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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2014 9:44:46 GMT
I get what you're saying Homebird, but I think your situation is different. You are not BM, but Auntie, if I remember correctly? And your LB is with your DD's siblings and there in lies the difference I think.
I am hugely sympathetic to you and your situation and really feel the adopters of your DD's siblings are being very unfair to you. You are not BM, as I said, so you are no threat to them or their kids and I do think it is VERY
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Post by sooz on Mar 25, 2014 9:51:10 GMT
I think that's the problem. There isn't a 'one size fits all' solution. If there is contact or if there isn't contact, someone ends up getting hurt. It's all just so unfair.
I guess, at the moment, I'm pretty lucky in that we've never had a letter from bf, I've never told ds to expect one. He asked me to write to them last year, and I did. I don't expect a reply.
Ds was removed at birth and we have direct contact with some sibs which works well.
Hugs xx
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2014 9:59:30 GMT
OOps -
I do think it is VERY different if LB is with/between siblings adopted elsewhere, that is an entirely different kind of contact to LB with the BP'S who lets face it in a lot of peoples cases, were abusive/neglectful of their children and that's what people like Moo are referring to. Having to write to people who were the reason their kids ended up in care. Asking questions that their children want answers to and the BP's ignoring these questions or refusing to answer them. That's the difference IMO.
In your case you have adopted your niece? and the adoptive parents of your siblings should realise you are no threat to them. It's not as if you are going to tell BM where the live or any identifying information about them. That's why I think your DD's siblings parents are wrong in what they are doing.
My DD's have a younger brother adopted elsewhere. His adoptive mum sent us one nice letter with photo's before the AO went through. We were thrilled to bits to hear from her and wrote back a lovely long friendly letter, included loads of photo's of DD's saying it would be lovely if they could stay in touch. I gave her my email, phone no. address the lot, and guess what, once the AO went through, we never heard from her again and neither have the LB co-ordinators. She was probably only doing it to appease the SW and as soon as he was legally hers, that was it vamoosh. He's 10 now and we have no idea how he's doing. I worry for him, as I wonder if he even knows he has two sisters very close in age. His mother might not have told him, who knows? I feel very sorry for him.
I can understand some people not wanting to stay in touch with BF for what ever reason, but to not allow LB between adopted siblings is just cruel in my opinion, that's why I am sympathetic to you Homebird. I have written a letter to DD's brother to leave in his file so that if he accesses it when he is 18, he can contact us if he wants to. At least that way he has the choice of getting to know his sisters if he so wishes. I don't think any adoptive parent has the right to "own" their child and prevent them from getting to know their siblings whatever about the birth parents. Depending on the story, that can be a very different thing.
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Post by homebird on Mar 25, 2014 11:40:46 GMT
jmk - yes, I am aunt who adopted the youngest of the sibling group. I know you are right that my circumstances are different but I so wish that the other adoptive parents were as keen to maintain contact as people on here are. They told me that they were following LA guidelines despite knowing that their children had history with siblings.
It is very sad for your daughters that they cannot grow up with any news of their brother and I hope that they will reunite when they are adults. A question from the oldest adoptee was "Do the family remember me" and she was keen for any memories we had of her. She has now cut off contact with my daughter and her non adopted brother but occasionally phones her oldest non adopted sister.
I suppose in a way I am not interested in birth mum. She had the opportunity to do letterbox contact and she didn't. She had the opportunity to have face to face contact with our daughter, but she didn't bother.
With that in mind I do agree with other people about not wanting to try to keep up contact if they get no response but I still disagree that SS try to please birth family.
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Post by moo on Mar 25, 2014 12:26:23 GMT
Thanx Jmk Madrid et all....
I think Madrid this is what I will do....
I have a sneaky feeling SS won't send it tho..... I deffo plan to say ' my last letter SS refused to send!! '
Boys are sad & worried they want to try to understand.... Why kick me for the truth???
Our letterbox is voluntary.... Can't see any judge enforcing it after 5 years!!!
Thanx all I will keep you posted.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by pingu on Apr 14, 2014 23:17:02 GMT
Really hard one moo, can see no option but for you to re iterate your request and wait, but hard meanwhile. You have to be able to tell your kids that you did everything possible to get answer to Q 's
we did letterbox for ds1 who did always look for the letter to come when expected, but he never wanted to write back. Happy for us to give bm a progress report however and I think it meant more to her than him. I think ds1 would have been angry if we hadn't done it as he had been told he could have this level of contact.
Ds2 has no letterbox or f2f (face to face) except with a sibling, and at the moment that is the way he wants it, but young yet.
with older kids like ours I strongly believe it has to be child led, but I am really not sure what is best for younger kids, no experience there.
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