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Post by flutterby on Oct 15, 2013 20:54:35 GMT
I have been puzzling over this for a while now. LO has just turned 2. We are about 4 months into placement now and everyone, including professionals, keep telling me how well LO is doing, what fabulous strides she has made in terms of attachment...
However, I keep worrying and thinking that it is still far too early days for real attachment. A bond with me, yes, definitely. But I wonder whether this is not a coping mechanism at the moment. I wonder whether she prefers me over others because as a means of self-preservation and that she figures, if she plays ball, she will not be abandoned again.
How do you tell the difference between going through the motions and the real thing? I keep thinking that if she has bonded with me so quickly, would she do that with anyone else out there, who would care to show her a bit of attention for a week or two? And if that were the case, how damaged is she really? Is she really able to attach? What are the subtle differences between a bond and real attachment?
Sorry if this sounds a bit incoherent. Hoping that some of you who adopted a few years ago can look back at your own journey and give me some pointers in the right direction. Thanks.
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Post by fruitcake on Oct 15, 2013 21:06:21 GMT
I think the best way to distinguish between bonding and attachment is that bonding = she likes you and attachment = she trusts you.
My second daughter bonded with me very quickly but trust was a long time coming. So she loved being with me, hated being away from me, enjoyed my presence hugely, had separation anxiety etc. but would tell lies rather than be caught out doing anything she thought would make me cross, and was reluctant to confide in me, was prematurely self-reliant in some ways, etc. She is still like this now, aged 16, to an extent, but has improved immeasurably.
It is great that she likes you so much though and the attachment will come, bit by bit. I would just say relax, enjoy your daughter, be compassionate about her slowness in trusting and it will all come in time - probably more quickly if you can stop worrying about it too much. It is all very normal.
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Post by kstar on Oct 15, 2013 21:13:25 GMT
I am only at about the same stage as you are, but perhaps with an older child who is intelligent and verbal it is a little different...
I thought we were "attaching" well to start with, because I fell for the hype and for my own expectations. But now, just in the last couple of weeks, it has started to feel different, and I now really genuinely feel the stirrings of proper attachment. She no longer looks surprised to see me when I wake her up for school, there is no hesitation in recognizing and responding to me. She talks a lot more about our future and doesn't seem so obsessed with the word "forever" which was a comfort blanket at first. She has finally started crying Ina. Very age appropriate way when she hurts herself, whereas to start with everything was either a massive end of the world drama or nothing at all. She asks about my day when we haven't been together, as if she needs to understand what my life is like away from her. She talks about what life was like for both of us before she moved in, and asks me how I felt at different stages of the process. She now screams that she hates me when I put boundaries in place and has even said she wants to go back to FCs - all said in anger in a very natural way, like I hear other kids doing all the time. None of this would have been mentioned in the honeymoon phase!
But also differences for me. I no longer wonder how she will react or what she will want to do/ eat/ drink... I just know. I don't count the days anymore, it just is what it is. When she's ill or hut it breaks my heart and I would do anything to take that pain away. I daydream about what the future might hold - not ambitious university/ profession/ Nobel prize kind of way but about her first day at secondary, holidays we might go on, the first time she goes out without me... I don't stop and ask myself why she is here, why i have been so blessed with her or what on earth I am doing... She's just part of my life. Sometimes I even catch myself trying to remember what she was like as a baby or a toddler because for a split second I forget she wasn't mine!!
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Post by ceci on Oct 15, 2013 21:17:02 GMT
Hi Flutterby
I think you're spot on.
My 19 month old dd bonded quickly with me too, but her early separations (only from birth mother and foster carer - fewer separations than a lot of children), means that her ability to trust has been damaged. I love her, she loves me, but that doesn't mean she has healthy attachment. She's wary of trust - it's like she can't let herself trust (even though I think she would love to), and it shows itself in a range of behaviours. It has become more apparent as she has got older. Maybe read a bit about attachment styles.
All the bonding you do with your little one will help with the development of healthy attachment but it's a bit naive of professionals to talk that way about attachment. I guess their understanding isn't as good as yours. 
Ceci
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Post by leo on Oct 15, 2013 21:21:52 GMT
Two and a half years in and Tsunami told me this week that he 'likes' me. Huge progress for him.
I would say that I have a very good bond with both of my boys. Hurricane is starting to show some attachment type behaviours (separation anxiety, running to me and only me when he is hurt, coming to me if he has a nightmare). Tsunami would I think still accept being moved to another family and after a few weeks be displaying the same type of 'bond' that he does with me; I think he sees it as needing to keep me close for safety reasons rather than actually trusting or loving me.
