ruby7
Bronze Member

Approved prospective adopter
Posts: 96
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Post by ruby7 on Apr 18, 2015 14:06:42 GMT
We can't and don't want to do this. We have made a massive mistake and know our decision could destroy these children. But we think if they remain with us they we be distroyed anyway as will we. Our rational brains are telling us everything that you will all say, it's normal,give it time talk to someone...but our guts are telling us we have done something terrible and,it's better they children return quickly rather than dragging out...we are at an all time low.....we both feel the same......
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Post by mr.vml3m on Apr 18, 2015 14:10:29 GMT
I wish I could say something positive, upbeat and helpful here............ but I can feel what you are thinking by reading your post.
There must be something that can be done, I wish I knew what.
Someone?
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Post by bop on Apr 18, 2015 15:23:28 GMT
I remember feeling the same a few weeks in and again a few months in .... we chose to keep on going but its been a tough journey
Maybe disruption is the right answer, but what you need to do is get in touch asap with your SW and talk it through with them....they may be abel to offer more support or insight, or they may agree with you - either way you need their help now.
((hugs)) Bop
PS Do have a read of Corkwings book too!
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Post by esty on Apr 18, 2015 15:23:44 GMT
So very sorry and sad to hear this. Adoption is a hard hard process. You have sat through endless courses and meetings and panels to get to this point. The reality of parenthood is huge never mind adoption parenthood. Can you have a think about what you thought would be the reality of parenthood and the actual reality and see if there are ways of matching to or connecting the both? Many of us have thought I can't do this/I don't want to do this. It does all depend on where you were coming from in the first place. Were you going to be a mummy and daddy and wanted children to fulfill that dream or did you want to parent damaged children and to give them the best opportunity in life? This could possibly help you to your answer. If it's the former then perhaps adoption wasn't/isn't for you. If it's the latter then accepting it's the hardest thing you will ever do but also the Best thing you could ever do and that you just have to keep on keeping on. Sending you supportive hugs. Don't do anything rash just go through all the reasons and scenarios as to why you are both feeling like this after all you've been through to get here. Honestly most of us have had similar thoughts we just didn't or don't act off them.
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Post by cowgirl on Apr 18, 2015 15:43:22 GMT
Hi I can only offer a cyber hug to you all with non judgemental support.
I have not walked in your shoes.
As others have said you must contact you SW
I'd echo the previous posters comments
We are here f you want to post again today
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Post by moo on Apr 18, 2015 16:04:25 GMT
Lovin' esty's reply... She has hit the nail squarely on the head....
Rose tinted specs aside I know all adopters at some stage early on, lament their old life, being able to put themselves & husband first & do activities for themselves only at the drop of a hat....
Being an adopter mummy is just not easy , plain sailing or the task of one with an agenda other than to be a therapist , teacher, councillor, nurse, doctor, firefighter, hygenist, diplomat, superwoman, & half dead mummy no longer an individual or someone with her own identity!! 
That is the challenge & now & forever our lot! Well mine most certainly as I am all those things ( & so many more ) still first foremost & forever....
So so sad for you, but your posts have always struggled with the actuality of the trauma & need your children have & the necessity of your dealing with their terror & fears over your own need....
As esty says please call an extraordinary meeting with your s/w her team leader & childrens s/w & team leader. They may offer amazing support that will be a lifeline to you all, or alternatively they may not be surprised, had spotted things of concern before & actually make the decision for you & support the one you have made without judging you & dh xx
Adoption is the very very hardest of times & most definitely not for everyone esp those not properly prepared by their l/a for the extreme hardship of losing ones independence or identity....
I mean no offence & I hope you can search your souls for your answers & stay strong & resolute to what is the best for zig & zag..
