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Post by barge on Nov 4, 2013 20:41:42 GMT
Today before school I witnessed Yacht playing with 3 "friends". One appeared to be playing the part of a teacher, holding a long branch and quizzing Yacht(mainly) but also the other two on Maths questions, many of which were beyond Yacht's capabilities. When she continued to get the answers wrong, her forfeit was to be hit with the branch.
Anyone looking in, may think that they were all having a good time and that Yacht was enjoying herself. However I saw this “game” as a form of bullying. The girls clearly thought it highly amusing when Yacht got the answers wrong and were laughing at her rather than with her. Yacht for her part was trying desperately to fit in and laughing along with them.
After school, I asked her, what had been going on and she said they had been playing “hard maths”. I asked her why she had been playing this game and she said she had wanted the girls to be her friends. When I said I saw her laughing on the outside, but wondered if she was actually sad on the inside. Had I got that right? She said that I had.
I've told the teacher and she will speak to the girls, but my fear is they will escalate the bullying now they have been found out! How do I prepare Yacht who so desperately wants them to like her?
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Post by kstar on Nov 4, 2013 23:02:29 GMT
Oh my goodness how tough. But not unusual :-( girls can be so cruel in their "play" and I would like this at it gets better, but it doesn't.
How emotionally and socially intelligent is Yacht?
When this happens with our year 7s, I have an exercise that I give to parents about friendship. We do something similar in lessons too. It basically looks at what is a good friend - we give them strips of paper with sentences on and they have to out them under the headings "always", "sometimes" or "never". We then get them to organise the sentences in terms of how often a real friend would do those things. It includes things like:
Include you in their conversations and plans Leave you out of important events like birthdays Give you a hug when you feel sad
Etc
It gives us as teachers (or parents when they do it) to discuss how even the best friends will sometimes do things that might seem upsetting (leave you out of their plans) but that there might be a reason (mum has said she can only invite two friends because it's expensive) etc, then comparing it to things no real friend would ever do (deliberately continue to do something they know upsets you, talk about you behind your back etc). We then follow up by drawing an outline of a person and filling it with all the things we think we need from a real friend.
Would Yacht cope with something like this? On a simpler level and without necessarily needing to read? To open up discussion in an "abstract" way, then lead in to let's talk about some of your friends and if they're real friends or not?
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Post by flutterby on Nov 5, 2013 6:32:10 GMT
This is such a difficult one, which happens up and down the country all the time. Kstar has some really good ideas to help awareness. Trouble is, even if children have the awareness, it does not mean that the bully/ies will stop doing her/their stuff. I had exactly the same with my birth daughter, she was bullied to the extreme in primary school. It was a small school and they tried all sorts of tactics, like separating them as much as possible, Rainbow classes, etc. To be honest nothing ever worked, because the girl who was doing this was incredibly manipulative, sweet-looking and able to cry real tears whenever it suited her. Now that I have adopted and have a better insight into children's life I can tell that she was a case that should have been taken up by social services.
She managed to convince my daughter that she was omni-potent, my daughter was not allowed to play with anyone else and this girl would just be nice enough on occasions to make my daughter believe that if she was even more accommodating the girl would change. Basically, this girl made her believe that all that was happening to her was her own fault and that she deserved it. The typical battered wife scenario.
And despite my best effort nothing ever seemed to really change. We tried to get her together with other, nicer girls who were not intimidating and she formed one significant friendship this way. Still, the bullying continued.
In the end we confronted the parents, who wanted nothing to do with it "as it happened in school". They all then went on to a very large secondary (240 in a year) and my daughter only ever saw this girl by sight, never spoke to her again. But the daily reminder still left its mark on her and when a free school opened in the area this year I jumped at the chance to move her. Best thing we ever did. She has finally become giggly and happy again, although, still very jumpy and very afraid of making mistakes. She has now been referred to CAHMS as well, but if they are no good, I am quite prepared to go private. I know a good therapist and if it means no holidays for a year or two to pay for the fees I really do not mind.
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Post by moo on Nov 5, 2013 8:31:08 GMT
WoW flutterby.... A really tuff tale..... So pleased for you & dd that things have improved with dd at her new free school...
Kstar love your solution.....
Poor dd yacht.... Bullying is such a dire thing.... Teachers are almost oblivious ( even tho they make the right noises ) coz they are invariably at lunch & it is playground supervisors that monitor this....
Sorry I don't have any amazing strategys for you to help..... I just wanted to offer you support xxxx
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by flutterby on Nov 5, 2013 9:13:02 GMT
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack this post. I suppose I was trying to point out that bullying this such a horrible common thing. Regardless of your background, even a birth child who has had all the love in the world can fall victim. - And then end up with massive self-worth issues, which in my opinion is, why bullying then continues. The victim becomes so conditioned to thinking it is their fault and they deserve what is happening to them. - How much more difficult a situation to find yourself in if you are adopted.
What really needs to be done is massive work on self-worth. If you like yourself enough and think you are good enough you will simply not feel the need to stick around people who erode your self-esteem. I and we as a family did as much as we could, but it is not enough. We do need professional help to deal with this. So maybe it is time to contact post adoption support, Barge and ask them for help. I would not leave this in the hope that it might resolve itself. I still feel bad because I felt for too long that we should be able to deal with this ourselves and now berate myself because I feel like I have failed my daughter.
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Post by barge on Nov 5, 2013 22:36:48 GMT
Thanks for your replies. I would say Yacht is 4-5 emotionally (on a good day) and finds it really hard in Y5 where the pupils now get the opportunity to choose their own working partners sometimes. Teacher is relying far too much on these bullies innocent explanations in my opinion. I'm really sad and cross because she clearly hasn't got a clue and is not prepared to listen. I know I must work up the energy to pursue this, but its like banging my head against a brick wall!
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Post by gilreth on Nov 5, 2013 22:46:02 GMT
Bullying is a subject that is somewhat personal for me - I suffered from emotional bullying at school for a number of years - in the days before such a thing was recognised. To this day I still struggle in some environments - and I come from a loving stable background. Ok some of my issues come from my autistic tendencies which have always been there and also my emotional immaturity (today most of my friends are younger than me - and that includes DH who is 5 years younger than me) but I had big issues with wanting people to be my friend so taking a lot I shouldn't have done looking back. Problem is we want to fit in and when you don't you tend to be a target. It took the adoption process to force me to finally confront everything and seek counselling - and this is coming on 30 years after it started. But yes all schools should have policies in place and a good school should take concerns seriously. There are some good ideas in this thread which I only wish had been around for me.
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Post by ham on Nov 6, 2013 1:25:02 GMT
my friends son was being bullied( not adopted)and in desperation when the school did zilch went to the local police station to ask for their advice.they went to the school and spoke to the bullies and the parents . school were not impressed but as my friend said she never asked the police to go. they were concerned a crime was being committed and needed to act.the parents gave her a cold shoulder but she could cope with that and the kids did not touch her son again.
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