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Post by spideress on Oct 22, 2013 19:16:29 GMT
I have an "identifying" first name and if it is added to my hubby's more common first name it is usually fairly easy to find out things about us like our surname etc because our names are linked together all over the internet due to the fact we had a self-employed business which we advertised. Even though the business is now closed the internet links tend to remain seemingly forever. We have agreed to letterbox and a physical meeting with birth family but asked that I be allowed to go under a pseudonym and that the birth family are made well aware that the name I am listing is not my real name at all (that way no one is being "deceived" as such).
The agency now seem to be seriously suggesting that I go through the whole rigmarole of legally changing my name (which would be a massive amount of hassle on credit cards, mortgage deeds etc) to a name which could have my actual name as a short form. They would then tell the birth family what my "longer" name was but still tell them is was a pseudonym ie that I am not "known" by that name as it is in full. The agency seem to think this would be OK with me because I can still be known by everyone as my "real" name as that would then be a short form of my changed by deed poll name. Apart from the fact I have zero desire to change my legal identity in any way then even if I did it only takes a search of my new name on Wikipedia to get all it's short forms and then a quick search of it's short forms added to my hubby's name and all the data comes up which eradicates the entire point of me changing it in the first place!
Have any of you been allowed to use a name in letterbox or physical contact with birth family that is completely nothing to do with your real name?
Have you any idea why it seems to be *so* important for the birth family to know what is actually your real first name (or at least a fuller version of your first name)?
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Post by shadow on Oct 22, 2013 19:26:14 GMT
sounds weird -I just used to sign with my Christian name initial - they never knew my surname - but then I never met them as they were apparently too aggressive - but surely there is nothing wrong with using code names for the meeting - maybe arachnia
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Post by kstar on Oct 22, 2013 19:27:10 GMT
That is completely bonkers!!! I cannot understand that at all! My SW asked me what I wanted to be known as to BM, but as I have a very common first name she has been given that only, with no reference to surname. Starlet was encouraged to refer to me as mummy X in her letter to avoid confusion (she still calls birth mum mummy in letters too). Stick to your guns I say!!
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 22, 2013 19:35:13 GMT
Hi, I have an uncommon first name and being married to DH have acquired a very very rare surname (DH is another ethnicity) . When put into an internet search engine (even just using the surname) my name is the first to be listed! I personally would stick with the pusedomim...I am quite perplexed that they have asked that you change YOUR name....stick to the pusedomim!
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Post by pirate on Oct 22, 2013 19:37:18 GMT
Hello Spideress
Going on the pre adoption course last month, sw just mentioned there may be cases where the adopted child may have to change their first name - no mention of adopted parents changing names.
Sounds so extreme but at the same time I don't get why you have to declare anything to the birth family. I would have concerns of security for Incy and you and your hubby.
Something does not seem right Hun.
Sorry I've not helped. Pirate Xxxx
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 22, 2013 19:40:54 GMT
Yes I agree with the other posts (only saw these after my post). How dare they....l signed our letterbox with 'From the adoptive parents'. I am not sure how old your LO is but I am sure they could be trained to refer to you as 'X' when in the presence of BF
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Post by jollymummy on Oct 22, 2013 19:53:10 GMT
I would definitely stand firm on this. The SW are so hot on not changning children's names because of how it forms part of their identity and the same should apply to you. They cannot insist on this and you could refuse to meet the birth family if they try. It is clearly in the child (ren)'s best interests that you are not traced so hold firm, would be my advice.
JM
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Post by smileycat on Oct 22, 2013 20:35:17 GMT
I agree with the others.
When we were matched with DD the sw spoke about contact like it was something we had to do.
Second time around and being asked to consider DD's sib we were asked how contact is going- we said up's and downs but okay- sw said how pleased she is because they can only ask the AP's to do it, if when the LO is placed we say actually no thanks they can't do anything about it!!!!!!
So- on that note I'd tell them this is how it's going to be! If you are agreeing to letterbox then when you fill in the contact contract you write the name you wish to be called against adopter 1 and DH against adopter 2. The end!! They cant fault that. If you meet face to face you say hello I'm X and I'm Y.
I think all the BF will be interested in knowing is how the LO is doing. I'm not sure I'd even worry about telling them you are using a nickname to be honest, it's just the name you prefer to be called.
Anyway, total rot!!!
Best wishes,
SC x x x
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Post by oogleschnook on Oct 22, 2013 20:45:26 GMT
Absolute nonsense! Can't believe they are asking you to do this......! If I've read your post right you are only talking about an initial meeting with BF and then letterbox. Surely you can introduce yourself as anything you like and likewise sign your letters. I would stand your ground on this and expect you'll find SW will back down, sounds like they have been getting a bit carried away with themselves! Hope you get it sorted.
