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Post by smileycat on Nov 13, 2013 8:40:35 GMT
Every morning my DD pushes and pushes until she gets a reaction out of me... I know the separation during the night is at the root of it so I think she's controlling me by making me cross... I think the fact I get it makes me more upset but as you know our kids are just soooo good at this.
We always have a cuddle time in our bed but even there she's being difficult. Def worse since Spud joined us...
So guys what do I do because I can't keep doing this... I try SO hard to not get cross. Thing is I am not a morning person!!!!
Help.... :-(
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2013 10:02:57 GMT
Do like your avatar and keep smiling so she doesn't see your re-act.  The more she sees it upsets you the more she will do it unfortunately.  Easier said than done I know as I'm having to do the same with my nearly teen YDD at the moment, as advised by my SW. Hugs to you xx |
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connect4
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Married Adopter
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Post by connect4 on Nov 13, 2013 10:15:54 GMT
Hi Smileycat,
I feel for you this morning. I know that feeling of disappointment in yourself because you have got annoyed/lost your temper yet again, when you told yourself you would not.I have had had some horrendous mornings with our two. Sometimes after dropping them off at school I have returned home and sat in the car for ages, not able to do anything, like I am paralysed with grief about it all.
What is she doing to push you? What is it that gets to you? With me, it's fighting with each other, not doing what they are told/need to do to get ready for school, being extremely rude and my daughter pushing me away. If I get cross things just get worse. I have had to learn to not take things personally, to avoid head on battle of wills,to separate them as much as possible, and for me to get enough sleep at night. When they were younger turning everything into a game did help in the mornings.
Advice is difficult to give, as everyone's situation is different, but I want you to know that after 4 and a half years things have improved. As they have gradually become more secure in our home and in their attachments to us their behaviour has improved and mornings are generally much better. Perhaps there is no easy fix and it is just a question of time.
Don't be hard on yourself. Think about all the times you have responded positively - I bet they outweigh the negative.
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Post by smileycat on Nov 13, 2013 11:52:16 GMT
Thank you both SO much for your replies..... I shall think of the big ginger cat JMK tomorrow morning or George Clooney ;-)
Connect 4 you've just described my mornings to a T. Thanks for sharing your feelings- that's exactly it for me too.... :-(
Taken on board all you've said.
Thanks for getting it guys.
Right will start by going to bed earlier tonight!!!!!
SC x x
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Post by donatella on Nov 13, 2013 14:58:55 GMT
Ah mornings, my favourite time of day. Not.
I have three, one gets himself ready with sone nagging. My daughter - asd - needs a fair amount of reminding and encouragement but isn't too horrible.
Then there's middly. ADHD, asd plus. Meds take 20 odd minutes to kick in so everything needs to be calm and as stress free as possible. If I raise my voice or show that I'm getting stressed then that ramps everything up. What works for us is to do everything upstairs in my room - pill, breakfast, getting dressed. He literally has his coat and shoes on in bed! Once he's ready it's downstairs where his motivator is waiting - the iPad. If he's ready in time he gets it, if not he doesn't.
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connect4
Bronze Member
Married Adopter
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Post by connect4 on Nov 13, 2013 15:13:31 GMT
LOL,ha, ha, ha,
Yes. we do everyone getting dressed and teeth cleaned in our bedroom, too. And no tablet/computer/tv till all done.
I have also found, and I know this sounds counter-intuitive and just plain wrong, but if I let them stay in bed for longer so there is less time to get ready, somehow it can go more smoothly as there is less time for arguing and fighting. Sometimes it's trial and error!
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Post by daffin on Nov 13, 2013 15:35:25 GMT
Oh I do sympathise. I'm not a morning person either and my DS does his best to push my buttons. On Monday I made the mistake of raising my voice as the third piece of plum flew across the kitchen. It then took us an hour and a half to get him out of the door for nursery! I felt wrecked afterwards. This morning I managed not to rise to the bait and we managed to leave on time and without tears (his or mine). I'll try and apply the good advice others have given, too.
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Post by smileycat on Nov 13, 2013 18:25:55 GMT
Oh thanks guys- it really helps to know I'm not alone here.... :-)
Hugs,
SC x x
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Post by moo on Nov 13, 2013 18:35:30 GMT
Hugs smileycat..... Another day over....
