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Post by sockthing on Apr 21, 2016 11:02:14 GMT
So I've been to the docs this morning and I am having the menopause aged 42.
Ive been crying buckets this morning. How I feel about it has taken me by surprise.
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Post by sooz on Apr 21, 2016 11:57:55 GMT
Yes, it's kind of like the end of an era right? Brings up feelings of loss. I felt similar after the medication I had to take stopped everything (not that I missed that!)
Mint tea and evening primrose for symptoms....and give yourself lots of time to process thoughts and feelings xxx
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Post by larsti on Apr 21, 2016 21:26:59 GMT
(((((Sockthing)))))
Larsti x
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Post by chotimonkey on Apr 21, 2016 21:39:50 GMT
((Sock thing)) xxxx havnt got any advice but sending hugs
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Post by gilreth on Apr 21, 2016 22:01:25 GMT
(((hugs))) it is hard - been through a lot myself.
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Post by milly on Apr 21, 2016 23:05:30 GMT
Sorry to hear that. I went through it in mid to late 40s and felt cheated. I kept thinking other women had periods for more years than me and that I was growing older quicker. I felt ashamed to tell people too (not that there's many people I would have told anyway!). It felt weird that my girls hadn't started periods before I finished them too.
But it does explain why we didn't have our own children - I read that basically you can't get pregnant within ten years of the menopause, and I was already in my thirties before we started ttc.
Anyway, sending hugs x
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Post by sockthing on Apr 22, 2016 8:28:18 GMT
No babies. They really never did happen.no miracle surprises Exactly Milly, thanks so much for sharing. I keep feeling like I am definitely past it, and old, and on the way out, and for what? I've had a decade of struggling with infertility and the adoption process, and now the next decade will be this. Ive never had any kind of career and haven't been in paid work since 2004 when we began IVF and went back to uni full time. I feel I've missed the boat on everything, not fertile and no work acheivments, and probably not employable, and never really explored who I am and what I am good at. It sounds utterly ridiculous because it not like I've been given a diagnosis of something terminal - we all go through it, and I've got loads of life left touch wood, but I think it's the fact it's so early that it's thrown me. If it was even 5 years later I don't know that I would feel like this. And yes I feel kind of embarrassed, and feel like DH won't find me attractive anymore. Sooz, yes, end of an era - now into my closing era!!! And loss - I keep thinking - where are all the babies I was supposed to have?? Which has really side-swiped me because I thought I had come to terms with that. A lot of confusing and fairly self-pitying thoughts tbh, but I already feel a bit better today and hopefully in a few weeks I may feel more come to terms with it? On the plus side it's making me want to re-examine my life and do something to change its course. Not sure how. Thanks everyone.
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Post by milly on Apr 22, 2016 9:26:57 GMT
The infertility thing is a funny one as it just hits every so often. I thought I was well over it years ago. Then a few days back a work colleague texted to say she was pregnant. We already suspected so it wasn't a surprise. Turned out she had got pregnant from her first IVF attempt at tbe age of 40. I suddenly felt tearful - tons of my acquaintances have had babies in recent years and I haven't been bothered (Well maybe a little pang) but finding that IVF had worked for someone who was over the age that I had IVF was different. I felt jealous that science has moved on and success rates are now higher etc.
I think reassessing life is common around your age / menopause. I've always worked but feel a failure for never pursuing the promotions I could have had and for staying in the same profession for 30 years when other people seem to switch regularly. Maybe we all have something to regret?
And I admit to occasionally wishing mine were birth kids and didn't have the issues they have - sometimes it all gets too much!
But remember, it's all just thoughts, not facts - that's what I've been told through mindfulness training.
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Post by serrakunda on Apr 22, 2016 10:33:23 GMT
Sockthing, setting aside the menopause and baby issues, 42 is no age, I completely changed my life at 40, I'd say that's when I really started living. I had a career of sorts, I could have done better, but hated it. So I left it behind and started on the path that eventully led me to Simba.
Ideally, what would you like to achieve or do with your life. Do you really crave a career, what is it do you think you have missed out on? I'm not convinced that most pepole with careers are that happy. Most people I know with seemingly successful careers are on a treadmill, stuck because they bought houses and cars that were more than they needed so now they have to finance a lifestyle that they are too exhausted to enjoy.
But I do think personal fulfilment is important.
I'm 50 now. I wish I'd had the courage to do what I did at 40 when I was 30, and not spend another 10 years on that treadmill. At 40 I went travelling in Africa for 6 months, I met some amazing pepole and saw how little so many people in the world exist on and how incredibly lucky I am to have my modest little house. That trip changed my perspective on life do much. But it also fulfilled some of my life's dreams, to see the pyramids, trek gorrilas, see a leopard in the wild, cross the Namib desert.