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Post by spideress on Oct 22, 2013 20:56:52 GMT
Thank you everyone. Having looked at general adopter advice of "pick your battles" with your children I think I will take the same stance at present with the social workers on this. Once Incy has actually moved in with us we may be in a "stronger" position to "hold our ground" on this and I think the initial contact with any of his BF or any letterbox will be at least a few weeks after he has moved in with us (just a guess on that since no one has told us anything different though I am sure I read recently that someone actually met the BF during the intro process). I like the idea of going with just the first letter of my name if they will not let me call myself some completely different name at the meeting/on letterbox. I am not too much concerned about the BM but the siblings have already directly asked the SW what our names are and the moment I told me that I thought "they want to google us" as his siblings are just at the right kind of age to "live" on the internet now and be pretty savvy there.
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Post by flutterby on Oct 22, 2013 20:57:11 GMT
Sounds like total madness, my social worker said to me to sign any letterbox communication with x s new mummy and daddy.
They should really support you in keeping your identity safe. What a cheek to even suggest you change your name.
Sorry, no new ideas, but wanted to show my support. Good luck and hope you will manage to stand your ground x
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Post by sivier on Oct 22, 2013 21:38:23 GMT
What???
This request from the agency is not reasonable, and I would say that no, you are not prepared to change your legal name, but you are happy to use a nickname.
Could you use a middle name, if you have one? We sign our letters to BF with our Christian names, which are both fairly common. We met maternal grandmother during intros, who called us by our first names. I would have probably used my middle name if at all in doubt.
I think resisting changing my name legally is one of the battles I'd pick!
Hope it gets sorted out for you.
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Post by spideress on Oct 22, 2013 21:49:37 GMT
What??? This request from the agency is not reasonable, and I would say that no, you are not prepared to change your legal name, but you are happy to use a nickname. Could you use a middle name, if you have one? We sign our letters to BF with our Christian names, which are both fairly common. We met maternal grandmother during intros, who called us by our first names. I would have probably used my middle name if at all in doubt. I think resisting changing my name legally is one of the battles I'd pick! Hope it gets sorted out for you. I do not have a middle name but hubby does. If the worst comes to the worst and they force me to use my real first name I am going to ask if hubby can at least use his legal middle name as if you search my name plus his middle name on the internet nothing comes up. It is the only time in my life that I wished I legally had a middle name!
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Post by moo on Oct 23, 2013 6:42:14 GMT
Hey spideress.... Barking...
I get your dilemma you don't want to rock your boat before your littlie arrives...BUT..... I when I met BM & GM used an alias s/w wouldn't let me use my real name!! In my experience the s/w are determined to make contact ( d & l/b) & as long as the adopters aggree to this all their boxes are ticked.... Because of the older sibs DEFFO Internet will be searched & bingo you will be found..... I think you have to be brave & stand your ground.... For direct contact completely new name or nickname whichever you prefer.... This must be part of your 'human rights ' data protecting you & incy . When I say be brave you are prepared to have all contact BUT if they continue being so unreasonable you will not do contact except letterbox.... Prove you are putting incy's safety first.... For letterbox you can obviously sign off incy's new mummy..... So no christian name necessary ( don't actually sign mine as the letter is sent on behalf of baa & skweek )
In my l/a letterbox only happens after child is placed & settled ..... Direct with b/f & sibs not until a.o is granted... This would be your best lever IMHO if you think you will apply quickly for a.o tell s/w so & that direct will happen after then.... You think it in incy's best interest & he will be more settled....
5 years in when b/f get tricky I point out to s/w that l/b contact from us is totally voluntary & if x y or z doesn't happen we will not be doing it coz I don't think it in the boys best interest.... They all backtrack like mad to try & keep me onside... They well know that even if b/f took me to court to try to force contact if I sighted all the inappropriate stuff & non replies to letters & said boys upset etc ....not in their interest the judge could not & would not support their claim....
Hope this waffle has helped.... I think they are being totally unreasonable.....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 6:52:16 GMT
If it were me and they would not agree to me using a nickname I would refuse to have contact end of! You are not obliged to meet the BP's and if SS aren't even willing to allow a nickname for one meeting and signing a letter then I would refuse to go to the meeting. They are not likely to disrupt the placement especially if Incy is already home. Sounds like Jobsworth to me.
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Post by loadsofbubs on Oct 23, 2013 7:26:10 GMT
I completely get why birth family would want to know your names but that is not their right to know. stick to your guns, sounds insane what the sw is proposing and so much simpler and cheaper to simply keep your own name and use a pseudonym at any meeting or for letter box. I had a little one, tiddly bubs, and she had a pseudonym becoz I lived close to a number of people from her own culture who could have passed on information to her birth parents and dad was a very real threat to her, she had a very easily identifiable first name. no one in ss even blinked when I said i'd done this, she was known in public by this name, my friends didn't even know her real name, they thought the pseudonym was her real name! her parents though didn't know she was using a pseudonym and it never caused any problems at contact that she was known to them by one name and by everyone else by a different one. her aunty still uses the pseudonym but becoz she liked it, not from necessity! pseudonyms are nothing new in the ss world.
