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Post by piglet on Nov 27, 2013 18:57:37 GMT
I have just found out that a relative has terminal cancer. It is unknown whether they will leave the hospital as it was discovered very late and because I have been introducing Little Roo to people gradually they haven't met yet.
I want them to have time to build a relationship. Does anyone have any experience on having to do hospital visits and possible pitfalls, things to make it easier? I hate hospitals myself but suspect Little Roo is going to find it hard, especially when the inevitable happens.
Any advice appreciated.
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Post by pluto on Nov 27, 2013 19:22:27 GMT
I would say we visit MY friend because she is very ill. I would not encourage your child to build relationships other than on the surface. As this person might mean a lot to you, for your daughter this is a stranger. Maybe there will be time, maybe not to build meaning full relationships, but I would not get my traumatised child involved in something like this just to have another loss, and if there is very little time it is unlikely real realtionships can be build. I would visit alone most of the times and maybe take my child ones or twice.
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Post by piglet on Nov 27, 2013 19:27:48 GMT
Thanks Pluto. She already knows about this person, I just say she is very sick and I have been visiting on my own. You are completely right and I need not to let my heart rule my head. They are desperate to meet little too but I don't want to traumatise her obviously.
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Post by sooz on Nov 27, 2013 19:28:08 GMT
I'm afraid I would have to agree with Pluto.
I am very sorry to hear your news, very hard times. Sending hugs xxx
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Post by oogleschnook on Nov 27, 2013 19:43:30 GMT
((((Piglet)))) So sorry to hear about your relative. A close relative of mine was diagnosed with inoperable cancer about a year after our LOs moved in. I took LOs to see relative (who they already had a relationship with) in the hospital, home and later the hospice before they died. It was tough and not sure I have any great answers/strategies... Have you any idea about timescales at all? We had about 3 months from diagnosis to the end so time to do things gradually. My LOs were much younger than Little Roo (toddlers) so probably accepted things a bit more and didn't ask too many questions. At the start was fine as relative looked fairly well (if in bed) and was able to interact with them and they with him. Also the period at home as they were used to visiting there. The hospice was fantastic, they had a little playpark and a playroom and I could play with them on the park or with the toys whilst relative could sit and watch them out the window or in the playroom while they were playing or walk round the grounds with relative in wheelchair. The staff made a fuss of them and we would have lunch there etc. so they regarded it as quite a day out! They also had a service at the hospice for kids for before and after death where trained nurses would do stuff around grief and things like releasing balloons/planting memory tree etc. We never got LOs involved in this as too young. I think they might have offered this to other kids (not just ones who's relatives were in the hospice, but not sure). When relative became very unwell, just I went to visit and would take messages/cards etc from them. I would explain that he was too tired/feeling sick for visitors and that I was just popping round to help. There is no way he could have coped with visits from them the last month nor would I have wanted them to see him so very unwell and in pain etc. I told them quite early on that X was sick with Y and that he was going to go to heaven soon. We talked with LOs a bit about heaven and relative also talked about going to heaven and looking forward to it. (We are a Christian family so this was genuine!) LOs did cope well when he died and we chat about X every so often. I think they probably struggled more with me being less available (as I ended up quite heavily involved in caring for him) What a lot for you to think about and consider.... I know you've been under the weather yourself recently so very very tough to have all this on your plate. I guess as Little Roo hasn't met them yet, you'll need to think about what's best in terms of developing a relationship that is going to end soon - whether it is best for her to meet them in person or hear about them from you and see photos etc. Is your relative up to making a new relationship at this stage? (I know they will want to but in terms of energy etc...) Can you discuss with relative what they think is best? You will know what's right for you, Little Roo and your family. Please remember to look after yourself, you will be shattered by this and need a bit of time to get your head round it before making any decisions. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers at this time OSx P.s. Couple more thoughts - Winston's Wish is a charity who help children with bereavement and preparation for someone dying and have resources on their website - www.winstonswish.org.uk Someone also gave me a book called 'Badgers Parting Gift' for kids about someone dying which was lovely. I didn't use it with LOs as they were too young, but might be something to look at? |
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Post by piglet on Nov 27, 2013 21:00:02 GMT
Thank you oogleschnook.