I do work now, in a job I don't particularly enjoy, because it gives me what I need for Simba. I suppose my fulfilment now come from him. For all our problems, he is doing incredibly well, I'm so very proud of him. He works so hard to overcome all his troubles but he couldn't do it without me. If I can see him grow into an independent young man, I thinkwill feel content with my life, that I have achieved something.
But I did also fufil my dreams of travelling before he came along and have so many incredible memories to look back on in my dotage.
What are your dreams?
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Post by flutterby on Apr 22, 2016 11:44:22 GMT
I am so glad about this post. Am due for a hysterectomy and all that entails and what you've written, Soothing, could have been written by me - well mostly. I'm not mourning the op, but feel like life has passed me by. That I feel quite forlorn and like I need to get back on my feet and do something. Sounds like you have done a lot, gone to uni, tried for kids, adopted etc. And on paper people may think I have done a lot. But there is still this feeling of not having been who I could have been, done what would have deeply fulfilled me and being scared that this is it. I'm just here to absorb everyone's problems and trauma, sorting their stuff and actually no-one really minds how I am as long as I function. Not great. In a way I'm looking forward to my op as it will give me the opportunity to do nothing for once in my life and for others to take care of me. Novel experience, I can tell you. And maybe this will also give me the opportunity to take stock and make new plans.
Maybe that is what you need too. Time and respite to take stock and start thinking about who you are as a person, what your needs are and then get some of them met.
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Post by loadsofbubs on Apr 22, 2016 14:14:08 GMT
I think, like serrkaunda, (and not to down play the feelings surrounding early menopause) that early 40's is a common age for a lot of women to feel many of the feelings you've all touched on. I know I did, and am only now hitting the big M now at almost 55, not quite there, haven't done my full 12 months clear yet, but almost. but at around 40 I hit a middle age crisis with the mourning of no more birth children, the 'what have I done with my life' feelings, and having left my husband the fear of being alone for the rest of my life becoz who'd want an overweight, middle aged me?. I did work through most of that, took a long time, did a degree, trained as a teacher, quit that once qualified and then started fostering-something I had wanted to do fulltime for around 20+ years and which, having worked through the no more birth children, no husband, not wanting to teach but fear of lack of income/pension etc I was actually free to then do. I still have those days when I think what have I achieved in life but am now better able to see that raising my children, birth and adopted and fostered is actually a huge achievement, and a very worthwhile one. and having now met a rather lovely chap in my mid 50's, even if it doesn't work out long term, the fact that he is even interested has helped to restore a lot of the self esteem that's been missing for years. with the crisis at 40 something felt almost terminal but did, eventually, kick start my life, and life is good again. so hang in there. work through the feelings of loss etc, wallow for as long as you need to and then start to look for the positives becoz they are there, you just cant see them right now.
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Post by mudlark on Apr 22, 2016 21:42:37 GMT
Lots of this resonanted with me. I have just turned 50, have not hit menopause yet, but I totally get the feelings of 'that's it then..no more children adopted or otherwise..I am now too old to have any more of either. I thank God every day that we adopted the two children we have now. But there is still a feeling of loss, regret, anger and sadness..for the children I never had.
My life didn't turn around until I was 40, I had miscarriages until I was 45, gave up trying and eventually persuaded Mr M to adopt and that was not until I was 47. I guess my message of hope to you is that you never know what is round the corner, just when you think its all over and I really did, I had accepted at 45 I would never have any children, things change, you change, you discover something new.
As a mum and an adopter it goes without saying you must be amazing..I think we all are. I feel your sadness at your loss, because it is a loss, but I hope soon you find your new beginning.... lots of hugs.. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by esty on Apr 23, 2016 17:55:33 GMT
You are a huge achiever - you have adopted a child and given him the best life chances. Don't underestimate this especially as your adoption path is a hard one. I think grieving for the losses or never happened is a must and something that will keep coming up throughout life, I speak for myself here. You are still really young and have the rest of your life to achieve and experience and to find something that really fulfils you. I'm not underestimating your feelings just want to point out your life has been so worthwhile.
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Post by damson on Apr 23, 2016 19:55:31 GMT
(((Sockthing))) I know those self-pitying thoughts. I always assumed I'd grow up, marry and have children. And it didn't work out like that. Menopause brought the thoughts up very sharply. DH has just retired, and we were trying to guess how long we will both live, so we can make sensible arrangements for pension payments. I had a look at calculators on the web, to make an estimate of when I might die... and discovered I might live to nearly 100. Eeek! I am just over half way there, and like many of you, had been mourning the child I never had, never mind the career that evaporated on contact with DD and DS. And then I thought, my life is not going to be defined by what I'm not. It made me feel much more cheerful, and bit by bit, I am thinking about what I will do with the second half of my life
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