{{}}
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by kstar on Nov 13, 2013 19:04:02 GMT
Mornings are a challenge here too! Starlet used to come into my bed but then it all seemed to be on her terms, so now I surprise her and get into bed with her before she wakes up! Somehow this makes things feel more like I am in control and she seems to respond to that. We then have a "race" to get washed and dressed... She has a points chart and I make sure she wins almost every day so she wants to do it again the next day!
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Post by phoebe on Nov 13, 2013 21:10:49 GMT
Smileycat, if there is a definite enjoyment from getting you wound up, then you need to adopt anti-wind up strategies! How about low humming of a nursery rhyme or favourite pop song? Something lo will recognise? If the anti is upped, you get clearer with the wrords but never louder, like saying "face, bovvered?" but in a very polite way? lol
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Post by littlemisscheerful on Nov 13, 2013 21:21:15 GMT
For me, getting as much ready the night before helped, as well as trying to get up before the kids. Sitting quietly, having a cuppa sets me up nicely before the onslaught
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I agree with keeping them apart as much as poss - I staggered them so one would have breakfast while the other was getting dressed. They used to get dressed downstairs.
Mine needed lots of help to stay on track when they were little, - ED needed me to help her dress for a long time, and YD can only cope with 1 instruction at a time.
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Post by kstar on Nov 13, 2013 21:33:37 GMT
If it's purely a control thing, the other thing that works with Starlet is giving an instruction and walking away. Some how she sees that as a better alternative than having to back down once she has dug her heels in!
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Post by mudlark on Nov 14, 2013 21:03:30 GMT
Lapwing and Peewit (DD aged 4 DS age 3) were quite difficult in the morning endless negotiation over who got dressed first, who wore what and possibly refusing to wear anything at all. I have recently found that definitely doing one at a time helps but also me talking non stop about something distracts them. e.g. I start off.... if we saw a squirrel today in the park do you think it would like to play with you....what would it like for breakfast....would that be with jam or chocolate spread...did that squirrel say it liked marshmallows or was it carrots...etc etc...
the distraction from the task in hand meant that for the last two days they have allowed me to dress them quickly and with the clothes I have chosen ( first thing I could grab) I think I am distracting them from having to try and take control or making a choice, my insane nattering about imaginary squirrels seems to relax them! I am sure now I have said this tomorrow will be back to 30 minutes negotiating which sock to wear!
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Post by smileycat on Nov 14, 2013 21:47:59 GMT
Oh Mudlark that's just brilliant, I am in stitches having just read your post! That's brilliant- I shall be doing that tomorrow DD will love that! She's terrible about what she wears and then pulls the well I'm not getting changed out of my PJ's as I think I look wonderful- sounds like you know all about that nonsense!!
Overall my biggest problem comes when I need to do something for myself and getting dressed in the morning has to be done and then all hell breaks lose.
So- Last night following your suggestions I got all the breakfast stuff out and ready, all the home ed stuff ready and again tonight as that really helped today...
This morning I separated them as much as possible... made a big difference to the rest of the day.
Thanks so much guys. Great suggestions.
But most of all- I thought well SC it's not just you that gets this nonsense the others on the boards do too. Made such a difference to me.
Thanks SO much everyone.
:-)
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Post by gilreth on Nov 15, 2013 14:47:20 GMT
I avoid mornings - DH deals with them. Admittedly I do get the clothes out night before which helps and we only have one to deal with. Given Sqk is waking up after us, DH has time to get up and dressed and get breakfast stuff ready before the little man wakes up. Finding getting stuff ready really helps as Sqk can get really silly and not cooperate with Daddy in getting dressed.
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Post by esty (archive) on Nov 15, 2013 18:28:18 GMT
Its a military operation here with joviality only after 2nd cup of coffee. Eldest is out of house by 8 and youngest is now, 18 months in, starting to go with the routine with TV or playing outside for ten mins as a reward. I find mornings really hard, mainly due to lack of sleep, mine!
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Post by smileycat on Nov 15, 2013 21:45:36 GMT
Oh I wish DH didn't have to go of to work early- he is SO much better at them than me- but like you say Esty lack of sleep does not help!!
Much better morning again though thanks to all the suggestions.
:-)
SC x
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