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Post by lemonade on Sept 9, 2015 12:50:37 GMT
Feeling overwhelmed ... just had call from Fizz saying - to cut a long story short ... she owes £2k in rent arrears to housing association. Trying to find out all the why and wherefores is like trying to walk through treacle  Not know what is truth or made up. But from what we can gather in a nut shell - job centre was suppose to be paying council rent directly which wasn't being paid. So council had one to one with Fizz to organise job centre to pay Fizz rent directly into her account to pay council. Fizz kept asking job centre are you paying my rent, job centre said yes! Council said we are not receiving rent! Turns out job centre was sending money to Fizz account for rent, but Fizz thought that was her money to do with as she wishes or more than likely dead beat boyf use it for drugs :-SFizz says job centre they never told me it was for the rent!!!!!! So just had her screaming down phone saying they are taking me to court, dad you need to sort it!!!! When dh says what do you think the money job centre was giving you (ie you were working part time) was for. We get "Don't have a go at me, I am already stressed!! I have lost my job because of depression and was taken to hospital for an o.d". Not sure what is truth or fantasy in there . Few weeks back she had bust up with boyf - police involved and us with Fizz until 3 am trying to sort. Boyf apparently threatened to kill Fizz - reason unclear. Even police told Fizz to not allow boyf back into HER flat and not be a victim. We have helped out with food/furniture etc over the last two years of her being in her flat. We helped her over the previous years when she was in supported housing, she nearly lost her place there many times for different reasons. Just so wearing, we want to help, but she has to make an effort too DH just phoned Fizz to say he had found some websites with good advice and she was welcome to come here, have some lunch and use our phone to save her credit. Her reply, " I am too busy today, got other things to do". Thanks for listening X |
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Post by fruitcake on Sept 9, 2015 13:11:20 GMT
I can feel your stress emanating from my screen and so, so feel for you!
Having been through a similar mill I would say this: your husband's offer to let her have free use of phone and computer (plus advice) while being offered lunch is sensible and generous and far more than she would have had if she had not, very fortunately, been adopted. She should be saying "thank-you" and coming right over. It really is all you can do and the best you can do. If you bail her out in any way, either practically (doing things for her that she should be doing for herself) or financially, you will undermine any hope that there might be of her ever learning to manage herself.
You need to try to detach a bit from her problems: so easy to say and so hard to do, I know. It is possible that other agencies have been at fault, but if she is dishonest you will never get to the bottom of it and will exhaust yourselves trying.
I hope I don't sound as if occupying the moral high ground: I have just sent £20 to my son because I can and I won't miss it and he asked for it. Should have said "no" but he is at a stressful crossroads. Sigh. It is so hard parenting a young adult toddler.
Just to add: take a bit of that cash that she is hoping you will bail her out with and give yourselves a really nice treat with it - meal out, bottle of something lovely, cinema, spa day! |
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Sept 9, 2015 15:16:37 GMT
Hi
I would suggest that you advise your daughter to get an appointment with her local Citizens Advice Bureau. They are very helpful. She will need to take with her to the appointment all her papers relating to bills, household expenditure, letters demanding payment or notifying of payment arrears or proposed court action etc. The advisor will work out a budget with her and contact any agencies that she owes money to. They will make proposals on her behalf how she can pay off any debt. Agencies nearly always respect the proposals. My daughter has found the CAB to be very helpful.
Lily x
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Post by moo on Sept 9, 2015 15:18:21 GMT
Hugs lemonade xxx such a bonkers situation.....
Sounds to me understandable that fizz got confused.....
