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Post by aprilshowers on Jun 4, 2016 10:38:56 GMT
although I have set my bar low I am still surprised that I am often let down, I have tried to see it from the outside but sadly the things I would do are not what my children would do in a similar situation...even though we offer support all the way.
So more work on my part, or should I, should I just accept that I should have no expectations then therefor wont get it wrong.
but for the time being, there is no birthday card for me from littly, middly has stuff for me but needs her dad to go and get it...no mention of seeing me, bigly well not heard from him this week.
they are getting on with their lives, for those of you who remember me this is our worst time of year being all our birthdays in fairly quick sucession, on top of that grandson number 3 entered the world and is a sweet little thing, but as always with our kids everything is very much on their terms and we are just an afterthought in the grand scheme of things.
Grandchild number 4 will arrive in the autumn, there is very little in the way of communication with littly so any info I get is third hand, she recently had a LAC review the only one I have never attended...I lost my mum in april and had used up all my compassionate leave and to be honest I've had enough of these pointless meetings, nothing changes, no support to build bridges etc, but in the post was the minutes of sorts, littly does not want to see us...shame that, her brother tries hard to get her to see us but that normally ends in tears. so it is likely that I will know nothing of this baby, all I do know is that she is not with the dad and now has a new boyfriend who has said he will support her through the pregnancy even though its not his...more drama and worries.
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Post by mrmlegal on Jun 4, 2016 11:01:37 GMT
I feel for you. I've been lucky enough not to have massive problems with my 2 although DD2 did cause a bit of grief in her teens. Accordingly, I had not set my bar low. However, DD1 has just shocked me by spending 6 months of her life living a lie - told neither me nor her sister of her circumstances. Fortunately nothing dire but she has now lost the trust she had - I thought I could always rely on her.
What I find really comforting is that DD2 changed fairly dramatically after she reached about 21 and is now a constant companion at the weekends and about to marry her partner. I do hope that you find that maturity does change yours - hopefully for the better.
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Post by shadow on Jun 4, 2016 16:52:27 GMT
Oh April -so sad
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Post by serrakunda on Jun 4, 2016 18:01:37 GMT
(((((April))))))
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Post by leo on Jun 4, 2016 19:57:16 GMT
Happy birthday April. So sorry that your three have not been able to recognise your special day.
Mine are a lot younger, but I already at times struggle with my expectations - and mine are also set very low. Sadly, I think it is human, and definitely a sign of being a parent, to have expectations for and of our children. I wish I knew a way to stop feeling the pain associated with it though!
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Post by mudlark on Jun 4, 2016 21:14:22 GMT
April, although my two are still young I too struggle with managing my own feelings around my expectations for them. Sometimes they actually exceed my expectations and I feel happy and proud and on top of the world just as a mum should, sadly almost the very instant this happens something will bring this glass slipper of a moment tumbling down and breaking into tiny pieces, my heart with it.
I like to think there is always the capacity for people to change. You said in your post that perhaps you should have no expectations. I don't think you should have no expectations, I think life would feel too bleak if you didn't believe there was the possibility for things to get better. I hope they do. Mudlark.
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Post by moo on Jun 5, 2016 6:33:05 GMT
{{{April}}}
So sad reading your post...
I'm with mudlark try as we might I think basic expectations are hard to try & lose xxx
Happy Birthday xx
So sorry yours are all surviving in me mode xxx
You have given so much to them... at least they feel strong enough to cope in the world xxx that is totally down to you xxx
I hope you get to see & skweeze a grandchild xxxx
Many hugs xxxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by esty on Jun 5, 2016 8:52:56 GMT
Happy Birthday. No words really I just recognise what you feel and why you feel it. If possible can you find something that makes you feel fulfilled and therefore giving you more energy and strength to manage the knock backs/ignoring?
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Post by mooster on Jun 5, 2016 8:55:00 GMT
Sending you gentle hugs
I fully get the low expectations bar and them doing things so differently - our bar often seems very low and yet AD's choices seem to force it lower.
She is however surviving, nothing more really yet and I guess that is what disappoints. We so want her to survive and thrive. It is interesting how things that seem important to us; returning calls, turning up to work, paying your own way, not calling people names etc. seem so unimportant to her. Our values do not feel cherished.
It is however what it is and we keep a patient vigil waiting for something to happen and although now we have an empty nest we are able to do so much more of our own stuff again though there is always a little sadness that follows me about!
Aprilshowers take heart that they are surviving and you have given them tools to do that.
