|
|
Post by daffin on Oct 29, 2013 22:58:31 GMT
Hello all. DS is being particularly challenging at the moment. I'd like to know from experienced adopters whether you have any courses on behaviour management they can recommend. Or whether you have good experiences of the Post adoption Centre or elsewhere (we are based in the SE). A bit of background. DS was placed with us at 23 months 2 years ago. He has a background of neglect and possible physical abused, plus witnessed violence. He was removed at 11 months and spent a year with a kind Foster family. He had a huge struggle with me when he first moved in (crying when I entered the room, flinching when I moved my hands close to his head, running and hiding in response to loud noises, plus hitting, scratching, hair pulling, kicking to avoid my involvement in his personal care). The flinching etc disappeared fast but it took 18 months for the hitting etc to lessen. Gradually he started wanting to sit on my lap and I slowly became his favourite playmate. The hitting became a half hearted sign of non compliance and reduced to about once a day. He has stayed very independent and bossy. He has stayed very challenging, though. His behaviour goes 'off the scale' if he is anxious. Previous triggers have been my DH going away for a 4 night business trip (daddy gone away cos daddy not love Monkey Biy any more). We had DSs baby sister placed with us 2 months ago. We were prepared for a deterioration in behaviour and in many ways have been delighted by DSs behaviour. He is kind and gentle with the baby and is clearly proud of her. He just doesn't want to share my attention. Fair enough. The thing is that I find I'm not coping with his behaviour very well. (Just a taster from today - the baby was sick all over me and her this morning. While I was upstairs changing us both he got his step, took it to the gas cooker, and was trying to turn it on. He has depressed the button and the pilot light was busy clicking away. It freaked me out. Step 2. He found bird seed in a cupboard in the porch and spilled it on the floor. When I asked him to leave it so we could sweep it up, he picked it up and chucked it. Step 3. He followed me upstairs when I went up to change the baby a second time, climbed onto my bed and started throwing clothes around). Most of his naughtiness is petty stuff, it's just very fast and furious - boom, boom. From one thing to another, and I feel I'm spending a lot of energy trying to contain him. I've read lots of books..... Any practical tips? (Apologies for mega long post)
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Oct 30, 2013 8:37:42 GMT
{{{{Hugs for you....}}}}
I should have read this post first.... Have replied on your other post this info would have helped me give you a much better answer.... Sorry....
O.k. Wow your lo really has a lot going on poor mite....
What therapy is he currently having.... He clearly needs a lot of prof input for you both to have together.....
He is obviously controlling & desperate to keep you all to himself... His attachment issues cause his disruptive behaviour....
What is your p.a.s. Structure like....
I think you should be putting pressure on pas to get some input.... This could be tricky but you are coping amazingly well but I think you deffo need to get things checked out....
He has quite a mixture of attachment difficulties..... & why not his start was very traumatic....
Hope I have not shocked you... I hope you have good contacts in pas....
Keep posting some wise ones will be along soon with other friendly advice I am sure...
Xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by taliesin on Oct 30, 2013 13:10:40 GMT
Hi Daffin... I'm sorry I cant offer seasoned, wise advice, but I did want to echo what Moo has suggested; if I was in your shoes, I would be asking PAS for additional help, especially if they are keen for things to work out long-term with adopting little sister............ Sounds very hard situation to be living in constantly - him testing the boundaries with you, you coping with a new born baby, feeding, lack of sleep....I'm sure you have, but do you have any small coping mechanisms just to help you deal - go back to basics stuff, like having a mantra in your head to get you through hour-by-hour, half-day-by-half-day - and a treat for you and your boy that you 'survived' together that hour with no incidents (in my case it would be a chocolate biscuit reward  !!) (would it help being a private joke between the 2 of you help make him feel closer to you, not pushed out by a baby??) What works to help you "not sweat the irrating/annoying small stuff"?? Sorry if not very helpful.....but until you can get any professional help that may be available, just remind yourself how wonderful you are, how patient you are, what a great job you're doing - you ARE a supermum ! Tali xx |
|
|
|
Post by phoebe on Oct 30, 2013 14:09:29 GMT
Daffin,
First of all, well done you for being so in tune with your "big boy", and continuing to think of his needs in all of this. Echoing what others have said, it's time to call in the cavalry. There are lots of different things you need, from both your own support network and from PAS.