Can't offer any positive advice sorry, my gut tho thinks the job centre really should have ownership of this, sounds like totally their bad.... any way of getting legal aid to prove it, special needs & nothing in writing from job centre 
Sorry not much help.... sending you & dh cyber hugsxxxxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by lemonade on Sept 9, 2015 15:24:54 GMT
Thanks fruitcake so agree with your comment "if she is dishonest you will never get to the bottom of it and will exhaust yourselves trying".Fizz does have learning difficulties (or a little simple as they used to say) which makes it easy for ppl to take advantage of her, even her sis Bubbles has been guilty of that  many a time. The easiest answer is to just sort it for her and make it all go away, but there will always be another crisis brewing on the horizon and don't want to jump in with both feet and we all drown. Trying to think of all possible consequences, and what is right course to take for the best. Plus you have the knock on affect with her sis Bubbles, if you do it for one!!! Not that Bubbles is living in her flat, she is off sofa surfing across the country - visiting birth family etc ... but that is another story!!!! Thanks LilyOTV council gave Fizz a support worker back in May who during their one to ones, worked out how much rent she was suppose to pay back. Again we only have Fizz version of events - it is trying to unpick truths and lies to make sense of it all.Moo agree if we were 100% sure of the facts we would be fighting her cause, but have been there and got the Tee shirt in the past and found out, what we thought was solid ground was really not!!I am always saying "if you are honest with us we can try and help you, but if you tell us lies it is very difficult to help".  All I ever get is "yeah, I know mum" ...
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Post by bop on Sept 9, 2015 16:09:27 GMT
((hugs))
Sounds like a complex situation and decisions on how much you can do to help are always going to be tricky.
I'd probably be supporting her to help herself - yes offer use of phone/internet but then direct her to others like CAB who can help with the details. However is she is unwilling to help herself, there is nothing you can do - on a positive note if she is young and vulnerable she is highly unlikely to get evicted....
Don't forget to look after yourselves too!
Bop
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Post by lemonade on Sept 9, 2015 17:53:20 GMT
((hugs)) Sounds like a complex situation and decisions on how much you can do to help are always going to be tricky. I'd probably be supporting her to help herself - yes offer use of phone/internet but then direct her to others like CAB who can help with the details. However is she is unwilling to help herself, there is nothing you can do - on a positive note if she is young and vulnerable she is highly unlikely to get evicted.... Don't forget to look after yourselves too! Bop Thanks Bop, Yes she wanted dh to go with her to CAB, but he wasn't available. He usually is the one who understand and sorts out all the legal stuff. She prob won't go on her own as she won't comprehend what they are saying. Think her and boyf are off to see council, probably to make matters worse |
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Post by bop on Sept 9, 2015 18:06:02 GMT
I volunteer for CAB and one of the principles is that they give as much help as an individual needs - if she goes by herself they should walk her through it (including doing some bits like letter writing, contacting the council etc for her); if your DH goes, they will assume he will do this....do decide how much you want to get involved....
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Post by mooster on Sept 9, 2015 18:51:59 GMT
I hear your frustrations so loudly - what we see as important and priorities seem to sit in such a different place in their heads. We have found ourselves wading in to sort things out only to find a web of confusion and different things said to different people which makes your ground very wobbly when you are defending their corner.
Trying to stand back and let them sort their own problems is so hard as yes, you can make it go away quite easily but I think you are right Lemonade it will just come back again in another guise. The blame on mental health issues happens here too and we are never sure what to believe.....
Sending you hugs, no real answers here but an understanding of how hard it is.
Keep safe.
Mooster x
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Post by corkwing on Sept 10, 2015 7:34:12 GMT
Hi, Lemonade -
Big, big hugs. Horrible situation for you to be in.
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Post by damson on Sept 21, 2015 14:37:55 GMT
Dear Lemonade
have things improved?
xxx Damson
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Post by lemonade on Sept 21, 2015 21:50:58 GMT
Dear Lemonade have things improved? xxx Damson Sorry no change  Fizz hasn't been to CAB said she was too busy!! Had phone call from her asking for money for electric. Our rule always has been (and a tough one to stick to) no paying of elec/gas/rent/phone bills. We are willing to help with food, washing, staying or eating at ours. If we didn't have that rule it really would be a nightmare as sister Bubbles never has money for elec etc etc. Fizz didn't want to take up my offer of doing her washing or eating at ours, so guess she is okay  |
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Post by peartree on Sept 27, 2015 12:25:34 GMT
Again good boundary holding my cyber friend  Locally here, the ss or job centre etc will not pay for rent directly to the housing association. They always put it into the persons account from them to then pay the rent. Many of our yp think rent paying is for saps and squander all the money very quickly. It's a constant issue in this area. |
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Post by bop on Sept 27, 2015 14:05:44 GMT
Keep strong Lemonade - its tough but actually its best for her too....
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Not know what is truth or made up.
many a time. 
All I ever get is "yeah, I know mum" ...