Xx hugs for you both xx
Xx moo xx
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Post by corkwing on Apr 18, 2015 16:07:06 GMT
Hi, Ruby - Sending you huge hugs: you must be feeling pretty dire! We're here to support you, whatever decision you make. We know that, whichever way you jump, it's hard. Sometimes my wife and I know that we are in stressful times. We make a pact with each other: whatever we say over the next few days/weeks/month doesn't count because it's coming from stress. So if she snaps at me or I'm dismissive of her feelings, we don't hold it against each other after the stressy period is over. I also know that it's not a good time to make big decisions! Stress, depression, grief... (and it sounds like you could well be grieving your "old life", which is perfectly normal)... they're all big, big feelings. But we don't have to act on our feelings. Michael Neill talks about his "suicide thought". He had depression and this thought of killing himself kept coming into his head and it was incredibly powerful - until her realised that it was just a thought. Thoughts and feelings come into our heads and demand that we act on them, but that's not true: we don't have to. We can accept that we're having them, love ourselves anyway and move on. He's done some good videos: www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmnvLnh3ieY Part 1 18 mins 49 www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkeUFoeuoRo Part 2 27 mins 16 www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B8hSFOJKKI Part 3 39 mins 14 The bit about the suicide thought is at the start of part 2. Love, Corkwing
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Post by twoplustwo on Apr 18, 2015 16:12:37 GMT
Oh so difficult. I struggled and battled on for two years to parent Min but in the end had to disrupt. Luckily we hadn't got the adoption order so in practical terms it was easy. The emotional cost was immense though and, almost 3 years on, I'm still struggling to come to terms with the whole experience. I still feel gulity that I put Min through another rejection but he was so damaged and the support wasn't forthcoming (too expensive for SS) our lives had turned into one long exhausting battle and, despite my rational self knowing it wasn't Min's fault, I did start to resent him. and his inability to function 'normally'. Horrible situation you are in. Call an emergency meeting with the social worker, lay your cards on the table, see if there is anything they can come up with to help. Whatever you decid be prepared to get support for yourself. If you carry on you'll need all the help you can get. If you disrput you'll also need bucketloads of support, once the initial relief wears off they'll be guilt to contend with.
So sorry you are in this situation. Feel free to pm me if you want to 'talk' it through with someone who has lived through the 'terrible mistake' scenario.
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Post by kizim on Apr 18, 2015 18:05:50 GMT
Massive hugs to you Ruby....keeping on or throwing in the towel - both life changing decisions. You know yourselves and your situation the best ...but İ would encourage you to think through how you will cope emotionally either way and make some plans to help you through. İ ould also echo corkwing's suggestion not to make a major decsion based on stress/depression/grief. Canyou take time out separately or together to help give you some perspective on what you thought life was going to be versus the reality? İs it really so different from what you expected ? or are you feeling unprepared ? or is it something else?
Take care xxxx
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Post by chotimonkey on Apr 18, 2015 18:39:20 GMT
hi ruby it sounds so hard for you at the moment, i can feel the agony in your post. i can't tell you what to decide, but some of the things that may help you get to the right decision are
meetings with your sw to see how they can support you in coming to the right decision for everyone to see if you and dh could have counselling both separately and together to really decide things what is pushing you to this point. is it realising that your old life is the one you truly want is it that you don't want to parent is it that you feel you can't parent these children (this may change with support and time) is it that yiu feel scared about the future
and really work out exactly what you ae feeling before making a decision that you can't reverse.
i think that the beginning bit having more than one child is extra-ordinarily hard because you don't know how either child well enough to know what is for the best, could a helpful measure be considering things like respite with one child while you intensively get to know the other, so you get to work with one child at a time and just break yourselves into parenthood more easily.
i know that when dd1 came home she was v rejecting of dh and he was devastated, it also played on all his previous insecurities about not being able to parent and this being all wrong. he felt v unsure about what we were doing in the early stages and whether this was right. although it felt like a very long time at the time, with hindsight this stage passed reasonably quickly and they have a v strong relationship now. i think what helped is that we didn't both feel like we were drowning, so i could support him. it sounds like because you both really need support, its v hard to support each other
could we help that, im happy to be a buddy to one of you if you want to pm me and im sure someone else would be happy to talk to the other. sometimes it helps to emotionally step outside the situation which can feel like a v claustrophobic pressure cooker at first. im so sorry yuo are finding this so hardxxx
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ruby7
Bronze Member

Approved prospective adopter
Posts: 96
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Post by ruby7 on Apr 18, 2015 18:59:55 GMT
Thanks everyone, the reality is exactly what we expected. We have had time alone with each other and seperatly. We wanted to parent hurt children and give them a good life. We have not had a long journey with IVF or anything like that. Mabye we feel we don't want to parent and we feel scared about the future and I feel I have lost my identity and our identity as a couple. I have text our SW to conatc us ASAP. We know whatever we choose it will be hard, but at this stage the reality of dealing with the aftermath of handing them back seems more bearable. We belive we have everything it takes to parent these children but just not sure that we want to. I'm more torn that DH he is very clear. After having the big talk last night I have been so cold with them today and that's just not fair, but I don't want to be all cuddles but can't carry on being like I was today it's agony zig is clearly sensing something is wrong. We have some theraply on its way which is part of the support package, we are getting Theraplay, our social worker knows us and gets us.....do we drag on and hope things get better only to disrupt in the future anyway and cause more hurt or end it early and hope that we can all move on in one way shape or form...
