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Post by sivier on Oct 21, 2013 12:01:07 GMT
At the suggestion of Letterbox co-ordinator, yesterday I got AD to do a little drawing to put in with annual letters to BP and MGM (mostly as way of avoiding sending photos which we feel under pressure to provide, but don't want to). Anyway made the mistake of saying it was for BM, who we've spoken to about by name in the past a few times, AD knows she didn't grow in my tummy, that we are her forever mummy and daddy etc. (AD is 4 and a half and been with us for three years). I said it was just to let BM that she was very well and happy in her forever home. Anyway, she happily did the drawing and then last night and today.....the fallout.
Silly stupid stupid me. AD has come such a long way and because we've always been open I thought this would be okay. But I just didn't think it through enough, she's still so young, it obviously triggered some fear in her of being moved on, and although I thought we'd been very reassuring and light touch we've obviously unsettled her. I should have just had a drawing session, and sent a couple of them off with the letters without saying anything to AD.
We are doing what we can to reassure but I feel really dreadful today. I know that people here will get it and understand. Thank you for listening.
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Post by phoebe on Oct 21, 2013 12:20:17 GMT
Oh Sivier, it's hard when we suddenly realise how much they are still hurting. You did what you thought was best, that's all any of us can do. Don't beat yourself up about it.Lo will process this and move on again. x
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 21, 2013 16:37:56 GMT
Please be kind to yourself, I know you feel dreadful but you did what you thought would be ok xx
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Post by moo on Oct 21, 2013 17:58:48 GMT
Hey..... it sounds to me like you handled it really well......  please be kinder to yourself..... 
We are always wiser after an event, but triggers really are just that & take your knees out after they go & spark a big response....  The least likely of things in this house have caused the most massive ( I mean nuclear scale ) of fallouts...  I felt physically sick for a week last time but we all do our best for our beautiful damaged children & sometimes it really really does come from nowhere.... 
Sooo try & give yourself a break the reaction was really very unexpected..... 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by kstar on Oct 21, 2013 19:38:29 GMT
Sometimes honesty is best anyway, even if it hurts. Even at four and a half, she might remember this - as the time new mummy cared enough about her and accepted her past enough to let her draw something beautiful for someone important :-)
Well done, I was a wreck when we did our first letterbox, it killed me to see Starlet writing a letter to "dear mummy" without meaning me :-(
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Post by sivier on Oct 21, 2013 19:46:57 GMT
Thank you kind people, for empathy without judgement, it has really helped me today along with a particularly lovely pm.
Poor little AD has been so over compliant today (when she's not either raging or physically pushing me away), you can really see her struggling with it.
Some nice gentle things planned over the next few days to help bring her and mummy back on track a bit. You live and learn.
(Gosh that is hard kstar, I would find that very tricky. Hugs to you).
Thanks again.
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Post by smileycat on Oct 21, 2013 20:02:12 GMT
Oh Sivier- sending you a very big hug.
Big sigh.
Hope things calm down a little soon.
Please be kind to yourself.
Love,
SC x x
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Post by peartree on Oct 23, 2013 14:01:13 GMT
Bless her- she's showing her distress in her only language appropriate way- by WOBBLERING
You want to snuggle her up ((((())))))
But think you did do right telling her. It is time she knew.
However, it's supposed to be for her
Not bps
And if it's severely retraumising her then perhaps needs re-thinking
Gentle hugs
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Post by janpan on Oct 23, 2013 22:25:39 GMT
Just wanted to add that although she's really wobbling just now, as a little bit of time passes she will recognise that she stayed with you, you still love her, her BM isn't going to get her back and she is safe. I think you did the right thing actually too.
It's terrible what our children still have to go through, but go through it they will. She has you to remind her everything is ok and to reassure her of your safety and security. It will be better in the long run.
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Post by sivier on Oct 24, 2013 11:40:45 GMT
Many thanks Smiley, moo, PT and janpan.
You know, it is interesting, yes she's been wobberling (I like this word PT) most definitely, BUT....she is already recovering herself a bit. Not long ago this would have been maybe two weeks of 'right out there' anxious behaviour severely affecting her sleep, her tummy, her eating, with lots of push/pulling....but she's already, four days later, seeming to have the worst of her wobberley behind her. Real affection when she saw me yesterday after school and a hug, but not clinging and desperate. Genuine smiles this morning and her playfulness back. Brow less knitted (hers not mine!). Maybe she is beginning, just beginning, to understand that she is not going anywhere.
We have been doing life story stuff since she was placed, but the concept of growing in someone else's tummy, and the reality of a 'live' connection with that person, are very different. On reflection I need to prepare better for telling her and allow more for space for fallout/distress but people here are right, she is going to need to know more, not less about BF over time. I'll do a little more gentle life story work with her over the next couple of months or as soon as feels right.
Thank you, helps so much to talk it through with you.
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please be kinder to yourself..... 
The least likely of things in this house have caused the most massive ( I mean nuclear scale ) of fallouts... 
I felt physically sick for a week last time but we all do our best for our beautiful damaged children & sometimes it really really does come from nowhere.... 
