Please help me to process this

Oh gosh, that sounds scary and hard to deal with. Of course tell the other parents but then stop worrying about them and focus on your family. I'm sorry you have also had other bad news recently and you are probably then already feeling more vulnerable than usual.

We are all obviously very different - but my way of processing would probably be to write out a list of my worries over what might happen/what the current and future consequences might be.

Then I would almost complete a risk assessment - what could happen, how likely is that to happen in reality, what could I do to prevent or how could I protect?

Action points from the prevent and protect part may include making Paddington's school aware of this older brother, informing your/his social worker etc or there may be nothing practical you can do in the here and now.

My hope would be that I would be able to process my feelings as I went through the process of analysing the risks and then feeling less vulnerable and emotional about it by knowing I had measures I could take to prevent and protect.

We actually had something very similar many years ago - again, an older brother - who we discovered was searching for my boys.

I was very conflicted. Not about any contact; I knew without doubt it would not be safe, but about being able to see how his life and experiences had shaped him to become that person. When I could see through the panic (by putting safety measures in place), I was left feeling so sad for him. It was very odd to feel such sympathy for him but to also know I would move us to the other end of the country if that was the only way to keep him away.

My worries faded significantly over time - we no longer have a police marker for our house even though I am not sure if he has remained in our county. I think knowing that the risk when we were together as a family was very minimal (although would still be traumatic) and that school knew to only release the boys directly to me or my Dad helped. I also made one (lovely but very nosy) neighbour aware in a very general way so that he would have instantly told me had he seen someone lurking around the village. Nowadays I just assume he is probably back in prison or has moved on from that desire to see his brothers.

It does of course depend on your own personality of what would work for you, but give yourself time. Allow yourself to be angry at the birth family that their behaviours have caused the need for adoption, allow yourself to be scared for your family, allow yourself to feel sad... whatever it is that you are feeling. Almost a grief process in a strange way - where there are different stages to go through.

I hope some of that ramble helps!

It's great to hear how well Paddington is doing and also that you are managing contact with his two sisters. You have achieved a lot in a short time and must be so proud of your boy.

And thank you for stopping the voice in my head saying I'm being silly and dramatic.

Truth be told I've been trying really hard to not having negative feelings about birth family. I'm no longer as sure that's helpful because actually he really scares me.

Thank you Moo. I am carrying lot of guilt this happened on our patch so to speak. Although I'm sure my "sister in law", when I do tell her, will be very understanding.