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Post by ladybug on Mar 2, 2014 11:47:54 GMT
Being recently approved DH and I are just waiting for a match.
Since we were approved on 17th February we have had two potential matches! one sibling group of three, which we had to say no to due to lack of space (how heartbreaking was that?). I so wasn't prepared for how that would make me feel!!
Anyway the second potential is a baby girl who we are interested in, we have seen her CPR and a photo, she's a beaut. We are waiting for an email or cal to arrange a home visit from her SW and her family finding SW.
My question is how do you know just from the CPR and a photo if this is the child for you?? Do you just see the photo and think that is the child/children for me/us?
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Post by kstar on Mar 2, 2014 12:43:15 GMT
I think all you can do based on a first look at a CPR is decide whether you think you might be able to parent this child.
With a baby, you would obv need to be thinking about the level of uncertainty about the child's needs as part of the package. If there is nothing in the CPR to put you off, and your gut instinct is still happy enough, then you move to considering other information - what the SW has to say, then the FCs, the evidence from medical exams, psych evaluation of the parents etc.
Given the problems some members on here have had recently it's also worth thinking about what contact arrangements are in place and if you can live with them.
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 2, 2014 13:04:11 GMT
It was both head and heart for us. We looked at three profiles for children after we were approved one of which was squirrels. One of the profiles was an immediate no, the other we would probably have gone further with if we hadn't seen squirrels, but she was our one. Squirrels picture was a heart melter and clicked with something of the look of a child we imagined having... But we did go through the CPR with a fine tooth comb, talk to FC, dr and sws about her and talked to each other about Her bf genetic possibilities Her age (16 months) meant that there an awful lot of unknowns and how we felt about this How we felt about her history and how we felt we could help support her understanding it How we felt about proposed contact How we felt about any risks from bp proximity violence etc and how we would keep her safe What about us made us feel we were right for this lo Also bm is super fertile and was v likely to keep on having babies that would be taken into care and with the plan to adopt and how we would feel about adopting future sibs/ not adopting future sibs and maintaining contact and answering qu on why we had adopted one but not the other etc
It's not like this for everyone but something clicked with squirrel, we knew howler was on the way and we'd always wanted sibs, and the more we found out the more certain we were... I was smitten from day one and just fell more and more in love with her . I did a lot of research into what we knew about her birth history, asked qu on old boards about how different things had affected other peoples aks, researched with child psychotherapist affect of a child being removed at 16 months to try to understand how a child of this age might process the move and how best to help her start forming attachments, also used therapy to say goodbye to any idea of a Bc so that I was ready to love my ad just the way she was,.
I went into her adoption with my eyes fairly open to what the problems might be and I think found it easier to love her because of this.
I think it's probably different for everyone, everyone approaches huge decisions in different ways and no one way is right or wrong.
Good luck with the matching process, such exciting times for you!!
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Post by moo on Mar 2, 2014 14:36:25 GMT
Wow you are so lucky getting to see so many cpr's sooo soon after approval...
Love choti's reply...
i think this is where your list of what you feel you can parent & what you can't comes into play completely.....
i guess it lies in the report & your 'feel' & understanding of the child... You will Deffo get an incite quite surprisingly quickly....
I remember when I first read baa & skweeks cpr's.... There really was just ' something' & I was drawn to them......when I eventually saw their photos I just fell in love..... Their likeness to me was just amazing & was quite naturally a factor when I met their s/w.... Everyone has always commented on it... ( In a good way ) Their wonderful s/w said she felt the match truly perfect when she first read my form F..... When she came to my home she said she had a 'tingle ' as she drove down the drive... As soon as she got inside she said she could imagine the boys here with me.... She said she had never been so sure of anything in her entire career.... ( not that I knew that when she visited I was bricking it I wanted to be the boys mummeee more than anything else ever ......) BUT I was like a pit bull & researched researched researched coz they were little lots of tests could not be done so I had to ask many Q's to build up the picture of probability... Based on bf story & history... I had to be certain of what I was able to parent & give the best of futures to... Often it was what was not said that gave me the most clues!! Meeting with the Dr's & asking Q's of the s/w when she visited me.... looking back it was the most life changing visit of my entire life.... The very best of days.... One that will live with me forever
Good Luck.... Go in with your eyes wide open.....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by justbserene11 on Mar 4, 2014 21:30:43 GMT
I second what choti says our LO was 12 months when placed with us, so lots of unknowns.
We firstly saw a picture/profile of our LO passed to our SW, which could be described as odd (when you compare the images seen in CWW/BMP). She wore soiled clothing, it was taken in SS office and she was scowling! We saw something in her eyes and proceeded to ask for the CPR. This intrigued us further and we found that she sounded like a child we could parent and what we had asked for (as a side note all subsequent photos given to us by the FC were the polar opposite and showed a different child). Definiatley, do your research and also read between the lines of a CPR.....remember they only document 'proven' facts and not all relevant information in the CPR (from recent posts).
