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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2013 10:21:34 GMT
'Twas The Night Before Christmas - by Clement Clarke Moore
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads. And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the roof there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of midday to objects below, when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky so up to the house-top the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
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Post by lemonade on Dec 9, 2013 20:06:48 GMT
Was trying to find a version I adapted a few years back, I know it started as
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a computer was stirring not even the mouse ....
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2013 8:29:53 GMT
'Twas The Night Before Christmas - The Mum's Version
Twas the night before Christmas When all through the abode Only one creature was stirring She was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping All snug in their beds, With visions of Nintendo's and Barbie flipping through their heads.
Dad was snoring in front of the TV with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee. So only Mum heard the reindeer hooves clatter Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand She descended the stairs and saw the old man. He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug. "Oh great," muttered Mum, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake." "Your gift was especially difficult to make." "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone." "Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that? Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin, same hair, same eyes, Same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust," she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" Mum cheered. "My dream come true! " I'll shop. I'll read. I'll sleep a whole night through!"
From the room above the youngest began to fret. "Mummy?! I scared ... and I wet." The clone replied,"I'm coming, sweetheart." "Hey," Mum smiled,"She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one and hummed a tune As she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon. "You the best mummy ever. I really love you." The clone smiled and sighed,"I love you, too."
Mum frowned and said,"Sorry, Santa, no deal. " That's my child's love she's trying to steal." Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "Only one loving mother is needed here."
Mum kissed her child and tucked her into bed. "Thank you, Santa," for clearing my head. I sometimes forget it won't be very long when they'll be too old for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime. Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time." With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
"Merry Christmas Mum. You'll be Alright!"
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Post by ham on Dec 10, 2013 15:17:36 GMT
The Night Before Christmas - Dieters Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly, They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry– If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2013 18:49:40 GMT
Night Before Christmas – The Teachers Version - by Joyce Luke
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule. The children were busy with paper and paste; The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears, Had just settled down to work with her dears, When out in the hall there arose such a clatter up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash; The one who was leading went down with a crash. Then what to their wondering eyes did appear But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick. She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick! She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain) But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;
"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry! Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry! Now get to your places get away from the hall Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by. They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle; Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing). As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout; The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot; The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it. Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing! The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask; It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task. The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer, But the children ignored it; they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead. She spoke not a word but went straight to her work, Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree; Then came the bell and the children were free. Their shrill little voices soon faded away And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall, She smiled as she whispered,
"Merry Christmas to All"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 8:43:43 GMT
The Night Before Christmas – Parents Version
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear.
With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I grateful went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2013 9:27:22 GMT
The Night Before Christmas – Shoppers Version
'Twas the night before Christmas at Lakeside Shopping Mall, The tableau was set up in the main entrance hall, The speakers all blared out the carols and jingles, And all the store-fronts were festooned with gold tinsel.
The galleries glittered with baubles and foil, The shop greeters wished people goodwill, peace and joy, Santa's Grotto was busy - the last chance to see That jolly old fat guy upon Christmas Eve.
Bright-lit store windows showing bargains galore, Enticed last-minute shoppers right into the store, Mothers fought hand to hand for the year's special toys, Kids covered their ears to drown out all the noise.
The baby was shrieking, the toddler was screaming, The floors of the mall were now crowded and teeming, With people out shopping - their very last chance, To snap up a bargain - they thronged there like ants.
The gift-wrapping desk was doing brisk service, The in-store detectives looked worn out and nervous, As though expecting a troupe of sled-driving elves, To ram-raid the windows and empty the shelves.
Emotions ran high and the tempers were fraught, Shoppers all jostled and crowded and fought, Filling their bags with those last-minute buys, Competing contestants all after some prize.
Some things from the jeweller, some silk scarves and scents, For women; socks, sweaters and ties for the gents; Candy for kiddies, DS's for the boys, Barbies for daughters and other neat toys.
"Where is Buzz Lightyear?" I asked a fraught elf, She sighed as she pointed out shelf after shelf, But the shelves were all empty, long since stripped bare, By all the parents who'd beaten me there.
There were boxes of chocolates, Champagne for the toasts, "All tree lights half-price!" one store window boasts, "Mum can't we go home yet?" the five year old pleads, "I'm fed up and staaaarving and I gotta go pee!"
