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Letterbox
Dec 3, 2013 22:33:33 GMT
via mobile
Post by chotimonkey on Dec 3, 2013 22:33:33 GMT
After refusing to think about lbox for two years, bm has changed her mind and wants it... Insetting up terms what do i need to consider ..
I have thought no photos initially, but will send drawings Request they use their first names not mummy and daddy Not use our dh and I first names mine is unusual and makes me v identifiable Set time for outside christmas and birthdays No reference to stolen children etc vindictiveness about sw etc No specific details about school/ nursery groups etc
What else do I need to make explicit At the beginning...
She is bm of our three children, is if appropriate for her to write to them separately or as a group, I think she struggled with expressing herself in writing and may find three letters hard, but the children may find not being recognised as individuals hard later...
She has fought harder for howler than for squirrel and we have yet to see how she will react when application for George's adoption goes through... Does anyone have experience with bm who treat sibs in different ways through letterbox?
Thanks Cm
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2013 22:45:03 GMT
Think you have a good list there Choti.
When I adopted 11 years ago, I used to send loads of photos, but if I were adopting now I wouldn't, because of Fbook and the like. If I was sending any they would be ones taken from a distance, or with face painted etc, no close ups. I would also make it clear that if you are sending any photo's that they are not to be uploaded to any social networking sites.
The main thing I recommend to adopters is to NOT share these letters with their children if they are very young like yours are Choti.
The reason I say this, is often BP's lose interest after the first year or two and a lot stop writing and if you have made too big a deal of reading the letters to your LO's they can feel rejected. It's best to keep it between you and BM at first, and just keep anything that arrives from her safely until your kids are old enough to understand and are asking questions. If by that stage BM is still in touch, then that is the time to involve your kids in the LB.
If your name is identifying I would use a pseudo name as I do think it is unfair signing letters as Mum and Dad.
Don't know how you'd handle favouritism, but if it was too obvious I would have a word with LB co-ordinator about it.
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Post by imprudence on Dec 4, 2013 8:51:00 GMT
I always make letters from me to the adults involved, and I would sort of expect them to be back to me. They aren't, possibly because BF are not supported to write that way / think about it in that way.
Agree with everything else about photos and names: I actually write my letters using my middle name and as we have changed the child's name also, I still use the name BM gave him. Consequently the whole experience is quite emotionally distant for me: I think this helps as he get older.
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Post by justbserene11 on Dec 4, 2013 9:18:08 GMT
We do not exchange photographs (it was written in our LO's CPR) and our LO's BM had to be I supposed persuaded to sign the agreement. I wrote recently and we used BM's first name and referred to ourselves as the 'adoptive parents'. I did not get any requests for this to be changed by the Coordinator......nor have we received any letterbox back from BM and l don't think we will (after seeing Pictures of BM with her 'new' baby).
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Post by donatella on Dec 4, 2013 9:35:42 GMT
Lb should be between you and bm, she should be writing to you not the children, and you to her. When we did it we did it in the firm of a report rather than a letter thereby avoiding the 'dear ' bit and the names.
Make it factual, and not too friendly! Write as a professional imparting necessary information.
No photos. You don't want them on fb.
Avoid significant dates - inc removal and placement. September can be a tough time - hard to find the time when dealing with the fall out of a new school year.
Don't share the letters - until they're old enough to deal with the consequences.
And remember it's about what's best for them - it's not for bm!
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Letterbox
Dec 4, 2013 12:49:03 GMT
via mobile
Post by chotimonkey on Dec 4, 2013 12:49:03 GMT
Thanks for that it's very helpful
Although Donatella (you may have similar, I'm not sure if your Los share same bps) our 3 are full sibs and finding a time in the year when it's not Xmas or Los other cultural celebrations 3 sets of birthdays, removal, placement, celebration dates + school term starts is pretty much impossible...
I feel ok about writing to bm, as all our Los we're removed at birth, the impact on our Los comes from her poor genetic inheritance and own terrible upbringing so I don't feel angry with just very very sad for her missing out on these amazing children.
I like the idea of writing it like a report, rather than a letter because our relationship should akwYs have that distance I'm doing this for my children, and a little bit for her so it stops me from personally investing in it... V good advice as always
Thank you
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Post by smileycat on Dec 4, 2013 15:46:19 GMT
I'll warn you Chotimonkey that in my experience you can ask the BP's to sign then letters as X not Mummy and Daddy but they may well do as they wish and sign it Mummy and I love you so much, think of you all the time, miss you my Potato etc etc... and when you bring it up with the sw's you get told that they can't tell them not to write it they can only ask and well you have a letter so what's the problem....
Hmmmm.
Just so you are warned!!!
So our letters- though they only have one each are put away for when they are much much older.
I write a side of A4 with little snippets about how they've come on, I tell them how tall they are, will mention that Spud's now talking well and toilet trained. Stuff like that.
I always get them to do hand and foot prints, I just don't tell the kids why we are just doing fun painting. At this point it would freak DD out...
Good luck.
SC x
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Post by kstar on Dec 5, 2013 19:04:44 GMT
Yup I agree, we had our first letterbox this month. Our agreement says no cards, no mention of Christmas or birthdays by anyway and no use of mum/mummy in either direction. We followed the rules... Contact came back three cards - one general "missing you so much", one for Christmas, one for birthday... All signed lots of love mummy. Grrr!
All so frustrating!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2013 7:43:14 GMT
It really pe*s me off when I read posts like those above.
It is the letterbox co-ordinators job to read all correspondance from all parties involved and to make sure that the correct/agreed wording is used. It is not acceptable to them let the BP's sign as mummy or daddy and to just expect the adoptive parents to accept this, because LB co-ordinator doesn't, or won't ask BP's to change the letter/card.
I have never had this problem as our BM signs her cards using her first name, so I am lucky, but if she didn't I think I'd be tempted to send it back and say I won't accept it until she signs as agreed.
Start as you mean to go on I'd say, because if you don't make it clear from the start, I'm afraid you are fighting a lost cause.
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