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Post by annie70 on Nov 7, 2013 11:23:31 GMT
Hello - just a quickie!
We have just found out that we have to have weekly SW visits after Zippy is placed... does anyone know how long they go on for or whether they become less regular after a few weeks? We are having to move Christmas activities to accommodate them which is a bit annoying!
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Post by donatella on Nov 7, 2013 11:44:23 GMT
They have a duty to visit regularly to ensure that everything is going well. You'll also have LAC reviews until the AO is granted.
None of ours visited weekly - in fact rarely! But you might find that you need more support than you anticipated. What you may also find is that the regular visits may upset lo - I used to make arrangements for much mum to be there so that sws could see my babies were happy bad thriving but that they didn't have to be present for the talking.
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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 7, 2013 11:47:45 GMT
We had weekly visits every week for the first month and these reduced to one every 4/5/6 weeks. We also had a LAC meeting (at our home) with both SW's, HV and the appointed guardian every three months. This all of course stops when the adoption order is granted.
I am not sure how old your LO is, our AD was only just 1 when placed. She did get upset after these meetings, l remember in the first three months of placements she would wake in the night crying. I think she obviously recognised her SW but also picked up on our apprehension/tension. Just wanted to mention this, as something to consider.
Wishing you all the best
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Post by annie70 on Nov 7, 2013 11:51:41 GMT
Thanks Donatella and b11 - very useful info... yes, I think he might get a bit upset although they have suggest we can tag-team the meeting with one of us playing with him and the other chatting in a different room...
Good to know they will tail off to once every few weeks after Christmas... I was beginning to worry our settling-in would be quite disrupted!
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Post by imp on Nov 7, 2013 13:06:27 GMT
There are two reasons that these visits happen. The first is to give you support, and the second is that, technically, your LO is still a LAC, and the LA have the legal obligation to visit the LAC, This is usually weekly for the first month, then decreases to fortnightly/monthly. All of this is flexible---depending on your LA, but must happen.
I understand your reservations, but I believe that the visits only cause upset where the parent/carers is also anxious (that includes FCs) Please try to see them as positive, and the easier they are the sooner you will be able to put in your court papers!
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Post by moo on Nov 7, 2013 13:09:27 GMT
Shame for it to disrupt some Christmas fun events..... Maybe try & build one in straight after.... As others have said the meetings might upset zippy & that way he might associate visits with good stuff from now on!!... 
It is possible for zippy's & your s/w to share visits.... If you find one or other upsets him then maybe the other could step in....
My s/w ( famously referred to by me as my Pet Demon ) wound me up so baa & skweek's wonderful s/w did all the visits.... I think it is another thing that differs s/w to s/w & county to county.... The most important s/w is Zippy's...
Anyhoo Annie if you didn't have this problem there would be no Zippy.... Ummmm so which is the best problem to have then!!!   
Getting excited now.... So many wonderful intros happening..... Annie your turn soon *****
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by annie70 on Nov 7, 2013 13:22:41 GMT
Thanks everyone! I don't see the visits as negative - just that we have already bought tickets for stuff and now we have to move / cancel because of SW diaries... we weren't planning on going away for obvious reasons but weekly visits and SW diary limitations make it hard to plan stuff as the dates are not yet all confirmed... Our SW and Zippy's SW are sharing - neither are local so it makes sense that they take it in turns... I am just pleased to hear that it's not weekly until the AO  |
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Post by donatella on Nov 7, 2013 14:07:15 GMT
Well maybe too many activities too quickly after placement will be too much for him - and you - to cope with anyway? You don't yet know how he's going to react to change, transitions, noise, lots of people - and if he does go off on one in a public place then you're not going to know him well enough to be sure how best to handle it. I think probably low key and keeping close may be better.
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Post by annie70 on Nov 7, 2013 14:14:31 GMT
True - we were looking at doing one major activity / trip / show per week - as it's Christmas we didn't want him to miss out on associated build-up and fun... the rest of the time we will both be at home with him and perhaps 'bump into' family / friends for half an hour in the park occasionally...
We are very fortunate that DH can take full adoption leave as I am self-employed so he is off until mid January when we hope Zippy will start at school...
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Post by daisy1985 on Nov 7, 2013 15:21:08 GMT
Hi Annie
In our LA they have a statutory obligation to visit once a week for 4 weeks! However id keep your plans! The boys the sw told us that they needed to come and as long as our plans didn't make it impossible for her to come she expected we would have things planned to get into a routine!
For example we go to Jo-jingles every Monday, and we also go swimming every Friday I told her these days weren't ideal!
