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Post by nzhb on Sept 3, 2018 13:11:26 GMT
I have received my copy of GH this am. Another happy ever after 2 page story of adoption in there. A lady who adopted 2 babies - over a period of 2 years. Both girls. Then got pregnant herself and had another girl. Happy, dreamy write up of what bliss it all is.
However adoptions happened in 200/2001 by the look of it.
SO - a very different picture from now.
How I can't stand this fuzzy picture. I am sure it can't all be true - there must have been some tough times. No mention of behvioural problems/school problems/contact/meeting birth famililes/dealing with social services/differences between adopted girls & birth child.
If it were that easy, we would all be doing it.
I feel this makes life harder for those of us who are adopters in the 'true' world of adoption today. And it stokes prejudice against our children who do have difficulties.
I am going to write to them about why they cannot have an article about the reality of modern adoption - or would that put people off, and affect the sugar coated world they portray when every life adversity can be overcome?
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Post by jmk on Sept 4, 2018 11:32:29 GMT
But happy adoption stories sell magazines and true stories of adopters fights to get support for their children don't and that's the reality unfortunately.
That's why Auk was editing it's members posts saying they were being too honest and would scare prospective adopters away, hence all of us being here and sharing on our private board.
Programs like "Long Lost Families" wind me up because they feature re-unions of adoptees from the 50's and 60's when babies were relinquished by their birth mothers because of social stigma when BM's were ostracised by society for having a baby out of wedlock where these poor babies were called illegitimate.
Adoptions today are soooooooo different, we adopters know that, but the general public don't and they still like to think of lovely little orphans finding their forever families or the more militant ones think adopters today are baby snatchers stealing babies form their poor birth parents.
Of course there are some sucessful adoptions today, but these people don't have a need to come on forums like these and others because everything is going well so they don't need advice on how to access funding to get therapy for their traumatised complex child.
I myself used to read other members horrific struggles for years on Auk when my DD's were doing amazingly well for 11 years and I used to feel guilty that mine were relatively problem free, that is until puberty kicked in, ex left, BF found them on the internet and then it all spiralled downward massively into the chaos that is today where both DD's now have complex MH problems and my life is full of meetings and battles to get them help. Am not prepared to say much more on the open board, but to say things have changed massively is a huge understatment.
Is anyone interested in hearing this other than other adopters, no?
Can we talk about it openly and honestly without fear of being sued, no?
So we join groups like this so we can talk in private to ask each other advice and to support each other and share our horrific stories of the hell we have been put through for simply trying to get MH support and education for our highly complex AC from the so called professionals who swore to be there for us when they approved us to adopt these same children in the first place.
It is sooo wrong and we and our children are the victims of a system that sets us up to fail through lack of resources and expertise.
I'd better not say anymore on this open board for fear I will have to moderate myself.
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Post by nzhb on Sept 4, 2018 11:46:51 GMT
I agree completely .
No wonder we all feel isolated from the world we families have to live in.
Thank goodness for boards like this.
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Post by larsti on Sept 4, 2018 20:53:34 GMT
On a more trivial note I think with GH everyone whose photo appears has had a makeover. No one looks ordinary IYKWIM
I totally agree. One thing I am very aware of is that as adopters we can't tell the whole truth publically as we have a duty to our children not to reveal things about them. So we can't even tell our own stories without having a pseudonym.
What a topsy turvy world when one of my first thoughts on hearing that our son's BM had died, was to think that it made life easier for us. No chance of a reunion. EVER. That's tragic for him but I know you will all understand my thought process.
What's needed is a whistleblowing social worker or two. We've met some good ones but the system is broken and frankly it stinks.
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Post by nzhb on Sept 4, 2018 21:46:39 GMT
I have had Sw’s day they had thought about adopting, but having worked in social services they would not.
Yet, our families are never given the respect we deserve, by those who are supposed to help us .
Why do they think they know better than us?
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Post by mudlark on Sept 5, 2018 10:24:38 GMT
As school starts again and I am faced by the school run, I feel once again that sense of isolation, difference, uncomfortableness, jarring feeling of being somehow on the outside of the 'norm'.
Unlike GHK our adoption stories are on the whole not 'pretty' not easy reading and not necessarily for many of us having a happy ending.
I also watch Long Lost Families but almost wish I didn't, I do because I hope it may give me insight into how adoptees feel, which it does, but mostly the Adopters just don't feature which is always painful. I know many of the Mums on the school run watch it, because it has a feel good factor, which people like....
As those adopted in the last 25 years grow up maybe there will be a reason to hear their voices , our voices, as society has to face up to the mess it has made of supporting them and us to cope with children who were not relinquished, but 'removed' or birth parents who were not tearful teenagers shamed by illegitimacy but birth parents who chose drugs, alcohol, violent partners and chaos over parenthood. That will make a very different programme to watch. I would watch it....I would want everyone to watch it to understand that adoption is not a 'fairy tale' it's something much harder and frightening. I really feel for adopters, it can be, not always, but at times, such a lonely journey. On the upside it's the chidlrens first day back at school and I am sitting having a coffee and a biscuit in beautiful peace!
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Post by jmk on Sept 6, 2018 15:24:17 GMT
Yes Mudlark, I too often wonder why Long Lost Families rarely show the adopters at all, even where the adoptees have said they had a wonderful upbringing and the adopters rarely feature almost as if they don't matter anymore now that the BM has been found.
I appreciate some of them probably don't want to feature in the filming but it would be nice if there was even an explanation saying this, because it sometimes comes across like the adoptive parents don't matter not that the 'real parents' (and I say this facetiously as I consider my adoptive parents to be my real parents). It's almost as if when reunion takes place, the adoptive parents are redundant and are more like unpaid fostercarers and I would love to know more about how they feel and why they aren't featured more often in the reunions, if only in the background.
I have seen one or two where the adoptive parents meet with the birth parents, but this seems to be the exception rather than the norm. I am assuming that it's because some adoptees wait until their adoptive parents have passed on before searching, or some do it behind their adoptive parents backs,or without their support or whatever.
This is where it would be nicer if the program actually stated in each case whether the adoptive parents wanted to take part or not, but they should at least get a mention and not be ignored as they are in most cases, barely getting a mention as if they weren't important and I think this is very hurtful.
I do think any reunion programs made in the future would be very different, especially if adoptees are confronting their BP's where there was abuse or neglect, think it might look more like the Jeremy Kyle show, rather than Long Lost Families when BP's have to face the consequences of their actions and try and justify why the could not put their childrens needs first. Think adopters would fare a lot better then, when adoptees see the realities face to face.
Also I would like to know the statistics of how many of the reunions continued once the honeymoon period was over. How many continued to stay in touch over a longer period or did the relationships fizzle out once the novelty wore off on both sides as can often happen in reality.
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Post by runmum on Sept 20, 2018 9:12:00 GMT
Ah yes frustrating indeed. Agree a reunion show in 2030 would be much more Jeremy Kyle. What worries me about these shows is 1. It gives an inaccurate picture to our friends, families and the staff at our children's schools 2. Our children and/or their mates may watch them and think that we are untrustworthy because we want them that they may be sad and upset by finding their brith family. Just keep sending everyone this beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Why-are-these-kids-different.pdfI warn them that it's upsetting and to read it when they feel strong but I still say they should read it. It has shaken things up a bit at our school. |
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Post by jmk on Sept 20, 2018 11:59:20 GMT
Can't get the link to work Runmum.
Might be my tablet, will try again later.
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