flowerpot
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Post by flowerpot on Nov 28, 2013 18:25:20 GMT
Hi
I haven't posted a thread on here before and I feel a bit vulnerable.
We have recently asked for support from our PAS worker, who has recommended life-story work for our son (14) which starts next week for a once-weekly session up until Christmas.
What experiences do other adopters have of this?
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Post by smileycat on Nov 28, 2013 19:01:00 GMT
Hi Flowerpot,
Welcome!! This is a v friendly board so don't worry!!
I don't have any first hand experience of SW's doing life story work with my DD but a friend of mine who adopted an older child has had a v positive experience.....
No doubt others will be along soon.
Good luck,
SC x
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Post by Ad-minnie! on Nov 28, 2013 22:06:06 GMT
Hi Flowerpot, Welcome here  . I have found all the people here very friendly but I get what you mean about feeling vulnerable as when I first started posting I felt quite anxious about it. I am sorry I can't offer any thoughts/advice but I really hope others will come along soon who can. Minnie x |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2013 22:21:52 GMT
Hi Flowerpot, Welcome, nice to see you posting. I have no experience of this, but will watch your post for reply's as my EDD may be doing it in the near future too, so I'll be interested to see what others say. |
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Post by daffin on Nov 28, 2013 22:29:18 GMT
Hello Flowerpot. Welcome.
I'm afraid I don't have experience of support with life story work either, but imagine we will need some in the future. I wonder what you and others here think about the timing of this input? Our experience with our DS, who is nearly 4, so a very different creature to your big grown up DS, is that he gets very anxious (and therefore difficult) with any mention or reminder of his past (birth family, foster family, moving in with us, Introductions, etc.). I wonder if you have experienced anything similar. If so, I wonder if you can postpone the input until after the New Year?
Good luck.
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flowerpot
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Post by flowerpot on Nov 28, 2013 23:05:19 GMT
Thank you all for the warm welcome!
Daffin, I must admit I, too, am worried about the timing of the input - although it has been such a long time coming that perhaps we have no choice. I am worried about all of it tbh: my emotional resilience to be able to cope with whatever comes up for him, and especially how it may affect his behaviour in the short term. DS already struggles hugely with school and he is very easily knocked off balance.
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Post by littlemisscheerful on Nov 29, 2013 7:56:14 GMT
Sorry, flowerpot, no experience of life story work, but Daffin, my ED used to stick her fingers in her ears and say 'la, la , la' whenever I mentioned BF. This probably continued until she was 9/10. She will now listen to some of it, but thinks it's all irrelevant, and doesn't care in the slightest (her words, unlikely to be true).
I would drip feed in what you feel he can cope with - I got a bit hung up on having to tell her this stuff before she's 18, which means I need to tell her this bit now etc. Mostly I thought that because she can go and read her files then and I didn't want it to be a shock.
She does need to hear it all, but it dawned on me that if she hasn't been ready to hear the story from me, she is unlikely to wake one morning and ring SS and go and read the files. So I have some time
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Post by gilreth on Nov 29, 2013 8:45:40 GMT
I know the adopted boy who came to speak at our prep course talked about how positive he found the life story work he did with our LA's PAS very helpful at a similar age. he wa just 18 when he spoke to us and talked about how much at 1/15 doing the life story work with one of the post adoption SWs had given him what he needed.
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enid
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Post by enid on Nov 29, 2013 19:23:59 GMT
it depends who is doing it, what you don't need is a young inexperienced sw. I feel for you re this as I have a 15 yr old dd who up till now has caused me not a minutes worry, but now its hard to know what is normal teen stuff or adoption related, and have been thinking re life story stuff my self, but not sure if it will make things worse.
Enid. x
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Post by damson on Nov 29, 2013 20:39:44 GMT
We had help on life story work - an experienced sw worked with DD when she had her later life letter. It was really useful, altho' hard at the time. Scheduling several sessions is sensible, as your son is going to need time to digest. Our help was when DD was 14 too, and we had two sessions. It is yet another loop through the life story you will already have told before, each time with age appropriate words for progressively older children. I did find it reminded me very powerfully of how I felt when DD was placed with us, as that is the last time I really thought through the whole story. You may well find you feel very emotional too. I think it brought us closer together, as we worked to make sense of her life and identity. If nothing else, your DS will have the holiday to calm down again (ha ha, I know, it's Christmas ) |
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Post by daffin on Nov 29, 2013 20:52:05 GMT
I think life story work is tricky territory! Makes me come over all tense and nervous - I guess that's because it's difficult to know how to communicate things in the 'right' way. And it's horrible when your kid gets all messed up by something that you've intentionally told them. But I feel the same way now as littlemisscheerful used to - that I have to get tricky stuff across before our DS gets to 18 (or is old enough to get onto social media a start tracking his birth family down). Obviously at not yet 4 we have a while to go, but I never want him to feel surprised or that we've hidden things from him or lied.