It's counterintuitive, but you can afford to let others take on some of baby's care, as overall she is getting a much smoother start than your "big boy". Could a family member sit in with her for an hour, two or three times a week, so you and "big boy" can do special things for a bit? It's great that he loves his sister, but it's a hard thing for him seeing her having her needs met when clearly his experience was so different. You could maybe do some baby stuff with him as it arises with his sister. My DS loved having his "baby massage", being swaddled after the bath, being rocked and carried etc, even though he always presented as controlling and super-independent in the day. With your DH, can you take turns switching so that each of you does lots of 1:1 care for each child? When you're all together, maybe your OH can carry baby or push the pram so you are closer to "big boy"?
PAS need to give you some theraplay or similar structured time with "big boy", plus they can provide a carer for baby at the location whilst you and your OH are giving your attention to "big boy". I'd also ask them for 10 hours of domestic help per week, for washing, ironing, tidying, etc. It will free you up to be more therapeutic and less stressed.
Stop thinking you're not doing enough - you are doing everything you can. Remember you are going without sleep, having absolutely no time to yourself. It's so stressful even when children don't have additional needs.
Make sure you call in EVERY favour owed, and get some time just for you -maybe have a hair cut, a massage or something? Plus get a couple of hours a week to spend on you and your OH as a couple. This vital if you are going to make it through this period together.
You are doing a brilliant job, but don't try to do everything yourself. Let your OH help at every opportunity, let family or close friends fuss "big boy" to keep him occupied, and let them help with baby wherever practical.
Finally, battle the sleep deprivation with a clear plan. Make sure "big boy" has his nap EVERY DAY, co-ordinated with baby, so even if you can't snooze you get a full hour of blissful quiet to rest your tired head. Don't believe those who say toddlers won't nap! IF it's onvious it's non-negotiable, they will get into it. It definitely saved my life!
Huge hugs. xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by barge on Oct 30, 2013 17:36:12 GMT
oops. I read the other post first too. I agree with Phoebe's advice. Your new addition gives you the opportunity to treat DS as "big boy" in situations where you have to manage them both, enlisting his help and keeping him involved. But equally important is time on your own with him, where he can be your baby too. If out shopping I would stop at bay outfits and say, "I would have bought you this if I you were born in my tummy", "I would have played these games, sang these songs - hey some of those things we can catch up on now" - which leads into Theraplay.
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Oct 30, 2013 20:45:17 GMT
Hello again everyone. Thank you so much for your supportive responses (and thanks for my pretty flowers, whoever it is who's added my new avatar!). In reply to some of your thoughts. Our DS loves being wrapped tightly after a bath and also having foot rubs and 'lotion' sessions. I must make time for more of that. I have been trying to give him focused time whenever the baby (Mouse) is asleep. The thing is I'm not as much fun at the moment, being chronically sleep deprived. Monkey Boy has chosen now to grow out of his day time naps - they were reliably an hour and a half until about 2 weeks before Mouse moved in. Sigh.
I like the idea of calling in favours to lighten the load. I've been doing this in an indirect way by going round to local friends for playdates - DS is generally better behaved when out and I can have a bit of down(ish) time with the mums.
Like the idea of rewards for getting through hours, half days etc. maybe him for behaving, me for not shouting! (Chocolate sounds like the ideal reward, but we don't give Monkey Boy sweets.really, really not worth it! He goes to bed an hour later, if he has anything sweet after lunchtime. Will have to think of something else.
I love the idea of SS paying for help around the house. Can't imagine them providing it, though! Also, I'm reluctant for them to think we're not coping. Wouldn't that undermine our chance of keeping the little LO?
We don't currently have a relationship with the Post Adoption a Team. We asked for support about 3 months after DS moved in and found the 'support' we received really quite undermining. Our SW seemed to imply I was struggling (and DH was not) because I was an inexperienced parent (DH has 3 grown up children from his first marriage). Um, no. I'm struggling because I'm being hit every day. Many times. She also implied that I might be struggling because I had post adoption depression. Um. Again, no. Just feel sad after being hit. Anyway, we were assessed for Theraplay but the specialist said we were doing all the right things and she didn't feel she had anything to teach us. Hmmmm. Nice to hear, but she gave us no practical suggestions whatsoever. After that we gave up with getting support from SWs and I started reading the Adoption UK forum, and learning from other people's posts there. (And now here. Yay!). So, we aren't getting any therapy for our DS - we were told previously that he was too young. We did have an (adult only) consultation with a child psychologist at the Anna Freud Centre (identified and paid for ourselves). Sadly he had nothing practical to offer either. Things have improved massively, and the urgency for getting external support had waned. But.... I'm beginning to feel the need again. It's just I don't really trust SWs with my feelings. (Or with my DS - I don't want him prodded and poked by strangers!)
