arethstar
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 29 
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Post by arethstar on Oct 16, 2013 20:01:35 GMT
Starling and I are a few months into our second year together. Things are normal. That is, planet adoption normal. It's normal that as things begin to be repeated, she's having new feelings and concerns that she can't always express. It's normal that she's regressed a little in clinginess and fear that I might leave her. It's normal that she's feeling safe enough to say how rotten she feels inside. It's normal that it breaks my heart to hear her say she hates herself. It's normal that she's so happy one minute that she's here being kept safe and loved - and in tears the next because she misses BM and is afraid of forgetting her. It's normal that we've gone back to some of the tantrums that we've had - well, a year ago. It's normal that peer relationships are more of a struggle this year. It's normal that the toxic shame has ramped up a notch this year. It's not as normal as it should be that she has a lovely supportive teacher who is willing to understand the issues and work together on them. I wish that was normal for all of us and not just a case of us being lucky.
So all perfectly normal, but oh so tiring. I am weary.
And yet I know how lucky we are.
She's actually very good at articulating her feelings for her age - with support of course, but she does have that basic understanding of emotions. Her behaviours are not extreme. They're not dangerous (though she can squeeze the life out of people unless reminded to be gentle). She can handle going to tea at a friend's, or going to Beavers or other activities that give me some moments of respite. Her tantrums are short lived and she responds well to the therapeutic banter afterwards. We're doing okay. Better than okay - frankly she's doing amazing for all that she's been through and still has to deal with. I am very proud of my little girl. But it's tiring and I'm weary.
I found out this week my Mum very likely has cancer. In the lungs even though she never smoked a day in her life and that just makes me so angry. I'm sure lots of people here know the thoughts that go through your mind when someone you love has cancer. The not wanting to think about it, the not being able to stop thinking about it, the selfish thoughts, the injustice of it all thoughts. I've been a bit numb these last two days. And actually, it's made it much easier to be zen-like and not sweat the little stuff! I've been very calm and therapeutic about all of the above normality. Just like my mum is being very calm about taking this one bit of information and one day at a time. But it's not fair. Again I'm so lucky to have a mum that is not only supportive, but has also lived it having fostered two boys long term out of care. She and Starling adore each other and it's not fair that I have to try to explain to a 6 year old who already has enough on her plate why nana has to have a serious operation and will be very sick for a while. She's already afraid of people dying - and I can't promise that is not going to happen! I don't promise such things but it's also been "there's no reason to worry about that for a very long time". Oh and mum lives in a different country. Fortunately we're booked to go over for half term anyway.
I have lovely friends who will be very supportive - once I tell them. This is me working up to such things by practising typing it first :) But also I think there's people here who get that extra layer of worry. That's it's not fair for a child who has already lost so much to be in danger of losing someone again so soon.
We're doing okay just now. Is this going to push her over the edge? And that this is one of those things were it can be so much harder doing this alone. I have no regrets whatsoever about being a single adopter, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone of my own to lean on when I've got the weary wobbles.
Still, at least I get to vent in a space larger than a blue bubble :)
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Post by leo on Oct 16, 2013 20:25:44 GMT
So sorry to hear about your Mum and can understand how difficult that will be to share with Starling.
I have found the local hospice to be very good in the past at advising/helping with how to word things and some good books to read with young children. I know they have no adoption experience but their advice has always been sound and I'm sure you could modify it where needed for your particular situation.
Meeting things for the second time round is lovely but does bring fresh challenges as you say. It can be helpful for children to start to question the permanence though, as it means they are processing some of the inconsistencies in their lives and it can help them feel more secure afterwards.
Take care of yoursefl during this tough time.
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Post by kstar on Oct 16, 2013 20:36:10 GMT
It sounds like you're doing an amazing job. From somewhere you will find the strength to find meaningful words to say to Starlet which will help her to understand. But yes it is really, really unfair to you both, and yes it will be very tough :-(
I don't really know what to say except that we are all here to vent to at any stage of the process!
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Post by phoebe on Oct 16, 2013 20:55:37 GMT
arethstar,
So sorry you are struggling with this. I have found it is the uncertainty that gets to you, the interminable waiting between appointments.
It's now six months since mum was first being investigated, and tbh it's been a roller coaster. At the outset, the fact her cancer was malignant and the size of her tumour suggested she would be looking at a very short prognosis. In fact, following radical surgery and very detailed monitoring, she appears to be currently free of the disease. Even her surgeon cannot believe it!
