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Post by giggles on Oct 3, 2013 18:04:08 GMT
Glad to have found you all!
AS is 19m and has been with us for 15m.
I'm having some trouble with my feelings and reactions to his angry emotions. He is finding things very difficult right now, I think partly due to frustration of not being able to communicate well, teething and not eating a great deal. He is very possessive and territorial over his things particularly with other children his age.
He is having the most major meltdowns and I just don't know how to deal with them. I have tried so much, I remain calm, try to name his emotions and empathise but it happens so quickly, it's like I've missed the boat and he's in full-blown meltdown. I am increasingly doubting myself, feel completely inadequate and it really upsets me to see him in such a high state of distress.
Sometimes he can be pacified but lately he just writhes around, he head butts me, bites me, kicks out, throws things and even head butts walls and the floor if that's closest. He makes himself hoar*e with the screaming and crying. It breaks my heart that I don't know what is going on and I'm becoming a bit of a wreck.
People keep saying all toddlers do this but I'm finding little comfort in that at the moment!
Any pointers or strategies would be greatly received!
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Post by moo on Oct 3, 2013 19:03:35 GMT
{{{giggles}}}
You are obviously very in tune with your son.....but he is obviously struggling internalising.... It is soo hard to see.... I too often felt inadequate & down it is so hard watching their frustration coming out in this way.....
I often found by doing something he didn't expect would snap him out... Ie building a Lego house at the other corner of the room chatting loudly to myself ok a red one then a blue one oohh oh...yellow one.... Or putting music on & doing a little dance by myself.... One or other would almost always come over & join in.....
Somehow by doing something that they weren't involved in got the attention & changed the mood...
HTH....or at worst gives you another idea of something different to try.......
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by smileycat on Oct 3, 2013 20:43:44 GMT
Oh I've been there. Actually once at a drop in I go to DS hurt himself and totally cracked up, it took ages for him to calm down. When he had one of the Mums I'm friendly with came to see if I was okay. I said to her the thing is I can't help feeling like if I'd of given birth to him I would of been able to better comfort him.
All the things Moo suggested really helped me, esp the music bit. DS loves music, it really really seems to calm him.
You are right about the communication bit, as times gone on and DS has started to talk his melt downs are much less. Not that helps you much right now.....
Sending you a hug.
SC x x
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 3, 2013 21:09:53 GMT
Hi,
I do understand, as my LO one was difficult at 19 months. What you describe sounds more than just being a 'toddler' and as he has been placed with you for over 12 months, so you know him better than anyone. I agree distraction is good, sometimes I sing, respond in a funny voice which makes her laugh and try to keep her busy (walks, swimming, painting etc) to try and focus her frustration etc in something more physical. I have read that other adopters use trampolines to help regulate emotions, maybe try this?
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Post by sooz on Oct 4, 2013 13:35:27 GMT
Can you look for times he's more likely to kick off than others?
With my ds it was busy, noisy or chaotic environments.
Feeling scared in new places
Not being able to see me
Hunger/low blood sugar
Tired
Scratchy clothes
Strangers talking to him or touching him (eg hair ruffling)
Sudden change of routine
Unexpected noise or bangs
Not getting own way or disappointments
Visitors
Other kids touching his things
Hand dryers
Some were obvious as he reacted straight away, but some things could be delayed, ie a balloon popping at a party made him jump and cry but hours later he was still jumpy.
I stopped having kids over as he just couldn't cope, even now at 7 I have to talk him through visitors and what can be touched and what can't.
Try not to put him in situations he can't handle. Gradually test the waters with one child with understanding parent visiting.
Remember its can't not wont (that helped me enormously)
Take away as many stressors for him that you can and gradually introduce things again and monitor reactions, back off again if necessary.
He may cope with something one day but not the next.
You sound like you are doing a fab job, I suspect the reason you are having trouble with feelings and emotions is that you are scared. Scared you can't handle him, scared you won't cope, scared you are doing it wrong, and also scared this is not what you expected to feel. Well at least that's how I felt! I'd say it took me 18 months to feel right about ds, how I expected I should feel.
I expect you are also shattered and stressed so please get some time for you. Xx
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Post by sockthing on Oct 4, 2013 19:32:14 GMT
Big hugs, it's a horrible feeling. I have been there too. Good replies so far. And excellent advice from Sooz. With my son he was so frantic and distressed he was way beyond distraction, and comfort was out of the question too it makes you feel so hellishly awful feeling you can do nothing to comfort them....I know just what smileycat means I used to (still do) feel if I had given birth to him he would have accepted my comfort. I found when he was so distressed like that I couldn't touch him or speak to him it made it worse. I settled for just being in the room waiting till he'd calmed, or following him round the house as he ran around raging  The "all toddlers do that" comment is a bummer. You'll find it's not the last time you hear that!!! Thing is people kept saying the same to me, but ideep down I KNEW something was different ... Yes, all toddlers get frustrated and angry and have tantrums. But what is key is the frequency and intensity. And not all toddlers will do it for the reasons an adopted child might do it. Comments like that are meant to be consoling but can make you feel worse because those people don't know what your child has been through, or what a big experience it is to be an adoptive parent. It's like all toddlers have separation anxiety, but not all toddlers have previously had their worst fears about separation come true...which yours has. I agree with Sooz about keeping an eye out for triggers...low blood sugar is a big one for my son, as is tiredness, and anxiety. Masses of quality attention and positive comments helped here. Music and touch made things worse. Naming emotions didn't help here just escalated stuff. I think at 19 months he may be too little to benefit from it? it did improve with time and age, and one day he had a big tantrum and I suddenly realised it was a NORMAL tantrum! He was still genuinely upset and giving it a load of welly , and it went on for over half an hour, but the atmosphere felt different and suddenly I knew that I had been right about the other tantrums which felt so massively intense it was almost tangible. He can still get totally out of synch and meltdown but now (at 3.5 and been here 2 and a bit years) he Is doing it less, they last less time, he will sometimes allow comfort, it's easier to nip in the bud. And I have learnt better how to nip things in the bud, recognise the different kinds of meltdown |
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Post by giggles on Oct 5, 2013 9:22:58 GMT
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts and ideas. There are some really great tips and Sooz, your list in uncannily close to AS.
I am feeling much more positive about things now, I know much of it is me and how I handle things so will definitely take things slowly and try some of these strategies.
Thanks again. G.
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Post by larsti on Oct 5, 2013 12:27:54 GMT
Hugs ((((Giggles))))
Looks like you have had some excellent advice. Its so hard
Only skim read the replies...has anyone recommended 'What every parent needs to know' by Margot Sunderland. That seemed to be highly recommended by peeps on the old boards. May be helpful?
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Post by sooz on Oct 5, 2013 15:32:31 GMT
I second larstis book recommendation.
That book saved my sanity, I'm sure x
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Post by giggles on Oct 7, 2013 10:43:04 GMT
Good call larsti, I do have that book but have leant it out. Time to get it back for a refresher I think. Thanks.
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