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Post by serrakunda on May 20, 2014 10:17:06 GMT
Ive been sitting in work for an hour trying to do a very simple admin task. It should have taken about 30 minutes, I can't focus. Im so tired, can't remember the last time I felt really well. I m very snippy and impatient with Simba bless him. He is trying so hard and doing so well in everything he does but I feel I am expecting too much from him. He isnt ready to 10 yet. Some of his behaviours are becoming very hard to handle now he is so much bigger. When we are out he still wants to hold my hand but he cannot just walk next to me without pulling my arm, clothes, bag, pushing me because he wants to walk in a 'lane'. And he is strong. When he hugs me he pushs back with all his weight, my neck is really sore today. Peppa pig obsession might sound lighthearted, but its not, when he is in these obsessions its all consuming
Bit worried at work as I'll be moving to a new assignment in work in the next month, I wont have the flexibity I do now, dont think the new line manager will be quite as sympathetic
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Post by moo on May 20, 2014 10:25:35 GMT
Aww hugs serrakunda {{{}}} xxx hope your new boss turns out to be a pussycat.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by sockthing on May 20, 2014 10:31:05 GMT
Sorry to hear this Serrakunda, it does sound exhausting. Sometimes I think K sounds like a less extreme version of Simba ...not meaning Simaba is extreme but hopefully you know what I meant.
I can completely imagine the peppa pig thing is not funny at all. and I find the personal space thing really tough when I'm tired. Must be so hard to be so tired when you have to work.
Have you had any support/advice about parenting an autistic child? I know Donatella said the early birds courses really helped.
Hugs
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Post by serrakunda on May 20, 2014 11:04:52 GMT
I did the fairly useless Triple P course. Most of the time we do rub along quite well, I have strategies to cope with a lot of his behaviour, we are very structured, most of the time it works OK. Its not as if things are a battleground between us. There are just a few behaviours which we need to get a grip of now he is getting bigger and it will take time.
I think the real problem is working! Seriously though. I had a year adoption leave and even when things were a lot tougher than they are now, I coped much better. But I have struggled since going back to work. Its OK when there isnt stuff to sort out. But in last few months we've had school transport issue - still not resolved, dispute over statement, had to go back to PAS for missing info, write reports for referrals for reassements, meetings re placement in mainstream school, several appointments now to looks at mainstream secondary. Its difficult to make all the phone calls, do the research, do the meetings and all the rest of it when youre meant to be slaving over a hot computer. I find it difficult to do stuff in the evenings on a work day because Simba wants my attention and there is tea to cook etc. After he's gone to sleep Im usually too knackered to think straight. I would give up work for a few years if I could but is just not possible.
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Post by larsti on May 20, 2014 11:19:36 GMT
big hugs to you Serrakunda
Dash (no diagnosis of anything as yet) sounds a bit like Simba on some respects, so I sympathise. Dash is 9 1/2, small but strong.
As you probably know I don't have to work but I do have Dash at home most of the time, or taking him to activities.
Locally we have a special needs card which allows us to access special needs sessions (horse handling has been the best as he loves it and we can leave him for 3 hours on a Saturday morning) Also we could have a special needs childminder to come to the house and play with him for 4 hours. Haven't tried that, not sure about it but may try it.
Both cost though.
In haste,
Larsti
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Post by pluto on May 20, 2014 11:29:14 GMT
As you know my oldest has autism and I live with the obsessions and other associated behaviours. To me it sounds like that you are running low because he is so draining and constantly goes over your bounderies. I advise you to make very clear rules with him, like not pulling the arm, and if he does a natural concequence follows in this case no longer hand holding. You might even have to write those down, maybe with pecs. It might sound hash but with hugging the same, if he can not do it gentle than no hugging. You can practise with him how you expect him to hug. This will absolutely not harm the attachment, he need those rules otherwhise he might harm you unintentionally.
My oldest is now bigger and a lot stronger than I am, this does not matter as it is not a question of physical strength, he never hurts me because he has leaned that touching me rough is not allowed. I am also very aware where MY bounderies lay, as if I burn down there is nobody else to care for them.
The obsession drove me too mad the first years, now I just smile and if it start to affect me I tell him to go to his own room for a while if he does not stop (because it is too much for me, I tell him that), here curious george and others. The obsessions are so part of the autism, here it has not get less over the years, the obsessions just changed and I learned to deal with them differently.