I know how hard it is to face telling little ones. As my two have very different relationships with her it was particularly tricky. in the end I went for very matter of fact information, very low key, but not making any promises. Both accepted it well. When asked if she would die, I explained none of us could tell yet but we hoped not for a long time. DD found lots of support in church, DS found the scientific approach more comforting. For me, it's been a chance to resolve the grief of losing my mum before I actually have to do that in front of my children, if that makes sense? It's given us a deeper acceptance of one another, chance to have the important conversations that a sudden death would never have allowed. I am not frightened of death, so have been able to support my mum, share my faith and give her much comfort. I do hope that you are as fortunate in your journey, and that your mum has her dignity throughout. Do you have a local priest or a workplace pastor you could talk with about this? It may give you some comfort. Prayers for you, your mum and Starling. x
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Post by knight on Oct 17, 2013 18:55:57 GMT
Thinking of you all, very very difficult x
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patanya
Bronze Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 50
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Post by patanya on Oct 17, 2013 21:11:56 GMT
Big hugs this is so so hard.
My advice take one day at a time. I lost my mum to cancer and know how awful I found it. However, you are strong, you can get through this, you can cope.
You have emotions and feelings and will have good and bad days.
I think it is important for you your mum knows you are there for her too.
Our LOs are more vulnerable because of their experiences but they are amazingly resilient too. There are practical ways of supporting her and organisations that can help.
We may not live near you but we are close by -PM me if you feel it will help x
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Post by lolapola on Oct 18, 2013 7:25:49 GMT
HI arethstar, Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
Look after yourself, I'm sending you lots of hugs and cups of tea (or hot beverage of your choice!)
Keep in touch with us all and let us know how you're all doing.
Lolapola xx
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 18, 2013 9:11:46 GMT
Hi
we are at similar stage to you, Simba home for 18 months and I recognise everything you describe - I am shattered !!
I'm sorry to hear about your mum, Simba loves his new nanny and I hope she will be around to see him into adulthood
As you mum lives abroad I was wondering if you need to tell Starling just yet ? At least until you have a clearer idea about the potential outcomes and timescales if its the worst case.
I hope you all have a super time together over half term
take care |
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Post by shadow on Oct 19, 2013 10:03:35 GMT
so sorry about your mum - otherwise sounds you are doing fantastically
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Post by moo on Oct 19, 2013 10:09:44 GMT
Hugs to you & esp your mum....
You are doing so well it is so tuff already... I admire your zen attitude your mum will be so proud of you for that...
Enjoy cuddles & deep chat over half term..... 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by imp on Oct 19, 2013 21:23:31 GMT
So sorry to hear about your Mum. Just a thought, would it help to talk to your Mum about all the things you really want to say to her? Both my parents developed dementia, and it is my great regret that I didn't talk to them about so many things while had the chance.
Perhaps you could also make a memory box with Starling, sharing all your memories, and things that are important to link Starling and your Mum.
Even if your Mum isn't as ill as feared, it might be a help to Starling as you live in a different country to mum, so would keep her 'closer' to Starling.
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Post by vickyvixen on Oct 20, 2013 19:58:52 GMT
Just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about your mum - having now lost both my parents I know how hard it is (especially with my mum) without the added complications of lo.
I hope your mum finds out all she needs to know quickly and then at least you'll know what you're dealing with. It's tough being on your own and having to be strong for other people - but don't forget you don't have to be strong with us. We're here for you x
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arethstar
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 29
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Post by arethstar on Oct 24, 2013 19:33:34 GMT
Thanks everyone. I've been on these boards long enough to know there's always support here when needed, but it's still very touching to be on the receiving end. We've had a good visit home (despite a touch of lurgy). Positivity abounds and we're all cautiously optimistic that surgery will be effective. It's going to be a painful surgery with a lengthy recovery time so we will need to be creative around Christmas, but we are hopeful. I have mentioned to Starling that Nana needs to have an operation. I know I don't strictly have to, but I make a big deal with her that I will always tell her the truth - even the stuff that's hard to hear - that I don't want to shy away from it now. She of course doesn't need to know all the details, just what is relevant at the time! Anyway, I think my mum deserves to have get well soon cards sent by her granddaughter  Meanwhile little girl's struggles with that horrendous shame continue but we're dealing with it calmly. And waiting for that first contact letter from BPs - not that she knows I'm expecting that this month. Thanks again for everyone's kind words, advice, thoughts and prayers. It's all appreciated. |
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Post by annie70 on Oct 24, 2013 19:48:54 GMT
so sorry to hear about your mum arethstar... and yes, your mum deserves cards from Starling... keeping everything crossed that she makes a good recovery Ax
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Post by moo on Oct 29, 2013 17:24:40 GMT
arethstar well done for handling this traumatically sad situation so well..... Starling sounds very well grounded by your truth pact...... 