Packed escalators and music full blast, I swear that this Christmas is worse than the last, A long-suffering fairy all dressed up in red, Points out the bathrooms, pats Tom on the head.
"Mum, that fairy hit me!" the five year old squalls, Away from a trimmed tree the toddler is hauled, My tights ruined, my hair in a mess, I'll be glad when it's over - I sure need the rest.
"Wanna see Santy," the toddlers insists, And pummels my thigh with both infant fists, The music is sickening, all schmaltzy, too loud, Volume on high to compete with the crowds.
The five year old shoplifts some sweeties with skill, I run over some guy's foot with the stroller's front wheel, Quick, time to escape before I have to explain, To a Lakeside Mall detective 'bout Tom's ill-gotten gains.
Eight plastic reindeer and a fake wooden sleigh, Are blocking the concourse, slap-bang in our way, "Mum - which one's Rudolph?" inquire the boys, While baby goes goggle-eyed at the sight of the toys.
"I wanna horsey," the toddler entreats, His face pink and sticky from candy floss and sweets, Baby just screams, getting tired and fractious, Mum feels like screaming, just tired and anxious.
So I head for the door and I shout, in a huff: "That's it, we're going home - your Mum's had enough!"
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Post by oysterbabe on Dec 17, 2013 15:40:57 GMT
Night Before Christmas Autism Version - by Cindy Waeltermann
Twas the Night Before Christmas And all through the house The creatures were stirring Yes, even the mouse
We tried melatonin And gave a hot bath But the holiday jitters They always distract
The children were finally All nestled in bed When nightmares of terror Ran through my OWN head
Did I get the right gift The right color And style Would there be a tantrum Or even, maybe, a smile?
Our relatives come But they don’t understand The pleasure he gets Just from flapping his hands.
“He needs discipline,” they say “Just a well-needed smack, You must learn to parent…” And on goes the attack
We smile and nod Because we know deep inside The argument is moot Let them all take a side
We know what it’s like To live with the spectrum The struggles and triumphs Achievements, regressions…
But what they don’t know And what they don’t see Is the joy that we feel Over simplicity
He said “hello” He ate something green! He told his first lie! He did not cause a scene!
He peed on the potty Who cares if he’s ten, He stopped saying the same thing Again and again!
Others don’t realize Just how we can cope How we bravely hang on At the end of our rope
But what they don’t see Is the joy we can’t hide When our children with autism Make the tiniest stride
We may look at others Without the problems we face With jealousy, hatred Or even distaste,
But what they don’t know Nor sometimes do we Is that children with autism Bring simplicity.
We don’t get excited Over expensive things We jump for joy With the progress work brings
Children with autism Try hard every day That they make us proud More than words can say.
They work even harder Than you or I To achieve something small To reach a star in the sky
So to those who don’t get it Or can’t get a clue Take a walk in my shoes And I’ll assure you
That even 10 minutes Into the walk You’ll look at me With respect, even shock.
You will realize What it is I go through And the next time you judge I can assure you
That you won’t say a thing You’ll be quiet and learn, Like the years that I did When the tables were turned……
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2013 18:57:58 GMT
Thanks for adding Oyster. I've not seen that one before it's great
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2013 19:02:36 GMT
Twas the Fight Before Christmas - by Mary C. Ginn, copyright 1992
'Twas the fight before Christmas when all through the house the tension was rising between in-laws and spouse.
Expecting the onslaught, she'd shopped, wrapped, and baked, Mum verged on exhaustion, her back cramped and ached. "This year will be perfect!" determined she vowed Then she lined up her brood, and she ordered aloud,
"Now, listen up, kids! Clean your ears, so you'll hear it! You'll stop all your whining and get into the spirit!"
Their kinfolk were traveling from locales afar, to watch little Jen as she held up the Star, Jeremiah as drummer, and Jimmy as goat, and the rest of the rugrats playing Heavenly Host. The vicar who cast them, though 'twas said he was braver didn't trust Baby Paul to portray the sweet Saviour.
Now the eve of the holiday pageant had come. The mock angels fluttered, the wee drummer drummed, and drummed and he drummed until Mum thought she'd throttle that dear little drummer or go drown in a bottle.
Their halos cocksure, they were ready to go. Aunt Tessie glanced out, "Oooh, it's starting to snow!" So back to the closet for twenty-two boots, while Gramps sneaked to the sideboard for a couple of snoots.