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Post by serrakunda on May 20, 2014 12:14:13 GMT
Pluto, if you could have seen us walking home from cubs last night. My back was aching because I's mown the lawn and I just wasnt in the mood for the pushing and shoving. As usual I told him that unless he could walk nicely I wouldnt hold his hand. As usual he apologised, held my my hand, walked nicely for about 10 steps, then we were off again, if I dont hold his hand he starts pleading with me, or crying and we never get anywhere, of course mummy always loses her patience just when we get to the newsagents so we have an audience. If its possible I let him take the scooter when we are walking somewhere or go across the common, rather than the footpath, so he can terrorise the birds.
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Post by pluto on May 20, 2014 12:34:54 GMT
Follow the concequence through longer.
If my child says 'sorry' I say 'thank you' but still still refuse to hold hands (or whatever was the issue). I say tomorrow you can try again. A concequence only works if the child really 'feels' it, if they know or learn it is just a few minutes if I whine and say sorry, no lesson learned. For me 'sorry' means nothing, you have to prove to me with good choices that you mean what you say.
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Post by sivier on May 20, 2014 12:52:20 GMT
This might be totally unrealistic so ignore if so...but is there any chance that you could put your case to PAS (ie how time consuming supporting Simba is in terms of appointments, letters, how much he needs your attention in the waking hours at home, etc) and see if your adoption allowance can be increased, so that you can reduce your work hours even by just half a day a week?
It might be that the job wouldn't work doing this, I don't know.
And could your current line manager possibly have a word with the new on your behalf?
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Post by donatella on May 20, 2014 13:12:43 GMT
It's so hard. I'm lucky because I don't work and I've learned over the years that time at home isn't a luxury, it's a necessity for me to recharge and stay sane. You don't have that me-time, no time to recharge your batteries and it's exhausting.
Is there any chance of an increased allowance/shorter working week?
The NAS have a helpline - I've spoken to them before and they're very supportive and knowledgeable.
I don't imagine the disabled children's team would be able to offer any help or support? Ours couldn't offer anything because both of mine have iqs above their threshold.
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Post by serrakunda on May 20, 2014 13:28:23 GMT
I'm already at the top of the adoption allowance scale for Simba's placing LA. Cant really afford to drop any more hours, but Im going to try and reconfigure my working days to do them over three days not four, there is a sticking point in that they would have to let me work at home for the last 90 minutes each day so might not go for it, I try not to use the my son has special needs card but I do have a little trick up my sleeve which might swing it. Work is generally very family friendly but its impossible for them to meet every single persons's requirements. Its getting to the point where so many people do compressed hours or 9 day fornights we might as well close on Fridays. At the moment I work alone so as long as I meet my deadlines the line manager doesnt care where or when I do it. I'll be moving into a team so you just cant have the same flexibility I'll figure it out. Simba is mostly such a lovely and very rewarding boy, just a couple of behaviours I need to get a better grip off. Just very very tired at the moment. But we have lots to look forward to, An old friend is visiting later this week, she is a special needs prof so can have a bit of an offload, we are going to plan our summer trip to her holiday home in Nice
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Post by Ad-minnie! on May 20, 2014 21:53:18 GMT
Serrakunda,
I just so get the work thing. I too was ok until going back to work. And to start with work was ok. Now I am exhausted. And, my LO does not have some if the draining behaviours you talk about. So it must be very tough on you.
When I open my adopters retreat and spa ... I will let you know!!!!!
Hope your friends visit gives you a lift.
Minnie x
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Post by serrakunda on May 21, 2014 10:45:50 GMT
Hmm
new line manager not quite so accommodating. I think I can manage to work things out so I do the hours over three days, but am reliant on working at home to cover teacher training days and snow days. She isnt keen on home working
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Post by moo on May 21, 2014 11:04:50 GMT
Hang in serrakunda.... Maybe your trick will pull her in from sitting on/behind the fence... Surely she gets that a happy workforce is a productive workforce?? Slowly slowly catcheee monkey....
Good Luck.....
Enjoy your visit & planning your trip more
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by serrakunda on May 21, 2014 11:48:56 GMT
well if I have to I will pull the 'Ive got a disabled child' card out of the bag.
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Post by moo on May 21, 2014 11:59:32 GMT
Understand your reluctance xx
BUT you do have to keep you strong energetic & healthy.... So sadly needs must....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by donatella on May 21, 2014 13:21:06 GMT
You have to do whatever makes life easier for you and Simba. Of course that may mean upsetting some people ... Hey ho! I seem to have made a career out of it! You have a child with additional needs and he needs a mum who can be flexible enough to meet those needs. And to do that you need to be supported and sometimes allowances have to be made. Working and parenting are never an easy combination but it's more complicated for you - surely it's better having a happy, fulfilled and relaxed employee than a knackered, stressed and miserable one?
