Post by corkwing on Dec 29, 2015 7:56:01 GMT
I'm not writing this for sympathy: just to give some idea of what it can be like. Others will, of course, have their own stories.
For us, Christmas starts MANY months beforehand. Mackerel knows that various relatives give us money for him and he wants the money. We're reluctant on many levels: he'll spend it on what we consider to be "junk" (cigarettes; fizzy drinks; etc.); giving someone money doesn't feel like a present; I don't KNOW how much money they're going to give (and whether they actually will) and we're not giving him his Christmas money 3 months early!
This causes some friction because Kermit finds it hard to say "No". Because she hasn't said "No", he can interpet it as "Yes", which means that he keeps asking. I feel that I'm cast into the role of the bad guy because sometimes she wants me to say "No" because I can do it, which feels like I'm always saying "No".
In the run up to Christmas we get an email from the care home about a month before asking us for ideas. We talk to the manager who, it feels, puts some pressure on us to have Mackerel on Christmas Day. All the others will be out visiting friends and family. He'll be left on his own with just one member of staff. There's also the psychological pressure: we all know that Christmas is about family and there's something awful about not wanting your child with you on this most special of days. However much I try to paint, in my head, a realistic picture of how it's likely to pan out, Charles Dickens still seems to have an awfully strong hold on my vision of Christmas.
Mackerel, meanwhile, has accepted that we're not going to just give him the money but wants to negotiate, control and be in charge of when he gets his presents. This means "as early as possible" and that isn't Christmas Day.
We ring the care home again and speak to someone a little more realistic and supportive. Our view: he doesn't really care about us; he's not interested in spending time with us - more about what he can get from us; he won't want to watch a film or TV or go for a walk with us and there's nothing open for us to take him out; Sprat will be high and that's a BAD combination! He just wants his presents and some food then he wants to do something "interesting" (which, coincidentally, also seems to equate to "expensive"). Care home worker agrees! Fantastic! So we arrange that he'll come on Christmas Eve for a few hours then we'll take him home.
I try to go for a managed project: what time will he come? What will we do then? And after that? And what time will that be? And what will we do then? I want US to plan the activities.
Kermit doesn't cope with that and asks Mackerel what he wants to do. He wants to go to town. Kermit thinks that's OK. I want to know what that means. Does she go with him? Does his support worker stay around and them both go together? Does he go on his own? Is he aiming to spend any money that he got, or meet up with old "friends"? And will he then disappear with said "friends"? We don't have an answer.
Kermit takes him out Christmas shopping a couple of weeks before. The idea is for him to buy presents for his siblings and also to do some window shopping for things that he might like. He's not really interested and so manages neither of those. So we come up with some ideas for what we're going to get him and hope that the care home help him organise presents.
December the 23rd arrives and nearly finishes. We're asleep when the phone goes at 11:20. It's Mackerel. When he comes to us tomorrow, can he go and visit X in his previous care home? Er, asleep. Don't know. No definitive answer.
Next day, panic. Ring care home about it but they are cool and calm. No, he can't. That would need to be agreed with the social worker and planned in advance. So that's off. Apparently he's stressed about coming to us, particularly the number of people around. Hadn't really thought about how hard it must be for him. And would we like his support worker to hang around during the visit and take him home. Decide that's probably best.
12:00 Mackerel arrives. Does presents - he has brought some and they are appropriate. He is actually very generous and loves giving presents. Eats some food. Can he go into town? Yes, OK. Panic in my breast, but off he goes. 15 minutes later he's back. He's done that. Shortly afterwards he's had enough and can he go back to the care home? He's been with us for less than an hour and a half. I have a mixture of relief and disappointment. Relief that he's gone and all the stress of potential flashpoints has disappeared. Disappointed that he doesn't seem to want to be with us - any of us - on any significant level.
Christmas Day comes and goes with the occasional flicker of thought that he's missing, but not actually that bad. It is the third Christmas that he's been away from us and those thoughts are less intrusive and less powerful than they used to be.
I'd guess that many of you other parents whose children don't live at home have similar conflicts and fears. My thoughts particularly go to those who have grandchildren, imagining that that probably tugs at your heartstrings as well.