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Post by peartree on Oct 23, 2013 7:40:34 GMT
They might want to know But actually it's not their right So I'd stick to your guns
The problem I forsee Is the very leaky ss
There may well be a leak of your name
So cover yourself as much as possible
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Post by vickyvixen on Oct 23, 2013 8:29:10 GMT
This is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard in a while! To ask you to legally change your name... Actually this was one of the concerns I brought up on the old AUK site - I have a very unusual (in this country) first name and if you google it I come up because of what I do for a living. They could then track down where I work & therefore potentially where I live. It is something I'll have to think more about when the time comes (although I quite like Vicky!). But I'll not be legally changing my name - there are other options and after all it is my identity as well. Stand your ground and good luck!
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Post by fehrscaper on Oct 23, 2013 22:08:48 GMT
What they are proposing is really silly. There is no reason at all why you can't use a different name to your own in any meetings or in letterbox. But I would sort this out NOW. SS may tell the bf your real name before any meetings take place. When my dd was matched with me, they told the bf my first name without even asking me if that was OK. They only ever used my first name - but they have to use something, I suppose, when talking about me. (I doubt they use "mum"..).
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Post by spideress on Oct 23, 2013 22:29:24 GMT
What they are proposing is really silly. There is no reason at all why you can't use a different name to your own in any meetings or in letterbox. But I would sort this out NOW. SS may tell the bf your real name before any meetings take place. When my dd was matched with me, they told the bf my first name without even asking me if that was OK. They only ever used my first name - but they have to use something, I suppose, when talking about me. (I doubt they use "mum"..). So far SS have not disclosed either of our first names even though the bio children have directly asked for our names and now that their SW knows that I have particularly raised the idea of a pseudonym for myself I think she will be extra careful not to release any details. However, I understand that "accidents" happen and I understand that at some point in the future our names might "slip out" so if that did occur we would have to do as much damage limitation as possible. I am already doing as much as I can to remove traces of ourselves off the internet and I have made my Facebook as tight on security as I can.
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Post by barge on Oct 24, 2013 8:44:04 GMT
This is madness. I can understand SS being cautious of real names "slipping out" in the future and how that would leave Birth family feeling, but it is really up to you to agree to contact on terms that you are comfortable with. We use middle names for letterbox. If you don't have a middle name could you use your mother's name and hubby his father's?
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Post by sivier on Oct 24, 2013 11:26:27 GMT
Good luck getting it sorted Spideress - just added hassle you don't need, eh?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2013 11:49:55 GMT
Regarding SS letting names slip. I have had emails and letters addressed to me calling me by BM's name, so no doubt they do it the other way too and BM could possibly know my name as a result. She does know my christian name, just hope she doesn't know my surname, although after my divorce comes through I will be changing my name back to my maiden name and now DD's are saying that if I do that, they want to change their surname too, so maybe it is a good idea for us all to do so, even though we have no security issues at all.
The more I read about adopters being messed around the more I think we should all be know as Mrs X and Mr.Y, or a case number with pseudo names to protect our own identity as well as re-naming our children once the AO has gone through to avoid Facebook tracing in the future.
If kids are old enough. they should get to chose their own new name, and if too young, then adopters should chose one for them. I am sick and tired of reading about the BP's rights - What about the rights of the adopted child to be left in peace until they are old enough to decide to search for their BP's, if and when they decide to do so, be that at 18 or 45, or never as in my own case.
Sorry rant over, but it does make me mad, and I am adopted myself!
IT should be my decision NOT some blooming SW!
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 24, 2013 16:39:20 GMT
Completely agree JMK! I just don't understand their thinking (as l have said). How come it is ok for say DH and l to be known as 'the adoptive parents' (and also change our LO's name) and others not? Maybe SS need to be centralised and run by one government agency to ensure more consistency.
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Post by donatella on Oct 25, 2013 8:28:27 GMT
You don't have to put any name in contact letters. When we did them - we no longer do them at my sons request - I did it in the firm of a report thereby avoiding the 'dear' bit as well. Content can be the same but completely anonymous.
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Post by sooz on Oct 25, 2013 17:49:20 GMT
I didn't sign my last, very recent letterbox. If I remember rightly, the first one I did was signed adoptive mummy.
Agree to anonymous letterbox if you want to but I would say no to direct contact unless a very watertight way of managing it can be found.
Is your lo to have ongoing direct contact with bf and/or sibs? If so I can see the issue of your name being a problem because lo could well mention it.
