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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 5, 2013 19:33:42 GMT
Well, I decided earlier today to do some BM snooping. She is not on Facebook (being young she probably is but uses an alternative name nor is she friends with her family)but some of her relatives are. Anyway, after snooping I found that BM's mother has posted.....has posted images of BM's new 'child' alongside BM with phrases 'look how x loves her'  . We knew that BM had a new baby. I feel confused, because l felt angry on behalf of my daughter. It is obvious that this child is in the care of BM and l feel angry that my daughter was ill treated (this child possibly maybe but who knows for sure). I am confused, as if this didn't occur she would not be with her forever family. I suppose I am upset that l think my daughter is the best and she hasn't always been treated like this. Time to stop snooping I think! Thankyou for listening to me, I hope I have articulated what l mean. |
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Post by mr.vml3m on Nov 5, 2013 21:13:22 GMT
We're in a similar situation. Our girls where removed after neglect, and the 3 other siblings. All bar one now adopted.
We found out last month that BM has moved to a different county, who didn't know the full story, has had another baby and been allowed to keep it under strict supervision order. How do I explain that to my girls?
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Post by serrakunda on Nov 5, 2013 23:50:09 GMT
I think that sometimes you just have to accept that birth families can change. Simba was mainly in the care of BM until he was 4, though dad was around, neither of them in a good place. In our case, dad has dramaticaly turned his life around and is bringing up little bro ( full sibling) very successfully. But he could not cope with a new borh and a child with additional needs. Simba is now 9 and is starting to question why he was 'given' away - was he naughty/bad etc etc. I just have to try and explain in terms that he can understand that mum and dad were very young, didnt have anywhere to live, no jobs or money (leaving out the drugs/alcohol and domestice violence for now) and couldnt take care of him properly. As he gets older his understanding will develop. We also have direct contact with dad and little bro, dad will have to accept some responsibility for explaining to him in the future
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Post by moo on Nov 6, 2013 7:08:40 GMT
Awwww guys this is so tuff for your l/o.....
I find explanation similar to this very tricky..... Mainly coz sometimes my two's understanding often fragments & they don't completely 'get it'....
Mine have a half sib.... For a while things were ticketyboo & he was with b.m.... After a couple of years old patterns emerged & now he is going to a b/f member.... This has now helped them with their understanding.... B/ m couldn't keep you safe, couldn't buy you enough food & she sadly can't for half sib.... So he now will be having a new forever mummy.... Just like you.....
I can't tell if it's coz they are a bit older & the story is begining to stick or weather it's the similarity to their own story that makes it so....
Hope you get a breakthrough soon.... b11 it's just like eavesdropping isn't it best not to coz you will only hear something you wish you hadn't....
Horrid for you coz you just can't take it back.....
Xx. moo. Xx.
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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 6, 2013 8:26:39 GMT
Thank you for the supportive replies. It is great to post something where people just get it.
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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 6, 2013 8:29:54 GMT
Mrs tumble, you have articulated yourself wonderfully....I feel the same angry/sad but also grateful for our LO. Planet adoption certainly is an interesting place to be!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2013 9:31:48 GMT
It is hard B11 and is natural for you to feel hurt on behalf of Poppet, but remember BM may have baby now for the moment, but that may change over time if she can't prove she has changed her ways. Sometimes BP's do learn from having a child removed, change their ways, and get to keep subsequent children, but it is quite rare sadly and the vast majority go on to have more children removed. Some never learn.  I'd avoid checking too much as it will only upset you even more if she does manage to keep LO, but I do understand why you would keep checking just to see, it's only normal to be concerned. Would you be in a position to adopt LO if she was available? Hugs to you jmk xx |
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Post by shadow on Nov 6, 2013 10:04:27 GMT
shadette BM has managed now to keep 2 children, isin a steady relationship and seems to have turned her life around reasonably well
shadette is in contact with BM and it causes her a lot of angst at times to see the photos of the masses of presents BM gets for the boys - and she cant get her head around BMs total denial that shadette and her other brothers were removed for any good reason and that BM can parents these boys well
interestingly while BMs life improves - she has a nice house, partner has a job, boys go to school, no SS involvement etc, my life has gone downhill, unemployed, living on benefits, been to hearing about shadettes school refusal, lots of SS supervision, house a mess and needing repairs (due to shadettes chaos) etc............
I feel I have somehow taken BMs chaos and dusfunction over
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Post by oysterbabe on Nov 6, 2013 12:49:38 GMT
While my boys were in FC birth mum turned up with a new partner at contact and had a baby pretty much straight away. In subsequent years she has gone on to have more children, still at home with her and this same chap who I think she heavily relies on.
I've had to explain to Whelk when he was younger that she was able to look after one baby at a time with a nice daddy but inside I was and am still fuming that when she was given one last chance at a unit out of county she was already flipping pregnant again! The placement broke down, the boys went back into FC and she went on to have her adored daughter that she kept.
SS never told us about the subsequent kids it just more names were added in the boys birthday cards each year and whelk would ask who's that mummy? Yeah great system, thanks! One day this will come to a head for him and its not many years off happening.
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arethstar
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Post by arethstar on Nov 6, 2013 19:44:24 GMT
One of the hardest things for my foster brother was knowing his BM had gone on to re-marry and have two girls that stayed with her. Even when he was old enough to understand the difference in circumstances, it still cut to the core.
For Starling, the hardest thing is not getting to see her big brother. An adoptive placement couldn't be found for that much older a child. He's in a good long term foster placement now, but direct contact is not available right now as he has direct contact with BPs. *Really* hard for her to understand that.(The mercy though is that a sibling assessment was done by the LA and they made the decision they could not be placed together due to the high needs of both) There's younger half sibs now too. All removed and either adopted or in the process.
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Post by justbserene11 on Nov 7, 2013 7:42:57 GMT
Thank you all again. Lots of food for thought.....sometimes ignorance is bliss.
JMK- I agree with what you have said. BM is young so we always knew she would have more children and we really shouldn't have been shocked at the timing of the pregnancy. Like many BP's there has been an ongoing involvement with SS through the generations, so the risk of this continuing is high.
Shadow- I have read many of your posts and the commitment and love you have for shadette is an inspiration. Her BM may not have SS involvement etc, but her actions have caused shadette's MH issues etc. Like many have said she will have to explain to Shadette, why she wasn't able to care for her but care etc her other children!
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. We knew that BM had a new baby. I feel confused, because l felt angry on behalf of my daughter. It is obvious that this child is in the care of BM and l feel angry that my daughter was ill treated (this child possibly maybe but who knows for sure). I am confused, as if this didn't occur she would not be with her forever family. I suppose I am upset that l think my daughter is the best and she hasn't always been treated like this. Time to stop snooping I think! 
