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Post by mrsbear21 on Jun 4, 2024 15:38:31 GMT
Hi All I've been following up with Paddington's sw for his later life letter and she's just told me his grown up half sister, who is still in contact with birth parents and grown up half brother, saw us all 3 of us at bowling in our home town.
My big worry is that she actually also saw us with Paddington's full sisters and their adoptive parents. The last time we went bowling in our home town it was all 7 of us for Easter.
The logical part of me is reasoning that birth parents (and so extended family to some extent) know what we look like as we've all (sisters' parents too) met birth parents in person now. And they have long suspected Paddington's home town, because they asked their sw if he was in x town and were correct (although sw didn't confirm that to them). His sisters parents' know our location has been guessed because we're doing a really good job of sharing everything.
The emotional part of me is freaking out. Half brother is a nasty piece of work and I'm frightened about what he mihht do with any information like this. And I'm really worried that somehow I've made it worse for the girls if they did see us all together.
Ultimately the horse has bolted and there is nothing we can do now. Although I will tell Paddington's sisters' parents and make sure we avoid meet ups in our town now.
How do I process and move on from this?
I've had a lot of bad news lately (nothing to do with adoption/Paddington who is continuing to do brilliantly) and I can't afford to let this overwhelm me.
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Post by leo on Jun 4, 2024 20:09:19 GMT
Oh gosh, that sounds scary and hard to deal with. Of course tell the other parents but then stop worrying about them and focus on your family. I'm sorry you have also had other bad news recently and you are probably then already feeling more vulnerable than usual.
We are all obviously very different - but my way of processing would probably be to write out a list of my worries over what might happen/what the current and future consequences might be.
Then I would almost complete a risk assessment - what could happen, how likely is that to happen in reality, what could I do to prevent or how could I protect?
Action points from the prevent and protect part may include making Paddington's school aware of this older brother, informing your/his social worker etc or there may be nothing practical you can do in the here and now.
My hope would be that I would be able to process my feelings as I went through the process of analysing the risks and then feeling less vulnerable and emotional about it by knowing I had measures I could take to prevent and protect.
We actually had something very similar many years ago - again, an older brother - who we discovered was searching for my boys.
I was very conflicted. Not about any contact; I knew without doubt it would not be safe, but about being able to see how his life and experiences had shaped him to become that person. When I could see through the panic (by putting safety measures in place), I was left feeling so sad for him. It was very odd to feel such sympathy for him but to also know I would move us to the other end of the country if that was the only way to keep him away.
My worries faded significantly over time - we no longer have a police marker for our house even though I am not sure if he has remained in our county. I think knowing that the risk when we were together as a family was very minimal (although would still be traumatic) and that school knew to only release the boys directly to me or my Dad helped. I also made one (lovely but very nosy) neighbour aware in a very general way so that he would have instantly told me had he seen someone lurking around the village. Nowadays I just assume he is probably back in prison or has moved on from that desire to see his brothers.
It does of course depend on your own personality of what would work for you, but give yourself time. Allow yourself to be angry at the birth family that their behaviours have caused the need for adoption, allow yourself to be scared for your family, allow yourself to feel sad... whatever it is that you are feeling. Almost a grief process in a strange way - where there are different stages to go through.
I hope some of that ramble helps!
It's great to hear how well Paddington is doing and also that you are managing contact with his two sisters. You have achieved a lot in a short time and must be so proud of your boy.
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Post by mrsbear21 on Jun 4, 2024 21:37:07 GMT
Thank you Leo!
I'm so so proud of Paddington. He's doing amazingly well. He's caught up loads at school this year. His teacher has adoptive siblings and has been fab. Plus he's been leaning in to play therapy so he's very good at the moment about telling what he's feeling and why. I just hope I'm getting my responses right; but so far so good.
I like the idea of the nosey neighbour. I'll have a think about that.
And yes, normally writting down what I can and can't do would really help. But just at the moment, with this, my mind goes blank with what can I do. Half brother has never been convicted of anything (charged 11 times but always walked). I'm not sure anyone official can help when that's the case. What safety measures were you able to take (if you're able to say)?
Of course, I don't know if half sister has told him anything or if he'd do anything if he did know. That's just my worst case scenario and I can't quite move past it today. Hoping things will look better in the morning. She didn't approach when she saw us and I haven't been to the bowling place since Easter so it's already been that long without incident.
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Post by mrsbear21 on Jun 4, 2024 21:44:22 GMT
And thank you for stopping the voice in my head saying I'm being silly and dramatic.
Truth be told I've been trying really hard to not having negative feelings about birth family. I'm no longer as sure that's helpful because actually he really scares me.
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Post by moo on Jun 5, 2024 5:36:21 GMT
Sending hugs Mrs B xxx
Leo as ever gives amazing help... I too have been in similar fixes & have felt like a rabbit in headlights... terrifying.... As a single mum it was totally opressive & terrifying....Like leo I fill out a ' what if ' profile... really helps to have a plan of what to do & likelihood of different scenarios ...
Agree also with leo you must put yourselves first, warn the other families but it is not your fault & you certainly don't want this for yourselves let alone them too 😉 ...
Sadly this does happen often to adopters ( as leo & I have experienced ) Please don't beat yourself up plan your 'what it's '
So thrilled to read how well things are going be proud very proud you & Mr B are doing a brilliant job xxxx
Sending hugs & extra marmalade xxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by mrsbear21 on Jun 5, 2024 9:26:22 GMT
Thank you Moo. I am carrying lot of guilt this happened on our patch so to speak. Although I'm sure my "sister in law", when I do tell her, will be very understanding.
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Post by leo on Jun 5, 2024 20:50:13 GMT
You should absolutely not feel guilty over this. It's just been a very unlucky coincidence - and could just as easily have happened in the other adopters home town.
I will send a proper reply soon but you are perfectly justified in feeling upset, angry and scared. Your haven of safety has a potential breach and that is unexpected and unwanted.
You will find ways to manage, but right now it's ok to not be able to deal with it.
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