Still Struggling with my expectations and acceptance.

Birthday hugs June - wishing you good health and contentment.

It was my dh's birthday too and no card or call from ds so can empathise at the sadness that missing small gesture from them causes - their birthdays are always pain filled in one way or another with remembrances of their life with you and the love and care they did have, birth family memories and the reality of their lives today - so who better to punish I'm afraid - dd despite her current conflict and emotional ups and downs managed to leave a card for him on the breakfast table signed from x - no love from this year...together with a chocolate orange hastily wrapped which she knows is his longstanding childhood favourite (as we only do token silly gifts). So something still there despite all...

It's hard June - I think dh and I have wrestled with expectations at times and now think about it it terms of hopes - We hoped that we could have given them enough reparenting to spare them from the chaotic sad and dangerous lives of their parents. We hoped that they had a sense of feeling safe in their beds at night, feeling comforted when they were frightened or sick, knowing what it is to be carefree from their emotional burdens even for moments when they gasped at a firework exploding in a chill night sky - some of those things we achieved didn't we and many many more things besides not least their spluttering attempts at independence and the paths they are all taking - ok may be not as you or I hoped at all but they are out there somehow coping with all that life is continuing to throw at them. Even my so far failure to launch dd is trying despite all that life threw at her in her most vulnerable years - given their early lives I could have expected them not even to try such is the weight they will carry all their days. I didn't have any expectations about the daily courage they show just to keep surviving their complicated lives but I do hope what they have so far endured makes them more resilient to what will yet occur.

Some of our children will get back on track as they mature probably a lot later than most, some will continue to struggle - all that time and effort not least the joint window washing sessions - remember those June - does count - it's in there tussling with everything else for them right now. Maybe now isn't the time for Sunday roasts and happy families for you or many of us - and it is painful to be reminded that others seem to be living a happy conventional life when we can only hope for perhaps a rare conjunction every now and then at best for the fortunate few, maybe it is just time for you and your dh to step back and retrench and start to heal and enjoy the calm after the storms - and other things may come later on you can at least hope....but you and your dh have to be there still standing when that day comes for each of them. Days to hope for maybe...

What you have endured and come through - did you ever expect that - but here you are birthday girl - battle weary maybe but still standing! Enjoy your birthday, week, month ...and all the vagaries of this seemingly fickle life - you like the rest of us were never destined for the carousel of life so make the roller coaster highs count. You wouldn't be human if some days weren't a struggle and painful things just jab at your heart but you will gather yourself again and such days will pass as they do and you will know you are not the only one enduring because somehow you missed something or didn't do something or expected more of yourself or your children or life. We grieve June and we will grieve for ourselves and our children - it's much more than a missing card. Be kind to yourself - understanding (rather than acceptance) does come slowly and makes the pain a little easier.

Much love and strength ol' gal!

Mxx