Son 13 has found BM on Facebook.

By the way, they lived with BM until daughter was 2 and half and son was four and half and they had contact with her until they were 4 and 6. He calls her Mam and he calls me Mam, he has told me in the past that he didn't want to leave her cos he loved her. She went on to have two more children who were lost to her through adoption and now she is looking after her last two at home and pregnant with another one.

Goddamn internet, hugs to you Connect.

As Serrakunda said, unfortunately you cannot undo what has been done all you can do is manage it now and hope and pray the novelty will eventually wear off.

I would contact PAS and ask for help with this, you need someone to talk to about how to handle this safely and maybe both your children could do with some life story work if they haven't already had it.

How far away does BM live? Could he meet her unbeknown to you? If they have been talking, they have probably already swapped addresses/phone numbers. All you can do now is to try and manage this contact safely. If she lives far away would you consider face to face contact say every 3 months or so at a contact centre, that way you can be part of it, that way he just might satisfy his natural curiosity and may well lose interest eventually after a while when the novelty wears off.

There is harbouring orders but they are ineffectual. If you look at my post on the resources boardsyou will see they are not that effective and are not enforcible if your child is meeting them willingly.

It 's hard to advise without knowing distance from Bfamily. If they are far away, then you may get away with just FBook contact for now, but if they are close enough for DS to meet them, then you have more of a problem as he will probably not be able to resist it.

On the positive side, at least he has told you and you can talk it through now you are aware of it. Try not to take it personally. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he can love too mums at once, he can't help his feeings and he shouldn't ever have to chose, but it hurts doesn't it all the same?

Hugs to you xx

This was published earlier this year and is interesting in this regard

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/23/how-social-networking-sites-threaten-the-security-of-adopted-children

Thank you all, for your thoughtful advice.
I asked him today what he wanted and quick as a flash he said ‘I want to see her’ , he said he would like to stay with her for a couple of days!!! I have told him that I am not angry with him and I completely understand why he wants to see her but we are worried for him and his sister. I have reminded him about Bm’s previous alcohol and drug abuse and how she neglected him and all her children. She appears to be reformed but we don’t know for sure, and we don’t know what kind of people she associates with – people that could be dangerous to him. I have told him I am concerned that if he meets her he may experience strong feelings, difficult thoughts and conflicting attachments (to us and to her) that will be difficult for him to cope with at this stage of his life and it would be better to wait till he is older. I have told him that I am very worried about the effect of all this on his 11 year old sister. He listened and seemed to really get what I was saying – especially about his sister, which he agrees with. I am thinking of sharing with him some of the real stories I have found on the internet about the difficulties and dangers some children have experienced when prematurely reuniting with their birth families.
I have suggested that we talk about some sort of regular supervised Facebook contact with me or Dad looking on and reading the messages – he seemed to like that idea. If he really pushes for a meeting I think the Scype idea is worth exploring as an alternative. I think he will want a face to face though, especially when her new baby is born – he loves babies and this one is going to be a boy, which has delighted him.
I contacted SS yesterday and spoke with a duty social worker – she said all the senior SS’s are in training until Wednesday, but she has referred me on and someone will contact me ‘later’. She said we do not qualify for any support cos of the length of time they have been adopted. But she said they would probably go and see BM. I am going to ask that they ‘facilitate’ the process of negotiation and planning the way forward, and also help with some life story work.
I am trying to create a controlled framework around this but I am aware that this relies on him and the BM agreeing and co-operating. We’ve a long way to go, he is not quite 13 (in a few weeks). They could go along with a managed plan whilst secretly contacting each other by private messaging, phone calls and meetups. (She lives about 2 miles away). However, the BM has two children with her and another on the way – she must be being monitored and won’t want to cross SS for fear they may remove her new born.
I told a friend over the weekend, had a bit a cry, and told her I was frightened that he would just go back to his B.M and turn his back on us. But I am trying to be calm, deal with what is in front of us now and not fantasise too much about the worst case scenario.
It has been very calm and peaceful today. He came over to me earlier and gave me a lovely big hug. I am hopeful tonight.
Thanks for your support, it really helps. x

Thanks Bop,
to be fair to SS she was talking about therapeautic support. I like CAMHS in our area - they seem to have a handle on trauma/adoption issues - at least to a far greater extent than our local SS Adoption services. Of course CAMHS will not deal with BM, but we are expecting Psychotherapy for him as soon as a therapist is available at CAMHS (Cos of violence to sister and stealing).I will contact them today to let them know the current situation - maybe they can speed things up. One good thing - he is banned from internet at home at the moment (to help stop him paying for internet games with our cards)so this will reduce his ability to contact her so much. (He does have a phone(with no credit)and Tesco does free WIFI so he can still contact her on FB.
Wishing it hadn't happened so soon.

Thanks Lankelly,

I agree with what you say.

We have a post adoption Social worker coming on Tuesday morning to us (son, hubby and me). Then she is going to see BM. She is going to talk with Monopoly and BM about pitfalls and responsibilities.

It seemed as if she thought is was best to sort of lay down the law and say it has to stop. I said that was a good approach with BM, but not with our son. We think he will really want it more if he has been 'forbidden' and realistically we cannot really control this 100%.

We want to take the lead whilst stressing the need for openness and that we are all in this together, and that we will all try to find a way forward with a plan that we can all be agreeable to at this point. My husband and I will be agreeable to some sort of supervised FB contact but not a face to face contact yet. I am glad the SW is involved as I think it will lend some 'authority' to the 'negotiations' but I do hope she doesn't start insisting things are done her way. At the end of the phone call she said that because she knows about it is her responsibility now - is that right?

Hope the sw proves helpful and willing to listen. Of course it is your call as to what happens (insofar as the situation can be controlled). We're not in tbe same place yet but I had a similar discussion with our PASW recently and she had her views based on her experience and they made a lot of sense actually, but she only made suggestions, there was no sense that we should do x or y.

Btw the claim that you adopted too long ago for them to have any responsibility for therapy is nonsense - there isn't a time limit on it (or maybe it stops as they reach adulthood, not sure about that). We have accessed therapy via our PAS and adopted our dd over 13 years ago.