Dad paced with impatience, beating tracks on the floor. Julie rushed from the house, clipped one wing in the door. Mum, on round-up, was prodding the herd. Julie wailed with dismay, "I WILL LOOK LIKE A NERD!"
Loading four vans full, they skidded to church, side-swiping two carolers, came to rest with a lurch, and disgorged the uncles, the cousins and aunties, the angels and livestock, three Wisemen, and Granny.
When all were assembled they commanded three pews. Freckled shepherds processed and proclaimed the Good News. Mum leaned on Dad's shoulder, her stamina tested; on the other, the video camera was rested. Training its lens on his offspring with pride, disgruntled he found there was no tape inside.
He cursed much too loud for his present location. His pious Aunt Phoebe prayed for his salvation. Granny sighed disappointment, "Tsk, tsk, what a shame." Mum glared at her husband, volleyed bullets of blame.
Dad was soundly upbraided by a clan 'twas adjacent Poor vicar feared rightly that brouha' was nascent. The man behind bellowed, "Sit down in the front." Dad howled, "Go to blazes, you overgrown punk."
How the threats escalated, I haven't a hunch. And no one remembers who threw the first punch. But the fray that ensued was a Mother of All right up to the altar, 'round the heavenly stall.
Fur and feathers were flying, taunts rang through the air. There was gnashing of teeth and the pulling of hair. The peace of nativity wrenched by the roar, the manger upsot, dolly rolled 'cross the floor. The choir tried vainly to scream out the lines, of the old-fashioned favorite, 'The Tie That Binds.'
Soon the kids took their cue from their fathers and mothers, And the air became littered with the straw and the fodder. Young oxen were kicking, little donkeys were braying, the shepherds' rods snapped and poor pastor was praying.
Once innocent angels from heaven were falling, and even wee Drummer was biting and brawling. The candlesticks tottered, the altar was battered, the tree lying prone, pastor's vestments were tattered.
Then sweet, one-winged Julie, fearing huge conflagration, was sparked by the blaze of Divine inspiration. She gathered up all of the cherubs, I'm told, and began tearing one wing from each little shoulder.
When the dust finally settled, only one light remained, A lone Christmas candle whose heavenly flame bathed the children in gold, with arms 'round each other, turning angels with black eyes to sisters and brothers. Their timorous voices sang out, 'Silent Night,' overpowering the fracas and ending the fight.
So this story of angels with singleton wings, who like the blest infant, humbled powerful kings, taught a lesson of love to the grown-ups that night: Only Bearing Each Other Up, Can We Take Flight.
And the vicar blessed all, waved them home with relief,
"Merry Christmas. Go Home. And May God Grant You Peace!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2013 16:13:28 GMT
Night Before Christmas – Dodgy Deals Version
`Twas a week before Christmas and all through the town, Came echoing cries of "The Best Deal Around!" But the seasonal joy was marred by the sight, Of fast-dealing swindlers - a perennial blight.
The stocking to be hung by the chimney with care, Would likely be filled with questionable ware. As Mum in her kerchief and Dad in his cap, Were busily searching for bargains to wrap.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, To the TV they ran to see what was the matter. A sincere announcer so earnest (on cue), Did his best to convince them what he said was so true.
More rapid than eagles his adjectives came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name- "Now ladies, now gentleman, now children and all, Our offers are super, here's the number to call.
"The buy of your life, there's nothing so fine, As five rooms of furniture for two-ninety-nine." And at that same moment there appeared at their door, A glib talking salesman with values galore.
A bundle of bargains he had in his car. Goodies and gadgets priced way below par. Imported woollens for a handsome new suit, Encyclopedias and steaks knives to boot.
While they stood there transfixed, he spieled on and on, The latest edition was tossed on the lawn. And the bargains they saw made their temperatures rise, "What wonderful values! What fabulous buys!"
Imported perfume at £2 a quart, Mink coats at discount (if you don't care what sort). And just look at this, "ere your money is spent, Our toys are reduced a full 50 percent."
Brand name appliances with prices to cheer, (Except they don't say they're left over from last year.) Furniture marked up so the price can come down, To make it appear the best deal in town.
And diamonds so cheap that even a sailor, Can deck out his gal like Elizabeth Taylor. "We'll save lots of cash," they exclaimed with delight. "Let's buy all our presents on this very night."
