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Post by sivier on Jun 24, 2022 10:30:48 GMT
Just looking for some words of advice (or support, or empathy, whatever's on offer!).
My daughter age 13, Year 8, has accrued many consequence points at school for being late to lessons, failure to start or complete work, talking too much, defiance and confrontation. She's been put on report, with the aims of 1. not being late to class and 2. doing things the first time a teachers asks. Sigh - she will invariably fail, particularly on 2. as she has always, always needed prompts and reminders from teachers in school.
AD has high anxiety, a sickness phobia, separation anxiety/insecure attachment and meets the criteria for a potential ADHD diagnosis. She is (unsurprisingly) explosive, demand avoidant and exhausted when at home.
She has just started to be seen by CAMHS after a 16 month wait post-referral for concerning intrusive thoughts.
With help and advice from here, I pushed for an EHCP but was told she does not meet the threshold as she had a high reading age and average CAT scores at the beginning of Year 7, but that they would make 'reasonable adjustments' to support her inclusion. The Comm Paediatrician suggested that the school does an Ed Psych assessment to understand her SEL needs. School has so far not responded to her report/my email on this.
Her PLAC/LAC contact is on long term sick leave and the person stepping in does not have attachment or trauma-informed expertise. They have not responded to my query on their longer terms plans for replacing the LAC specialist, who was at least responsive.
Despite me on several occasions very clearly setting out her challenges and where they come from, her school doesn't appreciate the stress she carries every day just to get through school. The behaviour management systems as we know are inflexible and counter-productive for many of our children. AD doesn't want to change school and from other adoptive parents I speak to, I'm not sure any other schools in our area are much better.
So my question is, what would others do at this stage? Have you been in a similar place? I feel they just see her as naughty, and I just see her being set up to fail.
Thanks for any thoughts.
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Post by serrakunda on Jun 24, 2022 16:30:52 GMT
To be honest I think I would be looking for another school.
If they aren’t listening now, they won’t for the next 3.
I’ve seen too many parents battle against schools like this.
You’re right - they are setting her up to fail, they won’t change. You both derserve better. At the very least if the school won’t apply for the EHCP, apply directly.
big hugs - sorry its so tough
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On report
Jun 24, 2022 20:19:32 GMT
via mobile
Post by leo on Jun 24, 2022 20:19:32 GMT
I agree with Serrakunda; this is not the right school for her. I understand she wants to stay but what traumatised 13 year old would invite massive change? You have to make the decision - but probably need to try and ride it out a little while you research and plan.
I would apply for an EHCP yourself as soon as possible - somewhere like SOS!SEN can help or you may have local charities to help with paperwork.
I would also start looking at other schools - do any have a resource base/provision on site for children with SEMH difficulties? Are there any specialist schools - and the main 'title ' of the school does not necessarily match the extent of their expertise (so a Speech and Language school may also focus on sensory integration, social skills, have smaller classes, more understanding of emotional difficulties).
Was your daughter struggling in primary - and I don't mean academically; I hate it when parents are incorrectly told their child doesn't meet the criteria because they are academically ok or able. Start to collate as much evidence as you can to back up your request for an EHCP.
I would also contact Adoption Support and tell them she is heading towards exclusion; they should (even if they won't offer direct support) be able to put you in touch with LAC/PLAC Education support advisers.
An EHCP is not dependent on diagnoses, it is dictated by a child's needs. Diagnoses can be added to it later. Parent requests are often almost automatically refused on the first attempt. Be ready for that, you have a right to appeal and generally those cases where a parent won't accept the initial decision then go through fairly smoothly afterwards.
If you can get private assessments - EP, OT etc then do so as you will need some reports and recommendations for targets etc when you get to the EHCP draft stage. A solicitor can also be useful at that point - but again, expensive.
Sorry, that's a bit scattergun. Hope some of it makes sense.
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Post by sivier on Jun 24, 2022 21:51:34 GMT
Thanks so much Serrakunda and Leo. I am struggling for alternatives where we live - there is another small school nearby with some SEMH provision but I know adoptive parents whose kids are not getting what they need there, and they are very frustrated with that school. The other local schools seem, from my research so far, to have similar issues with not really having a working understanding attachment in the classroom or any trauma-informed specialism within the school. However, I will dig deeper. AD did struggle at primary and we had the same story then - that she is okay academically so doesn't qualify. I agree - I do think I'll need to apply myself for an EHCP and will be getting onto that. I didn't realise Adoption Support could potentially put me in touch with PLAC/LAC education support advisors so I will pursue that. Thank you, I appreciate your responses  |
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On report
Jun 25, 2022 3:43:54 GMT
via mobile
Post by flutterby on Jun 25, 2022 3:43:54 GMT
Most of my ideas have already been covered.