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Post by leo on Apr 18, 2015 19:01:38 GMT
Everyone has already made such good suggestions so I'm just going to add to Choti's offer of personal support and chatting on the phone. Whatever decision you make, you will need to reach out for support (as I think you are already doing with this post) and then embrace it with both arms.
Will be thinking of you and hoping you are able to be kind to yourselves.
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Post by esty on Apr 18, 2015 20:13:03 GMT
When you say 'hope things get better' what would make things better? That is possibly be where the answer is. Many of us didn't 'like' our children straight away. They are strangers. If you moved in with your husband the day you met him you may have wanted to give him back. From your last post I just think if you give these children back from a position of having wanted to parent damaged children you are going to a place of no children would be right for your life. I'm really not judging just don't want you to decide something now which could truly damage you at a later date. I, personally, have had a long hard journey with both of mine separately and together but am now out the other end for now at least. That's not to say there aren't problems, there are, but I signed up for it and believe that I am the best parent for my kids. This year I've come very close to burning out, not because of the kids so much but because of the services attached to them. However what kept me going was that it had got better before and I knew it would get better again. I verbalized to myself this life is carp. I felt carp but have now just come back from a good holiday celebrating our three years as a family with the youngest one. Many times I thought how easier my life would be if I still had just the one. Now three years later I wouldn't be without them both. But it's taken three years to truthfully say that. Many times on these boards has been the saying 'fake it until you make it' and that is so true. Wishing you a path through to the right decision for you all
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Post by damson on Apr 18, 2015 21:08:25 GMT
Ruby You're in my prayers tonight, whichever way this goes.
I remember the sheer exhaustion of a 5 and 6 year old coming to us. I lived one day at a time, or more accurately half an hour at a time. It was alien, difficult and mostly straight unrewarding. They were strangers and affection was missing while dependence was all too plain. Everything had to be so carefully managed, and it felt like there was no spontaneity. Left to play together, they would get nastier and nastier. What gave me hope was that the children were so much nicer apart.
Now, 10 years on, with one child at home and one in foster care, we've lived through cycles of wanting to throw the towel in. Sometimes it was one child, sometimes both. But by the time I had the courage to admit what you are admitting, my children were woven into the fabric of my life.
xxx Damson
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Post by chotimonkey on Apr 18, 2015 21:24:19 GMT
hi ruby, really thinking about you and just had one other though connected to your comment about losing your identity, again with dh, part of his struggle at the beginning was the lack of the outside world, work, his sense of worth and contacct with people wh didn'ttalk about children all the time and normality. when everyone is all on adoption leave and your are funnelling it seems as though there is no outside world, but thats not the reality of family life, once things start to normalise, dh back at work, one at school, one at nursery, the intensity does lesson a little and there is some room for you as an individual and as a couple again.
im not trying to convince you to keep parenting the children if it isn't right for you, i just wanted to give you our experience and see if it helps at all.., again, so sorry its so hard, hope sw comes soon and is helpful
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Post by lankelly on Apr 18, 2015 21:30:54 GMT
Sorry this is looking and feeling so bleak Ruby. Fwiw; . I asked for a place to play with Moptop our first from when he Was quite young and early on in placement too. I really wanted a neutral place away from home with someone else to witness us together and affirm our relationship,bond, difficulties etc. I'm not sure Theraplay would have done that exactly but I wish we'd had it then not six yrs down the line. It would have made a massive difference I think to things now. I say this as it seems you may have some 'growth room'yet.
I wonder if you can just get together as a family away from it all perhaps with a playtherapist or music/art therapist ? It maybe a private payment but I know from my previous professional experience it can really help families 'feel' one another.perhaps it's this intimacy you and dh are missing or mistakenly thinking it to be something else. Our children do express stuff in wildly different ways that are hard to read at first, especially as yours are 6 and 3. There's that huge imprint on them before you two came along. But it does weather and your own begins to leave a fresh mark on them bit by bit until they feel like yours.