Flowerpot - I completely understand if you've been waiting for input for your DS for ages and you now have a date....it's hard to then postpone, but if you're anxious about it and your DS has his struggles anyway, I would at least pick up the phone and talk to your SW/ the post adoption team about your need for their input but your concerns about timing. Surely they can reschedule until the first or second week of Jan? SWs don't move kids around Christmas time, for good reason, so why rake over big, difficult topics at such a sensitive time? Just my thoughts, don't let me upset your plans if you are comfortable to go ahead!
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flowerpot
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Post by flowerpot on Nov 30, 2013 0:28:10 GMT
Thank you for all your thoughts.
Interestingly, this afternoon I had a phonecall from the SW saying she could no longer make the arranged dates. It may have to be after Christmas anyway now!
Damson, thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps to know that others have found it so beneficial.
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Post by ham on Nov 30, 2013 10:20:47 GMT
Hi flowerpot
my dd had life story work input from a very experienced worker .dd was about 11 at the time. I had an idea if how I wanted it done and had couple of solo sessions with the SW to discuss how we would progress with it. I was adamant I wanted to be there for dd. I wanted the sw to give all the horrid bit so in-effect was the baddie while I wanted to to be the caring mum picking up the pieces when she became distressed.I was hoping to improve the attachment processor with this. I know if I had given dd the truth about her history then she would have blamed me for it.
I did not want her to have the sessions at home because I did not want the home to retraumatise her because she had to remember unpleasant memories there - hopefully they would stay at the centre we attended.
Laid some rules for dd and that it was ok to swear and could say bad things about about me or bf. Likewise it was ok to say she loved bf and missed them etc
also part of the work was about us being claiming and belonging.it was all very visual with drawing family figures to make it more tangible for dd.
at the end she was presented with a lovely book by the sw of the work accompanied during the sessions.
Some of the ideas were form the SW and others were based on my knowledge of dd and also a course I did.
the sw was willing to adept her normal life story work to accommodate the needs of my dd.
after each session we had a little treat a bar of chocolate, an extra story.
I would also have reservations about the timing of the sessions.
good luck
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Post by moo on Nov 30, 2013 10:55:15 GMT
Thanx for starting this post flowerpot I have found it fab & very appropriate as pas are panning this with baa after christmas...
Some brill replys Thanx guys... I am very anxious about it because i'm not sure the timing is quite right at the mo.... No dates have been set as of yet so I think we need to hang loose a while longer....
I really look forward to more answers....
Good Luck flowerpot keep us posted when your appointment is re-booked for....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by peartree on Nov 30, 2013 11:16:47 GMT
Welcome flowerpot I am pleased to say it was a very positive thing for my dd and me I've used the techniques further with our son who would have been 14/15 at the time There's a couple of books to look at 'Story revisions' by parry and doan And 'the child's own story' by rose and philpott I'd recommend attending and being involved in each session Also a relaxed evening with something sweet snack wise straight after Pear tree |
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Post by jollymummy on Nov 30, 2013 11:47:24 GMT
When our daughters first showed signs of difficult behaviour we contacted our PAS team who suggested life story work. Our children did not get a life story book on placement, so we said yes. The SW started the work with them and delivered a book to my son aged 12 who is very happy with it. The work with my 15 year old girls did not get finished and is now going to be completed as part of their therapy, rather than as a separate activity. Am fairly certain that going over this stuff contributed to their problems, so I would suggest it is done sensitively and by an experienced SW. Doing this work with a teen is not the same as doing it with someone younger, IMO. But I do think it is important that it is done and we are keen for the girls to work through their story with their therapeutic team. (They do know much of it, but not the fine details.)
