flora
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 34 
|
Post by flora on Dec 1, 2013 18:46:40 GMT
I was wondering how and at what age people started discussing birth family?
We've just received the later life letter for our AS and it is hard reading - and there is a lot of really difficult information he will need to be prepared for. Our AS was premature and his birth parents, who have a background of mental health problems and a learning disability, never really demonstrated any real interest in him and rarely showed up to visit him during his first few weeks in hospital and failed to attend later contact appointments. They fairly quickly agreed not to fight the adoption order and have subsequently totally disengaged with social services and have shown no interest in possible letter box contact or even providing any information.
He had the most wonderful foster family and he really felt their loss. We talk about them a lot and he really likes hearing the story of how he lived with them and then came to live with us - however, I'm finding it much harder to find the words to start introducing the concept of his birth family.
Our AS is now 2.5 and has been with us over 8-months - his understanding and speech is really good for his age and he remembers everything you tell him, so my feeling is that it is a good time to start introducing very simple concepts - if I can only find the right words.
Any advice would be really appreciated
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Dec 1, 2013 19:17:03 GMT
Hello flora. Our DS was also placed at 23 months but had a speech and language delay caused by neglect. He has more or less caught up but it is sometimes difficult to know how much he understands or remembers as he can be a bit inscrutable when talking about 'tricky' things.
We started talking about his past quite early on. I sat down with him a few times to show him his life story book. We then put 2 and 2 together and realised that he was having quite an extreme behavioural response to the anxiety it brought up in him, so I reeled back a bit. What I have told him, which I think works well, is that he didn't grow in my tummy, he grew in X's tummy (I use her first name, rather than tummy mummy, or anything like that), but that she couldn't keep him safe so he went to live with Y and Z (his foster carers), but they couldn't look after him for ever and ever so he came to live with us. He's going to live with us for ever and ever (this is a bit abstract so I then put it in terms of living here until he's as big as Blah (his cousin), and that he'll still be living with us when he's as big as Blah Blah (another cousin), and that he'll still be living with us when he's old enough to drive a car and get his first job. This interests him and we think helps him understand the idea of forever. We've had lots of funny conversations about the kind of cars he might drive...
We then drop the names of his birth parents and birth sibs into conversation, casually, so that we avoid heavy conversations but keep the idea of them alive. I don't know if we're doing this 'right'. We're just doing our best! Discussions about BF will have to be ramped up as we work towards direct contact with birth sibs, but we may ask for support from PAS on this, as it's a tricky story and I feel quite out of my depth. The idea so far, is that we will get advice from them and we will talk to DS - but this is because he gets very anxious about SWs and can spot them at 50 paces!
At the moment nothing is set up for letter box with BM, as she hasn't signed the forms, but we have and will send letters annually to be kept on file in case she changes her mind. And so that DS will know in the future that we tried.
|
|
flora
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 34
|
Post by flora on Dec 1, 2013 19:29:21 GMT
Thanks Daffin that is really helpful - the added complications of contact with siblings sounds really difficult. I think we will write a yearly letter to birth family, but have been told that we are unlikely to receive anything back. The lack of any real interest from his birth family, is easier for us in many ways, but it does make it a hard story to tell
I was thinking of using birth parents names to avoid confusion, however, I've found it much harder than I thought I would to bring their names up. Due to them totally disengaging, there is very little that we know about them - and none of what we do know is positive. We should get his final life story book shortly and that will hopefully help to open up discussion.
It's really hard to know that we can't protect him from this information - and all we can do is try to support him as best we can.
Thanks again
|
|
|
|
Post by smileycat on Dec 1, 2013 22:13:06 GMT
Hi Flora,
We've always done as Daffin says... it's worked really well for us with our DD who was placed with us at 3.... as times gone on she's asked some very pointed questions which I've always answered honestly in an age appropriate way. Each time we talk I often drip feed a little more in..... follow your instinct. Our assessing then SSW said telling the story bit by bit won't hurt, but saying nothing says it's so terrible they can't speak of it...
I think it was Holly Van Gulden that used Keeping family/Mummy/Daddy... DD really likes that term. Keeping means forever in her eyes.
Takes a while to get your head round it all but in my experience DD didn't mind me stumbling to get the right words at first, gets easier.
