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Post by daffin on Oct 29, 2013 23:31:59 GMT
Hi again. I've just posted but realise that there's a specific behaviour issue I'd like some help with. My DS (nearly 4) has run away from me several times recently when I've taken him out. The most recent time was at the end of a performance at the local theatre. He wove through the crowds and wandered out the door. I had to chase after him (worrying about the busy car park outside). I caught up with him and it was all fine - just stressful. Last time he did this he was missing for 10-15 minutes and I'd just reported him lost to security when he wandered back, looking pleased with himself. Have others had this experience? If so, what do you do/sat?
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Post by moo on Oct 30, 2013 8:23:31 GMT
Wow how scarey for you....
Umm is this his idea of a game do you think??
does it happen in a soft play area or park???
He clearly knows you are looking for him you say he is grinning......
He doesn't seem distressed he can't find you.... Have I got it right??
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by abiee on Oct 30, 2013 9:24:14 GMT
My DD runs away when she is stressed. She doesnt disappear though, she laughs at me and dances around in front of cars She is 7 and this behaviour has been there on and off for years I see you have got a new addition so all the behaviours probably stem from that. We wanted to adopt again but reconsidered when DD had an extreme reaction to us getting a puppy! She just cant cope with sharing me It has improved though but took time With the running away, I told her that I understood why she does it but that it is not safe so would have to hold hands or wear reins if she cant stay safe With the age of your LO I would be tempted to use reins for a while The grinning, like my DD laughing, is one of my buttons and drives me crazy, its not really laughing though and does stem from anxiety/stress even if they dont show it Make lots of special time for him and ride it out Good luck
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Post by nomoretears on Oct 30, 2013 10:13:01 GMT
I'm struggling with this issue at the moment too. I'm fostering a 4 year old girl who runs off every time we leave the house. She has no road sense at all and I live on a main road so it's particularly scary. Supermarkets are a nightmare, so much so that I now make her sit in the trolley even though she hates it. I've tried explaining how worried and scared it makes me - she laughs in my face. I've tried reins (well one of those little life bags) and she just dangles from it refusing to walk.
There were no boundaries at home - the children were literally sent out to play in the morning and left to come home when they were hungry - so I know this is her way of reacting to me imposing boundaries now but it's soooo frustrating!!
Sorry I have no practical tips Daffin, hopefully someone will advise us both!
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Post by ham on Oct 30, 2013 11:53:17 GMT
at that age my dd loved to do this as she discovered that when 'found' she would invariable be given sweets by the 'finder.she got so good at it she would run a short distance and just say she was lost with me observing her.She loved the drama and attention . being mean I always removed the reward and tried not to fed her need for drama by saying mummy is so pleased you are safe. any other explanation at that time were too much.
as she got older from about 7 onwards and she really did run away and police were involved.They were really good at talking to her and always took on board her problems.this seemed more of a case that she needed to know I would always look for her and find her. then my explanation was it is a mummy job to keep you safe and I will always look for you because I love you.
try not to put blame on the child say it is the behaviour that you do not like.try a social story using picture and plenty of repetition of expected behaviour. as you leave the house at the end of the theatre we will hold hands to walk to the car, remind again at the interval and then again at the end. to give ab element of control to ds you could say do you want to hold right or left hand. it is hard work and so scary and if you don't find him in a couple of minutes speak to police , security etc they have always been brilliant. I has shopping centers and holiday camps locked down because dd has disappeared.
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Post by ham on Oct 30, 2013 11:58:05 GMT
sounds like I was a really terrible mum constantly losing dd :Pbut she was so quick and desperate to run away. she did not do reins and I was never sure if that was retrumatising her. with hindsight maybe she should have trained to be an escapologist :Dbut she has survived to 19 and not runaway for the last 2 years. fingers crossed that will last.
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Post by barge on Oct 30, 2013 17:14:44 GMT
I have used the marker game fairly succesfully in "safe" surroundings like parks or footpaths, allowing them to run off to a landmark closeby, lamppost, tree, red car etc. This has given them controlled freedom. When in the city or at the fair, theatre I always insist on hand holding, and I think because they know they have freedom in other situations they reluctantly obey. We have varying hand holding depending on their compliance, from pinkie finger hold, to grasping their wrist if they try to free themselves from a hand hold. All with reassuring words that it is my job to keep them safe.
