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Post by rosie on Mar 14, 2016 21:46:50 GMT
We have had massive difficulties getting dd year 10 to school since Christmas, and some days have not managed it. Emotionally she is a bit wobbly at present having completed some life story therapy which contained some very tricky stuff, and the pressures of year 10 homework and tests seem too much for her at present. We are also having massive meltdowns and volatile behaviour over completing homework. I have been into school several times and they have put in some programmes to build her self esteem, but things have escalated with her refusing school 3 times last week. Post adoption have been supportive and are intending to come into school with me to discuss dd's difficulties and to ask them to put some support in place to help her become less anxious. They feel homework should be done at school. I am wondering how this will work in reality in year 10 as she has so much homework; and am worried she will end up having detentions for not completing it. They have already told me she cannot drop any subjects. Unless homework is supervised it will not be done, and the school does not have a supervised homework club. dd also struggles to organise herself, so revising and organising herself for homework are very difficult for her; she relies on us so much to get her organised. Because dd is quite bright apart from maths, school do not seem to understand how much she struggles with this; although I have tried to explain. Has anyone had good support from school over school refusal, organisational difficulties and homework at secondary school ? What sort of support has been offered ? I want to go to the meeting with some idea of what to ask for. I would love to leave homework at school but do not think they will provide the support she needs in school. DH and I have accepted she will probably not do well in exams at this time in her life; and have found out there are some good courses she could do at 16 even if she does fail most of them; it is getting her into school daily and surviving the next 14 months that is our immediate concern.
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Post by pingu on Mar 15, 2016 9:19:53 GMT
Our ds2 year superviser offered him a mentor , another ( older) pupil who could talk to him about his work and help him organise etc. It was easier and he was more receptive to him than to us.
Maybe they could make a quiet space available for your dd to do her homework at lunch time ( also means less stress on sociallising front) My ds2 does most of his homework at lunchtime , in the library i think.
My ds1 's school has a Pupil Support team which helps and supports the learning of any pupil with diagnosis or serious issues. Is it worth checking whether your dd's school has similar and whether they could use its resources to help her, Good that post adoption are supportive, other profs involved always helps schools get beyond the fussy parent assumtion they can sometimes make that prevents them taking things seriously at times. Ds1 's school also ran classes for defaulters, that they had to attend, about the importance of school etc, and it cut absense rates considerably! They also did drama and video production which worked on their self esteem.
On the home front, Riding and outdoor activities really helped the emotional regulation as well as self esteem. A lot of people here swear by horses as a good help, It might help her feel less stressed. Perhaps she would she enjoy riding if you could afford it.
Hope you find what works for you.
Best Wishes
Pingu
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Post by bop on Mar 15, 2016 10:37:15 GMT
((Hugs)) It is hard when our kids don't want to go to school - DD2 finds school hard and really just wants to be home with me. It is great that post adoption are being supportive and sadly you may find school will listen to them more than you. It does sound like homework is a big factor - I would leave it up to her to do it and offer support if she wants it. Talk to school and hopefully agree with them that she doesn't get detentions for not doing it, but do spend some time explaining to her how homework is important for her to do well in her exams (but as you have said exams are not the most important thing for our kids). Organisational stuff - she may struggle with executive functioning skills so its about building skills in small ways. School should be able to help with this... Family Futures are good at this sort of stuff - think they have some resources on line? PACS have some great leaflets for schools that explain why our kids find it so hard - www.postadoptioncentralsupport.org/You an download the basic white one but have to order the others. Our kids also have the option of going to the support base if they are wobbly and can't cope in class at that time - which mostly works. Also once a year all their teachers get basic training in attachment and some background information on their early life and why it still impacts them. Its hardest with DD as she is the swan at school; she appears to be fine and is academically capable, but falls apart at home and refuses to go; DS acts out at school when he is stressed so the teachers can see he is struggling.... Hope you can find something that works for her Bop |
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Post by rosie on Mar 15, 2016 11:23:38 GMT
Pingu and Bop thanks for your replies; you have given me some really good ideas to think through and suggest. It is so nice to know we are not alone with this problem. I feel such a carp parent when I can't get her into school. I agree that they will listen to post adoption more than me. We have managed to get her in today and yesterday, so keeping my fingers cross we can manage the week. I am really hoping they can help with the organisational side of things and provide support for homework; we cannot go on the way things are. I think because she is quite bright they are not taking us seriously and they do not see the behaviours at school; she saves it up for us; particularly me. I realise too that we have covered up some of her difficulties by making her do the work and supporting too much with organisation. It is hard to sit and watch your child fail when you know they can do the work. I think also because I am a teacher myself they think we are pushing her hard at home. If they could see us trying to coerce her into completing the minimum amount of homework she can get away with each night they would realise this is not the case.
I agree completely about the riding Pingu. She has been going to a stables for over 2 years. It started as therapy but has turned into a hobby. She spends the whole of Saturday most weeks helping out. There are other similar children helping there and it has been a really positive thing; worth the cost of a lesson definitely. After 3 days last week at home she had a brilliant day at the stables and came home much happier; and I feel that has helped us get her in this week. We did think of making her stay home but knew that would be more negative than letting her go. I can see her ending up working with horses.
I will look on the Family Futures website and the post adoption link too- thank you Bop.
I have just had a call from post adoption to say they have organised a meeting for Thursday; so hoping we can get some strategies in place for next term.
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Post by esty on Mar 15, 2016 12:21:01 GMT
Horses - so amazing in their ability to provide strength and sanity. I was really badly bullied at school to the point of feeling suicidal. The only thing that got me through my teens was the horses and riding. It is still my sanity now.
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Post by bop on Mar 15, 2016 12:26:29 GMT
Just remembered something else: Not sure if it will work for your DD as the underlying reasons may be different, but with DD2 I can sometimes get her to agree to going in first thing, on the basis that she can come home at break if she needs so - once in she stays the whole day....
So glad post adoption are supporting and hope the meeting on Thursday is useful and productive
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Post by rosie on Mar 17, 2016 17:44:42 GMT
Just thought I would post an update. Meeting today with school very positive, and if they put in place everything they say things should be a bit easier. It was so good to have support from Post adoption; they were very good. They have recommended we stand back and don't battle at home with homework.They are going to have her having supervised homework after school several times a week, someone helping with organisation, a quieter place to do tests and exams if she is happier to do that, no detentions for unfinished homework for a while ( not sure how long though,) email without confidential details to all teachers she works with explaining some of her emotional difficulties so no shaming in class. She is already having sessions to build self esteem and a group course for building resilience. The schools liaison officer from Post adoption is to email all action points so it is clear what they have promised and will follow up if necessary. They are really trying to help, so keeping my fingers crossed this makes things better. It was nice to be believed. School see a totally different child to the one we see; so it is easy to see why they did not feel there were any concerns.
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Post by pingu on Mar 17, 2016 23:29:35 GMT
Thanks for letting us know how you got on. That sounds positive and hopeful Rosie.
A school that wants to help makes such a difference.
Best Wishes
Pingu
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Post by rosie on Mar 18, 2016 14:22:53 GMT
Well we,ve managed every day at school this week; so hopefully with new strategies in place we can keep it going. Hope the Easter holiday doesn't set her back again. Feeling a lot happier than this time last week. Just have to keep telling myself keep positive !
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