SC x
|
|
|
|
Post by gertiesquidge on Dec 2, 2013 14:46:59 GMT
Little Prince was a toddler when placed and we started telling him his story when he was to young really to understand, but it gave us chance to practice what we were saying. We used pictures from his lifestory book and made a simple, toddler sized picture book (we only put copies of photos in so that they could be replaced really easily if needed). We put things like a picture of the hospital he was born in, pictures of his birth parents, him at different ages, him with foster carer etc and used this as a basis for telling him his story. We started with very simple explanations of his life e.g. "birth parents weren't ready to be a mummy and Daddy and you needed someone to look after you so the social workers took you to foster mummy" As he got older we added in more detail, including the not so nice things, and always answered his questions as honestly as we could. We have also followed his lead in naming his birth parents (he has used tummy mummy, first name, real mummy, proper mummy etc) and tried not to let out feelings about what they should/shouldn't be called influence him.
He could parrot his story from a young age but it took quite a while for him to understand the reality of it, and he is still working on that.
|
|
|
|
Post by peartree on Dec 4, 2013 8:08:19 GMT
Good morning
Ok I'm coming at this with hindsight ( wonderful thing that!)
My 2 were older at 6&4 shortly turning 7&5
So they know a good chunk of bf stuff but because of the horror of neglect they forget a lot as dissociated etc
I used to think showing my 2 pictures of the bf in their books was right
It was NEVER GOOD
What I know now is I was unwittingly bringing a small child
SLAP BANG IN FRONT OF THE SOURCE OF THE TRAUMA
With no preparation
Oh dear!
So I learned
My 2 generously let me try again
So I learned a few things
1) re-do that life story book
Do it as joy Rees would
She's got a simple template in her book
It's a great method as it's starting where they are now, then going back, then forwards
2) life story work is different to the book
When they're little consider not giving surname of bps because of the joys of Facebook
Try using a way of thinking about hard stuff in a round about way
There's these things called
'Therapeutic stories' some free ones on the excellent dr Davies website
Also buy some/ borrow ones by Margot Sunderland
'The nifflenoo who said nevermind' etc
3) when they are tiny sharing a lovely feel good book is important and you can't go wrong with Todd parr
I also like 'you are special' by max lucado (Judaeo Christian in basis but not overtly religious at all+ lovely)
Truth be told my bigger ones like these !
The importNt thing is to look at the facts but then be able to put 'flesh on the bones'
The reality of being left in hospital etc
But the point is that your child was WORTH being loved
That's the key message
Being a bio mum myself of a child who went into neo natal unit it's very easy to feel unneeded
Judged
And sidelined
And I was a reasonably together mum
Over time your right to feel anger will subside in some ways but rise in others times
I've felt this over time
All the best with it but dropping in things as you go from the off is the best way and you've started that :-)
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2013 8:49:35 GMT
Great advice already given, especially about not telling LO his family surname, because of Fbook and the like. I wouldn't tell my children this until they were 18 if I were adopting today.  At 2.5 your DS is still little and won't really "get" adoption and what it's all about at his age, but as long as he hears the word occasionally so that he is familar with it. It's usually when kids start noticing babies and pregnant ladies, or if a friend at school's mum is expecting or something like that, that's usually when the questions start to come, like he might ask about when he was born etc. That's the time to start explaining about his BM (I personally hate the term tummy mummy).I always referred to BM by her first name, as I think having too many "mummies" is just confusing to LO's. I'm adopted and I only have one mum, (the mum who adopted me and brought me up). I have a birth mother and I refer to her, as my birth mother, because I don't know her name, (if I did I would call her by her name). Once DS is asking questions that's the time to start telling his story in little bits, telling him why BM was unable to look after him, about FC's etc. Life story books are fine, but I found when mine were little, EDD in particular, used to get quite angry when she looked at them. As she got older she was ok with it, but when little I definately noticed anger afterwards, as I do think it stirs up feelings of rejection no matter how hard you try to reassure them. Knowing other children who are adopted is a great help IMO, as you don't feel like you are the only one in the world who is adopted and it helps to be able to talk to other adopted kids, kind of normalizes it, so if you haven't already made friends with any other adopters, you might think about doing this either through Auk or from linking up with others on here from your area. Just generally talking about adoption in an everyday normal way is a good way to start, like if there is anyone on TV who is adopted you can just say "oh, he is adopted just like you", and that sometimes cues a conversation. Dripping it into everyday life is a casual way is best, rather than waiting for having "the discussion" when he is older as it will all be so much more normal that way and kids do absorb things gradually without even realising it. |
|
|
|
Post by gilreth on Dec 4, 2013 9:30:10 GMT
Some good advice in here which I will have to keep as Sqk grows. We are lucky in that both his first cousins are also adopted as are a lot of the other children he meets, so adoption is semi-normal in his life  We are not going to hide he is adopted and already have a Todd Parr book that we read to him. Shall see what his life story book is like when it comes but there has been a small working group formed in our local AUK support group looking at life story work so hoping for some good stuff from that. Must get the Joy Rees book soon. |
|
|
|
Post by donatella on Dec 4, 2013 9:40:38 GMT
Mine are now 12, 9 and 8 and have all been here since they were babies. I also started by showing the lifestory books prepared by SS - they've now been put away.