Even now I feel a distance from mine at times and I think that's because I can't erase their hurt. Lastly look at some good news stories. Even your own positive points across these boards? It's easy to get entrenched in negative doldrums especially if you feed off another's even the children's own insecurities . It's even possible you both have post adoption depression.? If you really don't want children do give them a second chance elsewhere, God knows enough people are waiting for a match.But let them go with a positive ending not your own needs as paramount in their minds. I find your posts honest,brave but panicked and torn, probably like the children feel right now settling in. It's hard this family life if you're both not sure it can rip you apart and could do even in the aftermath of the childrens' return to care If you don't get the right decision for you both equally.
With best wishes and prayers for you all.Lankelly.
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Post by kstar on Apr 18, 2015 21:39:56 GMT
Oh my goodness I feel so much for you, it's heartbreaking to read and your stress/ depression/ anxiety is coming through so strongly in your posts.
I agree with others, there are so many feelings jumbled up here that it's hard to know which one is predominant - not wanting to be parents at all, not feeling able to parent traumatised children or not feeling right for these specific children. The courses of action for each would be so different.
Get some support first and foremost for you as a person, a human being with feelings who deserves to be listened to. Try your GP first and see if they can get a sense of whether your feelings are borne out of the initial terror we all feel, a potentially short term depression in you/ your DH that can be helped medically, or an irresolvable issue parenting these children which may mean a disruption is inevitable.
Please don't ever feel judged here - I bet there's not many of us who have never thought about throwing in the towel. I know I have many times, even though I was incredibly lucky to bond with Starlet very quickly and to feel that pull not everyone feels. She's a joy to care for and yet I still feel overwhelmed most days, and that's two years in. I would just say that the bad times are now less frequent and I am more able to pull myself through them because I can remember the good times.
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Post by mudlark on Apr 18, 2015 21:44:23 GMT
Hi Ruby.. take a minute... we will all support you in what ever you do. we all know how hard it is. don't feel alone. please give the same message to your husband..I know Mr M would be there to talk if it helped.
we are all feeling for you. xxxxx xxxx
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Post by mudlark on Apr 18, 2015 22:00:45 GMT
don't underestimate how hard this is for you and your husband. you are better parents than you think you are. grab a few minutes and remember what an great couple you are...
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Post by serrakunda on Apr 18, 2015 23:36:14 GMT
Just another plea not to make a decision in haste, panic and under stress. I think Choti posed some really great questions about getting to the bottom of what you are feeling. If you do decide not to carry on, your lives will still be changed for ever. But you probably realise that. Particularly if you are both not in total agreement about your feelings.
I can identify with a couple of things you say. The loss of identity, it's hard when you suddenly stop being you and become Xs mum. Several of my friends with birth children found this very difficult, and I gave struggled with if at times, still do now and again. It was over a year before I left Simba with a sitter and went out to a gig and had a bit if my old life. I gave up a job I loved to adopt, am pretty miserable in the curent job and it's hard sometimes not to resent him because if it wasn't for him I'd leave it. But we've just had a weeks holiday in Morroco, very like the holidays I used to have in the old days. in time a new identify emerges, parts of the old you, and some new elements.
Bring cold to them. I think this is one of my biggest character flaws, when I'm pushed to the limit I can become very cold towards people, simba often pushes me to that limit, and I have to wotk very hard not to let it go on, but somehow I push through it.
I think you probably know you could work through a lot if these things, but you have posed the key question yourself. Do you really want to?
Good luck with whatever you decide, no one here will judge you, we all know how adoption pushes you to your limits and beyond. Be gentle with yourselves and each other
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ruby7
Bronze Member

Approved prospective adopter
Posts: 96
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Post by ruby7 on Apr 19, 2015 7:17:59 GMT
We are in awe of the tremendous support from you all. We have used all your questions and realise we feel we love/ can love zag, but both of us are not drawn to zig. She is a lovely complex, clever little girl. But the connection is not there yet. I have gone from feeling so sure to end it to being on the fence. DH says we can only say no to all this if we are both in complete agreement which I don't think I am today. But surely the same is to be said for carrying on, we should both want it. We have attachment therapy for us as a couple coming up and then with the children paid for by the LA. Mabye we should wait for that first session and talk it through with them as well as our social worker. Spoke to my sis in law who is also a psychotherapist for Camhs and has a disabled child. She said that for her it was like being a slave to the children and this amazing bond your meant to feel,sometimes does not come and you drop in and out of it. We talked about the times early on in our marriage when me and DH wanted to end our relationship over stupid things but were serious at the time and what it took to make us decide to continue in our marriage. Through your advice we realised we are trying to make decisions in stress and quiet possible depression. We have decided to be more itactile with each other and notice each other and talk to each other. We realised we spent the whole week without a proper cuddle for each other. Although this was all mentioned in training and we intellectualised it we just did not do it due to the shock to the system. We will go through to the first stat review and see how things look then.
