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Post by piglet on Nov 9, 2013 23:12:31 GMT
So far this evening my family have told me I worry too much, I tell LO off too often and that I'm too sharp with her. I wasn't really in a position to defend myself without saying something I may regret so seem to have spent the rest if the night crying.
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Post by moo on Nov 9, 2013 23:27:13 GMT
{{{{piglet}}}}
Don't believe them! 
You know best.... 
Why do our loved ones always do this to us??? 
Be confident you are keeping her safe & doing just fine.... 
It really will feel better in the morning..... 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by piglet on Nov 9, 2013 23:31:47 GMT
Thanks moo. You are right I will try to sleep it off.
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Post by happyone on Nov 10, 2013 0:10:33 GMT
Horrors all of them big hugs and earplugs coming your way xxxxxxx ignor ignor ignor xxx
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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 10, 2013 8:12:12 GMT
I really do sympathise and understand. I have been told that I am 'possessive' (when we were funelling), that we are 'not strict enough' (when being therapeutic), that 'l make everything about adoption' and I was 'lucky because I missed all the midnight feeds (by my own sister).
Just try to ignore it (as much as you can), stay positive as you know your LO better than they do!!!!
Sending hugs (((((())))))))))))
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Post by moo on Nov 10, 2013 8:18:06 GMT
B11  To your sis...
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 10, 2013 8:18:58 GMT
I know!!!
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Post by piglet on Nov 10, 2013 10:07:27 GMT
It's good to know I'm not alone. Whilst I'm in moaning mode, as I am a single mum my dad thinks it's his job to give LO little pep talks about being good to get more treats and looking after me. He really thinks they help!
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Post by shadow on Nov 10, 2013 10:20:50 GMT
I found people treated shadette as public property as she was adopted - it seemed everyone knew how to parent her best and would undermine me- of course she loved that
early on in placement I took my parents to hear Dan Hughes speak - which helped them understand a lot - but I have been lucky as they realised they were completely out of their depth with shadettes behaviour so have been very supportive - and just glad they didn't have to deal with all the "stuff" that went on
its just another cross we have to bear as adoptive parents
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2013 10:58:09 GMT
Sadly you are not alone in this Piglet.  We adopters have educated ourselves in all things adoption related and you cannot expect ordinary family and friends to understand to the same degree as we do. They are still in the "love conquers all camp" and either don't, or won't, understand where our kids are coming from. They don't want to know the realities and would rather stay in ignorance, giving you advice and saying you are just paranoid, need to let up a bit. or that you are an over anxious mother who reads up too much, just relax and she'll be fine etc etc. I'm adopted myself, as are my 3 siblings, and I learned very early on NOT to confide in my Mum. She just doesn't get modern day adoption at all despite having adopted the 4 of us. We all turned out fine didn't we so stop worrying!! She won't have it that today's children have problems and thinks modern adopters just over analyse everything. She doesn't agree with me telling my DD's about their BP's, or siblings, and is horrified that we stay in touch through LB. Doesn't think I should tell them anything about their background at all, I mean why would they want to know? She only wants to hear positive stories and simply closes her mind/ears to anything that isn't 100% positive. She is now 87, in the early stages of Alzheimers and I haven't even told her my EDD is now in care. She would be absolutely horrified and would blame my parenting, so it's best that she doesn't know. My brother, who sees her daily, says there is no point in telling her as I would only cause myself more distress by her reaction and he knows I can do without that at the moment on top of everything else I am having to deal with. You do what you think is right for your DD Piglet, you are her Mum and you are the one who knows what is best for her, they don't. They don't live with her, you do. Try and not let their comments undermine your parenting and come on here as often as you like, to vent, ask for advice, or run things past people who DO GET IT and will not judge your parenting. Hugs to you XX |
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Post by ham on Nov 10, 2013 13:49:09 GMT
Hugs
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Post by sooz on Nov 10, 2013 16:54:03 GMT
You're not alone piglet. I really try to ignore it but it still gets to me. I do have to say though it's lessened as the years have gone by now it's pretty obvious ds has 'issues'. Was worse when I think everyone thought I was looking for problems. That said, when ds is in top form (which as you know takes loads of effort to help them achieve that) I still get 'ooh do you know I think he's going to be ok' or 'can't be a lot wrong with him, did you see how he figured out that Lego'.
Sigh xx
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Post by piglet on Nov 10, 2013 20:53:26 GMT
I am really touched by everyone's stories and have managed to convince myself now that I'm not a bad person.
I am not a worrier who's strict and sharp. I am a concerned parent who is clear and direct!
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Post by smileycat on Nov 10, 2013 21:59:03 GMT
No Piglet you are not a bad person who over worries and fusses you are an adoptive parent who understands that their adopted child needs a different kind of parenting- you've taken on board all that was thrown at you on the prep course and listened to the adoption guru's who are rather well off for a reason.
BUT those around you don't want to learn- as others have said they only want the 'good parts version'... and doesn't it hurt... it can be v isolating living with AK's issues when others don't see what we do.
I'm still stung from the comments made by Grandparents recently that Potato and Spud are just normal happy children. I was also told I worry too much too.
Thing is we really wish it was true don't we.
Jmk- having read your post I can only shake my head.........!!!!
Sending you huge hugs, hang in there, as you can see you are def not alone.
SC x x
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Post by damson on Nov 10, 2013 22:43:44 GMT
This reminds me of going to a training session for adopters with children rising towards teenage... Every adopter in the room had what I call 'the long neck', like they were meerkats, always listening nervously for the sound of silence where there should be noise, or excessive laughter where there should just be general hubbub. We all have it, and other people think we are fussing and looking for problems. Just suffice it to say that I consider giggling to be a very bad sign  , and will rush off in the middle of conversation to break up gigglers before violence starts. Pay no attention to the people who think you are fussing about nothing, and being pessimistic. It is not them who has to deal with completely exhausted, disregulated children on a total bender. My mother and older sister have a shrewd idea of what we deal with, as they have had a sobering little dose when neither I nor DH is about. In the end, people really want things to work out for you, and that's why they hope your children are 'normal', so it can all turn out rose-tinted and happy. Actually, I'd settle for contented sometimes, and does not stick out in a group of other kids! Ha, ha sometimes a tall order. |
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, and will rush off in the middle of conversation to break up gigglers before violence starts.