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Post by nzhb on Sept 18, 2017 21:38:38 GMT
Our AD birth father died over the w/e.
She was told last week he was ill - wanted to see him- but no chance to do this.
Has any one else been in same situation?
Any tips?
We plan to do a small ceremony in local church to remember him , as not suitable to go to the funeral.
Thinking about sending flowers.
Very sad, no matter what.
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Post by mudlark on Sept 18, 2017 21:43:01 GMT
I think your idea of small low key ceremony in your church is a really spot on idea. I imagine a welcome way to grieve and feel that grief is accepted by you.
It is very strange isn't it, the relationship we have with the birth family.
It's sad news. My best wishes and prayers to you all.
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Post by leo on Sept 18, 2017 21:52:10 GMT
So sorry to hear this.
I found it very difficult to handle with my two - but I think that was partly because we didn't hear for over a year after he died and partly because mine didn't have memories of him as he left quite early on.
Despite that though, it still rocked them more than I thought it would - it was a kind of slow burn on it rather than an instant reaction.
Do you have any contact with birth family? I think that would maybe help to decide whether to send flowers. Maybe also question who you are sending them for? Would sending them help your daughter in any way? Or is it a symbolic gesture - and if so, would that cause friction or extra pain for the birth family?
It is very hard. I think you have to be led by your daughter to a certain extent - whilst obviously still keeping her safe and contained.
So sorry, don't think I've been much help!
Take care.
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Post by nzhb on Sept 18, 2017 22:37:55 GMT
Yes , we have letterbox contact.
Although Ad hasn't seen him since aged 2.5
He hadn't written for a while, so we instigated letterbox team to find out if he was Ok.
Turned out he admitted he was terminally ill with probably only 1-2 weeks to live.
AD got chance to write to him & we know that he read the letter with support the day before he died.
Unfortunately , lots of family in fighting with other half siblings, glad we are removed from it.
Death can bring out the worst in families.
We feel v sorry for birth mum who is caught up in this in a horrid way.
AD doesn't know this.
Want to keep things simple and will let AD take the lead as to how she handles it.
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Post by jmk on Sept 19, 2017 15:13:39 GMT
Sorry to hear your news Nzhb, yet another loss for your DD to deal with.
I discovered EDD's birth father had died 5 years before, about 3 months after my ex left and I held off telling her for about 3 months as I thought it would be too much for her to cope with. I ended up telling her one day when she was speculating about him and even though she had never met him, she was a bit upset. I think it's because the fantasy of possibly meeting him in the future was taken away from her and she knew it could now never happen. She still sometimes mentions him, usually when she is feeling sorry for herself as she and ex do not have a good relationship so she often refers to having no dad.
I wish Davina Mc Call and Nicky Cambell would read our boards and see it's not all about Long Lost Families and happy reunions these days.
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Post by nzhb on Sept 19, 2017 16:20:09 GMT
I could not agree more with you JMK.
My AD is up & down.
We take each step at a time.
And we still have all the stuff going on ( see ASB) that she doesn't yet know about
And now a new SW ( meeting tomorrow) to boot....
Far too much stress & change - and that is just us.
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Post by serrakunda on Sept 19, 2017 16:39:23 GMT
sad news. good that he managed to read the letter before he died. I hope that will be some comfort to AD as she couldn't see him
I think your plans sound lovely. |
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Post by milly on Sept 19, 2017 22:13:10 GMT
The birth father of one of mine died when she was 10. We heard shortly afterwards as his mother (with whom we have contact) contacted social services. We didn't tell her immediately as Christmas was due and we needed time to think it over. When we did, she was very upset despite not having seen or heard from him since babyhood, and having never been interested in him (always in bm only). It took about two years for her to completely come to terms with it - we had ups and downs in that time.
We sent a condolence card to his mother and received the funeral service programme from her with an account of the circumstances (sadly she was the one who discovered his body) - dd was mentioned as his dd in the service. We didn't do anything else though -dd asked sometimes eg to see his resting place but we didn't then want her to know it is fairly local to us. But we did let her light candles in memory of him on visits to churches sometimes(as sightseers).
Dd was heartbroken that the door was closed on ever meeting him. She hasn't mentioned it for a long time now - I think it helped that she found out pre puberty as she has had some unstable times since and it could well have had much more impact on her at an older age.
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