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Post by peartree on Oct 11, 2013 9:38:35 GMT
Hoping young shrimp may yet have a glittering career as artistic director of HOMES AND GARDENS Jam sarnie adornments all the rage
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Post by fruitcake on Oct 11, 2013 10:58:29 GMT
Major Fruitcake reporting in for duty. Agree totally with Captain Chaos that reporting good news v. dangerous. The enemy can smell complacency a mile off. Fruity Camp is taking a hammering so have decided to enlist brainwashing division into our ranks, aka "Beating the Blues" online CBT course. Encouraged by the word "beating"! Sounds appropriately militaristic. No namby pamby touchy feely skirting around the Blues here. Oh no. We're going to BEAT 'EM!
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Post by peartree on Oct 11, 2013 19:39:34 GMT
Good evening comrades En1s appendage is aloft Operation 'ooooo I hurt' in full swing but en1 is keen to report Sewing and hobbling via the gift of granny frame a whole 6 steps :-) Arf partridge is complaining of ooo I hurt too He's been lumbering around the orchard In love lost forlorn looks And has decided that the thing he needs to do is be grumpy and lumpy and seek soothing in a bravadoey partridgey kinda way In the end comrades (trying not to lAugh) He did a dramatic pirouette and Fosbury flop landing easily score 9...! Look mum is there something on my head? Agent flung self nearer en En1 thinks 'checking'and rubbing hurty head of wobbly lad is just what dr ordered... Delighted to welcome major fruitcake and the fruit bowl back to the fold (She has a fleet of spitting camels for borrowed deployment against the SCUM - services cost us money) Planning a code 'autumnal day' with agents tomorrow We are plus agent blossom and going to attempt few hours HOME visit while youngest non agent is out with cavalry The orchard decoration has only recently recovered from the ravaged years so will give young Lawrence 'shrimp' Bowens Jammy Designs a miss Look forward to deflating of appendage and reading all reports with interest
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Post by larsti on Oct 11, 2013 19:40:24 GMT
Can I enlist? I don't have flat feet but I am a bit on the short side for military service I think Camp sCATty might be a good name for us (3 signed up feline agents and also 'territorials' AKA foster cats) I am described in form F as 'scatty' which I do plead guilty to....unfortunately not with accompanying glamorous blonde hair and fluttering eyelashes ) See thread 'What a day' for activities in camp sCATty today. ARF agent was not even at home when I sabotaged quartermasters stores Sending lots of ammunition to Major Fruitcake for beating the Blues. Sending medals to all
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Post by peartree on Oct 11, 2013 19:44:24 GMT
Delighted to welcome camp sCATy
Hugs abound and delighted to salute compact and elastic enemy of her agents
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Post by peartree on Oct 11, 2013 19:55:24 GMT
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Post by queenie on Oct 12, 2013 20:20:18 GMT
Welcome aboard Camp sCATy, short personnel always welcome in HM ARF forces. Being round and short is also a well known military build in these parts.
Today the dusters and polish came out in the Royal Household. The Royal Palace which was nearly sold is now not nearly sold , so polishing the canary for prospective Palace Buyers will feature on the Royal Schedule once again. Much muttering and tidying of the living quarters, aided and abetted by Death by Talking action from the Agent Twirler whose in and out of the house activities needed much discussion, several changes of outfits, phone calls to ask what it was she was supposed to be buying from the shop, then , just for a change , a phone call from the depths of her pocket as phone left unlocked, then a discussion about how much change I should get from £3.50 if the item cost £1.99 ( I didn't settle for the 1p which was her first attempt)
Eventually the transformation was complete. The floors are clean, the spiders evicted, the furniture polished and a serene housewifely smile fleeting appeared on the Royal visage............ and then Twirly came home. To Do Some Homework. Why dear comrades in arms, does ARF homework consist of 3 million papers. All of which have to be spread from one side of the room to another? How did the Twirling One manage to wet two umbrellas, one coat, a pair of trousers and two pairs of shoes? And then Big Girl came home. From the cinema. With trousers wet up to her knees, and a coat wet down to her knees. Another coat on the radiator . The lovely smell of furniture polish now has overtones of wet coat, damp Royal Corgi and possibly even a whiff of Pizza that Agent Twirly had for lunch. Then my knight in shining armour the Royal consort appears back from a day at the auction....................with six huge boxes full of books, leaflets, pamphlets and the like ( add a little eau de mustiness and parfum de book dust to the environs). Because floor in one room covered in parers the next best thing was all over the dining room table and floor.
