school says everything is perfect.....

My nephew (similar age) is to a level the same mudlark - compliant, lovely in school, not acting out etc. Yes academically he struggles but that is down to delay... They do not see the little boy my sister & BIL see at home and that we occasionally glimpse ourselves.

He keeps it together all day presenting as he feels adults want him to and then it all comes out at home - it is not uncommon with adopted children. I know of several families where the child is very different at home than at school - to the level you describe. It can be a struggle for school to accept that what they see is not what we are parents see - our children can feel the most secure at home or as you say struggle with the intimacy of a family with attachment issues.

Sqk is to a level - I get a lot after I pick him up from childminders but he does let some of it out at school & at childminders. Think my sister-in-law was shocked last October when she looked after him for a few days at our house at half term when she saw how he reacted when I got home. In his case we are fairly secure and he tends to let it all out where he feels most secure.

Sorry can't give any advice but be reassured - what you are experiencing is not an uncommon experience

I have had a similar meeting today, Simba is model pupil, they all love him, joy to teach, helpful, willing, great progress, you name it - he's a marvel.

The do understand about adoption, and attachment though, which makes the difference.

its not you

Hugs to you mudlark
DDs school have had attachment training before she started, attended peps, brought sensory equipment etc, they nod in the right places but actually I'm fairly sure the class teacher thinks its all me! She's no trouble for them, just like all the other children......and it now seems it might be better if I didn't help in school trips etc....must be my parenting that the issue then!

It is really difficult to take, I know it shouldn't matter what other people think but it really does.
My birth son attended the same primary so they've known me as a parent for five years, my neurotic paranoia must be a new thing I guess...

They told me last week how helpfull, fantastic, smiley, relaxed etc my son was, I told them that's exactly the problem! That's how he survives in a high stress environment. They also felt they had such good connection with him, I told them he's doing a good job in faking them. 

I should add though that Dd2 has genuinely good social skills and is a good, motivated learner out of school too. Dd1 has poor social skills and poor executive functioning which makes school (and life in general) much harder for her. It feels like Dd2 only shows attachment issues at home whereas with dd1 the picture is very unclear.

I feel like I did not do a very good job in that meeting. ..Bamboozled is just how I feel Fruitcake!

Serrakunda, the school do know all about the diagnosis, the on going therapy, infact they have been very supportive putting in place 121 play worker at lunchtimes for Lapwing and agreeing to the ongoing flexi schooling. But today it was as though they believed that all the support and input had 'worked' and everything was, if not fine, then very nearly fine.

Lapwing is bright, she does enjoy learning because learning does not involve having to negotiate close intimate relationships and she can hide her anxiety in concentrating... but what Pluto says about 'that's how they survive in high stress environments' is right.. I wish I had said that today.

I feel I need to follow the meeting up with an email, as I failed miserably to get my points across....due to what they perceive as lack of evidence I guess.

Unfortunately, with my head of house hat on, I see so so many parents who want to "label" away the issues and who are desperate for recognition for a whole range of real and imaginary conditions... Parents who will argue black is white that their precious child cannot be held accountable for their behaviour/ must be allowed to come and go as they feel/ can't help lashing out and hitting people or whatever the issue is. Anything and everything is used as an excuse. I had a girl who took three weeks off when the family horse died. A y10 girl I hasten to add, in the September she started her GCSE courses. We do get very cynical and worn down by parents who think they know best about education - which unfortunately means we often miss the ones who have a valid point to make.

Interesting article here:

senmagazine.co.uk/home/articles/senarticles-2/suffering-in-silence

All sounds very familiar Mudlark until I took backup to a recent meeting. I'm sure that school / the Senco took me more seriously as DH came too - even though he didn't say anything! I also took along our Social Worker and an attachment specialist. All of a sudden everything wasn't "fine". They are having whole school training and are meeting with the attachment specialist to draw up a personalised plan of managing LO's behaviour. They have funded family mindfulness training for us at home and have organised a dog (a real one!) to accompany LO in the classroom (interesting concept - not sure I agree with it.)
I agree it would be worth following up with an email.

Oh, bless you! I can so empathise. I think sometimes people try to be overly positive to try to help you feel better, but it doesn't! What we need is understanding! We also had parent's evening a couple of weeks ago. Things were particularly tough at home, with sprialling agression, and serious related concerns from professionals involved. Anyway, both teacher and TA also gave glowing report of just how wonderfully little man was doing. I burst into floods of tears! TA immediately assumed they were happy tears, they weren't! It was like 'how can I celebrate his emerging understanding of decimals when I feel that our family's falling apart'!!! Sigh.

Its a good point Serrakunda and I have been thinking about it. I am of course glad that Lapwing is 'learning' and that she behaves 'well' at school. I am sure I would be very concerned if the school were phoning me every day reporting the kind of behaviour she can often show at home.

However what I do want from school is for them to accept that what I say is 'true' and not an opinion.
Lapwing is a traumatised little girl with no real sense how relationships work.
She is 'surviving at school'
I need the school to look beneath the surface and remember these things. I also need the school to accept that I do know what I am talking about.

We all want a happy and positive outcome for our children but sometimes its not as simple as them moving up a level in reading or as TML said celebrating their 'emerging understanding of decimals'..those are all good things, but I still believe that if the foundations stones of their early years are not there, it will all crumble at some point when the weight gets too much.

I also accept that school's role, especially a busy school with hundreds of kids, is limited in it's ability to help with the more therapeutic side of the childs well being. But in a way, it is the kids that have the 'special needs' that do need that extra bit. Not just the practical support of putting in a TA of play worker but the understanding of the childrens needs must be properly understood. I think its very hard for schools and teachers, but they have access to out children in many cases 5 days a week nearly 7 hours a day, that's alot of time and influence and a huge oppotunity to help.

Its a rambling answer,and maybe more of a train of thought, but I see these early years of our children as vital and key in giving them a chance of a good, healthy and happy life.