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Post by serrakunda on May 21, 2014 15:17:36 GMT
One would have thought, however I live in the land of mr Gove, we don't even have 'jobs' anymore. We have 'roles' which means they can move us where they want when they want, we effectively have no say about where we work.
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Post by larsti on May 21, 2014 15:31:03 GMT
Could you take things higher up (before new manager arrives) and plead special circumstances with someone with more clout but less contact with you on a day to day basis? So you don't come over as a nuisance to new manager as soon as they arrive. Nice...nice!!! Simba seems to have lots of fun and great experiences with you
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Post by serrakunda on May 21, 2014 15:45:35 GMT
,I can put in an application under statutory regulations to apply for flexible working on the grounds of having a disabled child. My problem is basically going to be teacher days and snow days. I have two solutions, I work at home on those days, or if the teacher day is say a Monday, I would work in the office on one of the days I don't normally work, ie, Thursday or Friday. I'd hope to do sort it informally but she had a face like a slapped fish when I mentioned home working. The statutory regs route is a formal process so I'd rather avoid it. It's probably amounts to three or four days a year so you'd think it wouldn't be a problem
Yes I think Simba does have lots of fun, we are off den building with his fellow elfins tonight, that the woodcraft folk club
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Post by esty (archive) on May 23, 2014 20:14:17 GMT
Serrakunda - why don't you adopt again and say only with an allowance! That's what I did. I got to where Big Fish was settled and thought work v adopt, work v adopt and came out strongly on the adopt side. Obviously who I was going to get was going to be hard to place but then Big Fish isn't ever 'normal' parenting! Both are on the hard side but I still have a good life (this year so far excepted and not really all to do with them) and wouldn't change it/them for anything. Obviously a pension wont happen and I'm likely to be very poor once both boys hit 18 or poss 25 in BF's case but you only have one life so make your choices of what you want to do!
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Post by serrakunda on May 23, 2014 21:20:16 GMT
Esty, I take my hat off to you, but I really couldn't do two. Lots of reasons, but especially I don't think Simba would be up for it, and I'm too old, I'll be 60 when Simba is 20, which is ok, but to be 60 with a teenager, not for me.
I think part of the problem is also that I really hate my job, I have no interest in it, I've worked in education for years and never been so fundamentally opposed to the policies of a Secretary of State, but at the moment I can't get the salary and terms and conditions for the hours i work. If I can hang on for another three or four years I'll be very close to the end of my mortgage and I can go back to do something more worthwhile.
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Post by donatella on May 23, 2014 21:26:08 GMT
Bugger! At 60 I'll have an 18 year old, a 15 year old and a 13 year old! Might just shoot myself now! !
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Post by serrakunda on May 23, 2014 21:33:52 GMT
But also a hubby !
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Post by donatella on May 23, 2014 22:07:11 GMT
And thats a positive right? !
Thing is our kids seem to be not quite fitting in anywhere in education. Middly has been in ebd education for 4 years because of his behaviour. Now that he's diagnosed it's recognised that his behaviour is because he's asd rather than naughty. So ebd isn't the right fit but he's not complex needs either. Aspies and hfa are not one thing or the other. But there's not much in between. Which is where middly is.
But two with asd per two parents is more than enough to cope with so one on one sounds about right!
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Post by pluto on May 23, 2014 22:21:48 GMT
3 children plus a husband makes 4 children in my books. That is the impression I get if I look around me .
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Post by serrakunda on May 23, 2014 22:49:21 GMT
Maybe a wife would be more use ?
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Post by kstar on May 24, 2014 7:24:42 GMT
Well that's legal now :-) unless UKIP manage to convince more people to vote for them next time, then you might be in trouble...
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Post by moo on May 24, 2014 8:27:24 GMT
Sadly I'm with donnatella .... At 60 I'll have a 12 & 13 yr old plus a bunch of gorgeous cows, bull & a hole in the head!!!!
Suddenly I feel like Mrs Noah!?!?
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by milly on May 24, 2014 8:45:17 GMT
Mine will be 14 and nearly 19 on my 60th. 19 year old probably still 14 on the inside. I keep to the mantra that having young children keeps you young ..... Don't anyone dare contradict me!
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