As they reached for their purses and were turning around, Down the chimney came Sanity Clause with a bound. The look in his eye and his cautioning hand, Made them stop in their tracks as if by command.
"Do not be deluded," old Sanity said. "By the advertised claims that you just heard and read. "Outfits who use this high discount appeal, will promise you anything to make a fast deal.
"Complete satisfaction after you buy is quite unimportant to this sort of guy." He looked at them shrewdly and said, not in jest, "Always investigate - before you invest.
"There are plenty of good honest merchants you'll find, If you peel off the promises and look what's behind. "These good folks are just as concerned as you are, To stretch out your dollars and make them go far.
"Don't try to get something for nothing," he said. "You'll wind up with nothing for plenty instead." With this warning he left and he hopped in his sleigh, To his team gave a whistle and they scampered away. But they heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all - who do business right!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 19:40:48 GMT
The night before Christmas for the "Vertically Challenged" – Politically Correct Version
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
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badwolf
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Post by badwolf on Dec 23, 2013 23:47:18 GMT
Twas the night before christmas - starwars version...
Twas the night before Sithmas And all through the galaxy Not a Jedi was stirring Because we killed them all.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2013 8:58:15 GMT
'Twas the night before Christmas - The Star Trek Version
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip: The phasers were hung in the armory securely, In hope that no alien would get up that early. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks Except for the few who were partying drunks. And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace, Had just settled down for a neat face to face. . .
When out in the hall there arose such a racket, That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket. Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun, Leapt into the turbos and shouted "Deck One!" The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din, Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within. When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold, But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew, That we knew in a moment it had to be Q. His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came. Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name: "It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc! It's Geordi, Weasley, the genetic fluke! To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hull! Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street, So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet, And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew, As the captain called out, 'what the hell is this, Q?!" And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again. The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground. Then Q, dressed in fur from head to toe, Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!" And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!" "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc,' replied Q, "I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you." As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack. He dumped out the contents and took a step back. "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere. There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile, And handed out gifts with his most charming smile: "For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain, Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain. For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatible date. For Wesley, some horomones, and Clearasil-plus; For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss. For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie, And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."
And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face, And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space. But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2013 9:01:36 GMT
'Twas the night before Christmas - the Twitter Version
Twas the night before Christmas and all across Twitter Tweeples eyes were lit, they were all a-glitter.
The tweets they were flying with speed and delight as each one made plans for that great winter’s night
“I’m traveling”, “I’m eating”, “I’m hanging with family” “I just wrapped the presents, I can say now so eagerly”
The fail whale, oh the fail whale, now please go away if we can’t tweet right now, it won’t be Christmas Day!
Dear Santa, please Santa, here’s what we want most Just to help Twitter find a better web host!
On Amazon, On iTunes, on Pinterest On Overstock, on Yahoo, on Google+
On Zappos, on Dell and on Facebook keep moving that Twitter sleigh so it doesn’t get stuck.
And that’s when I saw it, a light oh-so bright a gift just for me that I’d open that night
A 30-inch monitor, inviting to me larger than ever my tweets they would be!
Reply, direct message, tweetdeck and tweetie addicted we are to this web 2.0 genie
to grant us our wishes, interacting with others we’re all here… you best friend, your mother, your brother
The future we’ve seen it, it’s right here on Twitter we’ll stay and we’ll tweet, we won’t move unless we see little critters
The future is now as we enter two thousand twelve Our hopes they grow brightly, I hope all will be well
But Twitter stopped suddenly, oh what could it be? I had something important to say can’t you see?
as we looked to the sky and saw the hope that is Christmas a baby, a Savior, could help us with this mess
A mysterious presence took over the site a moment of silence seemed to be right
For our hope’s not in web sites or people or things our hope is in Jesus Christ, the newborn King!
