Intro's Diary - Ruby7's

to you these are 'your' children. to the children you are a stranger who is being nice to them and who they have been told will be looking after them forever (a concept that small children simply don't understand). so my guess is they are seeking reassurance from their foster carer that you are safe, that its ok to be nice to you, that they still love the foster carer and that the foster carer still loves them. its a scary scary place these little people are in even if they are appearing relaxed and happy in your company. from a survival point of view they will be hedging their bets and playing their best behaviour that will get you on side. sounds cynical and dont mean to burst any bubbles, but at this point in time the loyalty to the foster care will still be huge, and rightly so, and any perceived loyalty, affection etc for you is probably the children trying to keep themselves safe. children are very vulnerable and know they need to be kept safe, but when their world is crashing down around them they often use behaviour to make themselves feel safer and to ensure that the adults around them keep them safe too. I can still remember the terror of moving as a child, I did it on average every 2 years, and I did it with my parents each time, but I was still terrified. these little people are moving away from everything and everyone they know and love, so you can multiply that terror many times over. 

Sounds like a great start Ruby and how fab that Zig introduced you as her new mum and dad, that must have been great to hear.

I agree with the others it's great that they are still looking to the FC for reassurance, shows they are loved and secure with her.

I can't top LOB's advice, spot on as usual and spoken from years of experience of moving children on. Take heed as she knows what she is talking about.

Looking forward to hearing more about your LO's.

Sounds like things are going really well, a very good start indeed; lovely to read. Enjoy the next few days as things build up x

I'd say the type of things you've said here; that you can see they are confused and trying to please at the moment, how you will let them take their time to establish some trust in you rather than push them, how you will help them to grieve for FC (and maybe talk about plans for contact in the first few weeks - phone calls or Skype maybe at first), how you will continue to be steady and reliable and consistent so they can feel as safe as possible during this very traumatic time.

I'd also maybe talk about how you can see they need time at home with you rather than being rushed back into school and nursery; this can be a contentious point even among adopters. I know some say they need stimulation and some 'normality' but personally I go with the argument that they need very little stimulation for quite a while so their bodies can learn to be calm and regulated when with you and also so they begin to learn you are the important person in their lives now (hard though that is for them, I do think it is important).

I'm really surprised they have still been at school/nursery - but maybe this has changed in the time since I adopted my two.

The 'being moany' with FC is probably him showing how distressed he is - to the only person he feels comfortable enough to do this with at the moment. The laughter is, as you say, probably an attempt to 'keep you on side' while he's still very unsure and confused about you and who/what you are.

When I read your first post about Zig being able to engage with you in an expression of our/her feelings I was really happy for you - that's such a positive sign not only for your relationship with her but also her ability to understand and express her own emotions. Early days I know, but my two certainly wouldn't have been able to engage in even a simple conversation such as that at a similar age.

I certainly came home from each day of intros confused and disorientated and I think you are right, you are probably picking this up from the children. Zig sounds as if she is perhaps trying to make a bridge between you and the Foster Carer (which I think is positive again as she is not abandoning the FC entirely and maybe has some awareness of the huge changes happening). Have you a photo of her with the FC that you can put into her new bedroom or keep displayed somewhere?

It's so very hard to manage all the feelings flying around - the children's, yours, the FCs, even the SW's sometimes I think! That intensity of feelings will pass but it could take a while and it is draining to maintain the outwardly calm and coping image when you may also be in turmoil. Make sure you get enough rest, have some time to talk to friends or family but also time to just switch off and let your own body recover from the stress of each day so you have enough energy to see you through the coming weeks and months.

I'm really pleased it's going well for you.

I'd keep it very short. Have all stuff (except one last bag with teddy and pyjamas in) taken away on previous days so there is no packing/standing around. Agree beforehand whether FC will say goodbye in the house then stay in there or whether they will come out to the driveway and wave. Whichever it is, make it short, give them a hug yourself if they'll let you then get them in their car seats and drive off.

Were you able to agree a plan for meeting/contacting FC over the next few weeks? If so, then as you drive away I'd be saying, 'I understand that this is really hard, we will be seeing them again/Skyping them on ...'

