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Post by mudlark on Jan 28, 2017 23:25:48 GMT
We have been having a babysitter coming nearly every week for about 3 months now. The babysitter is a lady in her late fifties who has worked in childcare and has previous experience of adopted children who have suffered trauma. The children seem to have accepted her and although Lapwing has been a little tricky with her nothing has been too out of the ordinary. Until this week. On our return this week the babysitter reported usual turning lights on and off from Lapwing but nothing more.
However the next day both children told me that the babysitter has become annoyed with Lapwing , grabbed her and thrown her on the bed resulting in Lapwing hurting herself and crying. They also told me they had been elbowing and shoving the babysitter which in part seems to have been why she got annoyed. When I emailed the babysitter asking if she could shed any light on the events, she denied any grabbing, throwing or physical contact with Lapwing.
I am aware that Lapwing is very challenging and that she lies and that she manipulates people. It is obviously not acceptable for the babysitter to use force with my children, and I really don't know what the truth of the matter is. I want my children to know and believe I will protect them, that I believe them and that I put them first. I know they don't like me going out and don't like being looked after by anyone else, but previously we had not been out at all for 3 years. I am not sure what I am asking here, but I feel this is new territory for me as the children have never made any allegations against any grown-up since being with us. Lapwing is very tuned in to people's weakness and is quick to find a way of getting the emotional upper hand, it's part of her survival strategy. I don't want this to be the start of a long line of babysitter's she gets rid of, on the other hand I need a babysitter I can trust to tell me the truth and be effective with the children.....Any thoughts?
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Post by esty on Jan 29, 2017 8:56:17 GMT
It could be lapwings way of getting rid of the babysitter. Can you ask each child separately what they think happened and then see if they are so similar it has to have some truth. Or so dissimilar that it is obviously not true. Wouldn't the babysitter with her experience phone you if there were any issues. Or could in the end if you continue with the sitter set an agreement with her and children present what boundaries and rules are in place and what will happen if this happens or that happens. But the result does not/should not put lapwing in controlling position i.e. Not have a get sitter out clause. With bbsitter have an alternative plan. If you think they are telling the truth then bbsitter does need to go so they can see you protecting them. Also is there anyone who knows of bbsitter who could say what they've seen her like under stress i.e. How she reacts? Awful situation. I've had to let carer go this year due to what another carer told me. Not physical but emotional. Really awful time for me as didn't know who was being truthful.
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Post by mudlark on Jan 29, 2017 13:42:05 GMT
Yes Esty I have a strong suspicion that part of this is to try and get rid of the babysitter. The babysitter turned up this morning quite early very upset at the whole situation and wanting to talk to me. She admits she has not been telling me how difficult Lapwing has been as she didn't want to ruin my night off. She realises this was a mistake and wants to try again. I will need to think about this as I still am not sure who is telling the truth. I do not want to send the wrong message to the children and I need to think carefully about how to deal with it! We have had a similar issue at school where Lapwing has effectively got out of her spending lunchtimes with her 121. It feels like the beginningof a pattern emerging......
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Post by esty on Jan 29, 2017 13:49:06 GMT
Can you go back a notch and have bbs left with kids for 30 mins you go back and reward in some way for positive behaviour? Leave bbs with one child at a time for a while so she builds up a different relationship with each child?
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Post by jmk on Jan 29, 2017 14:20:57 GMT
Tricky one.
I agree with Esty, see if you can speak to both children seperately to confirm if their version of events match.
The fact that the sitter wanted to talk to you about it is a good sign. She's not denying it happened and seems to want to put things to right. I get her saying she didn't want to spoil your night out, but I think you need to speak to ber about being more open about how difficult Lapwing can be.
I would guess she was struggling and maybe not as patient as normal. I'm not condoning her behaviour at all, but if it was a momentary lapse of patience and she now realises she was over the top, I'd be inclined to have a long chat with her stating you really need to know exactly how Lapwing has been behaving. In other words, I'd give the sitter a second chance.
She does sound good and as I said, it may well have been a momentary lapse which she deeply regrets. The good thing is, now she knows you are aware of it and that Lapwing has told you, it is even less likely to happen again. Perhaps tell her if things get that tricky, to phone you for advice. The mere fact of her stopping to phone you, could diffuse any future stressful situations.
Also have a word with the children and let them know that you and sitter have spoken and are working together so that Lapwing can't cause splitting between you. Depending on the outcome of tbe discussion with sitter. If she does admit to being less than patient, then maybe an apology from her to Lapwing might repair tbe damage and lack of trust?
Hope you do get to the bottom of it and have a positive outcome.