Perhaps selling the Palace and buying a teeny tiny little residence for one would be the best idea......
over and out
Queenie
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Post by larsti on Oct 12, 2013 21:01:59 GMT
Our pets are smelly enough PT! Thank you Queenie......how did you know? I am indeed round as well as short I sympathise with the Forth Bridge nature of housework Queenie Although non ARF DD told me today that they have invented new paint for the Forth Bridge so now its just housework that's never finished How stressful that the Palace is not sold. Would Her Maj (the real one I mean) like another palace do you think? She could pay cash so sale should be quick Today Private Dash had a friend from a few doors down to play in the garden. As it happened, they had made some sort of army camp in the tree house and had a couple of bottles of water for supplies. I heard friend crying.....Private Dash had poured water on friend's hair Closer investigation showed only a few drops of water so I thought he had overreacted but got Private Dash to apologise and gave friend a clean towel. 'I must go and wash my hair' says friend.....'Dash put wee wee in the bottle of water' I then went in to 'diplomatic mode' with father who wasn't bovvered and 'Sergeant Major' mode with Private Dash. 'Apart from anything else', I said 'your privates are private' Whereupon Dash demonstrated how to very discreetly wee into a bottle. He is multi skilled that boy. Camp sCATty signing out...............hope there are no ARF operations tomorrow in any of the camps, but I suppose ARF agents don't take Sundays off
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Post by fruitcake on Oct 12, 2013 21:23:53 GMT
No, the Arf definitely do not have Sundays off. Full parade with high ranking inspection scheduled tomorrow for the Fruity Camp in the shape of the "Stardance Award" for smallest agent, to be fitted in with football match for another agent, church parade for a third and a promised cinema trip to be shoe-horned in by way of R & R. I think it is me, the Major, who should be getting the Stardance Award as Stardancing is the story of my life at the moment. First session of Beating the Blues went well: didn't give myself time to think so ended up with more truthful answers as regards what my three main problems were. (Only three!!! Good grief! I have six at least, not counting the hamster. ) Have elected "lunch with friend" as promised "pleasurable activity". Had a bit of a laugh on the users' forum. One thread, "What did you choose for your pleasurable activity" had some answers worthy of our dear Arf!
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Post by jollymummy on Oct 12, 2013 21:26:57 GMT
:-/Mmmmm. I don't get this thread| Too much like hard work! I'm obviously not on your wavelength! Tried both with and without the aid of wine! JM x
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Post by queenie on Oct 13, 2013 19:20:02 GMT
Can report that the Twirling One recognised that this EN had one nerve left and she was getting on it. The bedroom is vaguely tidy. Will it remain so until tomorrow?
Big girl and the Royal form are travelling on railed battle tank tomorrow to see a dear friend ......and have an overnight pass. The Royal Consort, Royal Corgi and the Twirling one can enjoy one another's company. They are welcome to each other.
over and out
Queenie
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Post by oysterbabe on Oct 14, 2013 13:32:32 GMT
Sending lashings of coping juice to Jollymummy so ARF lingo can be deciphered...
Electronic communication finally received from cockles place of abode. The commandant has had a "sore throat" for 10 days making communication impossible. You what? Has he not heard of txt, email or carrier pigeon? Chocolate teapot of the week awarded to said numpty. He says he would like to catch up at 1500 hours Tuesday. Firing squad (double division) requested forthwith. The canine of the division is going hungry so she can eat his leg upon command.
Agent cockle made phone call from abode yesterday. Glossed over many things but repeated many times how sad he felt as he was missing En1. En1 did very well not to succumb to ocular leakage. Agent Cockle has never verbally expressed missing actual people. Progress?
En2 felt very flush at weekend or perhaps trying to cheer en1 up, took me to large glossy furniture emporium and purchased settees of desire (half price only TODAY WHILE STOCKS LAST!!) should have them in one month... hmmmm. Just hope they fit. But they do have hidden attack functions... Buttons on side to flick scum and scue and other numpties off the end aka James Bond ejector seats.
Over and out.
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Post by peartree on Oct 15, 2013 11:50:42 GMT
O I can see a flag hoisting in the distance! Yes! It's celebrating the minute forward march attempt by agent cockle and code MISSING SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO HIM admission is a flag waive event in the orchard books.
Hoping the royal railed transport has departed safely and that the long lost lamb looks of the royal corgi and flunkies were ignored.