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Post by daffin on Oct 30, 2013 20:59:46 GMT
Thanks for your replies.
I think the running away is part of the attention seeking behaviour I talk about in the other thread I started. I feel he is wanting to reinforce that I need to give him attention and really really focus on him. I could be wrong though. He does it without a backward glance. It doesn't feel like a game.
I like the idea of the 'marker game'. I'll give it a try. If it doesn't work
I like the idea of talking through expected behaviour. We both do this about other desired behaviours. I'll try it with this, too. (I was nervous about drawing attention to the running away syndrome, but realise I'm putting off going out alone with him, which is hopeless, really. Don't go to the shops anymore etc....(internet shopping is where it's at these days!)
Maybe I'll buy a wrist rein and hopefully would only have to use it once. The thing is, he lies on the pavement if he doesn't want to hold my hand....
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Post by phoebe on Oct 30, 2013 21:48:11 GMT
I wonder if, linked with your new baby, it would be helpful to offer going back to a buggy as an option if DS does not stay holding your hand? He might need it but not be able to tell you? Or you could use a buggy board with him, as he'd be between your arms whilst you're holding the buggy it might be harder for him to make a break? When my DS was little but too big for a buggy, I bought a large coach built pram for walking (second hand it was very reasonable). He loved that when he was on the toddler seat he was high up, so could see, he didn't get tired and he was in between me and DD! I did insist he wore a wrist strap, and if he removed it we sat it out. It took a while but it did get better. I had to do it, cos he rolled into the road and jumped in front of cars without one! One other thought - he might like a mini buggy copying the one you have for baby? Perhaps you could let him choose the doll and the pram, so that he can push it alongside you when you take baby out? He might want to be his responsible self then? Just a thought. Good luck and keep going - you're doing an amazing job. x
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Post by littlemisscheerful on Oct 31, 2013 10:35:14 GMT
I used a wrist rein when my ED was about 5 (she had run across a road instead of stopping where she was supposed to). Only had to do it the once, but this wasn't an ingrained behaviour of hers like it is for some kids. With regards to lying on the floor in protest of holding your hand, I would practice by going out for things just for him (i'm thinking popping to the shop for a comic) , and if he doesn't do as you ask, pick him up and go home. That sounds a bit harsh, but I think you can do this nicely by saying something like 'I'm really sorry that this is too hard for you today, we can try another day, no worries, let's go home and do x'.
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Post by abiee on Oct 31, 2013 13:50:55 GMT
I use the marker game too - like Barge I also play a colours game where I shout out different colours, if I shout red she has to stop and if I shout Green she can go, amber means slow down. I shout lots of other colours in between to encourage her to pay attention. She loves the game (more than me!)
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Post by nomoretears on Oct 31, 2013 14:04:33 GMT
I've tried the marker game and the colours game (we call it traffic lights) as they've worked well with other children I've cared for but this little one just doesn't listen! She'd run and run and run, and boy is she fast!
I've promised her a comic today though so think we'll give the walking to the shop with that as an incentive a go now. Fingers crossed!
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Post by daffin on Oct 31, 2013 19:32:40 GMT
Thanks for your great ideas. I'll try the colours game/ traffic lights game, too. Thinking back, my brother used to play this with his kids when they were little - and they were perfectly behaved outside. Added together (first one, then another) the practical strategies you all suggest are bound to make a difference. I'll try some low stress trips next week, which can be abandoned easily.
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Post by monkey on Oct 31, 2013 21:19:17 GMT
Our LO is 5 and is also prone to running. I use the phrase "it's mummy's job to keep you safe", like others have said, all the time. If she refuses to hold my hand then we wait until she's ready to be safe (which means holding my hand) If we're going to an area that's going to be busy she has a rucksack with a strap on the back and I hold onto the strap. I hope things improve soon. MMx
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Post by nomoretears on Oct 31, 2013 21:24:24 GMT
Well well well! The trip to the shop today was a huge success. Walked by my side all the way there, and even played the markers game on the way back. It's only one trip I know but even that has made me feel better. Tomorrow we're going to go for a longer walk hunting for "treasure" (different coloured leaves!) so let's see how that goes. Hopefully a bit of positive thinking from today will carry over.
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