Lapwing is 12

Oh Mudlark I can feel your pain through what you have written.

Yes, our children have an uphill struggle and it is incredibly difficult to witness - especially knowing life could have been so different for them.

You have to cling to the fact you are making a difference in her life. You are loving her, accepting her, empathising with her, finding her professional help and, most of all, being the Mum she so desperately needs.

You are her best chance and you are doing an amazing job.

I hope the birthday and the upcoming therapy go well.

Sometimes, with regularity Lapwings' trauma does get me down..anyway I thought I would post again just to keep a positive direction... so today was her actual 12th birthday and I decided to buy the CD of the aforementioned dead rap artist for my 12 year old.

Guess which present got the biggest hug, not the iphone, or any of the other 'stuff' - i think the fact I have given her 'permission' to listen to depressing, drug fuelled, nihilistic, rap gave her great relief.. I listened to the angry lyrics some of which she would not understand, but she did understand the 'tone' the expression of isolation and anger and hurt..

So off we drove to the Lyme Regis  to hunt for fossils. the sun slightly shone and she lay her head on my stomach and then  rested her head against my heart, she looked at my hair and said ..its slightly the same colour ( it isn't at all, but I knew what she was trying to say)
Later she ate lot of cake with her friend and I gave her a squishy face changing  octopus as she went to bed, a last little gift to show her I cared and was trying to understand. The octopus, purple and blue soft and sweet plush had at first a smiley face  and then as you turn it inside out it looks cross and sad.. I thought it might help.

Then, bedtime at last, she asked for a lullabye...That is Lapwing...a never ending story of sadness, trauma, hope and and anxiety..all rolled in hormones -  she exhausts me. I wondered why she does...and I realised its because I try so hard to make her happy...maybe too hard..maybe I just need to let her feel sad....because that does seem to make her happy.

I feel many of us go through this storm of trauma..it waxes and wanes, it has a journey all of its own..

Your comment about a 'storm of trauma' resonates with me - after all, I do have a Hurricane and a Tsunami!

The day sounds a complete rollercoaster and I can see how exhausting that must be - never knowing whether you're up or down or when the direction is going to change.  I am glad you are getting support soon; she sounds such a complex girl even without the issues hormones and puberty bring.  It is a never ending tightrope balance between trying to give them some happiness in life and accepting/allowing their depression and anger.  Hurricane regularly goes through phases of being obsessed with death and I often find it quite disturbing - but it seems to comfort him in some strange way that I haven't quite fathomed.  He regularly shows signs of depression too - although not as openly as Lapwing and he doesn't appear to identify that feeling in/with anyone else.  Maybe it's good that she understands the expression of feelings from someone else, perhaps she won't feel so alone with it all? Does she have any creative abilities that could be used to express her own thoughts and feelings?

You create such vivid images for me of a lost little girl so desperate for connection with you and love from you, combined with that teenage desire to pull away, be independent and not need you.  That classic push and pull - and in the middle an angry, emotionally fragile tween.  It's no wonder you are exhausted; each time you embrace one part of her and show her you accept and love her, it vanishes again.  I feel for her, all her trauma and all her pain - but I feel for you too; living with, and loving, children like this is so hard.  I hope you have time, space and support both physically and emotionally - you deserve it.
Take care.