Arf partridge is doing a little better. En1 has managed to send en2 into the hinter land aka partridges bunker. This is where angels fear to tread Operation "wolf onesie retrieval" in action and large tongs and chemical warfare suit notable by their absence. Brave dear en2 has gone in alone Currently hopping shouting and muttering unknown alien tongue.
Suspect he's impaled self through the hoofular appendage on various bits of CRAB Carpet bombing seems a very apt phrase indeed.....
Shortly, the orchard hq is to be invaded by the SCUM and they are plying ens with friendly soothing stuff and en isn't sure how to take them Really need that bovine excrement meter tuned to work with social workers
Prefer to have gimlis sharp stick, patisserie camps spitting camels and camp chaos' ar*enal lurking within arms reach.
Ens have to report that Arf blossom has been settled enough to VISIT orchard hq for a few hours. So far. Only 1 bit of broken off fruit bowl to show for the visit and no reports of wobbler action.
Shes holding steady for the time being.... Hoping this will continue for the duration of tag time. Hoping that come tag removal time this will not be akin to removing detonator pin in her internal GRANADEs.
Eek
Over and out
Pear tree
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Post by oysterbabe on Oct 15, 2013 21:13:45 GMT
Both barrels and pointy sticks were inserted up nostrils of Numpty today. He left seafood hq with such a flea in his shell like he will scratch for the rest of the year. Ex husband en3 arrived to assist with pronged attack. Numpty did hand over written evidence from Agent Cockle that he misses en1, loves her and can't wait to come home again with big kisses at bottom. Ocular leakage avoided twice in one week. Huge pow wow to be arranged pdq to overturn horrendous contact restraints that haven't aided in "attachment to place of abode" one iota. Numpty proceeded to inform me what attachment was... Gosh it was all news to me. I then informed him what parental responsibility meant. In simple terms. Firing squad was stood down after two hours when he beat a retreat.
en2 arrived back from paid expeditions to a camp in much better spirits than it has been for several weeks.
Over and out.
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Post by fruitcake on Oct 15, 2013 21:38:05 GMT
I challenged the Football Dad from Hell on Sunday, with several live rounds of verbal ammo. He has been on sustained operations of Drive Youngster With ADHD From Team With Constant Goading (including reducing him to tears in front of team-mates - he is 12). Said youngster reminds me of ds 2 so I have a soft spot for him.
Battle was loud and bl**dy, eventually encompassing Youngster's mother, me, our team Manager and the Referee. Opposing team parents slack-jawed with horrified amazement. Have now launched an Email Missile to FA safeguarding team.
Youngster with ADHD came to me for a cuddle, clearly frightened. I feel I did THE RIGHT THING.
Watch this space for further engagements!
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Post by fruitcake on Oct 15, 2013 21:40:32 GMT
P.S. Have arranged R & R with another football mum who is On My Side as part of Operation "Beat the Blues". Feeling rather pleased with myself!
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Post by fruitcake on Oct 15, 2013 21:45:34 GMT
Oh - and Football Dad from Hell is twice my height and at least twice my girth, with a threatening manner, extremely loud voice and a nasty jab with a pointy finger. (Think David and Goliath!)
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Post by peartree on Oct 16, 2013 14:27:33 GMT
Delighted to spot MAJOR FRUITCAKE back on the front lines Rallying the troops - Spoiling the plans of bullying football dads
Rararararara! (En1s attempt at cyber cheer leading!) The Arf corps is proud
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Post by peartree on Oct 16, 2013 14:30:38 GMT
Wish that SCUM could show care to camps under fire Think that simple visit Holding hand Believing you
Would save GUZILLIONS of spondoolies and untold damage in broken hearts
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Post by peartree on Oct 16, 2013 14:37:23 GMT
But comrades we know scum Those who dwell in ivory towers Do not choose to breathe the same air as us mere mortals...
Arf partridge has his first bit of written work It's been made into a giant monster by agent Not helped by STUPid comments of bravado filled tutor
"Only stupid people can't do this- you'll walk it son"
So agent secretly thinks he's -a) STUPID and is frightened that anyone on his course will find out And b) nervous about what's expected of him by a tutor who calls him SON
En1 tempted to get very thorough Aspergers report and shove it up where the lumber jacks don't like it!
