After two weeks of violence and threat from Lapwing, enough was enough and I called SS on Friday and said I would not be letting her back in the house so unless they found her somewhere to stay her that night she would be on the streets. So they did. She is an Emergency foster placement with very experienced foster carers.
We have pre-proceedings meeting tomorrow to discuss s S20 and LPO, we now have a solicitor, we have a great new social worker who is very effective. They seem to think they have found a provision which is a tiny residential children's home/school in our county but far enough away that she cant get back easily. In terms of interim care order and care order I now feel that it might actually be an advantage for Lapwing as she would be a looked after child and have priority for supported housing at 16 and access to services that otherwise I would be fighting for.
Peewit is a bit traumatised by it all, but I think he is relieved she has gone. I am both heartbroken, relieved, angry and guilty, all at the same time.
It's not over, but it is I pray the start of a new chapter.
Mum to DD Lapwing (13) & DS Peewit (12) Married to Mr Mudlark
I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how awful it has been for you all.
you really are continuing to do your best for her, if her needs are too great and your wellbeing and safety are at risk then things could not continue as they were. Please try not to feel guilty. I’ve had one incidence of violence here and I still struggle.
My hope is that, in time, and with much support, your relationship can be repaired even if it’s always from separate locations.
many many hugs.
Mum to Snooz, a quirky but fab 17 year old with ASD and Tourettes.
Mudlark, I hope you won't take this wrong way, but I am so relieved to hear Lapwing is now with a carer.
All of you have been failed so badly, SS should never have sat back and watch her unravel to the extent she did. To allow her to be exploited. This was state sanctioned child abuse and you have done so much in the face of adversity to counteract their cruelty.
Like you said, now Lapwing is officially in care, they will throw all sorts of help at her. The system is bonkers.
However, I am glad you are all safe now, that you will have the opportunity to grief, heal and regroup as a family. And hopefully in time, Lapwing will mature and be able to accept nurture, understand and appreciate how much you fought her corner when no-one wanted to listen.
I can't imagine how you must feel now, I know the roller coaster of emotions I went through after Butterfly was made Section 20. But I wouldn't want to presume as we are all different. - So I'll only say this, whatever you may feel, your feelings are valid and you deserve a lot of compassion from everyone around you for the trauma you have been through, the dreams you had about having children, which were ultimately shattered. It is a lot.
I am still processing it now, it's a long ongoing process. (((Mudlark))) xxx
Married to Bumblebear, 3 1/2 kids, a mix of adopted and home-made.
I agree with Flutterby, my first thought was relief - that finally Social Services should step up and begin to support her.
I hope you will be kind to yourself; you have given so much of yourself for so long and have spent so long fighting against the system. You have always put your children's needs first. Any anger should be directed at Social Services for their complete lack of support or intervention, not at yourself.
I also hope that you, Mr. Mudlark and Peewit can begin to feel safe again in your own home and give each other the support and understanding you need right now.
Flutterby you're spot on. SS did literally sit back and watch Lapwing unravel, and now she is a mess. But I re -read all my threads here and actually it was blindingly obvious this was going to happen, I honestly don't know how we could have stopped it.
And us? Well after 48 hours of Lapwing being gone, we have removed the padlocks from our bedroom doors, and the locks that we could lock ourselves inside. I have put back the kitchen knives, so no longer chopping a carrot with a blunt knife. The extra bolts on the front and back door are not needed. The food hidden in the bedroom to stop it being eaten can go back in the kitchen. I have now had 3 nights in a row where I have not had to call the police to report her missing. I do not have a sick feeling of anxiety when I know she is about to come home. My phone has not rung or beeped all day long with social workers, police, and youth-workers.
I packed anther bag for her today for the SW to take over, put in a big bag of chocolate buttons.
It's like a bereavement, or as if my child has been abducted.... it's the only way I can describe it...
Mum to DD Lapwing (13) & DS Peewit (12) Married to Mr Mudlark
It certainly is like a bereavement, but in a way it is worse. When our children go back into care, we do not have closure, it is just the start of a different long road.
Society does not see us as bereaved, some will judge and try and make out we are at fault, even if not to our faces. You sense it when it happens. You will not get the celebration of the sadly departed, the coming together of all to support each other. Instead, just this void - of everything that went wrong, of everything that could have been.
The days and weeks after Butterfly left were like being wrapped in cotton wool. Everything felt spongy, slightly unreal, the amount of time that was suddenly available, being able to take decisions, for myself, on my own, not having to do a mental risk assessment for even simple tasks, like is it safe for me to go to the loo now? Catching myself, always scanning the environment...
The sheer rage I felt when I finally did have the time to really get how much we had been failed, how much the state felt it was ok to destroy our family, put us through so much emotional and physical harm. I always thought I understood, when Butterfly was still here, but actually so much time was taken up with surviving, there was no time to really process - which saved SS a lot of money because that way it took longer to reach a point of no return. We were too busy trying to survive and being guilt tripped to say what you said in the end.
Keep posting if it helps in any way. Sending you lots of virtual hugs. xxx
So sorry Mudlark, as you say entirely predictable and that makes it worse.
I hope the ability to live normally in your home will give you an opportunity for some personal recovery and healig to gather strength for whatever comes next.
I may have said this before but two of my old work colleagues, different families, has children removed for the safety of the family. In time they bith say that relatiinships have improved. It will never be the same, never be what was hoped for when you adopted her, but maybe hope for something, in time.
But now its time to look after yourself xxx
Mum to the 'hansom' Simba, age 19 and 40 now retired teddy bears and FC to Special K, age 12