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Post by topcat on Mar 2, 2017 9:56:04 GMT
When I first heard of adopted children regressing to younger behaviour I thought I wouldn't mind because it would give me a chance to do things I hadn't done for them and I could see the logic in this being a way to 'fill in the gaps' of their development and attachment...I have to confess though, I hate it!
Why do I hate it? I've been asking myself this in the last 24 hours and I'm wondering if there's a pattern to when it happens which influences how I feel about it. At the moment it is very definitely an alternative to the extreme violence and aggression we have experienced recently and both children are doing it. With the attachment ideas in one's head one might think, ahh, they are looking for reassurance and trying to reconnect etc etc except, given recent events, I can't help thinking...CONTROL.
So I'm thinking perhaps this has always come after big challenges : I'm tired and worn out so this new demand to be especially 'mothering' and doting is draining, I'm suspicious and on edge and I know the baby voices are put on so I don't trust/believe their behaviour, I feel like I've given them everything I can and the implication that I'm not caring enough-oh how the invisible scratches and bruises hurt - enrages me.
Sooo, it seems I need to find a way to be playful, accepting, curious and empathic about this behaviour whilst maintaining MY control and all our normal boundaries - right?
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Post by esty on Mar 2, 2017 14:29:37 GMT
Even if they are put on its because of a need in him to do it. I would see the regression as less of a control thing as they really have to open themselves up to do it. I think it takes a lot of trust to regress. I know when LM is either stressed or recovering from a period of stress I become "mummy" again. You could always go into an "act" yourself and then they are not controlling you, you are choosing to be the earth mother supreme! Try a little bit of over the top mothering in as genuine a voice as you can muster and see whether that changes the regression or whether they actually grab it and go with it. If they grab it I would err on the side of genuine regression. I feel your 'pain' though as after particularly trying behaviour the last thing I want to do is mummy!
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Post by sooz on Mar 2, 2017 17:43:41 GMT
I'm afraid that im on the control thing. I feel this with snooz, it feels like 'let's see how much I can get her to do for me' and it doesn't feel at all like he opening himself up.
There are times when he'll ask for hugs and pretend to be a babe in arms, this I do go with.
I also don't have a lot of capacity left for extra effort these days.
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Post by esty on Mar 2, 2017 18:40:48 GMT
I took it that it was quite a long way regression. If not as Sooz.
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Post by topcat on Mar 3, 2017 8:45:34 GMT
Well he's just come down with a tummy bug so I can do some genuine mothering anyway...I think I'll work on a little mantra which tries to reassure them but also stops me feeling manipulated, thanks for thoughts.
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Post by daffin on Mar 3, 2017 9:04:12 GMT
Hi Topcat.
You and me are living in the same universe at the moment!
I'm having to do a lot of faking (uber earth mother nonsense) for MB at the mo. It's hard when I'm having sleepless nights and endless meeting with professionals about adjusting his treatment plan. I feel spent. And battered. And psychologically damaged.
I find it hard to pull out the super duper maternal part of me, when I'm feeling so exhausted and sorry for myself (and targeted and provoked!). I can't keep pace with MB's rapid shifts in mood, I still feel angry and resentful when he's moved on and wants to do goo goo ga ga in my lap.
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Post by esty on Mar 3, 2017 13:10:52 GMT
Topcat - the other thing I think is that its very likely to be real regression as you have changed his environment dramatically. Well both of their environments. He's been going along being angry and obnoxious and ramped up (for example, not sure how he was) and now you have changed and are presenting as a totally different person possibly. I'm not surprised if he was actually quite traumatised by it all and regression will be a way of reassuring himself that you are still a mummy to him?  These are just suggestions. I have no idea but just know that the change in you will likely be causing all sorts of jolts in him. |
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Post by mudlark on Mar 3, 2017 22:35:50 GMT
I completely resonate with this thread. It is so very difficult to 'feel like' doing the mummy to toddler routine, to your nearly eight year old, especially when at other times she is perfectly able to reason her way round an argument, or try and justify hurting her brother. And when she wants me to feed her, dress her, and respond to the toddler-esque demands, particularly after a difficult day, I really don't feel like doing it. Totally get what Daffin/Topcat are saying.
But I believe what our therapist tells me, that although there may be elements of control and splitting ( of me and Mr M) that actually at a very core level she DOES need the regression and will in the long run benefit from it.
I think as we all know and feel, having to adjust your own emotional responses to the ever changing, endless muddle and mayhem presented by our LO's leaves us with very little capacity for soft mummy nurture. It feels at times like a cuckoo in the nest stealing all the nurture from everyone else, and that will never be satisfied. It feels like that, but somehow we must put that feeling aside and remember that this little chick is fighting to survive and being a baby is a desperate attempt to get us to be their mummy. Having had a hard day with my little chick, really feel for us all!
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Post by topcat on Mar 5, 2017 9:03:07 GMT
I just don't know Mudlark, but the cuckoo analogy is a good one...
Before Christmas I took Brains's request for help with clothes and closeness while changing in and out of pyjamas as him struggling with other stuff. In the early days of the kids coming we had tried to strike a balance between acknowledging feelings and sticking with routines but this time I totally went for the nurturing, telling myself the routines were fixed enough that I needn't worry. Before too long I was not 'allowed' to leave the room in the morning, he would not agree to doing any of the next steps in the routine without making more demands on me, it became a nightmare.
I really think we have to be careful. In hindsight I think I was wrong, he needed me to stand firm not bend to his ways. Esty talks about being a rock and I know what she means.
Our support worker talked about, given the age of our particular kids, seeing it as ok when it is a game but having age appropriate expectations when it isn't. She said we could check with them which it was. I find that quite a helpful response, or I have asked them, "Hello, who's this? How old are you?" in a playful voice so we can turn it into a game and by implication, bring the game to an end at some point. As Sooz though I can also respond to a straight forward need for a cuddle and closeness.
BB will 'play' baby very readily and she is the one for whom I feel our nurturing (not just at baby times) of the last 3 years has been "filling in the gaps in the wall".
Brains will act like a 2 year old and I really feel he sees the nurturing as his right or him getting one over us, any bricks we've managed to add just fall out at the moment of anxiety and that's when he actually needs 'a rock' again ( a want to say he needs us to be his scaffolding but really I'm killing myself with my own metaphors!)
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Post by esty on Mar 5, 2017 9:13:16 GMT
:-)
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Post by sivier on Mar 5, 2017 23:19:15 GMT
Another one here with similar demands from an almost 8 year old...it sometimes feels very controlling, yet is one of the few times DD will actually cuddle in tight and let me, for example, stroke her face tenderly (instead of briefly 'enduring' before pulling away as she normally would). She's very good indeed at getting me to do the regression game - I find it hard always to be available especially when I've been somewhat wound up by her. But I do feel she gets something elemental from it, other than control. Anyway I feel your collective pain....
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These are just suggestions. I have no idea but just know that the change in you will likely be causing all sorts of jolts in him.