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Post by damson on Mar 6, 2014 7:17:19 GMT
What a lot of photos... We were not given photos till we had read the equivalent of the CPR for our two children. I'm with kstar on this - work your way very carefully through what is known about birth family and child. We were offered two sets of children before ours appeared. Ours had well written material, and lots of people to talk to. We had a 'life appreciation day' where we met most of the relevant professionals who'd known the family and our children. And in the end, we still underestimated the repercussions of multiple moves and bps inability to care rather than witting neglect. By then, our hearts had over-ruled our heads! Best wishes for your journey into the undiscovered country beyond the CPR. This could be your lo.
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Post by ladybug on Mar 8, 2014 20:47:52 GMT
We've still haven't heard from the baby's social worker but have had a call from ours to arrange a home visit to explain what happens next and hopefully more potential matches.
We do know now that one other adopter is also interested in the baby :-(
Just a waiting game I guess.
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Post by gilreth on Mar 9, 2014 20:50:29 GMT
We just went with a gut reaction to Sqk I must admit.
I asked not to see photos initially as I wanted to give my head chance to process the information but he just felt right reading profile.
We didn't get chance to talk to FC or medical advisor before having to sign off paperwork for panel as ours was a very much rushed match once the link was officially made (1 month & 3 days....)
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Post by flutterby on Mar 9, 2014 21:14:07 GMT
Apart from all the other things people have already said, to us it was really important that our LO would be a close physical match. You would never guess that ours is not our birth child. We do have birth children and we felt it was really important that Butterfly would not feel stand out between her siblings. I think it has helped bonding with her too. I find it astonishing how a child who is not genetically linked can be so similar to us and that goes for interests too.
I actually made a list of everything I could come up with, which the "ideal match" would have, from looks to some character traits, interests (which would match our family interests)and kind of thought that any match should at least be a 50% match. I did this because I am highly emotional and know that I would be able to just fall for a child and potentially ignore whether I would really be able to parent this particular child because of my emotional response. As it turns out, our LO was a 100% match.- And by the way, it still is not plain sailing, we are having to work hard and some days are really tough. I dread to think how I would be faring, if she was not such a good match.
I think it is really important is that before you consider any children to know exactly where your strengths lie and what kind of child/ren you could parent. We were considering a great age range from 0 -7 with a preference for an older child. As it turns out we have adopted a toddler, younger than we originally would have wanted. Interestingly social services tried to push us towards younger children whereas we felt we wanted an older one. We then went full circle and identified Butterfly ourselves as a possible match. But it just goes to show that our social worker was right all along. If you have a good social worker, their ideas and opinions can be worth a lot. Good luck! xx
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2014 6:10:03 GMT
Think it's best not to see too many photo's at this stage as it doesn't help when trying to sift through the important information contained in the CPR. Better to read that first with a fine tooth comb, and read between the lines, before seeing photo's as once you've seen what the child looks like, it's harder to be objective.
We saw one photo of EDD in BMP, but didn't know what YDD looked like until the SW and FC came to our house for a meeting. FC brought some photo's with her and we weren't allowed to keep any until they confirmed the match, as there was another couple in the running. Once they confirmed us as the parents, the FC sent us some photo's as she knew we wanted to show our families our prospective children.
Personally I'd worry if I were shown "too many photo's" too early on, especially if the child was a cute one, as I'd think they were trying to distract me away from the child's potential issues, but that's just me. One is fine, but lots would have me worried.
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Post by arethstar on Mar 10, 2014 20:56:02 GMT
For me it was one part research/practical considerations, one part trusting my intuition, and one part trusting my SW's experience and intuition. I saw a few anonymised CPRs as part of my home study towards the end to practise reading them and reading between the lines. My SW was upfront about two of them being for children that were currently waiting - and that one probably wasn't a good match and one potentially could be. As an exercise, it helped a lot to discuss all of them with her and see that we were on the same page about what child I could parent - and that I could trust both my instincts and hers! The potentially good match was my Starling :) I had conversations with her SW, school, medical officer, foster carers, SALT; made sure I got all the information I could each step of the way. My SW was brilliant at finding things out for me too. I looked up the old AUK boards for threads that might be relevant to what I was learning about Starling. I didn't come across anything that was a deal breaker and lots of often little things that ticked boxes or were similarities between us that I'd never even considered. Having a good SW I could trust completely to have our back was absolutely invaluable, especially as a single adopter when you don't have anyone else with whom to share the burden of that hugely life altering decision! I struggle to remember the days now when I was thinking of a generic unknown child through the process and not my unique Starling :)
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Post by moo on Mar 11, 2014 4:46:04 GMT
Great plan to read cpr's to get a feel for how they are written.... Think that would be helpful for most....
I clearly remember the 'reading between the lines' feeling..... So much seems to be left unsaid.... But then that was a long while ago now.... Would like to think cpr's are much better & up to date now!!!!