It took 9 months for Hurricane to first call me Mummy - and another month after that for Tsunami to give in and call me that too!
I would definitely say though that our bond has become stronger and stronger over time.
It will happen, and sometimes the wait makes it all the more precious when it does!
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Post by abiee on Oct 16, 2013 8:57:29 GMT
I like the Louise Bomber book -Inside I'm Hurting. It is about school really but gives a good explanation of attachment and attachment styles. Bruce Perry - the boy who was raised as a dog is another very readable book with an excellent explanation of how the early days affect brain development
The brain develops according to the environment so much of attachment is fixed because the brain has already developed
Cognitively our children may know/believe they are secure with use but, because of the attachment style and early development, may be more prone insecurities especially at stressful times
I dont know if I am wording this very well
I think of it as like a blue print. I want to be always calm and reasonable with my children- that is my intelligence and cognitive reasoning and choice
When my buttons are pushed too far I can shout like an old fishwife- this is my emotional response and is likely due to my own upbringing (which was unremarkable but I was expected to do as I was told without argument)
So, IMO, at stressful times we revert back to our blueprint which is a base, emotional level and many of our children ( I think most ) will be insecure due to early life events
Does any of this actually make any sense to anyone but me??
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2013 11:12:09 GMT
Hi Flutterby,
I don't know if you've seen it already, but there is a similar discussion going on on the Approved Prospective Adopters Board entitled "The myth of instant attachment" started by Sockthing which you may find useful to read, as a lot of it is relevant to what you are saying.
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Post by flutterby on Oct 16, 2013 11:29:36 GMT
Thanks everyone. Really useful information from all of you. Yes, I saw the thread by Sockthing, JMK, which prompted me to post this.
The trouble with having adopted a little one is - she cannot express herself verbally. So it is often guesswork, what is really going on. What did worry me was that she has never mentioned foster carers since she has been placed with us. Yes, her speech is limited, but I suppose I was expecting her to cry after them? She has not been sleeping well and has been grinding her teeth a lot although this is getting better and we are now sometimes get her giggling with us properly and her not looking quite so tense and serious.
I suppose like everyone, I wish I could just take all the pain away from her, wipe the slate clean and start over again.
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Post by sivier on Oct 16, 2013 13:00:37 GMT
Such an interesting question flutterby and great answers. Four months is such a tricky stage in working out what's what attachment wise. When I look back at photos of our AD after four months with us (she was 18 months at placement) I see how tense and closed her little face is, even in photos of her 'having fun', if you know what I mean. Photos of her now (three years in) show a really open expressive face and whilst she is still an anxious child at times, that day-to-day very high level of anxiety has reduced massively, allowing her to start to trust.
And sometimes, even when the language develops, it's still about actions. For a long time my AD would receive affection from me but never initiate it. Last week as she and I were walking along hand in hand she lifted my hand to her lips, kissed it, laid my hand against her cheek, kissed it twice again and then carried on. No words spoken. Seems such a little thing but for me it felt significant. This doesn't take away from her difficulty to trust in general, but there seems to have been a shift, a new depth to her feelings which is all going in a good direction. So there will be little things you observe and feel impossible for you or anyone else to predict!
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Post by happyone on Oct 16, 2013 14:13:07 GMT
As a Fc my two peneth ... 13 months into placement I have been rejected so many times for other half it was so noticeable by others she was compared to a sticky plaster with him. But the last few weeks well she's slowly coming to me for hugs kisses and general comfort " it feels good" but it takes time x
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Post by jollymummy on Oct 16, 2013 14:41:10 GMT
Abiee - it makes perfect sense!
My son's play therapist explained it to him yesterday in terms of three areas of the brain.
Area 1 - the reptilian brain which is the first to develop and controls autonomous functions such as breathing etc as well as motor functions
Area 2 - the mammalian brain which develops during the earliest years - controls emotions. Toddlers have tantrums partly cos this is underdeveloped so they cannot control their emotions
Area 3 - the rational brain - which develops last. This area controls our executive functions - impulse control, rational thinking, cognition etc.
How she explained my daughters' problems is that when parented well the child learns how to soothe - using area 3 and controlling their emotions and (possibly) their physical/autonomous reactions (i.e. crying/reactions to stress, etc.). When this process doesn't happen the rational brain does not develop properly. As Abiee says usually, the child does not present with significant problems because they can keep their emotions in check. However, at times of stress (such as adolescence) their emotions take over and they are unable to behave rationally. This is exacerbated during adolescence by the fact that their frontal lobes are going through another development stage. Double whammy!!! JM
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