Mooster x
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Post by jmk on Jun 5, 2016 9:39:43 GMT
Happy Birthday April xx
Birthdays, Mothers day, Fathers day, Grandparents day, they are all hard for people like us because they are hard for our children too. Adopted children can have very mixed feelings on these days. It can often be a reminder to them of what could/should have been if their BP's were not the complex people they are and i think that can affect how our children react/feel on the day. Conversley some of them are just plain selfish and charge on in their own world without giving anyone else a second thought, but I bet if you forgot one of their birthdays, they would take it personally and would beat you up about it. We can't win really can we because we still care no matter where our children are living?
My advice would be for next year, you and DH go away for a weekend for your birthday. Do something nice and special for 'you'. You know you have given them your all and you know you deserve something nice for you and to do something to celebrate with your lovely DH. If you were away treating yourself, then you won't feel quite so let down or dissapointed if you don't get any cards or presents or acknowledgement from your children and who knows, maybe if you are not around on your birthday, they may even notice and phone you saying where are you, I've called round with your card/present.
Hugs, at least it's over for another year, now you've got Fathers day round the corner.
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Post by damson on Jun 5, 2016 15:47:12 GMT
Dear April, Happy Birthday, and happy planning alternative Fathers Day in due course. I was considering the idea of zero expectation, and whether this removes the pain of dashed expectations. I know that I feel sad at the lost opportunities - as Mooster says, they survive rather than thriving. Perhaps our values seem like a luxury to them, if they struggle to manage the basics? Then I remembered my father's technique for limiting the pain the world could cause him. He always expected the worst, so he was never disappointed. As his daughter, it didn't escape me that he was always expecting disaster, and that must surely have included me too? It's not a nice way to live, the death of hope. So how to live in between? I think with my big kids and even larger stepson, I have mostly let go. I guess this is an admission of low expectation, as I don't think they think about us much. Only in times of need! As the others say, go and have a nice time with DH, and bring the leftovers home in a doggy bag, just in case  Xxx Damson |
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Post by mayan on Jun 6, 2016 9:33:14 GMT
Birthday hugs June - wishing you good health and contentment.
It was my dh's birthday too and no card or call from ds so can empathise at the sadness that missing small gesture from them causes - their birthdays are always pain filled in one way or another with remembrances of their life with you and the love and care they did have, birth family memories and the reality of their lives today - so who better to punish I'm afraid - dd despite her current conflict and emotional ups and downs managed to leave a card for him on the breakfast table signed from x - no love from this year...together with a chocolate orange hastily wrapped which she knows is his longstanding childhood favourite (as we only do token silly gifts). So something still there despite all...
It's hard June - I think dh and I have wrestled with expectations at times and now think about it it terms of hopes - We hoped that we could have given them enough reparenting to spare them from the chaotic sad and dangerous lives of their parents. We hoped that they had a sense of feeling safe in their beds at night, feeling comforted when they were frightened or sick, knowing what it is to be carefree from their emotional burdens even for moments when they gasped at a firework exploding in a chill night sky - some of those things we achieved didn't we and many many more things besides not least their spluttering attempts at independence and the paths they are all taking - ok may be not as you or I hoped at all but they are out there somehow coping with all that life is continuing to throw at them. Even my so far failure to launch dd is trying despite all that life threw at her in her most vulnerable years - given their early lives I could have expected them not even to try such is the weight they will carry all their days. I didn't have any expectations about the daily courage they show just to keep surviving their complicated lives but I do hope what they have so far endured makes them more resilient to what will yet occur.
Some of our children will get back on track as they mature probably a lot later than most, some will continue to struggle - all that time and effort not least the joint window washing sessions - remember those June - does count - it's in there tussling with everything else for them right now. Maybe now isn't the time for Sunday roasts and happy families for you or many of us - and it is painful to be reminded that others seem to be living a happy conventional life when we can only hope for perhaps a rare conjunction every now and then at best for the fortunate few, maybe it is just time for you and your dh to step back and retrench and start to heal and enjoy the calm after the storms - and other things may come later on you can at least hope....but you and your dh have to be there still standing when that day comes for each of them. Days to hope for maybe...
What you have endured and come through - did you ever expect that - but here you are birthday girl - battle weary maybe but still standing! Enjoy your birthday, week, month ...and all the vagaries of this seemingly fickle life - you like the rest of us were never destined for the carousel of life so make the roller coaster highs count. You wouldn't be human if some days weren't a struggle and painful things just jab at your heart but you will gather yourself again and such days will pass as they do and you will know you are not the only one enduring because somehow you missed something or didn't do something or expected more of yourself or your children or life. We grieve June and we will grieve for ourselves and our children - it's much more than a missing card. Be kind to yourself - understanding (rather than acceptance) does come slowly and makes the pain a little easier.
Much love and strength ol' gal!
Mxx
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