DH has gone down to 4 days a week so we can have 1 to 1 time with DS. He is also working from home another 2 days a week, so can help around meal times and can be available from early evening (and if things really kick off). We do need to do something so we can get some adult time together though.
Have any of you got good experiences with your PAS team? Are you willing to describe your experiences?
|
|
|
|
Post by phoebe on Oct 30, 2013 22:03:21 GMT
Oh Daffin, I know how you feel. It's very tricky really - so much depends on where you are and what the local offering is in PAS.
Because you are a coper, you are busy getting on with it, but you need to make sure you don't burn out. You must play your professional role fully when you ask for support. Present the fact you have researched and recognised Monkey Boy's needs, not that YOU are needing help! Make it all about him! They will go for that. Please don't think I'm being cheeky, but right now, if you can't get funding for the domestic from PAS, could you juggle some of your family budget? It's an investment that will pay off down the line, isn't it? So it has to be a priority!
Sounds like you and your DH are amazingly together and organised with him being at home, etc. You will get through this time, but it feels terrible missing sleep. Just celebrate the little achievements each day, don't panic too much about the bigger picture yet. If Monkey Boy won't nap, choose a favourite DVD you can put on and just have that quiet time whilst Mouse is asleep. You might find a snuggle on the sofa with the film on quietly is enough to make his eyelids droop! When DS first tried to give up naps, I just stuck to the rule that everyone stays in their room quietly for that time! It was boring, so after a couple of weeks he went back to nodding off! When he was at full time school he welcomed the breaks in the holidays!
Thoughts and prayers with youxxx
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Oct 31, 2013 15:44:37 GMT
Hugs & respect to you doffing you are doing an amazing job..... 
Pas is a really hit & miss thing.... Seems sadly yours is a real miss.... The assessing worker sounds so like my idiot s/w that I had before the boys landed( I used to call her my pet demon !)... She also was probably on brief to guard the budget & say no!!!! 
Phoebe's advice is spot on.... Go back to pas & re tell monkey boys story.... His needs are big & sadly will probably only get bigger.... Scheme up what you think will best help him to help you.... 
You need to get some breathing space as phoebe says else you are in danger of burning out.....
Please Keep Posting We Are All Here To Try & Offer You Support.....
X. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Oct 31, 2013 19:41:43 GMT
Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. It makes me feel better just to have someone else take my experiences seriously. (I get to the point where I feel I'm making heavy weather of things and criticise myself for feeling overwhelmed). And I feel better/ more worried than ever to hear your thoughts about Monkey Boy's behaviour. Better because your responses make me feel That Monkey Boy IS being pretty challenging, worse because I can't pretend to myself that nothing's really happening!
So, you've given me some food for thought!
|
|
|
|
Post by leo on Oct 31, 2013 20:33:30 GMT
Hi Daffin,
It is easy to feel overwhelmed when you are being abused by a chlid because somehow your brain can't connect it properly to make sense of it and it even feels wrong to use the word 'abused' when in reality that is exactly what is happening. I can empathise and know that feeling very weel - along with the total exhaustion that often comes with it.
It definitely sounds as if you need some further support - especialy as Monkey Boy will be starting school in the next year or so and that can be a huge trigger for even more difficult behaviour (sorry but it's so often true!)
I like the other suggestions of carving out some one to one time for you both - but this can become difficult to maintain long term and that's where PAS should be able to help.
I am single so it may be slightly different - but we have a Support Worker come out to us one afternoon a week (was 2 afternoons until recently when I asked for it to be lowered for a trial period). She comes to enable me to have one to one time with each child. I do have some other people who can do this for me but the Support Worker does not provoke the same feelings of jealousy as when Grandad has the other child so I get less fallout during and after. We have had this since placement nearly 3 years ago. Sometimes I use the support to enable us to do an activity together to try and help model/build an appropriate relationship (who am I kidding?) between my two boys as they have a very strong trauma bond and I often have to keep them completely separate to maintain safety.
I hope you do get some practical support in addition to all the 'virtual' support you have on here.
|
|
|
|
Post by monkey on Oct 31, 2013 21:13:13 GMT
Hi Daffin Do you have Home Start in your area? They are a family support charity (nothing to do with adoption). A friend of mine received some (practical) support through them and she found it really useful. www.home-start.org.uk/It sounds like you're having a really rough time. I hope that things settle down a bit soon. MMx |
|
!!) (would it help being a private joke between the 2 of you help make him feel closer to you, not pushed out by a baby??) What works to help you "not sweat the irrating/annoying small stuff"??