Good Luck All.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by serrakunda on Mar 11, 2014 13:51:02 GMT
For me it was a mix of heart and head. I saw a very bad picture of Simba with the briefest of profiles, I fell for his amazing smile straight away. Then head took over, the first CPR I saw was doom laden, very negative, but 18 months out of date, the second showed how much progress he'd made with super FC. Simba does have moderate learning difficulties and autism but is high functioning and has every chance of living an independent life in the future, having friends and his own relationships. As a singly this was important to me, there wont be siblings to support him in future when I'm gone, my family is small so although he would always have a family, there arent loads of cousins of a similar age etc who would have a big role in his role. The extent of his MLD and autism was also important, at a level I can cope with. As much as I was drawn to him, I wouldnt have gone ahead if didnt think I could meet his needs - it wouldnt have been fair to either of us.
I dont think we could have had a better match, But to be honest, knowing what I know now, I think there has been a huge element of luck in that
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Post by vickyvixen on Mar 16, 2014 0:19:34 GMT
I found this thread very interesting as I've been reading through anon CPRs as part of home study and just this week discussed with my SW why I wouldn't want to see any photos until I had decided to take things further. I need my head to at least function in some small part before my heart takes over! I've also agreed with her that she only sends me the CPRs of Los who she thinks would be a good match. It's great having a SW I really trust!
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Post by moo on Mar 16, 2014 5:45:52 GMT
Hey ladybug been thinking of you.... How are things going ??
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by ladybug on Mar 16, 2014 9:36:00 GMT
Hey Moo,
Our SW went to visit LO on Wednesday and sent us another photo of her. Waiting until after Tuesday as that's her final court date for placement order then we should hear about a selection visit! Keeping our fingers crossed that they choose us. Haven't had anymore CPRs since LO which we are quite pleased about at this stage.
Will keep you up to date with how it all pans out.
Ladybug x x
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Post by moo on Mar 16, 2014 9:43:54 GMT
Oooohhh great.... Fingers crossed for you ladybug.... Nail-biting time..... Hang in xx
Here's to good news soon.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by ladybug on Mar 18, 2014 20:58:49 GMT
Hopefully we will have our selection visit in the next two weeks!! If we are the chosen match we will be at matching panel 6th May with intros starting 19th May and LO home with us by end of May!!! Scary and exciting, just trying to keep myself grounded in case they don't choose us!! X x x
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Post by knight on Mar 18, 2014 21:32:09 GMT
Oh everything crossed ladybug, terribly exciting x
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 19, 2014 14:29:40 GMT
Good luck lady bug
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Post by ladybug on Mar 20, 2014 16:25:48 GMT
Thank you Knight & Chotimonkey x x
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Post by moo on Mar 20, 2014 17:06:57 GMT
Oooohhhhhh Good Luck Ladybug.... Fingers & toes crossed here for you.....
I soooo remember the feelings of helplessness & awful awful wait..... Hang in your l/o may just have found you.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by ladybug on Mar 21, 2014 0:06:01 GMT
Thank you Moo x x
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:29:56 GMT
The waiting is the worst bit - poor you. Keep us posted.
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Post by ladybug on Mar 21, 2014 9:15:25 GMT
I knew this would be the worst part in lots of ways as everything up until now has seemed pretty much plain sailing! Thank you JMK I will do. Hoping to get some dates today of when they can arrange a selection visit, in the meantime we are decorating the bedroom but only in neutral colours just incase!
X x x x
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Post by ladybug on Mar 22, 2014 8:42:07 GMT
Well we had a phone call yesterday from our SW's supervisor to say that the placement order wasn't granted by the judge :-(
He wants it to go to the high court because BM isn't a British citizen and believes she may still come back for LO even though she has had no contact since November!
But they are still pushing for our selection visit despite LO's SW being a nightmare to contact and now hoping for a June matching panel assuming all goes well. X x x
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Post by moo on Mar 22, 2014 8:49:02 GMT
Oohhhh bad luck ladybug.... This waiting in limbo is dire you so have all our sympathies we all remember it so very very well....
At least if/when it goes ahead in June after she still hasn't got in touch or been found you will know once & for all that she was given soooooo much time your l/o will thank you for being able to share that with them when able to understand.... It should also mean stuff after that will fall quickly into place....
Try & fill your time reading all relevant texts going on courses ( it's so tuff once l/o placed you just won't want to take the time out to go )
Hang in keep posting we are all here & understand the eternity a few days let alone weeks & months in limbo feels....
Good Luck....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by knight on Mar 22, 2014 13:37:47 GMT
Oh ladybug how very very hard. It's going to feel like a long couple of months but it sounds positive that they're effectively still twin tracking. Very best of luck with the visit x
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 22, 2014 17:31:14 GMT
Ohh lady bug I'm sorry to hear that... We brought squirrel home thinking baby sis howler would be home in two months after her ao was granted... It was delayed too... Even though we we're assured it would happen we didn't enjoy the wait
I hope they go ahead with selection meetings so you know where you stand, and like it's been said it will be good for lo to know later that this extra time was given. It's hard though knowing they might. E yours and they are getting older away from you...
Gives you more time to prepare for selection (if they are talking panel dates it sounds promising)
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2014 9:39:53 GMT
Oh how disappointing for you Ladybug. Hugs to you xx
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