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and it’s this that I pray Peace and joy will be yours on Christmas day.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2013 9:07:57 GMT
‘Twas the night before Christmas – The Beatles Version
'Twas the night before Christmas, but the spirit of Yule Was not what it should be in olde Liverpool. The stockings, all hung by the warm chimney grate, Were still sadly empty. For Santa was late. Yes, midnight had come and midnight had fled. The children were lying awake in their beds, Unable to sleep and beginning to fear That Christmas was really not coming that year, When off in the distance there came a strange noise — Was Santa arriving at last with their toys? Those surely weren't sleigh bells they heard from afar, It sounded like drums — and electric guitars. Now up in the sky, as the music drew near, A strange silhouette began to appear. Could those be reindeer? It seemed that they must, But instead of a sleigh were they pulling a bus? The reindeer drew closer, and yes, it was true, Behind them a bus, all yellow and blue. And out from the windows strange voices there came, Which called out to each tiny reindeer by name. "Now, Maxwell! Now, Martha! Now, Prudence and Pepper! On, Sun King! On, Sadie! On, Jude and Loretta!" The bus was soon landed. The slightest of pauses Then out through the doors came four Santa Clauses! But these weren't like Santas the children had seen, For under the white beards their beads could be seen, And clothing that wasn't just Santa Claus red, But rainbows of dazzling color instead. They all had long hair, some had curling moustaches, And one of the four wore round little glasses. They carried guitars, except for the one Who staggered along with a full set of drums. They spoke not a word, but as quick as a mouse They carried their instruments into the house, And, moving the Christmas tree out of their way, They plugged in their amps and they started to play. The room seemed to sparkle with magic and then That sparkle grew brighter, then brighter again, And exploded like fireworks, filling the air! Then the stockings were filled; there were gifts everywhere! But the four couldn't stay to admire the scene; They sprang to their bus and were gone like a dream. But their voices called out, as they vanished from sight, "Merry Crimble to all!" and, "What a hard day's night”
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Post by ham on Dec 24, 2013 12:37:40 GMT
*Dedicated to the animal care staff of Wolf Haven International
Lyrics by Tim McElwee, Wolf Haven Intl. staff
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through Wolf Haven
Not a creature was hungry, not even the ravens.
The anticipation hung in the air.
With thoughts that Santa soon would be there.
Then out by the gate they heard a strange sound
It must be St. Nicholas just touching down.
They circled their enclosure just waiting to see
Their Santa Clause appear from behind a tree.
But Santa was not like the one we all know
He did not use a deer with a nose that glowed.
For their Santa, you see, is far from a stranger
They see him/her most daily, driving a Ford Ranger.
There is no red suit or red bag or a sleigh
Just a little brown Ford sometimes loaded with hay.
As sure as the nose on a Cocker Spaniel,
Their Santa will be Wendy, Eric, Ursula or Daniel.
Some days bringing beef and other days chicken
And on special occasions road kill that's paw-lickin'.
And as their Santa gets done and drives away.
They howl their goodbyes, each one in a special way.
So when you're at Wolf Haven, take time to pause,
And thank these special people that the wolves know as Santa Clause!
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Post by ham on Dec 24, 2013 12:39:01 GMT
Night Before Christmas - The bikers version
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad.
The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.
With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer,
My girl and I crashed on the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.
I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan
Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man).
He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks,
And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks.
I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class.
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass.
Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash,
And out of the stove he came dragging his stash.
With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her fanny and shook my right hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.
From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder,
As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder.
With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night,
Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!"
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Post by ham on Dec 24, 2013 12:42:05 GMT
Twas The Night Before Christmas - The Fireman's Version
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
The fire siren echoed, blaring it's sound
The firefighters came running from far and from near
And raced to the trucks quickly, donning their gear.
And I in my bunkers, my boots, and my hat
Jumped into the engine to see where the fire's at
Down at the corner of Fifth and of Oak
The dispatcher informed us " a house filled with smoke"
Smoke poured from all sides, from up, and from down
Yet up there on the roof there was none to be found
So up on the roof we raised us a ladder
And climbed to the top to see what was the matter
I came to the chimney and what did I see
But a fellow in red stuck up past his knees
Well we tugged and we pulled until he came out
Then he winked with his eye and said with a shout
These new fangled chimneys, they make then too small
For a fellow like me, not skinney at all
With a twitch of his nose he dashed to his sleigh
And called to his reindeer, UP, UP, and AWAY
As we rolled up our hoses he flew out of sight
God Bless our Firefighters and to all a Good Night
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Post by ham on Dec 24, 2013 12:43:41 GMT
Night Before Christmas - Genealogist's Version
'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even my spouse.
The dining room table with clutter was spread
With pedigree charts and with letters which said...
"Too bad about the data for which you wrote;
Sank in a storm on an ill-fated boat."
Stacks of old copies of wills and such
Were proof that my work had become too much.
Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And I at my table was ready to drop
From work on my album with photos to crop.
Christmas was here, and such was my lot
That presents and goodies and toys I'd forgot.
Had I not been busy with grandparents' wills,
I'd not have forgotten to shop for such thrills,
While others bought gifts to bring Christmas cheers,
I'd spent time researching those birth dates and years.
While I was thus musing about my sad plight,
A strange noise on the lawn gave me such a great fright.
Away to the window I flew in a flash,
Tore open the drapes and yanked up the sash.
When what with my wondering eyes should appear,
But an overstuffed sleigh and eight small reindeer.
Up to the house top the reindeer they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys and 'ole Santa Claus, too.
And then in a twinkle, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of thirty-two hoofs.
As I drew in my head, and bumped it on the sash,
Down the cold chimney fell Santa--KER-RASH!
"Dear" Santa had come from the roof in a wreck,
And tracked soot on the carpet, (I could wring his short neck!)
Spotting my face, good 'ole Santa could see
I had no Christmas spirit you'd have to agree.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings, (I felt like a jerk).
Here was Santa, who'd brought us such gladness and joy:
When I'd been too busy for even one toy.
He spied my research on the table all spread
"A genealogist!" He cried! (My face was all red!)
"Tonight I've met many like you," Santa grinned,
As he pulled from his sack a large book he had penned.
I gazed with amusement--the cover it read
Genealogy Lines for Which You Have Plead.
"I know what it's like as a genealogy bug."
He said as he gave me a great Santa hug.
"While the elves make the sleighful of toys I now carry,
I do some research in the North Pole Library!
A special treat I am thus able to bring,
To genealogy folk who can't find a thing."
"Now off you go to your bed for a rest,
I'll clean up the house from this genealogy mess."
As I climbed up the stairs full of gladness and glee,
I looked back at Santa who'd brought much to me.
While settling in bed, I heard Santa's clear whistle,
To his team, which then rose like the down of a thistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Family history is Fun! Merry Christmas! Goodnight!"
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Post by ham on Dec 24, 2013 13:21:07 GMT
for us
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through cyber space
All the adopters were hugging, and playing with the snow;
A tree stood in the middle, so tall and so green,
With baubles and lighting, a true sight to be seen;
The adopters were talking and laughing with glee,
As presents were given, and mince pies flew free;
The ARF and ENTs led a grand Dance of Joy,
As Christmas drew nearer, a time to fear,
When all of a sudden more adopters arrived,
As the newbies and lurkers, into the midst dived.
A frenzy of hugs and cuddles of course then ensued,
And as ever we all drunk more wine
The moon shone over this wonderful scene,
As newbies and oldies and all in-between,
Shared in laughter, frivolity and cuddling galore,
And hoping we get through this
Cyber space is home to a great planet adopt
Oldies, and newbies and so many visitors.
A warm welcome of course, can always be found here,
Backed up with some hugs, true friendship and cheer;
Ad minnie, imp moo and PT
Tokoloshe, Taliesin. Larsti Sooz
Jellies , , Pluto , Jolly mummy and JMK
Mayan Ceci, Donatella and more
A finer group of people you'd be hard pushed to meet,
Always willing to listen, the newbies to greet,
Us of planet adoption deserve to be praised,
To you all, everyone of you, I stand with cup raised.
A place for reflection, for joy and for grief,
Planet adoption, a place where friendship is key,
A place full of rainbows, sharing and tears,
We need this place to get us through.
There's many with problems
But we all share and support
Thanks to the leaders and all those on here
The forum is full of magical things,
Word association and of course the f thread.,
Soon to be revealed a party at the rec
With music, and lights, and more coping juice
As Christmas approaches it's time to reflect,
On the year that has passed, and on it's effect;
It's the season of giving, of carols, and cards,
Thank you Ad Minnie and co for this forum, it touched all our hearts.
In the meadow a snowball flies through the air,
Just missing Shadow who is standing right there;
Another flies, going splat as it lands,
A snowball fight has begun, as up strikes the bands;
As carols are sung, and stories are told,
Of days of yore, and Christmas of old,
The time for the end of this poem has come,
Just one more verse and then it is done;
We all struggle but have a great bond
Firstly, I hope you all survive this Christmas Day.
You're all such great friends,thanks for all you have done
"Merry Christmas, Goodnight, and let's have a ball
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2013 15:24:14 GMT
Ham - That is FAB!!!!