If a paediatrician has already suggested an ed psych assessment and school are not responding get adoption support and virtual school involved so they put pressure on them.
When applying for an EHCP point out that school are refusing an ed psych assessment despite a clear need for one as requested by paed. Also, get a letter from paed to support your EHCP application.
If already under CAHMS and is finally seen now, push for ADHD assessment too.
I agree with change of school if this is possible at all.
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Post by sivier on Jun 25, 2022 15:49:27 GMT
Thanks Flutterby, very solid advice, as always.
The change of school is a challenge, though. I researched and visited all our local schools before choosing and there's not an obvious alternative, in terms of how I felt they understood attachment/their behaviour management systems/their reputation (i.e. from other adoptive parents). I'm not blocking, I am just genuinely unsure as to what might be a better move for her. I will need to review and revisit!
Thank you so much.
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On report
Jun 25, 2022 20:03:05 GMT
via mobile
Post by flutterby on Jun 25, 2022 20:03:05 GMT
Sivier, I hope you didn't think I was trying to pressurise you into having to find a new school and making you feel that what you are doing is not good enough.
I know how tricky it can be to find a suitable school. However, with all that's going on, you might be able to play the system a bit. Your daughter's current school are obviously not meeting her needs and they don't think she is a "suitable" child for their school. You might start with compiling a concise email detailing all her difficulties and needs. Send this to all schools in your area and ask if they can meet her needs. And explain she is in the verge of being excluded. They might well come back to you and say they cannot meet her needs. This would then give you ammunition to go back to the LA that they have to find a school place further away, e.g. pay for a taxi. This would also open up choice for you. Have a look at schools up to an hour away, you might find one much more suitable. It will not happen over night, but in a way you almost want your daughter to get excluded as this is proof to that the current set-up is unsuitable and it'll give you more ammunition to push for the right school.
I know it is cruel it has to come to this for anyone to listen. But sadly the system is what it is and we have to put lots of energy into making it work for us.
Look after yourself. You'll have a fight on your hands, but it is doable. Always remember you do so much more for your daughter than anyone could ever expect of you. None of us are superhuman, but we bl**dy well have to come close to it. xxx
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Post by sivier on Jun 27, 2022 8:52:55 GMT
Not at all flutterby, I didn't feel pressure from you but I hear what you say and think you're right although I dread the impact this will have on my already fragile relationship with AD. I know I have to take the longer view.
I think the idea of writing to all the schools to see who would welcome AD with open arms (!) and what they can offer her is a really good one. I am going to get started on that.
And yes, it is exhausting. I think, almost 12 years in, that is really beginning to bite so I'm looking into seeking some support for myself too. And very grateful for the wisdom on these boards. x
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Post by mudlark on Jun 28, 2022 14:19:41 GMT
Hello Sivier,
I am so sorry this is happening and that your poor daughter is struggling. Having just come off the phone from my daughters school hearing that she has a detention for stealing yoghurt and hiding on the school field ( she is year 8) I totally empathise!
My daughter also does NOT have an EHCP for the same reasons your does not.
I have decided not to move her from this current school, as every other secondary school in our area is 1000 plus kids and more or less 'the same'.
I pushed and have had an Ed Psych review about 2 months ago and still waiting for something back from the school detailing what they are doing, but it was a useful meeting. Getting the school to act on it is another matter.
I have a TAF 'Team around the family' meeting twice a term which has been useful for reminding them not to set her up to fail and to try out different ideas to help her, maybe one of the ideas will help, or maybe they wont, but at least we are trying. Can you set up a formal regular meeting with the school?
I am seeing a psychologist , I mean just me , without my daughter, monthly to keep me sane and help me keep on track with the right parenting to help her. This paid for through the ASF but to be honest I would pay for it myself if not.
It's pretty horrendous and tiring for me, my daughter, her brother and my husband so I really feel for you.
You have had some great advice from others as well, I have been making notes!
Lastly, as always, take care of yourself, eat , sleep, rest, well.
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Post by sivier on Jun 28, 2022 16:07:26 GMT
Thanks so much for replying mudlark.
I actually had a really good first call with the ADHD liaison person in the school today, who seemed very attuned to attachment stuff as well as ADHD. So there are some good people there but it's so hard trying to join it all up. I've asked for TAF meeting about AD but this has been knocked back, to date, in fact I've never had a team meeting about my daughter since she started secondary - their view seems to be that she's not that bad and doesn't need it. Now things are escalating I'm pushing again for this. I'm also gunning for an Ed Psych assessment, so we'll see where that goes. I too feel that all schools in a reasonable distance are similar but got some good advice for looking a little further afield for smaller schools, so I'll try that too.
I know you've had huge challenges with your daughter and I'm pleased you're getting some professional input for just you, too. I've a PAS meeting coming up about ASF, for exactly the same thing!
Thanks again x
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