Struggling under the weight of people's expectations

You're not a bad parent! I have found I have to be really, really selective about who I share details about DS's behaviour with or our concerns about him. People say crass things or give advice based on their expert knowledge of their birth children. I have completely stopped seeing a friend I had known since University and I more or less put the phone down on a friend I used to share a flat with the other day (she was lecturing me - again - about how all little boys are.... I said my DS needed me urgently and click, patronising nonsense over!). You will find new friends and you will find that some of the friends you already have are better at 'getting it' than others. And you will make friends here.....

I also, am really selective about who I tell about my children's issues/behaviour. It is sad that we have to do this. I would much prefer to be open and honest with friends and family but when the response is patronizing or dismissive you just can't let yourself be put in that position. It undermines you. Some people really don't get it and they never will. With such people I find myself just smiling along with the general banter about kids and parenting - nodding and laughing in the right places, but giving nothing away about the reality of living with my children. If you can identify one or two people who are more understanding and not judgmental you can cultivate their support and educate them a bit about the realities of adoption. But don't seek advice from those who would judge you and put a stop to it as soon as they start - change the subject. If they persist let them know that you feel undermined by their judgements and you would prefer an encouraging positive response. Easier said than done I know. Sending positive affirmations! xx

Hi Piglet, The inability to really share what is going on- because family/friends try to rationalise what you are saying to fit with their own experiences - is another layer of isolation for adopters in my opinion. Have just had an awful summer with my 17 yr old dd running away / saying we beat her/dangerpus behaviour which meant İ shared more than usual with people because İ needed there help. Reactions varied from friends WHO felt sad for me and labelled dd a sociopath to people WHO felt she was running away because we were too strict to people WHO believed she had run away because we were torturing her.
İ came back to the UK recently for a week and brought my youngest dd - couldnt have relaxed if my older dd had come - İ only shared a little of what had been going on, saw the shock and horror cross their faces and closed my mouth. Speaking with a cousin WHO adopted and other adopters in my life or on these boards was the only time İ felt understood.
My hb used to say the other board was not helping and that İ was looking for problems abd labelling them adoption issues...so İ backed off from the boards and tried to view her issues as the usual teenage problems which some of them undoubtedly are - but they go WAY beyond 'normal' teenage stuff, and brought me running back for help. Still İ struggle with my own guilt and wonder what İ could/should have done differently but İ am not sure any of it would change the pathway she is choosing - but still İ have hope that she will come through this.
İ now keep layers of people around me and give info on a need to know basis. Even those WHO do not react as İ would want can be very helpful to me at times...but İ wish the armchair psychologists would keep their theories to themselves!
Take Care
Jofran ((())))

Thank you everyone. I have looked at groups but they aren't nearby and I don't have childcare. I did start exercising again to help me look after my mental health but then I got sick.
It's so hard at the moment especially when on the one hand people are judging me but on the other hand it never occurs to them to help me out when I need it.
I have wanted to adopt since I was about 10 so I wasn't under many illusions but this may be the one area where I didn't anticipate how my relationships would change.
Can anyone recommend any helpful reading? I always feel more in control when tackling things with a book.
I am working at home for the forseeable future whilst I shake this cold/chest infection thingy so at least I only have to crawl to school and back.

Just want to give you a ((hug)), and hope you feel better soon. As others have said this is a common problem for most of us and you are definately a good parent, doing your best under difficult circumstances. We have had to prune our support network so much that we are now left with just a stick, I kid you not Take care of yourself.

Ah Piglet, as others have said IT'S NOT YOU!!!!!! It's those who live outside of Planet Adoption. A good friend of mine is an adoptive parent too, I met her on our prep course, she and I rant about exactly this on the phone often. She said that it seems to her that her oldest friends are becoming more and more distant every day... it's true. I did giggle though when she said but SC you know what the friends who are most self interested are perfect, they are not interested in my LO so I just nod and smile as they chat about themselves!!! Very amusing.

On a serious note I am sensitive, it hurts me deeply that I've found doors closing in my face, a friend I really valued stopped getting in touch when Spud was placed because she wouldn't believe me when I said he was struggling with her picking him up to the point that he had bad dreams after we met up. Big loss for me and DD... she thought a child of 18 months wouldn't be affected grrrrr!

I do keep my mouth shut about the kids issues now apart from a couple of trusted friends and my sister who I'm v close too, most of my family think I'm over protective and potty. I've learn't that sometimes pre-warning DD that Auntie La La might do x or y to worry her, what can we do about it? Then pick up the pieces afterwards so we don't end up totally friendless and lonely!!

But it's true, we find that we spend a lot more time with some friends and family than others... it's not what I imagined but then not a lot of my life now is as I'd imagined....!!!!!! 

Hang in there and come vent when you need it- we all get it.... If trauma was an extra limb though life might be easier for us where the non-believers are concerned.

Hugs.

Hope you feel much better v soon,

SC x x x

Hi Piglet, by now you know that star charts don't work for our children... But they do work on me!
In the run up to Christmas, I used to have a sheet of card with an old Christmas card pic stuck on (chosen by the child)and every time they did something good/ nice/ helpful, I stuck a glittery sticker on. It was the route to earning money for presents for other people, and it meant we could go to Christmas Fairs and the children could buy nice little things for relatives and friends with their money. All a bit theoretical, and worked better for kids older than yours, but solved the Christmas present problem. However, it worked really well when I had my own card, and when I did something nice/ good/ helpful I awarded myself a sticker. More interesting still, the kids would sometimes award me one. With 'my reward', we all had something nice. If I had my own star chart now, I'd give myself a star for every time I have managed not to snarl out a snappy rebuttal to some teenage indolence or rudeness

My support network now is people who get it. Friends who are foster carers and adopters, parents of children with disabilities. Some years ago, I went to a training course that ran for weeks, and we shared lives, made friends and began to meet socially. They are utterly reliable about the ghastly side of life, and they really do 'get' attachment difficulties. I have other friends for things I do in my own right as a person, and I am reserved about sharing any issues with them. I think there are days when I need a badge that paraphrases the blood donation one 'Be kind to me, I adopted'! I don't need to discuss why I feel sad or carp, I just need the kindness.

Can't remember where I first saw this, but we are onion growers in a world of mostly apple growers - and the apple growers often think that because they grow apples, they know how to grow onions.........!

Chocolatedog and lemonade- that's brilliant.

Time to move to an onion field!!