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Post by gilreth on Dec 24, 2013 22:16:40 GMT
That is brilliant ham
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2013 9:30:53 GMT
Night Before Christmas - The slightly rude Curry Version
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the diner,
Came the tinkle of glasses and the clatter of china,
We ordered at leisure, we weren't in a hurry,
We were just working up to a gut-smouldering curry.
The Pappadoms went down with raita with ease,
The crispy fried Puris were simply a breeze,
And, yes, the Parathas were certainly nice,
Till we cranked up the heat and went heavy on spice -
We ordered the Bhajis with onion, for starts,
Tomorrow we'd stifle the house with our farts,
The strong went for a Phal, for the weak - Vindaloo,
'Don't skimp on the chillis, we'll have Lime Pickle too!'
We were seeking a curry that smoulders and scorches,
Like eating raw chillis as hot as blow-torches,
So I ordered a Phal and I said with a wink,
'This will set light to my poor anal sphincter!'
Bob said with a grin 'I'll have Chicken Chilli Madras -
Tonight a sore gullet, tomorrow sore ass!'
The Phal arrived quickly, we ate it real slow,
It was like chewing cinders on a bed of hot coals.
As the meal went on, the hot dishes grew harder,
To eat so we eased them down with pints of cold lager -
The Bhajis, the Bhunas, the Prawn Vindaloo,
And the twelve pints of Cobra made a gut-churning brew.
Paul leapt from the table, his face pouring with sweat,
His nose red and gleaming, his cheeks ruddy and wet,
As he dashed to the men's room, feet pounding like thunder,
To upchuck, to heave, technicolour yawn, chunder.
He'd eaten Madras, then Phal, in a moment of rashness,
And now the route that he took was all pebbledashed.
'He can't take his curry,' said Dave with disdain,
Then slid under the table and fell in a cold faint.
'More Madras! More Bhuna! More Phal and more beer!'
We ordered but by then our insides felt queer,
Our mouths were like tinder, our stomachs were burning,
Our nostrils were steaming, our innards were churning.
We debated the merits of calling a taxi,
With most of us drunk and Paul stuck in the jacksy,
Dave under the table and Chris ready to heave,
It was nigh on midnight and past time to leave.
We paid up in haste and left Paul in the can,
Hurried into the street and there to a man,
We fell on hands and knees and we started to sputter,
Till Cobra and curry smeared the paving and gutter.
A waiter stepped out and he smiled at our plight,
Merry Christmas dear chaps and good riddance this night!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2013 9:33:15 GMT
The Day After Christmas - by David Frank
(A funny Night Before Christmas parody for credit card users)
'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house
Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch.
Wrappings and toys littered the floor,
An incredible mess that I did abhor.
With Mum in her robe and I in my jeans,
We waded in to get the place clean.
When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter,
I sprang to the Security-View to check out the matter.
The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot,
Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot.
But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant:
An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants.
The door flew open and in they came,
Stern-looking men with bills in my name.
On Discover, on Visa, on American Express,
On Mastercard too, I sadly confess,
Right to my limits, then beyond my net worth,
Over the top I had charged, in a frenzy of mirth.
The black-suited men, so sombre, so strict,
I wondered why me that they had first picked.
They stared at me with a look I couldn't miss,
That said "Buddy, when are you for paying for this?"
I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder,
Went to the cabinet and pulled out a folder.
"As you can see," I said with a smile,
"It's bankruptcy that I'll have to file!"
And with a swoop of my arm, my middle digit extended
I threw the bills in the fire: the matter had ended.
The scent of burnt ash came to my nose,
As up the chimney my credit-worthiness rose.
Without another word they turned and walked out,
Got into their limos, but one gave a shout:
"You may think that's the answer to all of your fears,
But it's nothing you'll charge for at least seven years!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 8:21:15 GMT
'Tis that time of year again. Thought I'd bump this thread for those who've not seen it before and for myself and Ham who love it Hope it gets you in the mood.
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Post by jmk on Dec 6, 2015 5:23:46 GMT
It's that time of year again Ham
(Seems about 3 months since the last one)
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Post by serrakunda on Dec 6, 2015 19:38:51 GMT
We are well in the mood here
Tree is up
Christmas lights at Kew
'Twas the night before Christmas And mummy is poopec out!
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