Our last one should have been on Tuesday but sw didn't turn up which peeved me a little as it was bonfire night and as she had booked in before we made plans! We have LAC review next week and then the visits drop to once every three-four weeks! These visits all being by child's sw! Our sw has visited once since placement as well to see how we are coping!
Good luck Annie it will soon be you! Xx
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Post by serrakunda on Nov 7, 2013 17:23:49 GMT
Not sure I entirely agree with Imp. I wasnt anxious about the SW visits, particularly from mine as we we get on very well and had a good old gab. Simba was just about OK with her visits. His SW was a different matter - he was extremely anxious, worried that she was coming to take him away. He was 7 at placement so was more aware of what was going on, maybe its different with younger children. As Annies LO is 6 the SW will probably also want to talk to them as well
After some visits I had days of really challenging behaviour so you might want think about that possibility before you book too much stuff. I agree with Donatella about the Christmas activities though. A big trip/activity a week sounds like a lot for any child to me. And I know its Christmas but you dont want LO thinking that life with new mummy and daddy is all about exciting stuff anyway and you will need to try and establish some routines around bedtimes, mealtimes, bathtime etc which is hard to do if you are off out and about too much
Simba loves Christmas and doing 'stuff' but we are are going to the switch on of the lights and to see Santa before Christmas, and the panto after Christmas, thats more than enough for him
I know its exciting and you have probably dreamed for years about what Christmas with your child will be like but maybe take a step back and make sure that your fantasy Christmas is best for LO this year, There are lots more Christmases to enjoy
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Post by daffin on Nov 7, 2013 19:39:55 GMT
Our LO reacted very badly to SW visits. He would be very social and entertaining and they found that very charming but we could see that he was as stressed as hell. For a few nights afterwards he would have terrible nightmares. He still reacts badly. We try to make sure SWs only visit when he's at nursery. I don't think his reaction is to do with picking up tension from us - by this point we're pretty bored by SWs, to be honest! - I think it's more to do with his associations.
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Post by kstar on Nov 7, 2013 19:51:39 GMT
Starlet is generally very settled, but the mere mention of a social worker visit sends her into a downward spiral which can affect us for days. She is much better with my SW than hers, so mine tends to do most of the visits. To be fair, I was told weekly visits for a month, followed by every three weeks until AO - approaching six months in, we have had five visits in total!!! One of those was just with me to avoid upsetting a Starlet any more. I hate them too and don't find them remotely useful!
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Post by barge on Nov 7, 2013 19:55:02 GMT
Daisy, you made me chuckle when you said avoid Fridays as its swimming. I forgot a sw visit once and were just off swimming as she arrived. I told her I can't disappoint the children now - why don't you come and watch! Best sw visit ever. She saw me interacting with kids and I didn't have to juggle chatting with sw and keeping my darlings occupied!!  |
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Post by nomoretears on Nov 7, 2013 21:35:05 GMT
I agree with everyone that some children do find visits from SWs (any professionals, tbh) difficult, and can understand why you are reluctant for them to happen. I think it's important to bear in mind that not every adoption succeeds though and hopefully these early visits would be able to pick up warning signs. please also bear in mind though that I'm speaking as a foster carer who's just found out a previous placement isn't 'doing so well' (to put it mildly) in his new home and its taken me raising concerns to bring this to the attention of his SW, so I could very well be biased!  |
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Post by smileycat on Nov 7, 2013 21:41:32 GMT
Oh barge that's a fantastic story!!
Annie I love your user name and pic, it's taken me tight back...
Re Sw visits I got very cut and dry about when would suit us very quickly. I found that both of mine really reacted very badly to the sw's they remembered from their FC's and felt it best to have DH with us wherever possible so that I could fill her in on stuff and DH could entertain to lessen it for them. They know when they are being talked about...
Our sw's got very different reactions and those visits were generally good ones.
As others have said LAC reviews and LO's do not mix. You don't have to have your LO surrounded by adults talking about them. I would email the LAC officer and sw's and say DH will be doing the LAC because DD/DS will be upset by it. The sw visited on X day and can report that LO is doing well. I would then email across a detailed update which they loved. No probs at all that way.
So in short don't re-arrange stuff because the sw wants to visit- if she can't visit at a time that suits you she will be sure to say- so I think that's got to be a 2 way thing!! I've also emailed to say sorry the apt we made to meet now clashes with something I think DD/Ds would really benefit from might it be poss to re-arrange... if not then fine or could the visit tomorrow be a shorter one because we've been invited to X...