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Post by mudlark on Apr 19, 2015 7:50:03 GMT
'Lovely, complex , clever little girl', just about describes Lapwing who is also six, and I also recognise that feeling of not being 'drawn' to her. Why am I not drawn to her? It is because she is the more traumatised of the two( her brother is 4)and she is spikey, difficult, oppositional, and lots of the time doesn't want a 'mummy', its hard to feel 'drawn' to someone that doesn't really want you. Even now 18 months in there can be days where I still do not feel drawn to her.
However in the last 6 months there have been huge flashes of real maternal love from me to her, sometimes that love stays for days some times it is only minutes. But I know it's there, I also know that although she doesn't 'want me' she does 'need me' , without me she would be lost.
I also recognise your struggles to maintain a good relationship with your husband, we also felt like we had sacrificed our relationship for the children. In the end my husband agreed to take a morning every fortnight off work so we could just be together without the children. It has been hugely helpful.
Thoughts are with you. x
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Post by pluto on Apr 19, 2015 8:09:30 GMT
The older child, you do not feel drawn to her, well that you have to work on. The behaviours of the children is totally normal for children who are looked after and early into placement. The process you are in now need you to change in the first place, need you to work as a team, need huge amounts of commitment for many years to come. Often adopters want changes quickly, it is not going to happen. It is a long process and you will be tested and so your relationship in a huge way. But remember you make a difference in those children's lives, and was that not the goal when you started this journey? It sounds like that the la is supporting you, give it time. Do activities with the oldest alone, take her swimming this afternoon, just the 2 of you, you need to build attachments, they don't just appear, you need to actively work on them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2015 8:29:01 GMT
Fantastic advice already given so I can't add much to it but i hope you are already sharing some of your concerns/worries with your SW and are not keeping them all to yourselves. SW are trained in placing children, they do this all the time, and they are used to situations like yours particularily where couples are struggling with feelings towards one child. You need to be honest with them about how you and DH are feeling right now. They can help and can advise you and hopefully allay some of your worries.
I have one question to ask you though. If SW said "we're taking them away today" how would you feel? Relieved or devastated?
Ask yourselves that question, both you and DH, and think about your answer.
These children are not just for Christmas, they are for life.
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Post by damson on Apr 19, 2015 8:40:06 GMT
Time for a nice little new ritual for you and DH when the small ones are in bed. I still go to roost with my DH on the sofa when I have finished my evening chores. You're right, it's the physical contact that really matters. That and the company of adults, particularly cooperative ones 
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Post by shadow on Apr 19, 2015 8:53:32 GMT
6 is a difficult age - mine was 6 when she moved in - I found her so rejecting (wiped her toys or skin of I touched them) and controlling - she was terrified and terribly traumatised - SS wanted to disrupt as they said she was unadoptable and that they would place another child with me without hesitation - I had no choice in the matter really - despite feeling I didn't really like her when they said that I cried and cried as the thought of the real little girl underneath all the "stuff" having her belongings packed and feeling she was right, she was unlovable and unwanted , was just unbearable. To cut a long story short - she stayed - we have had very very rocky times - but she is now 17 - needs huge amounts of support and hopefully will be in supported living soon with her equally vulnerable boyfriend - actually fiancé!!!!!! We have a strong bond and she is as loving as she is able to be towards me.