I don't know how long she may have at this stage. She is receiving some treatment so it depends how well this works. She is very upbeat and positive and really wants to meet little Roo. I guess it would be easier for LO if they don't meet but it I think it would be hard for me to see that through, and probably better for them to meet now before she is too sick.
As you say a lot to think about and I will definitely look at those resources.
I have had a few weeks luckily to think this would be the diagnosis before the words were said so I was a little prepared, obviously still a shock though.
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Post by oogleschnook on Nov 27, 2013 21:34:50 GMT
So tough Piglet. ((()))
Hope there is some response to the treatment.
If you do decide that they should meet, it might be worth looking into ways to make it less 'hospitally' e.g. if relative is able to be wheeled to café in hospital and join you there perhaps, a lounge/playroom you could have exclusive use of or if there's a playpark in the grounds? Nurse/palliative care team might be able to have some ideas about how to make it more relaxed.
I really get that you would like them to meet Little Roo and her to have met them before the end, I think as Pluto says it's about not making that too intense for Little Roo. Regardless of whether they have met or not, it is something that is going to affect Little Roo. You are going to be grieving and she will be aware of that and why.
Do take very good care of you in it all
OSx
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Post by lilka on Nov 27, 2013 21:55:55 GMT
I'm so sorry to hear about your relative I agree with oogleschnook - is there any way they could meet in a lounge/dayroom or hospital cafe to make it less intense? Depending on my child, i would be inclined to try and do 1 meeting, as i would struggle to say no in this situation and deny my relative one of their wishes  BUT Little Roo comes first at the end of the day, and I would be wary about building up a relationship, only for Roo to lose this new person. Maybe 1 or 2 meetings would be okay with Roo, and also give your relative a chance to meet her before they pass away? |
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Post by piglet on Nov 27, 2013 22:08:16 GMT
I think that is the conclusion I am coming to lilka. A couple of low key meetings early on and then just sharing of stories and pics. It's been really helpful to have a sounding board so thank you everyone.
I don't think I really meant meaningful relationship when I posted earlier, there's tears if plans with people get changed - but I do want them to meet so it's the best and least stressful way to do it.
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Post by imp on Nov 27, 2013 22:40:43 GMT
Piglet, so sorry to hear your news, and for you to be faced with such important decisions at this difficult time.
I see that you have probably decided on a couple of brief meetings, and I support you in this, not only for you and your relative, but also for little Roo. It could be that if they don't meet LR might resent not having the chance to meet, if not now--in the future. If you can keep it light , while your relative is also upbeat, then this will always be a good memory for LR, even though there will be a degree of grieving afterwards.
As someone else has suggested, Winston's Wish have some excellent publications and are a fount of good advice.
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Post by smileycat on Nov 28, 2013 20:39:45 GMT
So so sorry Piglet.... sounds like you've got it all sensibly planned.
Love,
SC x
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Post by damson on Nov 29, 2013 22:01:56 GMT
My children met my father once, when he had terminal cancer. By then, he was home, but pretty much stuck with lying on the sofa. There is lots of death in their story, but their memory of him is as the man that gave them each a £5, the first they had ever handled. They were about LRs age at the time. It was hugely important to him, and to me, and is another piece of the jigsaw of family life for them.
Neither of the children like hospitals. They associate them with disaster, and they really worry when they have to go visiting.
I am with the others on the make it a low key visit, preferably away from the ward. And then decamp fast to a place with tea for little girls.
How people handle illness and death is important, and so is your sorrow. LR is close to you, and she knows you are upset.
I hope the meeting goes well. D
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BUT Little Roo comes first at the end of the day, and I would be wary about building up a relationship, only for Roo to lose this new person. Maybe 1 or 2 meetings would be okay with Roo, and also give your relative a chance to meet her before they pass away?