I never had a problem with any sw for that at all.
Hope that helps and very best of luck!!!!
SC x
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Post by janpan on Nov 8, 2013 1:24:43 GMT
I agree that SW are bad news in terms of stability for the kids but I tell you, I wish our kids social workers had been there. We had loads of fallout after placement and we were in bits and there was absolutely no support from the placing authorities social worker. Ours was brilliant thank goodness.
Our intros started on 14th Nov and they came home on 21st so it was a mad Christmas. Looking back, they had absolutely no idea what was going on - and we tried to keep it calm (or so we thought with that limited level of experience). Looking at photos now, and thinking back, they were absolutely bemused, lost and bewildered by it all! So I agree completely with keeping everything as low key as possible - because you will end up being strung out too. And you don't want to be too disappointed by their reactions to things. Both my DH and I were pretty unstable and became very run down around that time. It was all still fantastic though - very exciting.
I think that the SWs have a legal obligation to see the children at a minimum of every 6 weeks. It is stressful and disruptive, but a good social worker will handle it well and recognise this. So they will gradually back off and let you have it your way.
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Post by annie70 on Nov 8, 2013 18:18:34 GMT
Thanks everyone so much for your advice and support - I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with it all at the moment and am struggling to know what to do for the best...
My brain is like a sieve and one minute I am crying with happiness and the next I am paralysed by fear! (mainly paralysed this week!!!)
I guess we will have to play it by ear as far as activities are concerned - but I don't think keeping him mainly in the house for 7 weeks will be healthy for any of us! It's hard as his SW is new and so the person who knows him best is his FC and she thinks we should get out and about and is telling him we will do lots of things together so I don't want him to be disappointed but at the same time I don't think he has registered the enormity of what having new parents will mean...
We are fine with the SW visits - and think we will get great support - we like both SWs so hopefully things will run smoothly...
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soon2be3
Bronze Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 72 
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Post by soon2be3 on Nov 8, 2013 19:37:59 GMT
Hi I adopted AS when he was 7.5 years old. He was used to being very busy. It is a hard balance between keeping everything "boring" and establishing a routine and managing a little boys energy and need to get out. I couldn't have stayed in everyday and nor could he. We went out for walks everyday to the same places such as the park or to feed the ducks. We had our own routine so he knew was was going on everyday. It was all very predictable as that was what we all needed after so much change.I also did a visual timetable and used lots of pictures to help structure the day and the week. We very slowly introduced him to family and I would put a photo of the person he was going to meet on the timetable. SW visits caused high levels of anxiety as in his life, SW visits meant he was going to have not her change if home and carer. I found that by having an activity planned and on the timetable or straight after her visit helped him to know he was staying. I would also be prepared for lots of regression and try to think much younger than 6 years old. Of course every child is different and you will just have to go with what works or you and your son |
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Post by annie70 on Nov 8, 2013 20:19:47 GMT
our son Thanks soon2be - I think a visual timetable will be really useful actually - especially if it shows something after the SW visit And we do plan to go to the local park, supermarket and feed the ducks most days as they are a 10 minute round trip on foot (plus time on the zip wire!) and will get us out of the house! Ax |
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Post by kstar on Nov 8, 2013 21:25:12 GMT
Haha I didn't even realize I was doing the same soon2b3 - until I told Starlet this week that my SW was visiting one day after school. After the usual moans and groans she immediately said ooooh what are we doing afterwards, we always do something nice...
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Post by serrakunda on Nov 8, 2013 22:26:48 GMT
I dont think anyone is suggesting you dont go anywhere for 7 weeks. You would go bonkers !
We spent our first few weeks doing things like finding the shops, swimming pool, joining the library, finding the park etc, getting his bedroom sorted out.
What people are advising caution about is too many 'big' activities which might be overwhelming for him on top of all the change . You will do lots of things with him but it doesnt have to all be in the first few weeks. If you are out and about this time of year there is plenty of Christmas stuff around so he doesnt need to miss out on the atmosphere. Simba loves doing things like counting christmas light in windows. You could also look out for some lower key christmas activities within your local community. Our local church has a Christmas tree festival, Chrismas fair, special story times at the library, the local shops have some late night shopping and the children bring a decoration they've made which gets hung in the shop windows, crib service on Chrismas eve. Its Christmassey and exciting, but not as overwhelming as a series of big trips out.
I made quite a big thing about decorating the christmas tree - we went out and bought a completely new set of decorations, which Simba chose, and had the best part of a day, getting the tree in from the garden, Christmas music, hats, mince pies, fussing over the tree and where to put things. So if you think about it theres lots you can do which will keep him busy, without overwhelming him.
