify all the official & unofficial sites in 10 years time!!!
Bonkers that the hassle can start up all over again!!! Teenage angst aside I don't think mine will be mature enough even at 18!! To block the inappropriate unwanted interest! 
X. moo. xx
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 23, 2014 21:22:21 GMT
Though I'd start another discussion on the pro's and con's of Letterbox Contact. Has it worked for you? Has it been of benefit to your child/children? What advice would you give to others contemplating LB? Any warnings or advice to give to new adopters? Words of wisdom or whatever ...... All thoughts greatly appreciated.  Has it worked for us? Well b/f has never engaged with letterbox (LB). I stopped it last year (after 8 years) because I was told that he'd moved house and they hadn't been able to forward my letters for several years. Whe I stopped it I sent a letter stating that IF he collected the previous letters I would consider writing again in future. B/m writes once a year. She gets far more out of l/b than Stig. He just isn;t terribly interested. We also have face to face contact with B/m annually - that is far more meaningful for Stig. Of benefit? Not really. It might have been if benefit if b/f had responded to our questions or if we didn't see b/m annually anyway. WE tend to save our questions for the face to face contact Advice & warnings - With hindsight I would never have agreed to both l/b and face to face contact with the same person. I prefer face to face contact but if that isn't an option then. in my view, l/b is a good idea if it benefits the child. It leaves the door open for the future and sends a clear message to your child that the subject of Birth family is NOT tabboo. This means that they are less likely to seek contact via f/b without your knowledge.
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Post by moo on Mar 24, 2014 5:02:56 GMT
We are having a few problems with l/b at the mo.... Boys are asking some very specific Q's about life story work.... I wrote to bm & asked the Q's & SS refused to send it off!!! It was then agreed that SS ask bm to write first & answer one specific Q.... Guess what she wrote back didn't answer the Q & SS sent the letter on to me!!!! ( against my request ) Bm now expects me to write.... I specifically told SS if this Q was not answered I didn't want the letter & it had to be kept on file or returned.... I am so cross coz I can't share the letter with the boys coz they will get anxious & start asking all the old familiar Q's again.... 
I want to send the letter back to SS with a complaint.... Bm is waiting for her letter & is prolly oblivious!!! I just bet SS didn't tell her what I asked... Feel sad coz bm will be soo disappointed if it don't write.... Boys on the other hand have now said they don't want to hear from bm if she can't tell them the truth.... They also say they don't want to write to her.... 
What do I do???
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2014 7:33:52 GMT
Moo if your boys are involved in LB, are aware of it and they are now saying "they don't want to hear from BM if she can't tell them the truth" then I would go with their wishes, as long as it is their wishes, and not yours projected onto them IYSWIM. They are old enough now to give their own opinion.
Perhaps they could write a short letter of their own to the LB co-ordinator saying their wishes, at least Baa might be able to? It's a tough one, but as LB is supposed to be "in the interest of the child" I don't see how that can be if it is causing them distress when BM is deliberately avoiding their questions.
This is why I advise adopters to "not" involve their children in LB as it can cause more problems for the children in the long run. IMO LB should only be between the adults to keep the line of communication open for the future and so the adopter knows a bit about what is going on in the BF and vice versa. Involving the kids in it can sometimes rub salt in the wounds when they don't get the answers they want/need. Just my personal opinion, others may not agree.
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Post by moo on Mar 24, 2014 16:38:27 GMT
Thanx Jmk....
Really tricky I know....
They really are asking a lot of Q's sadly mostly I don't know the answers & it is very hard having to say ' I don't know ' they seem to think I'm supermummeee & are bound to know the answers.... When I don't & can't say they get very grumpy & this is when they say they don't want me to do it anymore....
They are true little boys in as much as they want it & want it now!!!!..... I really do think they have lost interest & no longer want me to do or hear about it coz nothing ever comes back & if it does it doesn't answer their burning Q..... I have to say I really do understand their frustration.... Perhaps I should scale it down & just not bother to read my letter or the one reply when it comes......... Keep it up so in future they can see that I did but as for anymore or conversations about it I prolly should stop......
So Jmk I guess you are right I think it might be part me that is pretty mad that bf don't answer their specific Q.... Boys don't contribute I do & read my letter to the boys & the ones ( ha rarely )that come back..... So maybe I should just stop telling them about them & do them anyway saving them for future......
Ss only really want to keep bf happy!!
Thanx
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by homebird on Mar 25, 2014 8:33:19 GMT
Its so frustrating to constantly read that letterbox is about keeping birth family happy. I must live in a different world to everyone else because ours has never been about keeping us happy. It has always been about what the other adopters are prepared to give. I bend over backwards to understand and accept their decisions. I know that our annual letters cause a few days of difficult behaviour and sadness eg a few years ago one of my daughters siblings was singing about being alone and sad. But they never consider how my daughter feels or her older siblings who were not adopted. How the oldest girl cried on the phone to me for half an hour when I had to tell her they weren't writing at the agreed time because they were too busy. How the oldest boy acts like he doesn't care but is obviously desperate for news. How my daughter curls up in the foetal position and sucks her thumb while I read the latest newsletter to her. Our original plan for contact between the siblings was two letters a year and a video but ended up with just one letter a year before the adoptees made FB contact. We now have direct contact when suggested by the other adoptive parents but the kids are now strangers and its hard going.
I'm sorry for the rant which is not aimed at anyone on these boards but at life in general.
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