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Post by kizim on Jul 23, 2015 14:43:59 GMT
We finally arrived.... well two of us did. The young inexperienced maternity cover admin at the school messed up DH"s visa' so he got summarily deported 2 hours after we landed: held in a holding bay and marched onto a flight to Kuala Lumpur as if he was a potential terrorist! The school are very sorry and trying all they can but my money is disappearing fast - we had to pay "top dollar" for his flight - and we can"t seem to move money here from Turkey so it may be rice and kimchee for a while. But he is having a good time exploring Malaysia and me and Whizz found an apartment today and we move in tomorrow.....and Vietnam is fascinating!!! Before we left Turkey we met with Enigma and her new fiance. I felt I could not leave without saying goodbye so sent a brief text saying we would like to see her and we would be at a cafe in town at a certain time...and she turned up. Not very forthcoming and very nervous of any chat between DH & fiance (who is lovely but no match for E) We arranged a way to help her get her visa - altho she claimed it was in the post' yeah sure The day we left she did not come to the bus station. I called and said we had some things for her and she said they were on the way. They raced our coach and we said a loving goodbye. She was much more friendly and even hugged DH but I felt the fiance looked a little troubled and embarrassed. We gave her some documents and money for a new phone. 24 hours later we learned she was on the way to the UK. Someone called DH in the middle of the night. DH...foolishly in my opinion, called the fiance and during the discussion it transpired fiance knew nothing about Enigma and accused DH of being a horrible father for trying to rape her - at least it"s still moved back to trying rather than did. DH lost it and told fiance a few truths about E...nowhere near all he could have told but now E is sending ME abusive messages accusing me of trying to split them up...how can I stay with DH she will never know and she only met us for the money. I am so p@#$%d with both /all of them. When will my quiet life begin!!! Sorry for the long speel but it really helped me get things in order. I will find a counsellor whilst I am here but until then...you are all it! Tạm biệt Kizim PS Interestingly although E had covered fiance no1"s initials on her hand with a new star tattoo....she still has DH"s name tattoed on her wrist. She kept trying to hide it from us but it was clearly still there......what does that mean I wonder?  PPs Whizz is great altho she makes for a very boring companion...won"t eat Vietnamese food and constantly chatting with friends in Turkey |
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Post by corkwing on Jul 23, 2015 15:34:00 GMT
Shame that life is never simple for you! Hope the visa gets sorted really soon.
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Post by esty on Jul 23, 2015 21:21:01 GMT
Was E sexually abused in her birth family? Could she be confusing DH with someone in birth family and that is why she has such ambiguous feelings for him?
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Post by pluto on Jul 24, 2015 7:15:56 GMT
Wish I was there!  How long are you going to be there? Love to see pictures!  |
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Post by mayan on Jul 24, 2015 11:45:38 GMT
Hi Kizim
Glad you arrived safely and good to hear you are settling in - albeit your poor dh is having to kick his heels.
Glad at least E did see you to say goodbye even if it was with a dramatic flourish - she did it and that's what counts not the embellishments which they tack on to create a smokescreen to blur their emotional vulnerabilities. As for the tattoo could be just a simple way of needling you/splitting behaviour just to get in your head...if so its working across the miles.... Who can fathom why they do stuff sometimes - they can fabricate a whole backstory which suits their skewed narrative sometimes there are shreds of trauma interwoven - sometimes it's a work of convenient imagination to manipulate / dissemble - always remember my ds calmly chatting over the phone with me regarding some holiday weekend arrangements saying he was spending it with some other colleagues who had no families ...so go figure!
Look after yourself and W - as you have new priorities now and settling W will take a lot of your energies.
Love and hugs across the miles
Mx
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Post by kizim on Jul 26, 2015 7:49:00 GMT
Thanks All
Corkwing...guess it is up to me to make it more simple...in many ways
Esty - İ do think E was abused but before the age of 3 so she has no cognitive memory but her strong physical attraction to men was apparent from the first day. She was in my arms as İ talked to our neighbour. Her husband was painting the front door. He had his back to us. Etapped me on the shoulder and pointing at his back said, 'İ want to kiss him'. İ thought it odd but did not see the significance...other similar events happened but SS said it was just because her primary carers had been male and there was no record of any abuse.
Toko...get over here!
Pluto...if we like it we are here for 4 years until Whizz finishes high school - İ am a teacher at an İnternational İB school...Whizz gets a free place
Mayan - thoughtful and insightful as ever. İ did not consider the emotional blurring just saw the fake hugs and smiles followed by streams of vitriol. Such a strong wave of hatred and wild accusations, it left me trembling. She has a way of making me doubt myself. İnteresting about the tattoo though....she could easily have had it covered or removed like she has the others. İ think her main anger this time was because DH spoke with bfriend who knows nothing about her other than the lies she has told him...but as usual she attacks me! So sadly our hope of maintaining some form of contact is at an end. Blocks are on and we are now a family of 3. İs it awful of me to kind of deny her existence. Just can't bear all the questions İ will get at the new school...what does she do...where is she...will she be coming to visit etc
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Post by leo on Jul 26, 2015 8:10:52 GMT
I think that for your own sanity you need to in some ways 'deny her existence' to the general public to give yourself time to process all that has gone on. You will not be pretending she never existed, it will not be a lie, she will always be your daughter and you know you will always be there for her if she genuinely needs your support - but it may be enough to help you grieve and step back enough to plan a way forward.
You have taken a huge step forwards in doing this already by moving to Vietnam and this is your chance to rebuild your emotional resilience - which will then allow you to reflect in a more objective way than is possible with all the turmoil you are feeling right now.
I know there are others on this board who have been through similar and have far more useful things to say but I think you have been brave and strong to move away.
Take care of your family of three (when DH returns!) and show Whizz that you can rebuild your lives after so much heartache.
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Post by damson on Jul 31, 2015 5:18:24 GMT
Hi Kizim Very best wishes for your exciting new life in Vietnam! Has DH managed to join you yet? I agree with Leo, no need to mention E to the new people you meet, as she does not exist to them. Without the abusive texts and FB rubbish, E is now very remote, and living her own life. You can choose what photos you have up, and if they are recent ones, they won't include E. It reminds me of a dear friend who flit 8 years ago with DH and DS to New Zealand, for 'one last adventure' and to escape the sadness of dealing with her 3 siblings who all suffered from horrendous mental health and substance abuse problems. (After years of trying to hold the ring for them, succeeding a bit, and them crashing again.) She left after the first suicide, and has just been back for the second funeral. No-one knows where the oldest brother is - maybe dead, maybe living on a street somewhere. Life in NZ has been great for her family. It is tough on her friends, as NZ is too far away to jaunt. But I totally understand why they did it. xxx Damson |
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How long are you going to be there?
