|
|
Post by leo on Aug 30, 2023 10:19:34 GMT
Ok, I know I really should know this - or have found out before now but...
We have an annual letterbox agreement. Hurricane hits 18 soon. So is this our last one? Do I just send it off as normal and then that's it?
|
|
|
|
Post by flutterby on Aug 30, 2023 15:46:57 GMT
I stopped letterbox a few years in when I never got a reply.
Officially, it would stop at 18, but if you have built some kind of relationship I suppose it could be requested to go on?
In theory it would be down to the adoptees to reach out. This is what I have never understood about letterbox:
What is the point, if it stops at 18? If birthparents have made a commitment to keep in touch and then it's taken away at 18. Seems cruel to me.
I know that they often don't reply and people go through the motions. Or that it might even be inappropriate, just to placate. But if there us a genuine interest, maybe they were "not at fault" as such?
|
|
|
|
Post by leo on Aug 30, 2023 19:30:58 GMT
Hmmm. Well, we certainly don't have a relationship via Letterbox or otherwise.
The birth mother has responded once in 12 years and has also refused (well, agreed then didn't turn up several times) the opportunity to answer questiins or make a video message with our therapists.
Hurricane does not currently know Letterbox exists. Well, he does, but many years ago and has not mentioned it since. We had hoped to tackle it in therapy last year but school issues took priority due to the level of distress they were causing.
The last few years I have sent a very simple one sentence message that he is loved and he is safe and well. My messages were never detailed, very school newsletter-ish, but as Hurricane got oldwr it felt wrong to say things about him without his explicit permission.
Given the nature of and level of abuse their birth mother perpetrated towards him, I have always struggled to write Letterbox anyway but honoured my word and have stuck with it.
I don't think Hurricane will seek any contact of his own. He has very strong views (justifiably so) about her and the rest of his birth family in general so I think this could just be the end.
With that in mind, do I actually state that? Do I say that if he wants contact in the future I will support him with it but that currently it is not something he wants? Just not sure what to write knowing this is likely to be the end.
|
|
|
|
Post by flutterby on Aug 30, 2023 20:52:02 GMT
Hmm, this may sound callous, but given the history and the fact that she still has not engaged despite you writing each year, I would just write the standard letter and leave it at that. I personally feel it is the job of social workers to do the explaining.
You're a better person than me. After a few years I got fed up and my letters got shorter since I really did not know what to say, so in my last one I asked her to let me know what she would like to know as I really did not know what to say. Never heard back, so that was that. And social care never once asked me to write another one. I'm not even sure if they ever passed them on or whether they even had an address for her.
|
|
|
|
Post by leo on Aug 30, 2023 22:05:26 GMT
Thanks Flutterby, I think I'm over thinking it.
Will send my recent standard one sentence and leave it at that.
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Aug 31, 2023 5:12:29 GMT
Sorry late to this...
We too have had similar responses & boys when young got very upset not getting replies... I sadly explained what the letters were & was expecting replies from bf coz ss were so clear it was a given, no option we had to do them!?! I was amazed bf ignored aggreement & ss did nothing 👀 & then boys got so upset....Boys have never forgiven bf for not participating 😕 ....
baa is going to write a short letter soon ( before 18th ) as he does not want contact/letters at all direct once he becomes an adult.... he is very determined he was the most devastated at 3 when they never ever wrote back.... It seems to be about bf only in our case, boys still being 'abused' by lack of thought & bf own agenda.... I am sure skweek will do the same write to ss refusing to ever allow letters or contact once 18.....
HTH...
Good Luck....
Xx moo 🐮
|
|