Arf blossom got her very first medal for marching nicely All ens and wider orchard very very proud :-)
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Post by queenie on Oct 16, 2013 19:01:22 GMT
The Royal household is code word sad. There are no Royal Grandchildren in the camp but there is a grandbunnie and a granddog. Sadly the lovely hound, a huge soft creature who only found his forever home seven months ago has had to be put down today. One devastated son....
over and out
Queenie
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Post by shadow on Oct 16, 2013 19:15:33 GMT
for the royal hound
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Post by oogleschnook on Oct 17, 2013 16:34:53 GMT
Camp Pandemonium reporting in. ENs attempting taking ARF on codeword 'recreational manoeuvres in tin can' also known as caravan holiday. ARF spending most days falling in mud/sea/sand/puddles but generally happy. Attempted operation 'dry nights' continuing with limited success, along with rainy weather and ARFs magnetic attraction to any dirt/water means EN is very much looking forward to return to camp and much needed defensive equipment of washing machine... Close quarters and rainy weather beginning to fray few remaining nerves of EN and dreams of sunny spa breaks occupying ENs thoughts. Camp has heard that SW have finally approved parachuting of new agent (toddler division)into camp and so are about to begin operation preparing the troops and suspected futile manoeuvre of 'toddler proofing' camp. Much love and copious supplies of chocolate brownies sent to all camps
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Post by oogleschnook on Oct 17, 2013 16:36:05 GMT
Sorry to hear of sad loss of royal hound too...
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Post by peartree on Oct 19, 2013 9:15:01 GMT
En1 has lost the plot Felt sure shed replied Raising flags for loss ofroyal hound The arf are code active Harrumphing with agent of dragging knuckle variety present and correct The harrumphing is due to wet weather Lack of spondoolies to do anything as he's wasted them all on sweeties and bags of chips This is CLEARLY en1s fault Could do with assistance of meteorological camp to change weather... Non arf pip is doing 'prancey dancey' action in the lounge in ballet outfit insisting that en2 dons tights ... Tee hee Ooglesnook camp are clearly code active. Very much like pandemonium name Arf blossom is in penance mode today With her tag she's off doing community service En1 is a little nervous as she's helping in stables today And bearing in mind last visit to stables, she took a liking to grey mare and dobbin got 'commandeered for the greater good' Think local co-op have banned horses The feline mascot has gone off and lost his collar and en2 has got to get him a new one as the ability to capture winged creatures of kitty desire is greatly enhanced by stealth status Much love to all camps- en1 is excited as it's en1s sister birthday party this eve and it's her first outing with bionic appendage
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Post by shadow on Oct 19, 2013 14:48:51 GMT
>:Dagent chaos managed single handily a highly successful operation involving dubious characters and various plod and SS depts around the country and cross border Agent seems to have scared the life out of herself and now is in "needy toddler" mode which is nice in small doses but very wearing long term especially as agent frightened at night and needs POWs bedroom door open - this is exhausting for POW as means not only regular disturbances from agent but feline agents , esp agent pounce who spends the night - yes pouncing on various parts of POW POW in extremely tired grumpy mood
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Post by peartree on Oct 19, 2013 21:45:38 GMT
Good evening Settle down with the regimental cocoa and slippers with a willing feline masot to stroke Arf successes all round to report Dobbin with arf blossom worked out well enough Smaller non agents arrived to see dobbin Arf agent was initially unwilling to share dobbin.... But was gainfully deployed mucking out and then was allowed to get the girls up on the dobbin and have a stroll about Agent commended for helpful attitude Arf partridge meanwhile has been traversing mine field on wing and prayer It was uphill in its his struggle but achieved mission intended He did, dear comrades, ASK en1 if he could stay out one night He did a honest set of requests With a fair bit of trembling I'm so proud :-)then to top it all agents and extended orchard enjoyed family bash All really good and en1's first outing with new spangly appendage Arf blossom went off well But She has since hidden her mobile communication device Refusing to speak to unit staff She gave en1 a number for unit manager but it doesn't work So suspect agent is worried her miscommunication will be uncovered Think en might pursuade en2 to smoke signal unit.... Sigh It was good today In part! Love to all camps
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Post by shadow on Oct 19, 2013 22:03:12 GMT
commiserations to our leader over new agent blossom activities
hope leader gets support from somewhere
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Post by oogleschnook on Oct 20, 2013 7:49:13 GMT
Lack of coffee very serious for camps, urgent supplies being parachuted into Camp T immediately, hope they are in time and no white flag visible from EN...
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Post by peartree on Oct 20, 2013 8:50:35 GMT
No coffee!
Shock horror
Sound the siren Rally the troops
Caffeine boost must be sent IMMEDIATELy
Or suggest en tokoloshe Heads for local Golden Arches of burger fame AS their coffee is good and less than costa bucket
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