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Post by monkey on Jan 29, 2017 19:50:52 GMT
We now have cameras set up in our house which trigger recording via motion sensors. Obviously doesn't cover every corner but gives us some ammunition when challenging LO ("shall I go and check on the camera?").
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Post by mudlark on Jan 30, 2017 20:08:35 GMT
I spoke to Peewit and Lapwing again about the babysitter and both gave further detail about the her pushing Lapwing. I asked the babysitter if she would be willing to conceded she got things wrong and maybe apologise to Lapwing, I said I totally understood how frustrating Lapwing was and I had myself got cross many times.
She has replied to say that in her book she should be the one receiving an apology, she was quite unpleasant about Lapwing and wants nothing further to do with the children.
Oh well, that is the first babysitter down. What it does tell me is that I need to put in writing a profile of the kinds of behaviour a babysitter might expect, the feedback I want after each session. And maybe as Monkey has done, camera's in the bedroom? I feel let down that this experienced babysitter did not keep us informed of the relationship breakdown with Lapwing, and is not willing to accept that she handled the situation rather badly.
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Post by monkey on Jan 30, 2017 21:06:27 GMT
Oh Mudlark, what a disappointment but so pleased that you've got to the bottom of it for you and for the children.
It's so difficult; we know how difficult it is parenting our kids - others see us from a distance and think it can't be that hard. Someone commented to me how happy and content LO looked this morning. We were "playing trains" running around the lines on the basketball court whilst she was munching on a huge carrot. A lovely, carefree sight to my colleague but keeping her occupied / preventing her biting / shouting obscenities / satisfying sensory needs etc were all in my mind! Very few people could have managed her behaviour this morning but from the outside this wasn't apparent.
We've tried teenage girls with lots of energy but who haven't got the presence / authority to say no, grandma types who feel that they can fix her with rewards and other adopters, who try really hard but get worn down. The best we have found is Teaching Assistants from specialist schools.
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Post by moo on Jan 31, 2017 7:30:15 GMT
Xx Hugs xx mudlark xxxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by daffin on Jan 31, 2017 8:00:09 GMT
Very, very disappointing!
How could the babysitter refuse to apologise? I'm a bit stunned, really! I can understand that she felt in need of an apology, too, as challenging behaviour makes me feel quite battered sometimes, but that doesn't make getting physical with a child acceptable and surely she must realise that - her response must come from guilt. Or ignorance?
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Post by mudlark on Jan 31, 2017 10:50:35 GMT
Yes, I was stunned too Daffin, I think her rather aggressive email was both guilt and ignorance. I feel strangely depressed today and don't feel like looking for another babysitter, but I know if I leave it too long we will be back to square one with me not going out for another three years. This whole sorry experience has demonstrated how little others, even those who tell me about their life time experience of caring for children, understand and 'get' trauma, and all the related issues that our children and we have to shoulder. It is like describing what an orange tastes like to someone who has never had an orange, until they taste it for themselves they cannot really know what an orange is like or how their taste buds will react.
It's a minefield isn't it, negotiating the endless relationships we and our children need to have and doing our best to manage them all, teachers, social workers, therapists, friends, family, it is seemingly never straightforward.
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Post by topcat on Jan 31, 2017 12:24:03 GMT
Maybe she surprised herself in her reaction to Lapwing, maybe she has never experienced that part of herself and in the same way she does not know how to defend or explain it. I personally feel endlessly guilty that I'm not getting it right, I'm exacerbating the behaviour. I think it would take a kind of super-human confidence to weather some of the behaviours we weather here and not worry what others' would do or say about it.
We all, and her livelihood may depend on it, tread a precarious line when it comes to "getting physical" with a child. As you say Mudlark, you cannot know the taste till you've actually tasted it but an apology on her part may have left her vulnerable much as it does in a car accident which may or may not be your fault. An angry email probably says as much about her anger in herself as the situation. Still, she has the advantage of being able to walk away and I think it just goes to show how much you and Mr Mudlark cope with that someone so experienced should take that option.
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 31, 2017 12:24:09 GMT
What a shame Mudlark. You are right you must not give up. TAs sound like a good idea
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Post by daffin on Jan 31, 2017 14:10:40 GMT
Have you spoken to social services about Respite?
We've been getting 6 hours a week for about 18 months. It's given me time to spend 1 to 1 with Mouse, and (frankly) has reduced the amount of time I'm around Monkey Boy's rage and behaviours.
We now also have a Care and Support Worker, who is a former foster carer, former trainer in a Youth Offenders' detention centre (!!) and worked for a year supporting a family with their severely autistic son. She helps us provide MB with one to one, as he is unsafe otherwise.
Social Services have just agreed to contribute to her salary, though they'll review that again periodically.
Is this something that you could ask social services for help with?
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