Asking you to change your name is crazy x
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Post by spideress on Oct 25, 2013 20:01:49 GMT
I didn't sign my last, very recent letterbox. If I remember rightly, the first one I did was signed adoptive mummy. Agree to anonymous letterbox if you want to but I would say no to direct contact unless a very watertight way of managing it can be found. Is your lo to have ongoing direct contact with bf and/or sibs? If so I can see the issue of your name being a problem because lo could well mention it. Asking you to change your name is crazy x It is letterbox contact with BM and Birth Sibs with a one off face to face meeting with all of them
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Post by smileycat on Oct 25, 2013 20:28:19 GMT
Regarding SS letting names slip. I have had emails and letters addressed to me calling me by BM's name, so no doubt they do it the other way too and BM could possibly know my name as a result. She does know my christian name, just hope she doesn't know my surname, although after my divorce comes through I will be changing my name back to my maiden name and now DD's are saying that if I do that, they want to change their surname too, so maybe it is a good idea for us all to do so, even though we have no security issues at all. The more I read about adopters being messed around the more I think we should all be know as Mrs X and Mr.Y, or a case number with pseudo names to protect our own identity as well as re-naming our children once the AO has gone through to avoid Facebook tracing in the future. If kids are old enough. they should get to chose their own new name, and if too young, then adopters should chose one for them. I am sick and tired of reading about the BP's rights - What about the rights of the adopted child to be left in peace until they are old enough to decide to search for their BP's, if and when they decide to do so, be that at 18 or 45, or never as in my own case. Sorry rant over, but it does make me mad, and I am adopted myself! IT should be my decision NOT some blooming SW! Totally agree jmk, it's not rocket science is it- if the child has an identifying name then the AP's are advised to change it for security given the world we now live in but the AP is the one with the unusual/ traceable name but it's not fair to the BP's to use a nickname!!!! Barking mad!! We AP's are asked a great deal of in todays adoptions and the kids get asked a lot of too. We have direct contact with an extended birth family member who DD saw weekly during her time in fc. When contact started after she was placed with us it was positive for her and the BFM. Now she's wary and distant with said BFM. That is obv difficult for them and us as AP's we are fond of this person but very aware that we need to be on our toes with the things we say and now DD is 5 she could very easily say oh I go to ballet at X place and turn round and say we live at number x, Y road, in Z... it worries me. Sigh... I hope all gets sorted soon spideress. From experience things take ages to get sorted so you should be well into placement before they get round to things. First letterbox isn't expected by the BP's before 6 months into placement anyhow, possibly longer. Plus nothing can happen until you've a contact contract you are happy with.... I know, it took quite a while before my DD's sw got ours right.... stand firm as I said before you do not have to do any of it if you decide you don't want to. SC x
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Post by homebird on Oct 26, 2013 8:59:31 GMT
Speaking as a birth family member......I have a confession to make. We had a one off meeting to discuss how we would manage contact because we had a large sibling group where some stayed with extended birth family and some adopted by strangers. We knew the adopters first names at that time. When we started receiving letters - in the form of newsletters - the adopters signed off with their surnames. So although social services didn't tell us, the adopters did! It was easy enough to Google them, find them on Friends reunited and Facebook. I think only I out of the birth family did this although I know the oldest sister did a FB search with no results. But I didn't do this in the beginning,only recently because my daughter is at the age where she uses the internet a lot and I wanted to know what info could be found easily/. I didn't do anything with the information apart from pass on the FB link to oldest girl with strict instructions not to attempt to contact them. A year later - the adoptees contacted all of their siblings via FB without their parents knowing. (it is all above board now though)
So, I think no matter how careful you are, information will come out and if anyone has the time/inclination to search, it can and will be done.
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Post by spideress on Oct 28, 2013 6:57:57 GMT
The birth family were given a pseudonym for me but my floreana is so articulate she'd probably say my real name. It would be very easy for the birth family to locate us but hopefully they won't!.....we had face to face contact but thankfully the mum thought she couldn't cope with direct contact so it's been stopped. You do not legally need to change your name but the la have a duty to protect you IMHO our floreana has a very identifiable name and hD she been younger we would have changed it but she knew it so we couldn't. But we did change her middle name. Good luck Thanks. We just found out that Incy has three middle names (we were always told he only had one but the birth certificate shows otherwise). We are hoping we can drop all the three middle names and add a middle name of our own so that later in life he can choose to go by whichever of the names he wants and on social media etc at least he might then have the option of just using his middle name for the sake of security. I am not sure what the "rules" are regarding dropping and adding a middle name in adoption but think it gets done at adoption order time since I presume we change his surname then. I suppose though that he would not get a new birth certificate though so expect he will have to spend the rest of his life explaining why his name is not his birth given name?
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