early placement troubles

We haven't had our little boy placed with us yet, but from experience with ours bc and looking after a little boy on a temporary kinship order, we have found baths sometimes work as a complete distraction. Then hopefully warm milk, a cuddle and sleep. Thinking of you, this is what I am dreading about placement


Mum to 3 birth children, linked to 12 month old little boy. Hopefully coming home at beginning of January.

Hello there bumble,

Yes, very normal, Spud was placed with us at 17 months and did lots of hysterical, desperate, helpless crying in the early days.

He was terrified and it was his only way of saying I've had enough of this game, I'm scared and I want to go home, where has my world gone.

It's awful, you feel helpless too.

Just stay near him, be near him if he won't let you hold him. Ultimately he has to grieve for his loss to move on.

I promise you all will be well. Spud is 100% our little boy now, but the early day and nights where he didn't sleep were harder than anything I could of imagined.

Sending you a big hug,

With love,

SC x x

bumbleb33, I'm afraid I disagree with the others! I think if a 12 month old baby is sobbing for such a long time there may actually be something wrong as well as the stress of the move. Have you checked ears? Temperature? Definitely if he's confused and tired he may well cry more than usual, but I would not expect that length of time. I know it's hard when you are starting out, but there are lots of different types of cries. If it's very high pitched, that would be a warning sign it's physical and more serious. Sobbing and gasping may suggest it's the emotional stress. I'd expect he would dissociate and sleep more than ususal if it was missing the carer that was the issue, but of course different children show different signs. Is it just today this has happened? Keep a close eye on temperature, early signs like flushed cheeks, shivers, etc. As others have suggested I'd be trying to keep him close. Swaddling might give him reassurance? HOw about phoning the FC to just check on favourite toys/ comforters etc. Make sure he has familiar smells - soap powder etc is really essential, as it cuts straight to the limbic system so bypasses his thinking.
If you're worried you could try out-of-hours doctor for advice. Calpol will help bring temp down even if it's just higher due to crying so long! Good luck x

P.S I just want to say though Bumble, in the long run Spud has settled way way faster than his sister who was placed at 3. 

Love,

SC x

Just a further thought - do you have a rocker of any kind? Chair? Car seat? The rythmic rocking is reminiscent of the movement in the womb so it's really soothing. If there's any way you can rock him, either in your arms, on your lap or just in a seat/crib, I'd try that too. I'd also hum a lot. Familiar nursery rhymes he's heard before - don't bother with the words, just gentle low humming. Also the good old washer and dryer can be soothing for little ones. MAybe it's scarily quiet compared to a busy FC house? Hope you get a breakthrough soon. x

different children show grief in different ways, but does sound like that is what he is doing, but any concerns it might be illness then get him checked over. echo all the advice given about keeping him close, keep his routines as near as possible to what he's used to at the fc's (even if it irks you to do it it will bring a sense of normality to him).  I had one little girl, who already knew me, who spent her first four or five days literally switched off and sleeping, I've had others that have cried much as your little one is doing, I've had others that presented as unaffected until I looked in the car mirror and saw the utter despair they couldn't articulate.  little man has now started to eat, to me that shows him settling, half your lo's age, but still grieving even if settling now.  keep him close, buy ear plugs if necessary.  it will pass but may take time.  theyre all different.

tomorrow swimming xxx warm water and closeness xx as a Fc we are not allowed to bathe in bath with children not sure about adoption !!!!!!! Others advise please !!!!! but as a mum I always did it xxxxx especially when teething or poorly xxx even used candles and lavender bath xxx

its fine for parents to bath with kidlets. would only be an issue where a child is older and/or where there is a known history of sexual abuse.  but also be aware that becoz fc's are not allowed this kind of intimacy with their fostered children, that a newly placed little one may not be comfortable with it themselves and other ways to be physically close may be more appropriate, like the swimming and slings etc (age and weight dependent!)

Takes me back! 12 years ago we didn't have all this knowledge and experience to fall back on so most of what I did was sheer instinct. My baby was unputdownable. For a looooong time. His naps were on me, he was a very light sleeper so I was never able to rock him to sleep and then put him down. So it was the sofa, the phone, the remote and a cuppa. And lots of skin to skin contact - I've bathed with all of mine at various times. I have to say that he was 3 and a half before comfortably being able to separate from me. By which time he'd been home for over three years.

Our LO was 12 months on placement. Initially, she was calm etc and then 2 weeks later her screaming rages began! Like loadsofbubs has already mentioned children react in different ways. I bought a sling and it was brilliant (she loved it) and as she wasn't walking I was able to use it a lot. I used a sling (can't remember the name) where she sat on my hip and was across one shoulder...I liked it because at least we could look at each other and were close. The first few months can be draining....look after yourself.

Peartree's advice is already pinned at the top of the Approved Adopters Board under the heading "Intro's and Beyond".
It is a lot clearer text and is easier to read or copy and paste. HTH

that's good. keep us posted. x

Delighted to hear things are looking up for you.