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Boarding
Oct 28, 2021 1:42:00 GMT
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Post by flutterby on Oct 28, 2021 1:42:00 GMT
Butterfly still does not know she is going to start at a boarding school soon.
I have been trying to get guidance on who is going to tell her and when, as it might happen soon after all (some of you may know that I thought it was unlikely to be imminent, but it is now). Sadly no-one has come back to me.
I am worried sick about this. I - and this might be totally wrong thinking - feel this should come from social services as I am worried she might feel rejected by me personally if I am seen to be the driving factor in her mind.
I do not want this sprung on her last minute but not sure how soon is too soon? Due to violence, this needs to be dealt with quite sensibly and sensitivily. I am lying awake churning all this over.
I feel so disconnected at the moment because I know all this, she does not. I feel like a fraud. She keeps asking me when a new school is finally found for her and I have to lie to her and pretend nothing has happened.
I want her to know but what do I do? This is about me as well, I just feel so awful and everyone keeps talking to me about logistics when I want to talk about feelings - hers and my own.
I know there are a few on here whose children board. What did you do? Hie was this dealt with?
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 29, 2021 8:00:41 GMT
I really don’t know what the answer is, I think there is probably no ‘good’ way to tell her. I think you are right to worry that she might feel you are rejecting her.
My only suggestion would be talk her through the options that are available, ie in terms of local or day schools, schools you need to travel to, to try and lead her to her own conclusion that going away is a good option.
How far is the school home, is it weekly or term boarding?
Can youto take her on a visit to the school, let her see for herself what it can offer, make sure she knows when she can see you, come home or you will visit her
xx
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Post by moo on Oct 29, 2021 16:34:47 GMT
Hi Flutterby... Sadly both boys chose to attend their school as boarders in year 7...it was totally their decision...
What I can tell you is that boys at their school can be day boys or boarders & by year 9 all wish they could board... Day boys are jealous of boarders & beg their parents to allow them to board...?!!!
All apparently says baa want to be treated as young men & want to prove themselves as sensible grown up & independent... soooo do you think butterfly would respond to this thinking herself... be a real teenager taking responsibility for herself, making her way in a world away from home as a grown up girl??... my 2 love the independence & thrive... I know issues & reasons are different for butterfly, but turning it around & trying to harness a mature change of scenery aiming at independence...especially to prevent her from the possibility of feeling rejected & angry...
It doesn't help with emotional anguish when they set off for school tho....I hate empty farmhouse & loathe that worry about how they really feel & weather they are truly happy & settled... why I do not know they obviously have ups & downs but really have excelled it is an amazing school....
Please try not to beat yourself up.. I feel sure this is the best for butterfly.... Time in a boarding school really does seem to focus the mind & emotions xxx
Sending you many hugs xxx
Do pm if you feel more boarding school input required xxx
Xx moo 🐮
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Boarding
Oct 29, 2021 17:57:56 GMT
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Post by flutterby on Oct 29, 2021 17:57:56 GMT
Thanks everyone, there are no other options available to us, so regardless of how Butterfly feels about it she'll have to go there.
She is at the younger end of the spectrum for boarding. I'm not sure if she cares about being truly independent, she likes to control, but at the same time finds it hard to go to sleep unless I stay next to her. She seems to have regressed lately and keeps following me whenever I try and say goodnight.
I am just not sure whether it should be me telling her she is going or whether that's best left to social services. That's my biggest dilemma, whether it would be more harmful coming from me (rejection) or whether it would comfort her knowing I have her best interest at heart. I just don't know.
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Post by mooster on Oct 29, 2021 18:18:24 GMT
Hi Flutterby
You have done so well to get to this stage, far harder than it should ever have been and I totally understand your dilemma as you break the news. I wonder whether if you do it you will have control over exactly what is being said, this is not about rejection but about finding the best support for Butterfly. You know what she needs and I am convinced you will have the right words.
Have you spoken to school themselves? They may have some wise words from people who have trodden your path before.
Leaving it to SS does make me wonder if they will be able to do it with the sensitivity Butterfly and you need.
Wishing you well
Mooster x
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 29, 2021 19:05:31 GMT
I know you have exhausted all other options but she doesn’t
I think what I was trying to say was that if she could see what the other options were, understands why they arent suitable, and if she wants to go school, then their is only one conclusion.
Cecil lost nearly 3 years of education, he is now in a residential school Monday to Friday, and a residential home weekends and holidays. He seems to be doing well, I can see the difference in him
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Post by mudlark on Oct 30, 2021 23:43:22 GMT
Gosh yes, I totally feel your dilemma.
Not the same but.. my actions with Lapwing, around taking away all her technology, controlling her free time, monitoring almost every thing have been explained to her, by me, as decisions I have taken but in consultation with the police, social workers, psychologists. The back up of 'experts' advising me of the best course of action to help her is quite useful and lets me off the hook as it were!
Maybe you could do the same? Deliver the news but have the decision made and backed up by your 'experts'- there is no easy way but it absolves you of it being 'your decision'
I really feel for you, its a very tricky situation. The initial shock she may feel will fade. Good luck with this.
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Post by rosie on Nov 1, 2021 21:39:30 GMT
Coming very late to your update. Great news that you finally got the school placement Butterfly needs. I understand how difficult it will be to tell her what is happening. I do agree with others though, that social services may not tell her in the most appropriate way. You know her so much better and how to word things. Is it worth phoning the school for advice about the best way of telling her and preparing her for the change. I hope all goes well whatever you decide and that Butterfly does settle well.
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Boarding
Nov 3, 2021 6:24:47 GMT
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moo likes this
Post by flutterby on Nov 3, 2021 6:24:47 GMT
Thanks ever so much for all your feedback, everyone.
I was agonising over this so much. I think it was the lack of communication from SS, which made me worry so much. Not knowing timescales either.
We have a definite plan now, but will not be able to post more about this in the open board for obvious reasons.
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