I found using the 'a' word the hardest thing - once we got over that it's become quite matter of fact. Now, it's something we talk about occasionally but it doesn't define who they are. The fact that they're adopted doesn't go away but it's just not really a big deal either.
With two different bms and three bfs we have some quite 'interesting' conversations at times!
|
|
flora
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 34
|
Post by flora on Dec 4, 2013 17:09:48 GMT
Thank you so much, this is all great advice We have some Todd Parr books, which are lovely - and I will check out Joy Rees for her ideas about lifestory books. I've been sent a proof of the life story book and it seems to start with us and then work backwards. I keep meaning to try and write a story that's about his birth and life so far - but I don't know where all the time goes Thanks again, this has been really helpful |
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Dec 4, 2013 23:10:25 GMT
This all makes really useful reading. I am interested to hear that others have put away their children's life story books too. I felt really judged when I told social workers at a recent meeting that I hadn't shown DS his life story book for several months because it seemed to traumatise him. I am interested to hear about re-making the life storybook in a different order, too. Sounds good. I must read up on that.
|
|
|
|
Post by sivier on Dec 10, 2013 10:38:24 GMT
Daffin, my LO is 4 and a half and has been with us since 18 months old, and I have not shown her a life story book, as such (we don't have one). I have a later life letter (totally unsuitable for now) and a bunch of photos. We have talked about BM (by her first name) and FC, about how LO didn't grow in my tummy but BM's, how BM couldn't keep her safe but how we, her forever family can and will. I have not yet introduced birth siblings into the mix but am about to do that as I think she's at an age where she can cope with that better. Recently, at the advice of SW she drew a picture to send with Letterbox contact, a mistake for me to mention who this was for as she had a a bit of a backward step. I maybe should have waited a couple of years for that. I try to be led by her questions and natural level of engagement with the issue of BF, whilst always being open about her being adopted. If you are not showing the life storybook as it is upsetting your LO but engaging with life story in other ways, that sounds absolutely the right thing to do. The Joy Rees book is excellent, we are using that to create our own version, planning to start it from when she's aged five, then go back, then forward as she suggests.
|
|
|
|
Post by kizim on Dec 10, 2013 14:17:09 GMT
Hi
İ made my own life story books using photos and very simple information...İ took the life story boks past their adoption so both have photos of previous and present families and 2 family trees. İ wanted to connect the past with the present to emphasise that they had one life and to emphasise permanency.
İ also kept a very simple story along the lines of, ' İ wanted to be a mummy of a little girl and you were a little girl who needed a mummy (İstarted as a single adopter). Your bmummy and daddy couldnt look after you properly.....over the years İ added age apprpriate info but in a casual way as others have already said.
My 2 girls have a very different reaction to adoption. My oldest has always had a need to know and went through a long grieving process. She had a fairly open adoption but has felt let down and angry at times. My youngest has little interest in adoption, She keeps photos of her fcarer but says the rest of them are strangers to her and why should she have any interest in them. İ do have very difficult indo to give the youngest - but the time has never been right so far.
Keep it simple but honest
Jofran
|
|
We are not going to hide he is adopted and already have a Todd Parr book that we read to him. Shall see what his life story book is like when it comes but there has been a small working group formed in our local AUK support group looking at life story work so hoping for some good stuff from that. Must get the Joy Rees book soon.
