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Post by mudlark on Aug 13, 2020 23:06:00 GMT
Hi All, Peewit ( age 10) asked today while we were gently chatting about stuff whilst needle felting ( yes my 10 year old boy loves to needle felt, when he is not rushing around madly) what his full name was. I asked do you mean your birth surname, he answered yes. When I asked why he wanted to know he replied it would make him feel more like himself.
Ok, I have no problem with this other than the fact once they know it.. they ( sorry I mean his sister, or maybe peewit) will be on facebook searching...thus opening a potential can of worms... I also have no prob;em with controlled. agreed access to birth family, BUT is Peewit , age 10, too young, it seems a massive bit of information opening a veritable Pandora's box...how old were others when they knew their birth surnames...
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Post by scaredycats on Aug 14, 2020 16:54:35 GMT
I agree with where you are coming from with this and have been thinking about what we will say when our AS and AD are older and ask us. At the moment, when asked those type of identifying social media searchy type of Qs I have been saying that mummy needs to take advice from professionals about the best way of handling this and making sure that it’s not risky to give you that information. Also, it’s such an individual thing - how mature the child Is...How prone to risky/ impulsive behaviour they are etc... And underpinning it all has got to be open communication between adoptive parent and child if possible. I’ve heard it’s useful to talk to them about the risks of informal/ unsolicited contact and that, if they want to try to contact birth family, then it needs to be carefully planned for all sorts of reasons.
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Post by flutterby on Aug 15, 2020 4:16:22 GMT
I have the same problem here. Only, we had to change Butterfly's first name too. She asks regularly and has been since she was 6. I always tell her that we were asked to change her name to keep her safe and that we are not allowed to tell her or anyone else. She will find out when she is 18, not a day before if I can help it. I empathise with how she must feel, ask a lot and give her the opportunity to really express her sadness and anger around this. I've also made a game out of what would you like to be called and talking about names in general, how they make you feel. She understands the concept of changing names, one of my older ones has changed theirs (they're trans). I've also said to her that if she felt more comfortable with another name we would call her that, so she has a choice over her identity.
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Post by moo on Aug 15, 2020 16:11:12 GMT
Mine in honesty rarely ask....
When it came up a few years ago I gave a name very similar... eg if it were fish said trout & (lied) said I wasn't really sure & didn't want to get it wrong... like scaredycats I said I could ask sw to check if they really wanted an answer.... Boys on reflection said they didn't really want to know were just curious... we had a little chat about things & it was immediately forgotten ( often the way around here)
Now as 14 & 13 teens they appear to have other fish to fry! They seem content with lifestory work... long may it last....
Sorry no personal similar situation advice to offer.... I remember long & long ago wise ones saying hang on do not give surname out until 18 as so many ac's rushed off googled & found bp's some.... with horrendous outcomes xxx
Good Luck xx hang in & keep posting xx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by leo on Aug 17, 2020 19:41:57 GMT
Sorry for the slow reply...
Not faced this myself as mine knew and used their birth surname when they came home.
Advice I have heard before though is firstly to try and find out what part of him he thinks is 'missing'/why it feels so important to him.
Secondly, to almost pass the buck and say you were advised by social services to not release that information until adulthood and that you know young adults have to have a session with a social worker to discuss their reasons and to check they are ready for the possible consequences (which is really about releasing files). You could then calmly suggest you are happy to contact social services if he wants you to try and arrange such a meeting...and see what happens?
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identity
Aug 19, 2020 16:54:37 GMT
via mobile
Post by scaredycats on Aug 19, 2020 16:54:37 GMT
I also like the idea of saying “we were advised by SS not to disclose that information until you are 18...” Could get tricky though as that then provides a cliff-edge age which may bring about thoughts of “when I’m 18 I’ll be able to...” tricky if one’s child has a significantly lower emotional age, cognitive age, plus impulsivity etc.... Perhaps substitute 18 to: when you are old/ mature enough?!! ;-)
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Post by mudlark on Aug 20, 2020 16:19:19 GMT
Thanks for the useful advice. I have been having a mummy instinct that all was not right with Peewit, and in fact I had a rare oppotunity this week to spend a little time on my own with him. Almost straight away he dived in with 'wouldn't it be weird if you could have an injection which gave you other people's blood' ....'like I could have your blood so we were actually blood relatives'
- so there it was! - He also voiced a small thought that his birth dad was 'quite funny in his letters 'isn't he mum?' he wanted approval and reassurance that it was ok to be him and we were ok to be us and that yes I expect his quirky sense of humour may well come from his BF who is quite funny - so it's always about worry, anxiety that its not ok to be 'him' - and the need to be reassured that it is - anyway it does prompt me to think about some proper life story work for young Peewit - I think he would benefit.
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Post by moo on Aug 20, 2020 18:18:50 GMT
Oh how wonderful mudlark...
Peewit is clearly a very thoughtful & clever young man... He has taken so much in ....spotted many characteristics from bf & you & dh ..you must be so proud... What a great chat you had.... You are very right, he is ready for lifestorywork?. Love the blood idea so clever xxx
Great Post xx
X moo 🐮
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identity
Aug 21, 2020 9:40:30 GMT
via mobile
Post by chotimonkey on Aug 21, 2020 9:40:30 GMT
V self aware little peewit, he sounds ready ❤️❤️
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