For us, Christmas starts MANY months beforehand. Mackerel knows that various relatives give us money for him and he wants the money. We're reluctant on many levels: he'll spend it on what we consider to be "junk" (cigarettes; fizzy drinks; etc.); giving someone money doesn't feel like a present; I don't KNOW how much money they're going to give (and whether they actually will) and we're not giving him his Christmas money 3 months early!
This causes some friction because Kermit finds it hard to say "No". Because she hasn't said "No", he can interpet it as "Yes", which means that he keeps asking. I feel that I'm cast into the role of the bad guy because sometimes she wants me to say "No" because I can do it, which feels like I'm always saying "No".
In the run up to Christmas we get an email from the care home about a month before asking us for ideas. We talk to the manager who, it feels, puts some pressure on us to have Mackerel on Christmas Day. All the others will be out visiting friends and family. He'll be left on his own with just one member of staff. There's also the psychological pressure: we all know that Christmas is about family and there's something awful about not wanting your child with you on this most special of days. However much I try to paint, in my head, a realistic picture of how it's likely to pan out, Charles Dickens still seems to have an awfully strong hold on my vision of Christmas.
Mackerel, meanwhile, has accepted that we're not going to just give him the money but wants to negotiate, control and be in charge of when he gets his presents. This means "as early as possible" and that isn't Christmas Day.
We ring the care home again and speak to someone a little more realistic and supportive. Our view: he doesn't really care about us; he's not interested in spending time with us - more about what he can get from us; he won't want to watch a film or TV or go for a walk with us and there's nothing open for us to take him out; Sprat will be high and that's a BAD combination! He just wants his presents and some food then he wants to do something "interesting" (which, coincidentally, also seems to equate to "expensive"). Care home worker agrees! Fantastic! So we arrange that he'll come on Christmas Eve for a few hours then we'll take him home.
I try to go for a managed project: what time will he come? What will we do then? And after that? And what time will that be? And what will we do then? I want US to plan the activities.
Kermit doesn't cope with that and asks Mackerel what he wants to do. He wants to go to town. Kermit thinks that's OK. I want to know what that means. Does she go with him? Does his support worker stay around and them both go together? Does he go on his own? Is he aiming to spend any money that he got, or meet up with old "friends"? And will he then disappear with said "friends"? We don't have an answer.
Kermit takes him out Christmas shopping a couple of weeks before. The idea is for him to buy presents for his siblings and also to do some window shopping for things that he might like. He's not really interested and so manages neither of those. So we come up with some ideas for what we're going to get him and hope that the care home help him organise presents.
December the 23rd arrives and nearly finishes. We're asleep when the phone goes at 11:20. It's Mackerel. When he comes to us tomorrow, can he go and visit X in his previous care home? Er, asleep. Don't know. No definitive answer.
Next day, panic. Ring care home about it but they are cool and calm. No, he can't. That would need to be agreed with the social worker and planned in advance. So that's off. Apparently he's stressed about coming to us, particularly the number of people around. Hadn't really thought about how hard it must be for him. And would we like his support worker to hang around during the visit and take him home. Decide that's probably best.
12:00 Mackerel arrives. Does presents - he has brought some and they are appropriate. He is actually very generous and loves giving presents. Eats some food. Can he go into town? Yes, OK. Panic in my breast, but off he goes. 15 minutes later he's back. He's done that. Shortly afterwards he's had enough and can he go back to the care home? He's been with us for less than an hour and a half. I have a mixture of relief and disappointment. Relief that he's gone and all the stress of potential flashpoints has disappeared. Disappointed that he doesn't seem to want to be with us - any of us - on any significant level.
Christmas Day comes and goes with the occasional flicker of thought that he's missing, but not actually that bad. It is the third Christmas that he's been away from us and those thoughts are less intrusive and less powerful than they used to be.
I'd guess that many of you other parents whose children don't live at home have similar conflicts and fears. My thoughts particularly go to those who have grandchildren, imagining that that probably tugs at your heartstrings as well.