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Post by peartree on Nov 30, 2013 18:53:54 GMT
Bearing in mind the above post
A suitably qualified therapist trained in the methodology that will not shame etc is vital
Ours is on the PAC list of suitably qualified/ experienced therapists
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Post by donatella on Nov 30, 2013 19:15:46 GMT
Ours was done by therapists as part of a package of support. They did it really well and age appropriate. It helped our son to understand why they weren't able to care for him. And being undertaken by a neutral party meant it was matter of fact, not sugar coated but not judgemental either.
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flowerpot
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Married Adopter
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Post by flowerpot on Dec 1, 2013 12:17:29 GMT
I really appreciate this information. Thank you all so much.
Our worker, I know, is experienced (trained by Family Futures et al) and I trust her. What has come up for me reading these posts is that I would like to find out more about the process and be as involved as I can in the planning. Peartree, I will certainly have a look at the books you suggested and think carefully about how to prepare practically for after the sessions.
Ham, I am so hoping that it will improve our attachment and be a few more steps on the long road to integration. Your comments about 'claiming' and 'belonging' are very powerful and something I so wish for my DS - that he can be in a place of knowing and feeling that he absolutely belongs, and is of incredible value.
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Post by gertiesquidge on Dec 2, 2013 14:13:44 GMT
Our Little Prince is going through his life story with the PASW at the moment. He had lots of meetings with the SW before she even started to work with him (due to his various special needs). Not formal meetings, just saying hello when she visited our house, she looked after him on an outdoor activity morning the dept put on and chatted to him at the annual fun day.
When she started working with him she had already built in less threatening or emotional topics (eg finding info on his birth town or culture) that they could switch to if discussing the harder bits got too much for him. They only spend an hour on it each time and that seems enough, long enough to get through some stuff but not too long that Little Prince gets overwhelmed. They work together in the dining room and I potter about in the lounge and Little Prince seems to find it comforting that he can shout questions to me and check I'm still there.
There hasn't been too much fall out yet as they have stuck to the basics so far, but this week they will be getting into the real nitty gritty stuff (and Christmas is in full swing at school) so that could change.
We have had some really deep conversations in the car that show he is really thinking through a lot of issues (adoption, separation, parenting and human nature in general) and coming to some very mature conclusions that have me reaching for the tissues.
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Post by nzhb on Dec 12, 2013 23:54:57 GMT
This has been interesting .
Our DD aged just 11 has started being oppositional, defiant & very antagonistic towards me over the last 6-9 months. Usually now I am considered annoying, irritating, home is better without me, everything is ( of course) my fault, & culminating with DD telling a friend who had come to play the 'mum is horrible, she means nothing to me' as she stood on the doorstep with friend waiting for my husband to let her in. My hubbie was shocked.
I am not, although CAMHS think this is all attachment & we are waiting to see if they will offer any therapy /family therapy.
My thoughts are - why haven't I had any of this before - DD has been with us 8.5 years.
Is this pre-teenage angst?
Is this anything to do with needing life story work (not just me chatting about birth family in everyday terms & DD having pictures of them in her room - she has had these for years) undertaken therapeutically? She has been rooting around in her 'special box' & in our private places possibly looking for info.
Maybe she doesn't like the fact that I always try & answer everything & have 'the power'.
She tells me that I have changed & that she has never liked me!
Funny how Camhs have told us only 18/12 ago how she felt secure with us & was settled with us & they didn't feel anymore intervention was needed ( we had only seen them 4-5 times, mainly because of school issues)
Is it my job to do the lifestory work?
Who do I ask to help me?
Adoption support have indicated they don't have much resource to assist us as budgets cut.
CAMHS think PAS will do the work.
We have pushed for an around the table MDT meeting.
Any thoughts or words of advice form other adopters?
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Post by peartree on Dec 13, 2013 8:25:26 GMT
Not uncommon to have issues thought died down reappear with a vengeance at puberty
Think life story work can be done in part at home with you
But with the angst.
Pushing away etc I think you're going to need help a plenty whatever ss say about their budgets
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Post by peartree on Dec 13, 2013 8:28:15 GMT
Recommend a full second opinion by catchpoint and get them to quote for life story work on top
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Post by peartree on Dec 13, 2013 8:30:10 GMT
PAC do a good package
So do coram
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. I have found all the people here very friendly but I get what you mean about feeling vulnerable as when I first started posting I felt quite anxious about it. 
