Please can I move in here

Just gentle low key stuff

Hi Daisy - glad they are tucked up in bed...

We hope to have LO placed in November and have already spoken to FC about contact with her... out LO has changed FCs and still misses his old ones so occasionally he will ring them and have a chat... nothing heavy apparently - just needs to check they are still there and remember him (he is 6).

We plan to do the same with his current FC - but bearing in mind also he needs to attach to us and we need to be the ones to provide everything for him in the long run, we will manage the contact with FC and try to make it planned rather than reactive.

It sounds like Huey just needs reassurance that being with you is the right thing - that she is still there - and that she is thinking of him... that people don't just disappear out of your life...

I think it is fine to arrange a phonecall but I would not do it in a reactive way to his asking (I gather he is pushing a bit in other areas - which is only natural - but you don't want to set up a situation where he has his own way all the time!)...

So if he asks to speak to her again I would say that you know she is busy / out / asleep etc and that you will text her and ask when it would be okay to ring her for a chat... that way you can control when it is and - to a certain extent - how it goes... maybe specifically ask her to tell him that she misses him but that she is pleased he has a new mummy and daddy - but she won't forget him and they can do Xmas cards or similar...

Sorry it's a bit waffly - just had SW visit for panel papers and all of a dither... but hope that maybe helps a bit? Sending you hugs and chocolate Ax

Thanks adminnie and Annie saw your replies after my last post!

Nervous and anxious are a good summary of today's feelings! Thanks for advice on planned call rather than reactive I will try that one next time! I know FC would be fine with calling him she cares so much for them!

Xx

Someone somewhere along the way said to me that nothing you say or do will make anything worse, as in do any lasting damage... As long as sometimes it goes right. Better to try and do the right thing and fail then to leave them to struggle alone! Say anything that is true and sounds reassuring :-) sometimes with Starlet I just keep repeating myself, saying over and over that she's safe now, she's here with me, this is forever, I am so happy she's here, anything that sounds vaguely comforting!

A lot of the PACE stuff talks about validating feelings... So saying it's ok to miss FCs, you can understand why they would miss them, it must be very hard missing them so much. This makes them feel like it's ok to have feelings and ok to talk about them :-)

Try not to be too hard on yourself xx

As kstar said lost lots of re-assurance and validation that you know it is hard but that he won't ever be moving again, that this is his forever home and you are his Mum and Dad forever now etc etc.

Perhaps you can have a chat with FC and agree that he can phone her say every sunday night, or something like that. Later on that can go down to every second week, a month, and so on until he doesn't feel the need to anymore.

Lots of hugs and cuddles will help too if he will allow it, and remember he is only just 4 and is still a baby and is scared. Once the novelty of new parents, a new house, new bedroom, new toys wears off, he will be testing you, so expect the honeymoon period to disappear and some challenging behaviours to raise their head, he would be unusual if he didn't do this as he tries to adjust to the move. I always tried to imagine how I would have felt if I'd been whipped away from my secure attachment and taken to live with strangers - terrified I think!

You're doing fine, try not to worry.