I think once you leave, keep the day very calm (hopefully it's not too long a journey to be able to go straight home) and then very structured/close once home. By mid afternoon maybe all on the sofa with a DVD, easy finger food type stuff for tea (go for real comfort food). Be prepared for the emotional stress to either make their behaviour wired and manic or be the other extreme and physically tired or withdrawn.

It's so hard to see them distressed and it can be a very difficult day as part of you is on Cloud 9 that you finally have your family and are starting the rest of your life, while you know and feel the pain of your children who are ending their lives as they know it.

Will the FC have their Social Worker in the background to support them after the children leave? It sounds really harsh but you have to almost blank out the pain of the FC (other than storing away the knowledge that they obviously really cared for your children) and remember that they are adults who can find their own ways to deal with the pain. Your job is to be there 100% for your children on that day - and if that means stopping for a hug and a cry with them two miles down the road then do it.

It is distressing for all and I don't think there is a 'good' way to do it. I hope it goes the best it can and that your first few days and weeks at home together give you glimpses of your future happy times together as a family.

Agree with Leo and jmk... Talk to FC before, agree to make it super quick, also agree with FC when you will call/ text that eve. Eg we texted when we were home, phoned in the eve to let them know how lo had been, what they'd eaten, how they'd settled at night etc, and agreed to a fairly quick next contact visit.

Also when home keep it really low key, involve them in unpacking a few key items and choosing where they want their things. Another adopter I know who had a three. Year old spent the afternoon playing hide and seek with a favourite toy around the house which worked nicely for a gentle way of introducing them to house, mingling old and new and openong up a conversation (through the soft toy) about which bits of the house lo liked best.

V exciting and emotional times. hooe it goes ok xx

We had no SW's there for our handover LOB's although it all went smoothly as FC was very experienced and we did it quickly and smoothly with minimum fuss.

A very strange sensation of happiness and sadness at the same time.

As the move in date draws nearer zig is displaying confused behaviour, and is struggling to know which emotions to express, she made a day trip to visit new school and home. She was 'climbing the walls' today when we loaded her stuff in the car. I just sat with her and kept asking if she wanted me to leave which she did not. Hubby says what if on the last day she cries and says she really does not want to go....had a long long chat with him.....we realise we have been sucked into the sadness vortex of the fc and the chaos of the children. When we hug her we are radiating her confusion and sadness back out at her. They don't need that they needs our happy warm love vibes, not our poor you vibes....off home this weekend, move in date next week.
Any further words of encouragement, advice, reassurance?

At 6 Zig has some awareness of what is about to happen and is probably terrified. It is nothing personal about you and or DH, but she is about to be taken from her home, from her FC, who she feels safe and secure with and that is terrifying for anyone let alone a 6 year old.

You adults need to try and keep your own anxieties hidden because she will pick up on these and she will not feel safe. She needs to see you as calm and in control as possible, even if inside you are shaking. It is a big deal for all of you, but she is a child and needs to know that her new parents are in control and that they are going to look after her and keep her safe forever.

As Moo says, thinking out loud is useful, saying things like "I know this is hard for you" etc or "I wonder if you are feeling a bit scared" etc, will give a voice to how she is feeling and will give her permission to talk about her feelings and maybe she will share them with you.

Zag will be feeling similar, but at his age, he will not be able to voice his concerns but will be picking up on Zig's anxieties.

If you haven't done so already, it might be a good idea to have a read of the pinned threads at the top of the approved adopters boards about intro's and beyond. There is a lot of good advice in there about how to handle the transition and early days after LO's come home.

Oh ruby, Simba does this to me all the time, even now, usually in the most inappropriate place, preferably when we have an audience. He tells me mostly feelings as he seems to have few, if any, real memories.

It's terribly hard to hear, and to be honest of all the things that simba does, it's what I find the hardest to deal with. but good that she is able to talk to you, it's the start of trust between you.

ooh yes - agree with Starlet, although Zippy had 5 weeks off school (over Xmas holidays too), we did as much as we could to be around other children and invited friends with kids over to play within 10 days... otherwise it can feel like the new life is void of new friends.

We did half days too for 3 weeks at the start of term - mornings only, phasing up to mornings plus lunch and then full days at the end of the last week. Axx