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Post by mudlark on Sept 22, 2018 22:34:12 GMT
you get punched in the arm and told your family is fake.....
...it is those little moments of casual violence that bring you down with a bump..
and it's not that there is a massive problem, its just that I need to remember it's not all rosy and they need me to remember it's not easy for them...
.. ok message heard....I should not get ahead of myself... ( still makes me sad though)
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Post by daffin on Sept 23, 2018 13:23:38 GMT
Sorry to hear about this.
Yes. Casual violence is horrible.
Do you have a strategy to deal with it? Do you do something afterwards so that you can acknowledge and cope with your own feelings - rather than suppressing them?
Lots of questions. I don’t have the answers, I’m afraid.
Some aspects of NVR are useful, but long term it hasn’t delivered for us.
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Post by moo on Sept 24, 2018 11:30:14 GMT
Xx hugs xx mudlark been there too  it so sucks xxxxxx
Its all the baby steps & then still that heartbreak that I find so telling xxxx
Sending many gentle hugs your way xxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by mudlark on Sept 25, 2018 10:28:28 GMT
Hi Daffin, I have strategies, and they usually work, most of the time in fact. I suppose it is just all too easy to be lulled into a false sense of security and forget ( or is it bury) the reality that the children are not totally fine and cannot always cope with things. Its always a shocker when it happens and I always get upset, but things move on again....as is the way!
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Post by larsti on Sept 29, 2018 9:24:08 GMT
Hugs mudlark(belated!) ((((mudlark)))))
Interesting what you say Daffin about NVR DH went to a session a couple of years ago. We had misunderstood and thought 'non violent resistance' was the same as 'safe restraint' !! Anyway recently I received by email the flyers for PAC NVR course and I said to DH maybe we should see if we can get to them...or at least one of us. But he wasn't keen on the basis of what he had already heard. He didn't think we had anyone suitable be the supporters for starters.
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Post by runmum on Oct 4, 2018 19:52:10 GMT
I would recommend NVR. Nothing is a magic bullet and adopters have to do NVR a bit differently to avoid shame but it helped us feel competent and supported. Our children can make all the adults around them feel incompetent. Agree though that supporters are key. Ours come round and clear up the carnage and make all of us tea and food. They then join us once it's all calmed down to do a de-brief with Monkey Boy re-iterating the initial statement about the behaviours that will not be tolerated but stressing we are all there to help. For Monkey Boy there is no point doing this until the next day or later so we just do it when it's convenient for the supporter. Even then we need to keep it really really quick. He can't tolerate long drawn out sessions. It's good for him to see that they still like him despite standing with us against the behaviour. It doesn't stop the behaviour we just all feel better able to cope with it. Note sure if that helps.
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Post by daffin on Oct 4, 2018 20:07:24 GMT
I would recommend trying it, too.
I particularly liked the reconciliation gestures and it did feel as though it improved our ‘parental presence’, it’s just that long term it didn’t shift our Monkey Boy’s behaviour. But he is perhaps quite an extreme case.
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it so sucks xxxxxx 