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Post by annie70 on Nov 8, 2013 23:56:37 GMT
Thanks Serrakunda - buying the tree and getting a new set of decorations will be one of our 'activities' - really looking forward to that one!
I guess when I talk about activities that is the sort of thing that I mean - plus a couple of tickets to shows and and Christmas party with friends at their house... we will also need to go shopping for new school shoes and a winter coat which apparently he will grow out of fast - nothing too overwhelming and all very local / or a train journey away but back in time for tea and bedtime routine...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2013 0:21:17 GMT
Annie I think what people are saying is that often when we have wanted children for so long we build up a picture in our minds of how perfect our first Christmas will be when we have children and if we are not careful we may find ourselves feeling a little disappointed if our children don't react the way we anticipated, if they are not as excited as we expect them to be.
I think this is one of the reasons SW don't really like placing children too close to Christmas, because the move alone is a huge ordeal for LO's and they are naturally very confused and can be overwhelmed by all the new things they have to face in a very short time. Adults may feel a little disappointed if the child doesn't seem all that bothered by the presents bought, or the trips planned. I think if you lower your expectations and don't expect this Christmas to be the best one ever, then anything after that is a bonus. If he is the type to get really excited then it's a bonus, and if not don't take it to heart, he's just not ready for it and next year will be more fun when he's settled.
My DD's were placed in the summer and I remember friends and family being very excited and giving them beautiful presents and DD's just leaving the presents here on the floor and wandering off to find something familiar to play with. They were only 1 & 2, so family and friends weren't expecting much in the way of thank yous or excitement, but with Zippy being 6, you might be expecting him to be excited and he may well not be as there will be a lot going on in his head even if he doesn't verbalise it at at the time. Low key homely stuff with short frequent trips out and about should do it.
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Post by gilreth on Nov 10, 2013 0:21:05 GMT
In our LA our SW and Child's SW share visits. Weekly till first LAC review (this coming Thursday) then fortnightly for a while before dropping to monthly after second LAC review. In our case Sqk's SW did first 2 visits and ours did last one & next one as Sqk's is on leave. We are avoiding doing a lot of big activities - soft play & parks depending on weather. DH & I today discussed getting Sqk to chose new tree decoration each year & making sure we decorate as a family.
I am lucky in that my sister in on adoption leave (with their second), lives locally and is giving us good advice as well as taking me places. Thanks to my mild autistic tendencies I struggle in unknown social environments so she is making sure I get around. Luckily I get on well with all SWs we see and my issues were in report so they also help where they can.
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Post by annie70 on Nov 12, 2013 11:02:49 GMT
Glad to hear its going so well Gilreth... and what an amazing plus to have your SIL on adoption leave at the same time! Thanks for the advice around Christmas JMK - it's funny actually, we have never had an idea of the perfect / first Christmas as a family - partly because adoption was our first choice and so the timescale was largely our choosing and we don't feel like we have spent any Christmases 'missing' a child ... and partly because we were open to a wide age range so had no idea what our family would be like!!! As it happens, Zippy is at the very top of our age range and so there's no escaping Christmas - I would rather he was coming in February or May to be honest - much less hassle explaining to multiple grandparents and great-grandparents about not getting presents as he will be confused as to who they are from!!! I do really love the idea of choosing decorations together every year - whenever the child is placed - we plan to do that this year and spend a whole day getting tree and decorations sorted together... Toko I love the idea of photos of cardboard models - it doesn't matter how well you look after them - they are not made to last!!! We will continue with memory boxes when Zippy moves in so these would be nice things to put in there |
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Post by nomoretears on Nov 12, 2013 19:49:34 GMT
As it happens, Zippy is at the very top of our age range and so there's no escaping Christmas - I would rather he was coming in February or May to be honest - much less hassle explaining to multiple grandparents and great-grandparents about not getting presents as he will be confused as to who they are from!!! I always tell my children that all their presents are from Father Christmas, that way there's no confusion over what came from who (I secretly keep the tags for thank you cards later) |
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Post by annie70 on Nov 12, 2013 20:20:57 GMT
Great idea nomoretears - we have written a letter to that effect and it is working - people are sending stuff to 'just put in bedroom' or are checking with us about whether we want their gifts to be from us... my parents are a different matter but everyone else seems to be behaving Ax |
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Post by smileycat on Nov 13, 2013 0:08:16 GMT
Ah so much to think about... hope it all goes well!!!!!!! :-)
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