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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 12, 2013 17:44:11 GMT
 My my mother and l have just exchanged a number of words and i am sorry but I need to rant to people that 'get it'. My mother has been waiting for an opportunity to point out my many supposed wrong doings and this evening was when it happened. Apparently, our LO is 'far too attached' because she 'relies on me too much'....err excuse me? She told me that all 'children can be difficult' and that l just have to 'get over that she is adopted'..... I also had to deal with 'broken sleep' (LO has been waking early and also wakes and comes into our room still since we changed her cot to a bed), that l was self centred etc........No sympathy. No empathy. Nothing. I am quite independent and my mother who can be quite controlling (and is an expert in emotional blackmail) expects me to behave as my sister did when her children were of the same age. The difference (with the exception of poppet being adopted) is that I live 20 miles from my parents and my sister lives 5 minutes away....my sister also a being young mother, relied heavily on her. My mother also Stated that she wanted to take my daughter out (ok), but when l was over last she said that l came to the park at my daughters insistence.... Err so! I have pointed out about attachment, but even though my mother has had a very difficult childhood herself (she is not adopted but lived with her relatives until 12) just doesn't get it. I know that I could go round to see her more often, however l feel that l have been judged and criticised. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes it is hard when your own mother/sister have been less than sympathetic. I have tried to explain that our daughter has been let down and it will/does effect her, but they see a 'normal' toddler who is with his forever family and that she is 'fine'. No one is infallible, I have my faults but tonight my mother was nothing short of vicious. Oh well.
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Post by sooz on Nov 12, 2013 18:02:50 GMT
My sympathies !
I'm fortunate in that my mum is always getting at me, but not about my parenting, I think that would tip me over the edge. My mum cannot handle ds herself so obviously feels she can't dig at me for that.
It hurts when close family or friends criticise you, a lot! It's obviously been brewing with your mum and she's let it out now. Let her stew and remember you know best xx
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Post by lilka on Nov 12, 2013 18:17:17 GMT
Agh, I'm sorry to hear that
She is 100% wrong, end of story. Sadly whilst my own mum has always been mostly supportive, most of us could probably walk around playing 'stupid comments' bingo and get a weekly prize. People just don't get it
It sounds like she'll never 'get it'. If anything I'd be inclined to go round even less often. You deserve to be surrounded by supportive people who (even if they don't fully get it) don't say nasty things to you or emotionally blackmail you. Since she is wrong and you are right, it only matters what you think.
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Post by sooz on Nov 12, 2013 18:21:14 GMT
I'm loving the idea of stupid comments bingo!
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connect4
Bronze Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 98 
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Post by connect4 on Nov 12, 2013 18:44:19 GMT
My husband and I now firmly believe that nobody 'gets it' except those who live it. Not even most sw's (in our experience). We also have had unkind comments from family members who, when we have explained difficulties, have actually blamed us and our parenting! We no longer tell them everything as the support is just not there. I received the support I needed on AUK boards (years ago). I have finally forgiven my sister in law and I now can see that she will never understand - it's just not in her experience or her capability to imagine. That's her problem. I can imagine that if it is your mother it is so much worse. You probably won't be able to change her thinking but don't let her get away with speaking to you like that.
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Post by moo on Nov 12, 2013 18:55:47 GMT
Me too sooz!!!
I have been surrounded by it to-day!!
Great to have the right name to put to it!! Sums up lots of comments I have had to-day.....
I am sorry to say I think you need distance from your mum now after comments like that....
She is (sorry to say ) controlling & trying to manipulate you.... You so do not need that.... You are clearly doing a great job & are a great mum....
As the wonderful speaker I visited to-day said... As parents we really do have to mess up sometimes.... We have to change our perspective & language to help explain to those around us the differing angles of how we can help those to understand.... Usually our children but in your case your mum....
I think she could be grieving not being able to control the grandchild she thought she would have?? Hope that doesn't sound unkind.... Perhaps her own childhood prevents her 'getting' the empathy for your l/o ....
Please please don't beat yourself up you so have done nothing wrong..... {{hugs}}
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by gilreth on Nov 12, 2013 19:03:54 GMT
Not good. So far I seem to be lucky but as all three of my parents grandsons are adopted they do have some understanding and my in-laws are being as supportive as they can be. My sister-in-law is a primary school teacher in a deprived area so has a lot of experience with Social services and children in care so she does have some comprehension which helps.
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Post by damson on Nov 12, 2013 20:08:21 GMT
Some people are better than others about getting it.
I know that my own problem with my family is that I'd like some of the kind of understanding and unconditional support we give to our children (!)
In reality, my mother has been very supportive, and very understanding. She shares our disappointment when things don't work out the way we hoped. My siblings find it much harder to understand our children's take on life, but they go on being very generous to the them. Meanwhile asking us why x y and z happen? I stopped really discussing why some time ago, because like most people, they find it very hard to believe that many years of kindly parenting has not ravelled up the damage done by early trauma. As the telly programme said 'Love is not enough'.
Perhaps Citizenship classes should have lessons in tact, discretion and forebearance, as well as how the voting system works and not jaywalking?!
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Post by happyone on Nov 12, 2013 22:12:07 GMT
Second time I am writing the same post "only a good shake via the throat will work at times"
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Post by smileycat on Nov 12, 2013 23:51:52 GMT
How horrible... just not what you need at all.
I feel like making a T-shirt saying 'go ahead comment everyone else has so why hold back... but as your speaking your mind you won't mind me saying your bum looks big in that' ;-)
It's not the ignorance that I mind so much as the fact that most don't want to be educated in the added extras that adopted kids need. If it was only as simple as doing whatever they suggest we'd jump at it.... :-(
Sending you a huge hug.
SC x x
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Post by flutterby on Nov 13, 2013 6:10:31 GMT
So sorry, B11, it is so hard when it is your own mum too. I have one of those too, so can fully sympathize.
From what you have mentioned, could there be something different behind her behaviour though? You mention her own difficult childhood. Maybe you adopting has opened the floodgates for her, let out things she buried and really did not want to face again. She sees how lovingly you treat your LO. Maybe it has reminded her of what she missed out on and her only defence is making you wrong. The bizarre logic of the toddler she may still be inside. - It does not excuse her behaviour, because she is an adult and could have dealt with her childhood issues. That said, this stance seems a fairly recent thing and older people were often brought up to get on with it and grit their teeth.
I suppose what I am saying is that if you find a way for yourself to recognize that what she is doing is because she was damaged as a child, then maybe she will not be able to get to you so much any longer. You can feel sorry for the little girl she still is inside BUT get on with your life and keep her at a distance which is comfortable for you.
Disclaimer: Don't quote me when I am having a bad day and need to vent ;-)
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Post by piglet on Nov 13, 2013 6:47:07 GMT
Poor you. Hopefully a little bit of space can help you regroup. I am coming to terms with some of my families less savoury comments and it isn't easy.
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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 15, 2013 20:03:02 GMT
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I agreed with what you all have said. After a lengthy chat with DH, I think now I will not try to defend/explain why we parent our daughter the way we do. I think the inappropriate comment bingo is a great idea.....maybe we could award extra points for our inappropriate comments back  |
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Post by moo on Nov 16, 2013 7:22:38 GMT
Lovin' inappropriate comment bingo!!!
   
Xx. moo. Xx
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