It will so help your mum & starling to have this bond by card & letters post op.....
{{{to you all }}}
Xx. moo. Xx
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arethstar
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 29
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Post by arethstar on Nov 1, 2013 20:06:18 GMT
Well it looks like surgery should be Monday if there's a bed available. Keeping distracted at the moment but will be glad when this bit is over. Like Phoebe67 says, the waiting and uncertainty between steps is the hardest. Hmm, reminds me a bit of the adoption process Still, it's great to hear of the positive outcomes others have experienced. Reminds me there's plenty to be optimistic about. Still, I'm glad I have a busy few days of work ahead of me next week. Starling has settled a little bit - or maybe I've just finally got my zen groove going in dealing with the tantrums and opposition She's actually trying really hard to make the right choices. She was proud as punch a few days ago when I told her what a great choice it was to tell me she was feeling angry that morning so that I could help her and ask her teacher to help her. But I've also had to fight back the urge to say "No you're not! No you're not!" when she told me today she's bad because her birth mum was bad. Poor kid having to carry that around with her. |
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Post by moo on Nov 2, 2013 6:02:55 GMT
{{{{aretstar dd & mum }}}}
Hope the surgery is a resounding success....
Well done you for handling things so well with dd..... So much harder for you right now xx.
Thoughts are with you xx
Xx. moo. Xx
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arethstar
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 29
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Post by arethstar on Jan 2, 2014 19:45:52 GMT
Hope everyone has survived Christmas in the best way possible! There's been good news here about my mum. The doctors are satisfied they have cut out *all* the cancer, there's no sign of spreading, and no need for further treatment. Yay! Mum is still struggling with recovery and having 1/3 less of one lung. Pain was a major issue as she turned out to be intolerant to opiates (although to be honest she was really worried about being on morphine and its addictive nature so brain and body may have colluded on rejecting it). Lately the worst of it has been gastric troubles. We were home for 10 days over Christmas and she was really struggling the first five. Then things just turned around and got much better very fast! Maybe it was change in pain medication once her stomach was able to cope, or maybe it was laughter therapy as Starling recited the school nativity in full for the nth time But by the time we left, she was doing light housework and preparing and eating meals again - and without the shadow of further treatment overhead. That counts as a very good Christmas in my book! Starling was brilliant at being gentle and checked every time before a hug which side was sore. Her anxiety has gone down a bit for seeing her nana is still her nane even if she's poorly. She also went off to spend the night with my sister without batting an eyelid! Next morning she asked if she could sleep over two nights - but we think that may be because she hoped to get pancakes for breakfast again She has been testing the "delegated authority" boundaries with my sister and parents but has been finding them to be very much present. Usual Christmas collywobbles of course around birth family and new family. And in many ways, this is her first second Christmas - the first time she's spent a Christmas in the same place as the last. But a nice time to reflect on the changes in her since last Christmas. She's that bit more confident (and cheeky!). So much more at ease with the family. It's hard to imagine now that she had a noticeable speech delay last year. Oh and this year the top two front teeth are missing. Last year it was the bottom two. She's been told not to go for the "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" hatrick next year... |
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Post by mrmlegal on Jan 2, 2014 20:15:55 GMT
Sounds like the best possible news you could wish for in 2014. I hope that your Mum recovers completely very quickly.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 21:05:19 GMT
Oh wow thanks for your update Arethstar. So pleased to hear about your mum doing so well that sounds sooooo positive and great that Starling seems so much more settled this year keeping everyone's spirits up. Would love to have heard the nativity recital.  |
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Post by moo on Jan 3, 2014 7:33:20 GMT
Oh wow arethstar.... Thanx so much your news its truly wonderful..... So so happy for you all..... Your relief & happiness just jumps off the page....
Well done starling.... She really is relaxed... Loving the pancake excuse for more sleepovers!!!
Heres to a Happy & Healthy 2014....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by chotimonkey on Jan 3, 2014 13:22:20 GMT
So happy to hear your year is starting with some good news
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