Recently a Barnardos therapist - specialist in adopted and fostered children said there could have been 6 of me, she could have had therapy every day and still she would have many issues mentally as the damage was done in her first 5 years and while there is always potential for change some damage cannot be completely undone
If there is therapy on the horizon that might help you all find a way of living together - how about therapy for you? It could help you sort out your real feelings - our children project their feelings onto us - so it could help you both if it was someone who really knows about all this
How would you feel if you fostered instead of adopted them? I was offered that and took 2 1/2 years before I applied to adopt - it might take some of the pressure off you - get the feeling of being trapped lifted
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Post by shadow on Apr 19, 2015 9:06:52 GMT
especially in the first couple of years I had times I longed for someone just to come and take her away - but I knew if they really did I would be devastated! When you get to see the real child underneath all the chaos, control and rejection you can really start to bond and feel protective - and it takes time for them to let the barriers down to let you see them
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Post by flutterby on Apr 19, 2015 10:06:52 GMT
Ruby, I'm going to add my bit here and from a different angle. I don't often just say it like it feels, but try and give a balanced view. However, I can't help but get the impression that you (personally) are struggling with the enormity of the task. That you feel you are not good enough for this. You say there is no connection with your little girl, yet you describe her as a lovely, clever complex little girl. This sounds rather affectionate to me and yet you'd rather send her back, because you say you do not want to damage her more. That is very protective in my view, even though ill thought through because for the mental shock you are in. You are a good enough parent, have been assessed as one and what you need to work on is being kind to yourself and hubby and recognising what a brilliant couple you are for doing this. I cannot speak for his feelings of cour we, but please do not do anything hasty.
You probably cannot feel a connection with your little girl because she won't let you at this stage. She is scared beyond belief and does not trust you. This will take ages to build, I'm not going to gloss over this. But your post also shows that you are already making a connection with your son. How brilliant is that after such a short time.
I know disruption may still be on the cards and there are a lot of unknowns to all of us on the forum. Just believe me when I say that with the right support you can pull through and not only make it work, but also enjoy it one day. Life is never going to be the same again. But it would!d not have been with birth children either and I have both. It took me 2 years on each occasion to really get to know them, to understand what makes them click, so please stop expecting too much of your self.
Please feel free to pm. Massive hugs and hope whatever decision you come to will be the right one for you. Xxxx
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Post by milly on Apr 19, 2015 10:46:52 GMT
The way I see it there are two main things going on here - the feelings you have about the loss of your old way of life and relationship with your partne, and your feelings about the children, complicated by the fact that not only are there two of them, but they also have a relationship with each other that may not be harmonious, I guess.
I was lucky that with my first I felt all the loss and grief around my old life but fell easily for my child. She was a baby which made her very dependent upon me and even better, her survival strategy was to exert considerable (but superficial, of course) charm towards any new carer. But it suckered me in and softened the blow of the life change.
The second time quite a few years later, it was the other way round. My life as a parent was well established and it wasn't too hard to slot Dd2 in - though harder than I expected, I'd say it took two years before it felt right - but I didn't like her much nor did I feel much sympathy for her at times. I did think I might never love her but it grew on me gradually.
You have got masses going on all at the same time with two older children which to my mind is way harder than adopting one single baby or toddler - Dd2 was just two but that felt very different from having a baby even so.
It is doable but only you can know if it is doable for you. It is very hard not to feel for a child - to me working out a new routine for oneself comes easier - but you are putting far too much pressure on yourself to be feeling anything at this stage. Maybe some help to separate out all these strands plus some practical decisions about how to get through the next few weeks is what you need now - from sw? - rather than trying to look into the future?
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Post by imp on Apr 19, 2015 13:57:54 GMT
You have been given some really good advice, and as a FC I have no direct experience. However, as I was out pounding the prom this lunchtime, I was pondering.
Please ignore this analogy if you wish, but the journey to adopt and early days in placement seem to be a bit like my London marathon experience.
I decided I was going to take part, and I started to prepare.
At first it was doable, within my comfort zone and not too intrusive,
I knew it was going to be more difficult, everyone said so, and were full of what it would do to my body!!!
I carried on, and yes, it did get harder, mentally, physically and financially----weekly visits to the osteopath don't come cheaply, to say nothing of the special equipment I need,
Mentally I have been challenged, so often I have wanted to cut short my training session, of even not go out at all
Physically I hurt
Socially----oh, how I have missed my comfortable Sunday afternoon sessions with friends and family ---instead I have been trudging along on my longest training sessions.
Now I'm nearly there, but nowhere near.
I will be at the startline next Sunday, full of excitement and sheer dread.
My mind will play tricks and tell me to stop, but I am determined not only to start, but to finish.
It will be the hardest thing I have ever done (older and heavier than the only other time I have entered)and my body will suffer greatly, But I will complete as I committed myself to doing so, not just to achieve something for myself, but to raise money for the Children's charity that I am supporting.
I can't let them down xx
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