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Post by mudlark on Apr 25, 2022 10:39:47 GMT
So now Lapwing (13) is writing directly to BM with my agreement -just had first letter back from BM who refers to Lapwing as Sweetheart - birth Dad refers to her as princess - it makes my stomach churn - but of course it would because I am her MUM!!!
Is this just my own jealous issue??
Lapwing may feel less lonely and more loved if she reads these little endearments, which would be a good thing...
I don't know if my instinct is right or wrong as I am so nauseated by the glib endearments.
Sorry!
Any thoughts?
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Post by flutterby on Apr 26, 2022 3:35:32 GMT
We only ever had one letter from BM. At the time it was letterbox and should have been addressed to me. Only it was not, it was to Butterfly and she addressed her in the strangest way, she did not seem to remember our daughter's birth name correctly and made up a new, non-existent name which was a hash up of hers and her half sister's name (they were similar). I complained to SS about it who were extremely unhelpful and never heard from her again.
So I get you being uncomfortable with words of endearment. I suppose it depends on the backstory whether it is "ok" for them to use these words.
Sometimes children are removed because of say parents' learning disabilities and, in a way, it is not their fault they were removed. They did not do anything "wrong" as such, but we're sadly unable to care for them safely.
However, if there was actual abuse, if parents failed to protect them from violence etc. it is a different story and I would feel like they had lost their right to use those terms of endearment.
It creates this feeling of familiarity and seems to negate their role in what happened to Lapwing. It's Long Lost Families all over again with you being part of the mean establishment who keep them apart.
So, yes, personally, it would worry me too. Does she have their address, are they safe people to potentially receive your details? I presume this latest contact is not facilitated through SS?
So sorry things seems to go from bad to worse. How is your son coping with all of this? Poor lad, I seem to remember, he has a very different opinion of birth family.
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Post by leo on Apr 26, 2022 21:45:32 GMT
No, she shouldn't call her 'Sweetheart' or any other term of endearment. I can only imagine the pain it must be causing you.
For me, not being in the middle of the situation,I'm wondering what Lapwing is calling her? Are the pet names mutual? If so, is it a way of avoiding 'Mum/daughter'?
Sadly, I don't think anyone else is thinking of your feelings but you are right to say you are her Mum and I think you need to hold onto this truth no matter what else is happening.
I think you have, throughout this entire nightmare of a situation, been expected to tolerate and accept an awful lot of things that shouldn't even be happening. I don't know a route out of it but hope you can keep fighting for better therapy and support for you all.
You are the one who has given this highly traumatised child years of love and security, a safe family, nurturing hot chocolates, regulating walks along beaches and have been a role model for how to make and maintain relationships. Do not allow anyone to get inside your head and attempt to minimise what you have done for both Lapwing and Peewit. They have come this far because of what you have done (and continue to do) for them.
Lapwing can't see that right now so you have to believe it for her as well as you. She is your daughter; you are her Mum.
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Post by moo on Apr 27, 2022 11:12:15 GMT
No Deffo Not imho......
As leo says you are her mum, her rock, you are fighting for her & taking on all of this to protect her from herself & promote safe mental health... Jealous is in no way part of it..
You need support in this not hindrance.... I hope ss or your therapist will help you with your feelings about this... as it is direct letters with bm you have no hope of getting bm censored š¢
Sadly our children cannot be expected to see how the world spins & will always fight, rebel & live in their own dream reality.... as we know at this age a no or reasoned discussion means all reason goes out the window & simply makes resistance, determination & lack of thinking greater... my heart goes out to youxxx you are an amazing mum mudlark to lapwing & peewit please try not to lose sight of that xxxxx
Sending hugs xx
Xxxx moo š®
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Post by serrakunda on Apr 27, 2022 17:08:42 GMT
Oh this is so hard, Iām not sure that I would see your feelings as jealousy as such ( though far be it from me to tell you how you feel) I think for me its more about have they earned the right to do that.
Lapwing will be flattered by the attention and the endearments, even if she doesnt realise it she will have hopes and dreams about how this will work out. She isnt able to see past that to how you might be feeling.
We all know that in all likleihood she will be let down.
I remember shadow writing about Shadette calling her the mummum, the one who is there, thats you. All you can do is be there, ready to catch her
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Post by sivier on May 2, 2022 8:21:43 GMT
Agree, it perhaps doesn't sound so much as jealousy as the fact that these are very familiar terms that feel inappropriate and quite claiming, which is very jarring. I know I would definitely find that difficult. I'm not sure what you can do except dig even deeper into your reserves of strength and patience, and hopefully get to talk to someone about it.
Even with your own feelings, you are thinking of how the terms that the BPs are using might help Lapwing feel better. That there is a mum's love.
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Post by mudlark on May 4, 2022 22:34:48 GMT
I went to see our psychologist and talked about this even showed her the letter, the one written by Lapwing and the reply from BM. She felt on balance it was ok and that I should maybe just accept the whole use of endearments in this case.
I suppose so - I guess I am lucky that Lapwing isn't just going on Instagram or snapchat and just messaging them both.
No Lapwing does not use any endearments and indeed hates them and has never let me call her anything other than her name.
Sometimes I do wonder what is going on with Lapwing, she is just so disorganised in her thinking, so brilliant at fooling eveyone, so that even our highly experiences psychologist doesn't see that Lapwing's letter although coming across as thoughtful and appropriate is just another of her fantasies, just like the endless porn she writes or the hideous letters to me....
But thank you all for re-stating that of course - I AM her Mum!
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